Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing Shinji and his friends for a while, Anno can have e'm back when I'm done.
Author's note: I'm still a Swede. Be nice.
The Swedish Royal House proudly presents:
Junk Food 2: The Second CourseIt was lunchtime at NERV, and the technical staff was slowly filling up the cafeteria to enjoy another sub-standard meal of the kind found in prisons and schools everywhere.
At this moment Maya Ibuki and Shigeru Aoba was standing in line to get their share of the usual 'What's-this-called-again meal', and they were not pleased.
"Ok Aoba, what's on the menu today?" Maya asked as they approached the counter.
"Alright, we have this…god awful, meatloaf looking thingy, and…OH CHRIST! Is that blue soup!?
"YUCK! I think I'll go with the weird brown thing", Maya exclaimed and slapped a generous brown pile on her plate.
"Sign me up for the 'might-be-meatloaf'. Honestly, food in any shade of blue cannot be healthy." Aoba said while pointing an accusing finger towards the offending soup.
They walked over to a vacant table and stared with an astounding lack of enthusiasm on the goop on their plates (if you looked very closely it almost looked like it was trying to crawl away).
"I don't get it, they must have the highest budget in the history of man, and still they cant get decent food in the cafeteria. What's up with that?" Aoba asked while digging a hole in his pile with the fork.
"Firstly, need I remind you of the fish sticks we had last Monday? Anything is better than that." They both shuddered as they forced down the memory of the day that would forever be known as 'The Fishy Monday'.
"And secondly," she continued, "almost all the money goes to repairing the city, the EVA's, and hauling away the dead Angels. If we could figure out what to do with tons and tons of dead Angel we might even make some money for a change".
Aoba mumbled something about dead Angels being the main ingredient in the food and took a big bite of the substance in front of him. And suddenly he smiled.
"It may look like shit, but it's not that bad," he proceeded with stuffing his face as Maya tried to concentrate on her food.
About forty-five minutes later the insanity commenced.
***
Asuka was in a bad mood, and for some reason it seemed to be Shinji's fault.
The children were walking down the corridors of NERV on their way to the standard set of tests. Shinji had always hated the tests, and the fuming redhead to his left was not making things easier.
"Why didn't you make us any lunch for school? Now we will be stuck in these tests for hours before we can eat. This is all your fault!" she ranted while waving her finger in the air for emphasis.
"What the hell do you want me to do!? Misato almost burned down the kitchen last time she cooked, and we wont get a new stove for another week. So how is that my fault!?" he shouted back.
Shinji was normally a quiet and well-mannered boy, but she had been bitching about her stomach for hours and he was getting severely pissed.
"Ok, we have at least half an hour left anyway so we will go to the cafeteria and eat. And I don't want to hear any more complaints. GOT THAT!"
Shinji stormed of towards the cafeteria with a baffled Asuka in tow. While she walked next to him she could hear him mumbling under his breath, he was obviously very pissed and Asuka decided to keep quiet before he went berserk on her. As they approached the cafeteria he suddenly stopped and started sniffing the air with a small frown on his face.
"Do you smell that?" he asked.
Asuka could indeed smell something vaguely familiar, and for some reason she felt like giggling madly all of a sudden.
"Yeah. It kinda reminds me of old socks, or maybe that thing that that used to grow behind the dryer."
"I miss that thing," Shinji said with a hint of sadness in his voice "It was always so nice and polite."
"Hey, the thing had to go, it was spreading all over the wall."
"So what?"
"IT WAS STEALING MY UNDERWEAR FOR GOD'S SAKE!!"
"That was never proven," Shinji answered defensively.
Suddenly he figured out what the smell reminded him of.
"Do you remember that time Misato made that meatloaf looking thing?" he asked as the feeling of dread started to work it's way up his spine.
"Of course I do, I was sick for the better part of a week, and I have nev…Gott im Himmel!!" The children looked at each other, nodded and ran towards the door.
"It can't be that thing, Misato swore she burned the damn recipe!" she shouted to Shinji as they stopped outside the doors.
"Yeah I thought so to," he answered and swung the doors open.
And then they stepped into chaos.
***
"Are they gone yet?" Asuka asked.
Shinji poked his head over the edge of the overturned table they were covering behind and scanned the battlefield.
"Yeah, everyone except for the Ice-Cream guy," he reported as he came back down.
"Good, I want him for myself, let's move out."
As they had moved into the cafeteria they had ended up in the middle of a food fight between the security force and the janitors. They had quickly taken refuge behind nearby table to avoid the barrage of brown substance that had been directed at them by the janitors, who evidently thought they were enemy paratroopers. About then a security guy had found his gun and started to shoot out the windows, which sent everyone stampeding for the exit.
And on top of it all a forty-something old man were standing on a table chanting "I scream, you scream, we all scream for Ice-cream" over and over again at the top of his lungs.
Asuka walked over to said ice-cream lover, picked up a chair, and smashed it over his head.
"Feel better now?" Shinji asked as he watched her carefully place the remains of the chair beside the unconscious man.
"Yup," she answered cheerfully and examined one of the brown stains on the nearby wall.
"Now its official, 'The Nameless Brown Stuff' has returned." she turned towards Shinji who was checking out the contents of a soup bowl, "I wonder how many people actually ate it?" she asked him.
"I think almost everyone did," he stated as he turned from the bowl in disgust.
"Why the hell would they be stupid enough to do that?" she asked with a sceptical look on her face.
"Because the alternative was blue soup," Shinji answered.
"Ohhh, that explains it," she nodded in agreement.
Both turned around as the door suddenly flew open and the security guards came running into the room. It would appear that the janitors had retaliated and the guards were desperately trying to regain their footing in the cafeteria.
"Oh shit, they're back! Haul ass idiotboy!" Asuka shouted and started to run towards the other exit with Shinji right behind her.
They got out just as the first food started to fly, the guards had taken a last heroic stand but anyone could se that they were badly outnumbered and would soon be overrun by the janitors.
***
Misato was baffled. She had never seen headquarters this deserted; She had arrived to take her shift and had found the command central completely empty. After that she had been walking around for a solid hour and hadn't seen a single soul.
"Were the hell is everybody, is it Happy Hour or something?" she muttered to herself as she turned down into a new corridor.
Suddenly she could hear the sound of running feet coming down a adjoining corridor, and a moment later Shinji and Asuka bolted around the corner and ran towards her.
"What's with you guys?" she asked as they passed her in a blur.
"The janitors are coming! And this time it's personal!" Asuka shouted back as they rounded the next corner.
About then Misato noticed the low rumbling sound that slowly had been gaining volume.
She turned around just in time to see a hoard of janitors charge around the corner with malice in their eyes, and several of them were carrying various food articles.
"OH CRAP!!" Misato shouted as she ran after the children with the murderous pack hot on her trail.
After a couple of turns they reached an elevator and got in just as the first tomatoes started to fly. As the doors closed and the elevator lurched into movement they could hear the angry growls of their pursuers as they started to ramble down the stairs, they were not giving up that easy.
"Ok you two, what the hell is the matter with those people?" Misato asked as she tried to regain her breath.
"I think it was something they ate," Shinji answered with a dark look at the major.
"Huh?" now she was even more confused than before.
"Brown, foul-smelling and madness inducing. Ring any bells?" Asuka asked in her most sarcastic tone.
"What do you mea…NO, IT COULDN'T BE!!" Misato gasped in shock.
"I thought you burned that recipe and threw the entire episode in a big barrel marked 'Cover Up'. Explain why they are serving the stuff in the friggin' cafeteria?" Asuka asked Misato with a threat of physical violence looming over every word.
"I don't know. I swear I burned every copy, nobody knows how to cook that stuff except for me." She answered defensively.
"THEN WHY ARE WE BEING CHASED ALL AROUND THE PLACE BY RABID JANITORS!!" She screamed, her face starting to flush in anger.
"Because you assaulted the company mascot with a chair." Shinji interjected smoothly.
"Shut up baka! He got what he deserved!" she exclaimed and crossed her arms over her chest and pointed her nose skyward.
At that moment the elevator reached the laboratory floor and stopped. As they got out they could hear the faint sound of their pursuers coming from the stairwell.
"The company mascot?" Misato asked.
"Long story," Shinji answered and sat down on the floor.
"Anyway, we have about two minutes before they get here, what next?" Asuka asked Misato who was busy trying to block the door to the stairwell.
"Well, we are on Ritsuko's domain, we should find her, she is good at this kind of stuff." She answered as they hurried down a corridor towards the laboratories.
The first two labs the checked were empty, and as they opened the door to the third a loud crash signalled that the vengeful janitors had caught up with them.
They swiftly got in and closed the door and pressed their ears against it, they could hear faint voices floating in from the corridor.
"Uhhhh, which way did they go, which way did they go!!?" one janitor shouted.
"Uhhh, methinks they went this way" another one answered, and with a ferocious warcry they scampered of in the wrong direction.
"I think we are safe for now," Misato sighed and turned around to scan the room, and immediately went stiff.
"What?" Asuka asked, turned around, and also went stiff.
Shinji turned around curiously, and (you guessed it) went stiff.
The room was bathed in an eerie green glow, with strange gadgets beeping and clicking everywhere. And in the centre of it all Ritsuko was standing over a table muttering to herself.
"Yes, yes, now I have it, it is completed!" Ritsuko exclaimed and turned around, clasping something between her hands.
"BEHOLD!! I HAVE CREATED THE ULTIMATE BROWNIE!!!" She cried and held the brown object over her head.
"Let me guess, she ate the Stuff to?" Shinji had a habit of stating the obvious.
"You don't say!" Asuka retorted with great sarcasm, and looked over at the good doctor, who was now cackling madly.
Suddenly Ritsuko seemed to notice their presence in the room.
"I'm so glad you are here. My lab rats keep dying on me, but this time I've got it. Care to try some?" she extended the little brownie shaped object towards them with an evil grin on her face.
At this point all three were already trying to pull the door open, not noticing that the little sign over the handle clearly said, "Push".
"Leaving so soon? We can't have that. SEIZE THEM MY LOYAL MINION!!!" Ritsuko shouted.
"Yes Master." Maya said as she came shuffling out of the shadows, doing a very good imitation of "Igor, the hunchbacked assistant".
About now they noticed the little sign, pushed all at once and came flying into the opposite wall. 0.02 seconds later they were sprinting back towards the elevator, followed by Ritsuko's mad laughter. Back in the elevator they started to make plans on dealing with the crisis.
"Ok, we may as well presume that we are the only ones not affected in the building." Misato stated as she pushed the "Up" button.
"What about the Commander? I can't believe that he would eat in the cafeteria." Asuka asked.
"That's a good idea. He has access everywhere, he could be of some help." Misato said.
They both looked at Shinji. He sighed.
"I guess it can't be helped. Let's do it," he said, but he did not sound happy about it.
***
They had managed to get up to commander Ikari's office without much trouble, except for the run-in with Hyuga. He had occupied the command central and was playing a heated game of "Red Alert 5: Why Wont The Damn Russians Stay Dead?" against all three MAGI, on the main screen. They managed to sneak by as Hyuga crushed Caspar's last defences, not knowing that Melchior was creeping towards his base. As they were walking down the hallway towards the office a door suddenly flew open and the sound of Maracas could be heard.
Out through the door came a Conga line, led by Rei Ayanami herself. It made its way across the corridor and through an opposite door, and vanished.
"I don't get it, she of all people should know what happens if you eat that stuff!" Misato exclaimed as the last person in the line closed the door as he went through.
"She probably got tired of being a emotionless doll all the time" Asuka said as they made their way to the office.
"I never knew she even owned a pair of Maracas," Shinji interjected as Misato knocked on the door.
"Enter," came the monotone answer from the other side.
Shinji braced himself as they entered the dark room with the sephirotic system in the roof as the only source of light. At the other end of the room Gendo sat at his desk with his back turned towards them.
"What brings you here Major Katsuragi?" he asked in that same monotone voice.
"Uh, the ongoing crisis of course." She answered with a frown.
"And what crisis would that be major?"
"Sir, haven't you noticed that everyone is acting very bizarre?" she asked completely dumbstruck.
"Oh that crisis, do not worry, I have the situation under control."
Misato could only stare at the man as he turned around.
"What?" he asked, "It's the tie huh? I always have a problem with the tie."
"Ok, we might as well leave now." Misato said and turned towards the door.
"Awww, come on, can't you at least help me the goddamn tie first!" Gendo cried out in desperation.
Shinji walked calmly over to his father, removed the tie from his forehead, and decked him with a right hook from hell.
As he turned around he found the two girls staring at him.
"What? Its not like he's going to remember it tomorrow anyway." He said and calmly walked out of the room, instantly feeling better about himself.
"I never suspected that he ate the same food as us mortals," Asuka stated as they stopped to let the Conga line pass, they were almost twenty people now.
"He must get it delivered to his office, I just can't picture him in the cafeteria." Misato observed.
Shinji said nothing; he just gazed of into space with a content smile plastered across his face.
"Ok, it looks like we have to handle this ourselves. Follow me." Misato said and stepped of down the hall.
"Where are we going now?" Asuka asked as she hurried after her guardian, Shinji just followed mechanically, still lost in his own world.
"The stuff wears off after a couple of hours remember? We'll go to the nearest armoury and get some tranquilliser guns and knock them all out." Misato explained.
"Hell yeah!! I'm game." Shinji exclaimed, knocking his father out had obviously gotten the testosterone flowing.
"Oh brother." Both Asuka and Misato groaned and buried their faces in their hands.
***
As they got closer to the armouries they started to encounter small groups of people who had brought their own lunch, and thus were unaffected. They all seemed to like Misato's plan and decided to join up, and by the time they reached their destination they had rounded up about thirty people. After the trip to the armoury they were all equipped with two guns each, a couple of gas grenades and the 'way cool combat gear' that Asuka insisted they all wear as a uniform. Subsequently everybody wore a black, bulletproof garment that worked in the same fashion as a plugsuit, and a black heatproof trenchcoat with matching sunglasses.
Shinji cursed himself for renting "The Matrix" last night as he stuffed his pockets full of tranquilliser darts and joined the others for the briefing.
"Alright men, this is the situation" Misato started.
***
Shinji slowly looked around a corner into the hall beyond. Seeing that the coast was clear he signalled the men behind him and three of them moved forward to cover the others.
They were not far from the command central now. The situation had become more serious in the last hour; the janitors still held the cafeteria and were massing their forces for a major strike. And the security guards had allied themselves with the EVA maintenance team to try and push the janitors back. There were affected people running all over headquarters, so Misato's small army had to act quickly before someone did anything serious.
They had decided to divide into three teams of ten men, with Shinji, Asuka and Misato as leaders, to try and secure the important facilities and then work from there.
Shinji's team would liberate the command central, Asuka's would go after the EVA cages and Misato would try to confine the janitors in the cafeteria, after that they would rendezvous and deal with the rest of the affected staff. Normally Shinji would be uncomfortable with his current position, but he was still riding another huge wave of testosterone-induced self-confidence. So he pretty much felt like Nicholas Cage in "The Rock", and all the battles he had fought had actually given him a fairly decent sense of tactics.
The strike was carried out swift and brutally. Hyuga was still playing and never knew what hit him, and Aoba who was sitting on top of one of the MAGI, wearing a straw hat and playing the banjo (those of you that have seen the movie "Deliverance" know what I mean) went down calmly. But the bridge crew proved more resilient, one of Shinji's men got his foot broken by a paperweight that was throw at him, other than that it went smooth.
"Command central secure," Shinji signalled over the radio.
"About damn time, we took the cages five minutes ago." Asuka called back.
"Good job guys, you should launch the EVA's into the Geofront just I case something happens." Misato answered cheerfully.
Shinji gave the order to one of his men, and a moment later they could see the giant machines appearing just outside headquarters on their screens.
"So how's it going?" Shinji asked Misato.
"We're almost there," She answered, "You two might as well get over here and we'll finish it once and for all."
"Roger." They answered and started to move out.
Two minutes later it happened.
"HOLY SHIT!!" Misato suddenly screamed over the radio, "I need backup now! They are already on the move! I repeat, the janitors are moving!"
In the background they could hear the loud roars of the enraged janitors as they engaged Misato's outnumbered team.
***
As Asuka and her team got closer to the cafeteria they started to run into more and more resistance. After a couple of heated skirmishes, against both the janitors and the alliance of security guards and EVA maintenance, she felt it was safe to say that the final apocalyptic battle for dominance of the food related facilities had begun. And somewhere inside Misato and baka-Shinji where hogging all the action. Just as she prepared to push forward a door flew open and that goddamn Conga line showed up again, she noticed that the commander had taken place behind Rei. As the line slowly made its way towards them she realised what a great opportunity she had here, and a wicked grin spread over her face.
"Hey Asuka! Why don't you and your friends join in, wicked outfit by the way." The overly exited girl hollered.
Asuka just smiled at her, and put three darts, centre mass, in her chest. Those hours at the shooting range where finally paying off.
"Owwww, that hurt you meanie!" Rei whined, and slowly sunk to the floor unconscious.
Gendo just stared at her for a moment, than picked up the Maracas that she had dropped and led the line through another door, away from the redhead.
"Ok men, let's go save the day!" Asuka exclaimed and ran towards the sound of the battle.
Nobody dared to object.
***
Misato was very angry. She and her team had taken refuge in the kitchen to get away from the rampant janitors that even now where banging on the door to get in. both her and her men were covered from head to toe in brown gunk and various other sticky food products, and their only hope for salvation was Shinji and Asuka, who still were at least ten minutes away.
More than everything right now she wanted a long hot shower to rinse the leftovers of her body, and she could see that the others thought in similar patterns right now. Suddenly she was brought out of her reverie by the sound of screams and the familiar whizzing sound of tranquilliser darts flying through the air.
"Here comes the cavalry!" she shouted, "Ok, lets blow this joint!"
Everybody rushed towards the door with a fierce cry of vengeance, but before she could reach it a door marked "Broom Closet" swung open and someone pulled her in.
"Why hello there Katsuragi," a very familiar voice whispered into her ear, "I have been waiting for you."
***
Shinji watched as his men combined with Misato's pushed the janitors back, and from a corridor on his left he could hear a steady stream of German profanities that meant that Asuka would be joining them shortly. He had still hadn't found Misato and that worried him a little.
Sure, the most lethal weapon they used was tomatoes, but a well thrown tomato could cause terrible stains that just wouldn't wash away. He went into the kitchen to see if anybody were still lurking in there, and suddenly heard a sound coming from the broom closet.
"Keep away from me or I'll break your damn knees!" that was Misato's voice.
"Come on babe, you know you want It." That voice sounded very familiar.
He quickly opened the door and was left dumbstruck at the sight in front of him.
Misato had been backed into a corner, and was using a broom to keep an obviously very horny Kaji at bay.
"Figures" he thought as he shot Kaji twice in the back and watched him slump to the floor.
"Who's the man up in here!?" He shouted as he held his gun victoriously over his head.
Misato, who was getting sick and tired of Shinji's hormones, had no intention of informing him of the Security guard that had snuck up behind him with a bucket of ice water.
Then suddenly the guard froze in the middle of step and slowly fell forward, revealing a grinning Asuka with her gun lifted. You could almost hear Shinji's ego deflating.
"If you're finished with whatever you were doing we have a battle to finish out here." she added smugly and walked out through the door.
"Yeah let's wrap this up," Misato said as she got out of the closet "Come along now Shinji."
"Yes Misato." He answered glumly, he assessed that it would take at least a week before his two roommates would let him forget the whole episode.
"If I'm lucky I'll hit my head and fall into a coma or something," he thought as they hurried towards the sound of battle.
***
Shinji, Asuka and Misato were sitting on the floor of the recently conquered cafeteria. They were covered from head to toe with various food substances and looked like they had gone to hell and back. The battle had been a quick and brutal affair. The enemy didn't have a chance against the horde of black-clad fiends and after a short while they broke into a massive retreat, leaving at least half of their forces lying on the floor. At this moment the men were cleaning out the last of the opposition
"I am going to take a shower and then I'm going to sleep for at least a week, and if anyone mentions this incident again I will rip that someone's head of." Asuka announced as she proceeded to pick crushed tomato out of her hair.
"By the way, did we find out who's responsible for all of this?" Shinji asked while trying to pick some noodles of his coat.
"No, I found my recipe scribbled on a piece of paper in the kitchen but I don't recognise the handwriting" Misato answered, "We'll just file this as "unsolved" and never speak of it again."
Shinji was starting to feel a little uneasy, he couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he was sure there was something…
"Is it just me or are we forgetting something?" he asked the two women.
"Well, we still haven't had any lunch." Asuka answered and removed half an egg that had impaled itself on one of her A-10 connectors.
Shinji just shrugged and went back to his noddle picking.
And in the depths of Terminal Dogma the rhythmical sound of Maracas could be heard.
***
Sub-commander Fuyutski leaned back in the big leather armchair he was sitting in with a content sigh. He had watched the entire spectacle on a huge array of monitors that he had hocked up to the surveillance system, and he was rather pleased with the result.
"After all, with all the shit I have to put up with I think I deserve a little fun" he thought as he smiled to himself.
"I owe you one," he said to his accomplice, who was sitting on the floor beside him "I could never have gotten that recipe from the major without her noticing."
"Waaark, waarrkk." (My pleasure old man) Pen Pen answered as he helped himself to another beer from the nearby cooler.
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The time is now 01:24 AM and I am finally finished. I have had the idea for a sequel bouncing around in my head for weeks now and I finally decided to sit down and write it. Now that I have gotten it out of my system I can hopefully concentrate on some of my other work for a change. Some of you may recognise the blue soup thing, I saw it in "Bridget Jones Diary" and decided that it would work perfectly in this fic. And I also must inform you that there will be no more sequels to this story, it would just be to much of the same old thing (like "Friday the 13'th" if you know what I mean).
That's all for now, bye bye.
Big thanks to my sister for helping me out with a couple of things, and for laughing at my insanity.
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EXTRA! EXTRA! EXTRA! EXTRA!
Shinji and Asuka were walking towards the kitchens to see if they could salvage some food that hadn't been used as ammunition. They had both showered and changed into some clean clothes in the locker room and they both felt like a million bucks. Everywhere you could see traces of the heated battle that had been fought only an hour earlier, such as sedated technicians that had been dragged to the sides of the halls to avoid being stepped on.
As they got to the kitchen they only found microwave pizza that someone had left in their lunchbox, and a couple of tomatoes. However, since either of them could look at a tomato without flinching, they decided to go with the pizza. As they sat down to eat the ground started to shake in a sort of rhythmical fashion and a huge stomping sound started to get closer. And through the window they saw something that no human eye had ever seen before.
The EVA's had formed a Conga line, with Unit-01 in the lead. It was swinging two gigantic Maracas they were slowly circling the large building. The two children stared until they had passed the window, then they stared at each other.
"Now there is something you don't see every day" was all Shinji could think of to say.
"I wonder where it found those Maracas?" Asuka added.
"Probably had them custom made, you rarely see that size in the shops."
They looked at each other, shrugged, and went back to their food.
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I know I said I was finished with this series, but this I just couldn't stop thinking about the situation I described above. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it cause I'm still not planning on another sequel (don't worry, sooner or later I will think of something, start obsessing over it, and force myself to write it down to preserve my sanity).