THE DUST
Peter Parker watched his ill chosen love Mary Jane walk away from him. How many times had they'd had this conversation, he wasn't sure. All he knew was that they were trapped in a dangerous situation.
He couldn't openly be with her, because if certain enemies knew he was Spider-Man, that would be all she wrote. Yet, she couldn't bring herself to be with anybody else, because she was madly in love with him still, despite knowing he was Spider-Man. And he was too selfish to let her go for good.
He watched her storm away. His hand reached out of its own accord and her name bubbled up to his lips... But right before he could call her back to him, his whole world began to spiral in varying shades of purple. The sensation of falling overtook him for a moment and he landed on his hands and knees roughly. No, he raged. Not her. Not now.
"Peter I need you to do something for me," a female addressed him. "The earth of a powerful planet is on the verge of scattering through the cosmos and disrupting reality."
He looked up. Madam Webb.
"Find the birthplace of dirt's pinch,
And all shall be contained hence," she recited.
He frowned.
"So you want me to bring back some space dust," he said drily.
"Not just you. You and a partner."
"A partner? Who? I can do fine by myself!"
"The one they call... Deadpool."
Spider-man didn't bother arguing. Madam Webb has already made up her mind and began spinning the threads of space and time to send him where he needed to go.
UGH.
DEADPOOL.
/\/\/
Dontcha just hate it when stupid idiots say something obvious? In addition to already being stupid and idiotic, they've also just expressed something a mentally challenged three year old with a speech impediment could've pointed out!
Yeah I'm talking to you.
YOU, butt munch. Ain't nobody else here.
They call me the Merc with a mouth, which I find redundant because... Don't we ALL have mouths?
I'm just a Merc. With a sense of humor.
And unusual taste for bloodlust.
Now we're getting somewhere.
You're probably wonder what the crap is happening aren't you.
Me too.
I was takin a dump and then this portal opened up around me. Not sure if I'm more pissed about not bein able to poop in peace or because this stupid portal left the toilet paper at home.
Whatever. I'm grabbin the first thing I see.
/\/\/
Peter, in full Spider-Man gear now, tumbled out of the portal. Where the heck was Deapdpoo- aw really?
Deadpool was wiping his defecation crusted butt crack on Spider-Man's leg. Spider-Man punched him dead in the jaw, flipping him over and landing in the dirt. Deadpool grinned up at him and snuggled the dirt a bit.
"Oooooohh it tingles."
Spider-Man frowned, then walked to a nearby reservoir and rinsed off his leg.
"That's cuz the dirt from this planet is powerful. That's why we have to get the dust of it from the core. And- from the looks of it, we're underground already. Way to go Madam Webb. That rarely happens."
Deadpool stood up.
"So now what."
That's not what I really want to say, but I guess I have to. This idiot doesn't know that I already know where the dust is. Hahahaha THIS is how you make a story interesting. Pay attention scum bags.
Spider-Man felt the rock walls around him.
"There should be a hidden corridor around here somewhere... Madam Webb always sends me to do the simplest- GAH!"
The door to the secret corridor opened, and a rocky fist launched out sending Spidey hurling against the opposite wall. Deadpool snickered and charged the beast, drawing one sword and a pistol. The bullets thudded harmlessly off the creature, but ricocheted dangerously back at Deadpool and Spider-Man. He looked down. Blood seeped down the front of his shirt.
"Watch it!" Spidey yelled as he somersaulted agilely through the flying deadly metal.
Deadpool pulled up short, stuck a thumb in his mouth and blew- all the shards of rejected metal popped out of his body. He grinned and resumed his charge. His sword arced through the air, clanging loudly against the rock creature's hide. Spidey fired balls of webbing at the thing's eye sockets, narrowly avoiding getting smashed in the process. His Spidey sense went off again and he ducked. Deadpool caught the blow and there was a sharp cracking sound.
REALLY? Does nobody realize that just because I heal doesn't mean I don't feel pain? I hate this stupid writer. When I'm done filming my movie I'm gonna slice his dang fingers off.
Spider-Man kept ducking and whirling about. Deadpool pulled-
Ha!
...himself back together and shouted.
"I have an idea! Keep him distracted!"
"Wha-?" Spider-Man started, but Deadpool had already vanished down the corridor.
/\/\/
Deadpool ran down the long flight of stairs, occasionally somersaulting off the walls for a thrill. The bottom of the stone staircase opened out into another wide underground cavern. A golden ethereal glow seemed to emanate from everywhere in the empty room. The ground was unnaturally smooth. Right in center on a pedestal sat a blue and green lamp.
Deadpool walked up to it and lingered a moment. His eyes shone with the reflected glow.
"Nope! Been there, done that, HATED it."
Then he abruptly turned away to the left, depressed a stone a tenth of a foot down, and something resembling fine sand drizzled lightly into his outstretched palm. He grinned. Mission accomplished.
/\/\/
Sweat poured down Spider-man's face. Not only could he NOT seem to be able to disable the monster... It was also incredibly fast. Where in the world was Deadpool?
Right on cue the Merc with a Mouth came diving over the rock monster's right shoulder. He landed nimbly on his feet and took off yelling.
"Ruuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn..."
Spidey grimaced, dodged another blow and took off after him.
"Do you have the stuff?"
"Yeah! Now call your old geezer or you're gonna be bug splat kiddo!"
Spider-man resisted tripping him.
"Madam Webb!" He called out. "Madam Webb, now would be a good time! Madam We- OOF!"
A portal swept them away jarringly, right as the rock creature swiped at where Spidey's head would have been.
/\/\/
Spidey tumbled into Madam Webb's presence with Deadpool's glove in his fist. He carefully laid it in her hands. She unfurled it and smiled delightedly.
"Well done." She waved her hand at him. "And good luck."
"Wha-" he started again, but a portal spit him out back in New York, just in time to see Mary Jane walking away from him.
He facepalmed himself and turned around to head home.
/\/\/
Well I didn't see her make the switch, but this is cool I guess. I know EXACTLY what to use a Spidey glove for.
Deadpool walked back to the bathroom and resumed his bowel movement.
What are YOU lookin at bub?
THE END.