"So...Maura can't lie?"

"Nope."

"Not even a little bit?"

"She breaks out in hives if she even tries."

"So you two really are lovers?"

"What?!"

"Okay. Last weekend, Frankie and I went to a car show...and we ran into that guy...Giovanni..."

"Oh, my god..."

"He asked and I quote 'Is Jane still burning up the sheets with the smoking hot death doctor?' End quote."

"Kill me now."

"He said that you two, the BOTH of you, told him you were together 'like forever ago'...and if the doc can't lie..."

"I need coffee...or whiskey...or whiskey in coffee..."

"He also said that every time he sees you two together you can't keep your hands off each other."

"Not EVERY time..."

"So you two are together?"

"I can't talk about this..."

"Look, if you're trying to keep in on the down low...I understand. I watched my mom do it for years."

"I appreciate that. Really, I do. But I honestly and truly can NOT talk about this."

"Are you ashamed?"

"God, no! It just isn't something...Maura and I don't even talk about it. Not anymore."

"So you were together? But aren't now?"

"Not exactly. Look, I can't say anything else. I already feel like I betrayed Maura's trust. "

"Alright, I'll back off. But if you ever feel the need to talk about it...I am dying to know the details. All the details."

"Shut up."

"Come on! It's my birthday."

"Fucking perv."

R&I R&I R&I R&I

1 year later

"Okay...so you wanted to know the details and since it's your birthday and Maura said it was okay...I am going to tell you why she didn't break out in hives when we told Giovanni we were...yeah...first off we told him that so he would stop sending her giant stuffed teddy bears and boxes of chocolate after he couldn't take a hint that she had lost interest. Out of all the places on her body she would have let him...he wanted to lick her face. What a dumbass.

"So, remember back when Hoyt broke out of prison? And everybody was camped out on my doorstep bugging the shit out of me? When I took off, I went straight to Maura's house. We had a glass of wine and that was the first time I met Bass. Damn tortoise scared the hell out of me. He wasn't walking around the first time I had been there and she hadn't mentioned a pet. Anyway...she offered me her guest room and I was tired...just exhausted and scared. Terrified really. I agreed and we went into the bedroom.

"She laid down beside me and I made some crack about her being attracted to me. She just giggled. Didn't deny it. Agent Dean stopped by to drop off a file...we both thought he was cute or whatever...we talked about drawing straws or joked about flashing him our tits. We were just lying there laughing. Then Bass started bumping around in the kitchen. I thought for sure Hoyt had followed me there and I had put Maura in danger.

"But Maura said it was just Bass and that I could relax. And since Dean knew I was the there, half the department would be parked outside. Plus, she had a state of the art alarm system so we were as safe as 'nursing kittens'. She said that I should relax and get some sleep. Well, I couldn't sleep. My heart was racing. I tried to put everything out of my mind but couldn't. And Maura was laying there beside me smelling like cocoa butter and summertime. I would try to close my eyes but I kept finding myself just looking at her profile...wondering how in the world shewanted to be my friend.

"I asked her to talk about something...anything...to distract my brain. She joked about boring me to sleep. I told her I just liked the sound of her voice. So she started telling me about yoga and meditation. She suggested some relaxation techniques to help me sleep. I was willing to try...so she asked me to name a place where I love to relax. I said the beach. So she started describing it...the push and pull of the ocean tide...the warm sand. She said to picture the sun going down, just about to kiss the water. To imagine that we'd had a long, fun day in the surf and we were tired and needed to lie down.

"And then, suddenly, I could see it all. We were splashing each other in the ocean, just playing and laughing. We were wearing matching bikinis. Red ones. Our hair was wet, hanging between our shoulders. I noticed Maura was getting cold...so I nodded toward our blanket on the sand and we ran over to it and fell down out of breath. She looked so happy. Her eyes were sparkling, her dimples were like parentheses around the biggest, brightest smile I had ever seen. I felt so joyful and carefree, too. We were both just so happy. And I rolled over and kissed her.

"She was a little shocked at first but then she kissed me back. Everything was perfect. The sun, the sand, the sea and this beautiful woman, my best friend, kissing me. My hands were like they had a mind of their own...just pulling her toward me...I was touching her everywhere. Then my thigh was between her legs...her thigh was between mine...and we were dry humping the hell out of each other. It was the most erotic moment of my life. Well, at that point anyway.

"I had the hardest time getting her bikini top off. Maura finally just lifted it up...I had to touch her and taste her. My mouth was suddenly all over her boobs...then I latched on like a starving baby. My hands moved further south. I was a little confused when I felt myself unzipping her bikini bottoms...but then my hands were full of that ass I'd been watching for months and nothing else mattered. I was in heaven.

"So I was squeezing and sucking and grinding away...and Maura was panting and holding my head in place...and then...she started speaking French, which confused me even more. But I now have of a profound understanding into the psyche of Gomez Addams. To this day, whenever I hear Maura speak any other language, I get...weak...and just...anyway...she started saying 'Oh, mon dieu! Oui oui...ca vient!' I didn' t know what she was saying but I knew what she meant. It went straight to my core. I looked up at her and she was just so beautiful...and I had the strongest orgasm I had ever had.

"But when I caught my breath and opened my eyes again...the beach was gone and I was back in bed with Maura on top of me. I had my hands down the back of her pants. She rolled off of me...and her top and bra were pulled up above her tits. She had the biggest hickey on her right boob. It was huge and dark. We were both so confused. I apologized. She apologized. We were both wondering what the hell happened. I told her I was dreaming that we were at the beach. She said she was dreaming the same thing. Then she started freaking out, thinking that she had hypnotized me or something and taken advantage of me in my vulnerable state. I said I didn't feel taken advantage of and reminded her that she was the one with the hickey on her nipple.

"She insisted that it was all her fault. That I was too tired and too stressed for meditation...we should have been sitting up...the language she had used to describe the beach was too sexually suggestive and influenced my dreamlike state. But she had the same dream. Almost exactly, except in her dream we were wearing black bikinis. Oh and in my dream we were ten miles away at Revere Beach and in her dream we were at the Isles family beach house in southern France, which explained the erotic French talk.

"Maura finally 'hyothesized' that we experienced unintentional hypnagogic hallucinations during threshold consciousness. She kept stressing the unintentional part. I just thought it was really cool. I started laughing my ass off, trying to relieve her misplaced guilt. I finally got her to laugh. She was so worried it would mess with our friendship. I said it would only strengthen our bond. I told her she made me come in her sleep. She got a little sly smirk and said I did the same for her.

"So, to answer your original question, we had that one night together when we implied to Giovanni that we were lovers. And that is the reason it wasn't really a lie and why Maura didn't get hives. We have had a few more nights since you asked but Maura didn't give me permission to tell you about those...so forget I mentioned it.

"I have to go. The flowers are from Maura. She is waiting in the car. We find out today if the baby is a boy or a girl. But I wanted to stop by, answer your question and wish you a happy birthday. I really miss you, Frost. See you later."