I had such a hard time letting go for the longest time. I blamed it on the poison until I no longer could. Why? Because it was easier to blame for me not recovering than myself. Recovery is difficult. It is the hardest thing I've ever battled with in my entire life. More terrifying than any of my enemies I've fought, it's a combination of all of them at once plus more. Not only that, but they've followed me throughout. Always reminding of me of the mistakes I've made, always reminding me that I have not always been the person I should've been. I have not always been the person I've needed to be.
I shut out my friends for the longest time because I didn't want to hurt them. I was selfish in thinking isolating myself would keep them from hurting, it hurt them more not knowing if I was okay or not. I started off on the right track, I was doing well. Some struggling, but doing well. I think recovery was hardest when I was making progress, not starting it. Because when you make progress, people expect you to make more. People expect you to get back on your feet as soon as progress starts to get made. Or so I thought.
I didn't think I was making progress fast enough to please everyone. Also, in a way I didn't want to make any. I didn't want to have to go back to constantly disappointing people and I thought maybe resisting recovery would allow me to get a break. I just couldn't let it go. I wondered for the longest time why I couldn't let it go. I just wasn't ever ready to let it go, I wasn't done learning from it. I didn't know how to let it go, I was getting so use to living my life like that, that I just couldn't imagine it getting better.
I didn't think I could handle things going back to the way they use to be. I lost myself and I had forgotten my old ways, I didn't think my old self would ever be able to return. I didn't learn from it for the longest time until finally, I opened my eyes. I finally realized that my suffering had a purpose. I finally realized there was more to the suffering than the suffering itself. I stopped making excuses, stopped blaming the poison for everything. I was stopping myself from healing for the longest time. I was preventing myself from ever getting any better, and I wouldn't of if nothing in this past year had ever happened.
Now I can finally say I'm on the right track. I have a support system that is here for me. Team Avatar, I don't know what I would do without them. Without them, I would be nothing. I don't think I'd be anywhere. But because of them, I am here. I am on the right path finally, it just took a while. But the amount of time it took doesn't matter, what matters now is that I'm better. Not fully recovered, but I'm getting there. I don't know if I will ever fully recover, but as long as I have my friends by my side I think that everything will be okay.