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/
I want to cry. I don't do it, but damn I almost can't help myself. I guess I shouldn't be so negative. I'm doing a lot better than they are right now.
The flask in my hand starts to feel heavy. I am doing better than them. I am better than them! What's more, I'm at least honest about my feelings. I'm not letting myself be defined by my family's expectations or what that bitch Anglia Li wants me to be for the reputation of that damned school.
For the first time in days I smile. I'm free. Alone… but free…
I know the flask was half empty when I got on the train. Why does it feel full?
I lean back in my seat and let the hammering of the train flood into my head. I try to relax and look forward but I can't get any of their bull**** out of my head. Times like this are what makes kids like me bring a gun to school. I find myself beginning to work the top of my flask, the only stable thing I have in my life anymore. I can't afford to think that way right now. I wander in my thoughts looking for some happy memories but all I get is more heartbreak.
I loved him. I really loved him. He is a wonderful man underneath the mask he wears for everyone. There is more to him than 'Mack the Jock', or 'Mack the Black Kid'. To me he was Michael. I saw a real human being under that grotesque rusting mask he hid behind, which says a lot since I see everyone there as a sack of shallow rotting flesh. He was different. He even saw past my exterior…no one there even gave a second glace to my top layer.
The flask is open now. I'm holding it intently in my hands, just staring at it. I can't help myself anymore. I can't help but cry now.
He saw past my unapproachable exterior, he looked beyond my less than feminine figure, and I let him get past my barrier that kept everyone else away. I let him inside in more ways than one. We comforted each other, we shared our fears, and we shared our bodies. I gave him everything. What does he give me? A ****ing excuse is what I get in the end. Fine. To hell with him and the rest of those ants. He tells me that he wants us to be close but he always goes back to that bitch Jodie.
Jodie. That self righteous hypocritical twig. I could break her over my knee or expose her for the coward that she really is but it won't change a damn thing. Sure she bitches about her race being the first thing people look at or her parent's ridiculous expectations of her, but it sure as hell doesn't slow her down. She says that she wants to be a normal teenager but keeps herself as diligently occupied as a crack addict looking for the next fix. She complains about her race being an issue but does she ever give any of the white guys the time of day? No. She cries to Michael about her family but she's just like her mother.
Michael…damn you…Your better than that. What can't you see that? She doesn't have time for you, but you let her cling to you anyway. The only time you get to spend with her is at school, and even then her mind is in twenty different places. She doesn't love you. She doesn't even want you. She just thinks that she needs you.
I'm about to drink again. Damn it all to hell… I'm supposed to be better than them. On the other hand, I'm at least honest.
I close the flask. I'm honest but I'm also a month late. I take back the thought of being alone…
/
I'm in a lot of pain right now, and that is an understatement. It's been three months since I had a drink, and to be honest I'm sure as hell thinking about having one. I scream at no one in particular, the person I want to be yelling at isn't here. To my credit, I'm not crying. Not this time.
It feels like someone is just hammering on my midsection with a truck. Occasionally the aim is off and it hits me in a more personal area. I'm powerless…I feel as weak as I did back on the train as I stared at my flask.
I try to pull myself together, anything to take my mind of the pain. I'm not weak. Aside from that one moment of weakness three months ago, I've been completely sober. I'm not sure if I can forgive myself for that. It wasn't going back to the booze that I hate myself for, it was the why. I saw a face that I haven't seen since I left Lawndale. I saw the physical vessel that every two faced coward emulates. I saw Jodie.
She didn't recognize me. I guess I can understand that. No one except Michael really noticed me, and being six months pregnant definitely clashed against the Andrea she would have remembered. She was with some handsome red haired man going door to door in my apartment building campaigning on behalf of some faceless career politician. She was the same. Marching along to a set of standards too high to live up to, and at the end of the trip she will most likely try to win as much pity as she can. I wondered who the guy holding her hand was. I wondered if she was still using Michael. She mentioned that her candidate stood firm against abortion, and had the nerve to look at me like we had made a good connection. I told her that I support the right to choose, and I dreamed of a world where every child born would be a wanted child, just like mine. I told her that men in their forties had no right making that choice for me or anyone else. I like to think that my door hit the bridge of her nose as I slammed it shut. She thinks she can be proud for doing this because her parents hooked her up with some volunteer work for some slime ball. I have my own place and a job, and on top of that I'm still taking classes. That's a plausible source of pride.
I smile for the first time all day. Even through the pain I can smile. My fake ID went from getting my alcohol to getting me a fresh start, with a considerable amount of help from a local battered women's shelter. Jodie will never have to fight to get anything. Her father's name is all the foot in the door she will ever have to use. Even if she has the best grades or reputation, it will never come down to any effort on her part. I'm laughing now. She may be the hardest worker I can think of, and she will never be able to walk into a room with that being the focus.
That damned truck hits me again and the smile is gone. I'm screaming again. I'm not sure how long I've been here anymore. Then again, I never put any effort into keeping track. I wasn't watching the past few months go by, why the hell would I count minutes of pure agony? The pain was probably feeling pain. The smile is back, I can still have dark thoughts that I could make poetry out of.
I think about Michael again, something I've done a lot of lately. I want to contact him, but at the same time I hate myself for thinking that way. He made his choice and I made mine. Nothing seems to have changed. Jodie is spending the summer on her feet and he's probably spending his on his knees begging for an ounce of her sweet time. Damn you Michael…why can't I get you out of my head? Damn it...
I'm not sure what's going on around me right now. It's like I've been in a zombie like state and I'm just coming out of it. I know that there are voices in the room, but I don't care. I know that I'm exhausted, but I don't care. I am extremely sore; can you see the pattern yet? The only thing from the world that has my attention is right in front of me.
She is going to need a name.
/
(Author's Note)
I would like to take the time to say this section is for a young woman who was too good for this world and a young man who carries her memory.
This one's for you Kevin and Brandy.
/
I didn't really think that I would be back here. Then again, there really wasn't a lot of thinking the first time around. I guess I was just angry at everything. I don't regret coming out here; it's just that I wish I had done it differently. I'm not sorry that I just left; I'm a better person for the experience. It's just that…I should have let Michael know. I'm smiling, wouldn't that have made Jodie's day interesting…your arm candy got the heavy Goth chick knocked up. I would laugh but it might wake up my partner in crime. She has quite the set of lungs for a six month old baby.
The noise of the train almost drowns out my thoughts. I really thought I had it all figured out back in Lawndale. Turns out, I didn't know a god damn thing. Running away from a stable family with a kid on the way wasn't exactly the best idea I ever had; but it was exactly what I needed. I met myself. Or rather I met who I wanted to be.
I figured that the fake ID would carry me a good distance. I'm not sure who the hell Tracey Crifo was, but that was who I was going to be. New town, fresh start, it was an opportunity to re-invent myself. Plus there was the deadline staring at me every step of the way. I had to have everything in order before the baby arrived. I sobered up with only one step backward, I got a job and even pushed forward with getting an education. I beat my diluted sense of pride and got the help I needed. I was about to change everything about me until I started to feel lonely. I didn't want to admit it, but I missed the finite doses of small talk I got from the teenagers I left behind. After I got the apartment and left the shelter I kept in touch with some of the volunteers there.
It's kind of funny how it worked out actually. Normally breaking someone's nose doesn't win you any friends.
I know that I heard his name, but I don't remember it. All I remember was that he had red hair and stood about six foot two. He also had an impressive scar on his right cheek. I only saw him once; I was just arriving at the shelter for the first time since getting the apartment he said the wrong thing. To be honest I don't remember the exact words used. The message was clear though. There was something wrong with having a full body. I'm sure there was a lot said before I was in range, but I didn't really care. Without an introduction I took matters into my own hands. I went to thank the staff for all their help and instead I assaulted a man.
I heard later that he was harassing his ex again.
About a week later a woman came to my door. She wasn't much older than me, had a fair collection of facial piercings and shoulder length black hair. I didn't take note of the clothes. The only thing I was focused on was the brief discussion. She thanked me for sticking up for her. She said that the guy gave her a lot of trouble about her wardrobe and weight. I said there wasn't a damn thing wrong with what she looked like. The person inside was all that mattered. She thanked me again and walked away. I stared forward and what I said echoed in the back of my head. Shortly after arriving in the new town I dropped the Goth look. I decided to turn into someone else. In the brief aftermath of being her hero, she became mine. I went back to being Andrea and thanked her the next day. She wasn't that different from me. She was a bit heavy, she preferred to keep to herself, and also like me she had bad luck with relationships. She liked what I did for her, and I liked her for what she did for herself. There were only two real differences. I was pregnant, and she never tried to change herself.
It goes without saying that we became fast friends.
At least until my fierce example led to her deciding to go back home. She said something about it not being her choice to leave in the first place, that the decision was made for her. She was going to go back and take charge. I admit that I miss Brandy, but I am happy for her. If I don't see her again I at least have a brief memory of a wonderful person. This was actually what went through my head once I came to my senses after delivering. I gave my baby her name. It just felt like the thing to do. If Brandy grows up to be half as strong as my friend is, then she grows up stronger than me.
Turns out the feeling was contagious. I'm going back to Lawndale. I'm going to introduce Michael to our daughter; and whatever happens…well happens.
/
It's hard to look back at it all now. The day I left, the things I've seen, none of it prepared me for what I would find when I came back. I really thought I was ready to take it all back. I was stronger and more confident, I had everything in line, and I had someone other than myself to fight for. Brandy made me stronger. There wasn't a god damn thing I couldn't do. Well…except for predict this anyway. I look down at the baby in my arms.
Seriously…what the hell…
The first thing I did was stop in to see my parents. I wasn't expecting a warm reception. I ran away without so much as a note, and then out of the blue I show up with a child. They were scared as hell at first, and I don't blame them. If not for Brandy, I would not have survived the hugging that ensued. They figured that I had ran off and hit rock bottom. They didn't want to say it out loud, but I could tell that this looked like be crawling back like a wounded animal. Between my how calm I was and how insistent I was about how I had been doing; it still took a few hours for them to accept that I was a lot stronger than they gave me credit for. Of course once it became clear that I wasn't broken, dad decided that it was OK to be angry with me. I don't blame him. How many parents are thrilled about their teenage runaway showing up after a year with a newborn? My folks were not on the list. I was their best kept secret for a few days; days I spent smoothing things over with them whenever I could. I didn't beg them to accept me, but I think they knew how badly I wanted to be their little girl again. At least just for one last moment. They came around eventually. Mom's not too thrilled about being a grandmother this soon, but we're a family again at least.
Going back to the high school was harder than I assumed it would be. Mom insisted that I get re-enrolled. That wasn't a problem for me actually. I could continue to pursue an education and have peace of mind about where Brandy was. There was apparently a lot of talk about what happened to me, and this wasn't an issue either. The only unwanted expedition into where I was came from Mr. O'Neil, who was afraid that the sensitive nature of his lesson plan made me crack. I wanted to tell him that his class tended to be nap time, but I assumed that he got enough of that from Daria and Jane. Plus I was going to take Lawndale High a bit more seriously. That wouldn't have been good start.
The hard part was getting around to the big reason on why I came back in the first place.
Michael was still the same. He was still on the football team. He still was Kevin's friend more or less. He was also still Jodie's accessory. He was glad to see me back in town, and Jodie put on a straight face and expressed the same sentiment. I guess she knew about us. There was a lot I wanted to tell him right then and there, but the hallway wasn't a good place for something that personal. Plus I wasn't too confident about Michael at the time. With Jodie on his right arm, I figured that his reaction to what I had to say would be less than favorable. I bit my tongue and waited. I instead focused on how I could still break her in half over my knee if I had too.
Getting time to see Michael was easy. With Jodie's schedule, the only obstacle was football practice. He agreed to meet after school and catch up with very little prodding. He had no idea what was waiting for him when he arrived. He showed up on time and said that he was glad to see that I was OK. He told me that he was worried about me and asked if it was something that he did. That probably wasn't the best time to introduce him to Brandy, but then again there really wasn't a good time for that kind of thing. I thought my parents were scared as hell; Michael had seemed to invent a new level of fear. There was a very awkward silence that went for a few hours. This isn't an exaggeration. By the time anything else was said the sun was going down, and the first person to speak was our daughter trying to tell us that she was hungry. Looking back, I'm glad as hell that she spoke up. It had gotten late without us realizing it and he needed to get back home. I didn't stop him; I would have wanted time to think if I was in his shoes. Hell, I plenty of time to get used to the idea, he only had a few hours.
Nothing prepared me for the next day. Jodie left school somewhere in the middle of the day, and the whole school knew about Brandy and how Michael came into the picture. The Fashion Fiends were very good at circulating news considering their very narrow social circle. I'm not sure what went down that morning, but I know how it ended.
Michael…well…I guess you could say he grew up. He broke it off with Jodie. Rumor is that he wanted to for a long time; that he hoped that she would find out about us and break up with him herself. Considering the Michael I left back then, I believe it. I'm not thinking about who he was though, I'm more focused on who he is now. He's coming over after practice.
/
It's ninety eight degrees out here, I've been standing here for what feels like hours, and I think there's a hornet that's taking a liking to me.
This still the happiest day of my life. Tears of joy dry on my face.
I'll be honest, what he is wearing… it doesn't really suit him. His tux matches him as well as the wedding dress goes with me. The only reason were doing this is because my mother has been fantasizing about this day since I was born. His family…well they could have gone either way, which still surprises me. His relationship with them has always been a very private field, and I'm guessing that he wasn't exactly what you might call a sheltered child. I suppose I should have seen it coming, it actually explains a lot about our history.
That's not really fair. Life at home and at Lawndale High may have been a bad joke with a racist punch line that went out of date before our birth certificates were printed, but it did make him who he is today. I'd say that the fact that I'm standing here in a wedding dress testifies to that.
The damn hornet doesn't seem to be able to take the hint. At least it's taking my mind off the heat. And taking my mind off how much I just want the day over. Say what you will about weddings. The reality of it all is that it's a lot of work. Even more so if you have to juggle a two year old. I can't thank my soon to be husband enough for all the support, patience and foot rubs.
Especially the foot rubs.
I'm still amazed by his domestic side. Sure I got to know him in a way that no one else did, but how quickly he adjusted to being with someone like me who chose to keep a baby was a welcome shock. Granted there were a lot of immature episodes in our history, but standing here today obligates me to forgive them. I guess it's not that hard to look past the bumps, he makes me happy. He listens, he's sweet, and he's very good with his hands. Plus there is his ambitious side. He's more than capable of taking care of us. I didn't let that detail turn me into a stay at home mom, actually he's the one who gets to work from home. I'll admit it, I didn't expect it to get anywhere, but he made it work. Plus is got my dad to back the hell off about me seeing him.
Speaking of which, I should probably apologize the next chance I get. He had a few unflattering words when I announced the engagement, and then he became the second person to see how effective my left hook is. He never was a fan of the choices I made, but he came today.
I must have been on auto pilot longer than I realized. Either that or we skipped the 'I do' parts. His kiss breaks my focus, he tends to do that. I take the time to look at Michael. There is some degree of sadness in his eyes. He hides it well, but part of him would rather be in a different spot right now. I like him just where he is.
"Michael…we both know that you're not ready for this. I know that you're not going to be able to handle the thought of us and Brandy. I know that the idea of being a father scares the hell out of you. You were trapped with Jodie, and I don't want you to feel trapped with me. I love you Michael, and that's why I'm letting you go."
My own words echo in the back of my head on rare occasion. It tends to follow the mental image of Jodie staring daggers at me. It's funny, the only times she lets it show that she's upset are the times where she's already lost. Maybe if she was more assertive with her life she might have had a happier high school experience. I'll give her this; she put on a good show with the graduation speech.
I'm sorry, I should probably explain about Michael. Michael is here at the wedding and we're civil. He does have the right to see Brandy after all. He is not the man in front of me though. After I re-settled into Lawndale and turned Michael away I went back to keeping a low profile. I didn't resurface until Jodie's party. It must have burned her, having me there. She didn't get any of my attention. Not a lot of people did that night. Well…Charles did.
I only showed up to spite Jodie; it would be the last chance I would get before she left for college. Yes I know it was a surprisingly immature thing of me to do, but I'm happy with the results. He tried the first line he could sum up knowing damn well about the baggage, so I gave him more than two minutes. I expected him to try something, and he surprised me for the second time that night. We left the party, found a store, scored some ice cream and talked. A lot. By the time I knew it, there were some sparks. We got on the subject of his growing internet business and that his fear of going to college for a career that might not be there when he graduated talked him out of going. I can see that actually. About an hour later we realized that we had been neglecting the frozen treats, which somehow became a topic. Right after that we ran out of things to say and I guess the quiet bugged me. I kissed him.
One would expect a man like Charles to push his luck and make a run for second base. A turn out his overly flirtatious behavior is a mask. Why am I attracted to people who hide their feelings? I guess I was just looking for someone like me. Whoever said that opposites attract never heard of me.
Just like with Michael I found myself rushing into something. Looking back, you would think that I would have learned my lesson. Well…maybe I did, just not one in that field. Yes I jumped into a relationship with no idea of how far it could go, but this time I was better prepared. Plus I had the edge of being with someone who was willing to commit exclusively, instead of someone looking for a lifeboat out of a sinking ship.
My now legal husband has been great with Brandy. I don't think anyone would have seen Charles as the father type. Then again, who would have guessed that he would find success with an internet business? That's not fair, he's a charismatic person and when he wants your attention he gets it. You can try to ignore him, you might want to ignore him, but what he says just sticks in the back of your head. In six months he went from a one man business to a small empire. I wonder how much he secretly enjoys having Kevin work for him. Probably as much as I do.
I'm off topic again, but today I have an excuse that doesn't revolve around some bad choices. I'm starting my new life as Andrea Ruttheimer.
Just like when I stepped on that train, here goes everything. Except this time nothing is driving me to drink.