Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural
A/N: This is Sam's POV. There's also another version of the same story from Gabe's POV called I'm Trying Sammy
Sam, Dean, and Cas thought they'd dealt with the skeletons in their closet. While they remembered the people they'd lost, they tried not to let the emotions strangle them. Each had a coping technique: Dean's was alcohol and sex (with Cas). Cas's was sex (with Dean). Sam, however, prayed. He knew no one was listening, especially not to him, but he prayed the hardest when he thought that. He'd never really learned how to pray, so he figured it was something like a letter. He'd start with "Dear Gabe, "and then tell his dead love all the things that had gone on since his last prayer. When he was done he'd finish with a weak "Miss you, Sam." It had been months, Sam prayed every day, even though he knew Gabriel was dead. No one could hear him, but he just prayed louder. Sometimes he'd cry, sometimes he'd just accept that the world was shitty, but he'd always end with "Miss you, Sam."
"Dear Gabe, stuck in another shitty motel. Miss you, Sam." Sam looked around the motel, it seemed like someone would have to actually work to make it that disgusting. Gabe would have snapped his perfect fingers and Sam would be lounging in a mansion with amazing food and a lush bed. Sam moved to the fridge but froze when he heard a yell from the room next door. He bolted over, as it had been Dean's yell. The door was flapping open in the strong wind revealing Dean crouched over Cas trying to pull the covers up to hide their bodies. Trying his hardest not to gag at the sight of his brother's body, Sam slammed the door shut. Returning to his own room, Sam sat on the bed and popped open a beer. "Dear Gabe, just saw Dean and Cas. Wish you were here to bleach my eyes for me. Miss you, Sam." A few minutes passed before Dean strolled over to Sam's room.
"Look Sammy, you didn't see what you think you saw." Dean said in a lame attempt.
"Really?" Sam said dryly. "I'm not ten Dean." Sam said as he forced his eye roll not to turn into a glare.
"Well Cas and I are going on a food run." Dean said awkwardly.
"Would you like us to get you anything?" Cas asked appearing next to Dean with a telltale feather flap.
"Bleach." Sam had meant it to be sarcastic but it ended up sounding practically venomous. Dean looked abashed and left with Cas. "Dear Gabe, why am I acting like this? I'm usually better at controlling my emotions, but I'm just so...mad!" Sam threw his beer bottle against the wall watching it shatter. "Dean trots Cas around like his perfect little angel while you're...gone. It's like he's shoving it in my face. It's my fault you're dead! I get it." Sam let out a shaky breath as he tried to hold back the sobs that usually wracked his body when he went down this path. "I blame myself already, so he doesn't have to make it worse." Sam hissed. "Missing you more than ever, Sam." Sam finished off his prayer and went to clean up the shards of broken glass. Doing it by hand seemed the best way to make him feel better, each cut taking his mind off Gabe if only for a second. He liked the burn of the alcohol on his bloody hands too. Gabe would have snapped and the bottle would be whole again, or the shards would be in the trash, and Sam's hands would be perfectly fine again. But Gabe was gone.
Dean and Cas returned later and the brothers sat while the angel put the groceries away. "Sammy, I might die soon." Dean said sighing with his eyes on Cas's ass. Sam rolled his eyes. "Cas and I haven't had sex in months." Dean confessed.
"Sure Dean." Sam said dryly. What he'd seen earlier looked too much like sex to be anything else, Cas's legs on Dean's shoulders, their faces both pink.
"No really. We get going and just when we're about to finish the job something happens. Like I'm cursed or something. Every time." Dean said as if it were the worst thing in his entire existence.
"Like the door flying open in the wind?" Sam asked frowning. Dean nodded. "Could be a ghost." Sam offered.
"I don't have anything that would be haunted." Dean said.
"And I haven't seen any ghosts." Cas said casually as he finished putting the groceries away.
"You know, it's the kinda shit Gabriel would pull. Fucking trickster." Dean snapped his fingers, mocking the archangel. Sam's fingernails dug into his palm as he focused every ounce of self-restrain he possessed on not attacking his brother.
"Gabe's dead." Sam said through clenched teeth.
"Can angels be ghosts? Maybe you can't see angel ghosts." Dean continued as if he hadn't heard Sam. Maybe he hadn't, Sam had said it a bit quiet. Maybe he should slap Dean upside the head and say it again. "Anyway, I really need to finish the job soon or I might explode. Literally." Dean said miming an explosion from his pelvic region. The two left, Sam didn't want to think why, and he was once again alone. Painfully, soul crushingly alone. "Dear Gabe, I'm lonely. Miss you, Sam." Sam said as he curled up on the bed.
"I'm trying Sammy." A voice said. It sounded fuzzy, like a radio station that was not coming in correctly, but Sam was instantly alert. It had been Gabe's voice.