A/N: This was a crackfic for my brother, written purely for amusement purposes. I have never watched Naruto, nor do I intend to. Enjoy! Well, as much as you can enjoy an OOC Naruto fic with about 600 paragraphs about "the Ninja Way." Anything offensive is not intended to be so. If it cracks you up, (haha get it?) then totally let me know in the comments. I live to serve.

-inkpink

The coffee maker is roaring when you awake. It's a bleak Saturday morning, raindrops leaking down windowpanes and coloring your tiny apartment in shades of grey. Another grumble sounds from the direction of the kitchen, followed by a loud "bang!'

This is the Uchiha bitch's way of saying that he's mad at you. You know this with complete clarity. You don't actually remember doing something to upset him, but it could be anything with this guy.

His current technique has been used on you many times before. Obnoxious and childish it may be, it never fails to get your blood boiling. Sasuke knows that your Ninja Way forbids you from drinking the illusive liquid otherwise known as coffee, and he hold it over your head every chance he gets. You're not even sure if he likes the stuff.

Actually, you're not even sure why you have that coffee maker. It's not like you spend your weekends gazing into it's polished surface, ghosting it with your fingertips, mouth going drier than your orientation speech at the esteemed Ninja Academy of Kickass Tricks, where you spent all your years of schooling...

A tea kettle's wail joins the belly-aching of the coffee pot. Oh, it's definitely Sasuke. Only someone as coldhearted and annoying as him would go to the trouble of making coffee purely to annoy you, because you're certain now that he's made himself a cup of green tea to sip while he waits. Pathetic.

You heave yourself out of bed, not bothering to change out of your patented nine-tailed-fox fursuit. Sasuke has seen you in worse, and besides, you sleep in it every night.

The kitchen is empty when you walk in, Tempurr-pedic furslippers padding across the tile floors. Weird. You could have sworn that you'd heard a husky ANNOYING laugh coming from this general vicinity. What could that snarky shitstain possibly be do-

"That took long enough."

This is one of the things that you absolutely hate about the guy! He's always appearing out of nowhere like some kind of unwanted fanservice, trailing dark shadows and the scent of musky cologne in his wake.

You open your mouth to say something in response, most likely a clever retort, but all that comes out of your mouth is an earsplitting

"Nyah!"

This is the problem with your fursuit.

You gnash your teeth and let out a howl. Sasuke drops his tea and squares up. The hot tea splatters across your leg, but you feel nothing through your umpteen layers of synthetic hair and body paint.

You are near-invincible in this form. Sasuke knows this.

He's an idiot though, so he charges anyway. Why do you even keep him around?

OH RIGHT, you don't. He just drops by like he owns the place, and uses your glitter glue to give himself hideous body tattoos that will never be as cool as yours.

Sasuke is a terrible person, which is why you're not friends, which is why he's not your boyfriend.

That, and he's a homophobic asshole who spends his weekends on Reddit trolling eight year olds. He probably gets off to the sound of their frustration. You wouldn't know.

You really wouldn't be friends with Sasuke at all, if it wasn't for the fact that no one else likes to fight you.

You counter one of Sasuke's blows with one of your massive fox paws. That's another good thing about the fursuit: it turns you into a ham-fisted savage. You love being a ham-fisted savage.

Sasuke begins to scream your name.

"NARUTOOOOO!"

Deep inside the fursuit, you sigh. God, this would make such a great fanfiction. Maybe when you finish whooping Sasuke's ass into the next season of Shippuden, you'll pull out your handy-dandy laptop and relive the scene. For now though, there's nothing left to do but shriek back

"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

You can tell that he feels threatened by just how long you were able to hold that last syllable. He is a mealworm, and you are an eagle. You seize him in your big, yellow, patriotic claws and pinch. Sasuke yells

"LET GO OF MY FACE NARUTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

You squish harder. Insects deserve no mercy.

Sasuke pulls his arm back like he's about to drop the hottest whip of the century. The sky darkens. Oh, God, no. You know what's coming.

Sasuke's patented bitch slap bops you right on the noggin'. Ninja stars swim before your eyes, because you're so legendarily badass that even your comatose dreams follow your Ninja Way.

Just before you pass out, you manage to free one word from the suffocating confine of your weak STRONG lips.

"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"