Silencing Tears

Looking in the mirror I stared at my reflection. Staring back was a stranger, a stranger I couldn't control, someone I didn't recognise. She was dressed in knee high black boots and a short denim skirt, a low cut black top that showed a hint of her alluring red bra. A white belt was tightened just below her chest, emphasizing her curves that were already on display. The smile she had artfully painted on my face showed no sign of the person I was inside. This girl standing in the mirror looking at me was a fraud, but I needed this persona to survive. He came to my door, smiling in a way that he knew drove me crazy. My breath caught in my chest as I saw him staring at me. Long jeans and a tight fitting black top that accentuated everything he had to offer. He was amazing. I could barely take my eyes off him in the mirror, as he walked behind me and began kissing my neck. I felt weak, like I always did when he was around. I was a puppet and he the puppet master controlling my every move, my every breath and every thought.
"You look beautiful," He whispered seductively into the corner of my mouth.

Once again I stared at my reflection, forcing a smile before kissing him back. He took my hand and led me to his car, a Volvo. The stereo played Classical. His favourite style. Personally I hated Classical, it always sounded so Intimidating. Someone had once told me that the people that care about you play music to you that reflect all the things they can't say out loud, if this is true then he wanted an explanation, an explanation to a life I couldn't control.

The music muted by the cars abrupt stop and replaced with the sound of the party. It was loud, and crowded. The bass of the band seemed to vibrate through the ground, the smell of alcohol was overpowering, and the smoke started to soak into my clothes as soon as I had walked in. He grabbed my hand. I didn't know whether it was a sign of protectiveness or a warning. Either way I forced myself to look into his eyes. There was something in them that told me it was the latter of the two options. He released me and disappeared into the crowd. As I watched him go it was like we were getting lost in the intimidating, angry waves of the ocean that were threatening to take him away.
"Edward!" someone greeted him before handing him a beer, which he pretended to drink.

I forced myself to look away and search for something to drink. Almost as if Alice could read my mind, she appeared holding a bottle of tequila. Alice was Edwards' sister and she was my best friend. She took my hand and led me to the edge of the pool. We sat down and she poured me two shots before passing me a lemon. It tasted like acid and burned my throat but I swallowed every drop. I downed shot after shot erasing my thoughts with each one. When I stopped all I could see was blurry bright lights and vague outlines of partially naked bodies. Alice was no longer beside me and I assumed she had gone to relieve Jasper of all the pent up sexual frustration he would be feeling. I stood and stumbled around, falling into Jacobs lap. Jacob was the god of the grade and the dream boy of most girls. He wrapped his arm around my waist, resting his hand on my thigh, his lips met my cheek briefly before he stood me up and took me to the dance floor. It was covered with bodies dancing so closely together that in my drunken state I couldn't tell whose arms and legs were whose. We started to dance, my back was to his chest, my head on his shoulder his mouth lightly biting my neck. He ground himself into my back to the beat of Travis Barker's Soulja Boy remix. His breath was hot and smelled delicious. The smoke machine seemed to be on overdrive, I could barely see, so I closed my eyes. I could only feel his hands that gripped my hips and moved them closer to him. I could feel his pulse racing, his chest rising as it pressed against mine. His mouth moved round to the front of my neck and slowly down my chest.

I opened my eyes and gasped for air. Edward was in front of me. I hadn't seen him since the start of the party but now he was there staring at me watching me, watching Jacob on me. His eyes were on fire, Black as the night sky, he was ready to explode. I knew what was going to happen before it even did, I guess we all should have known. It was routine. Every time I got close to a guy he would come running over, he'd pull the guy off me and punch him quicker then the speed of light then yell for him to get off me.
Then as the guy, in this case Jacob felt the damage Edward's fist had done to his face, he spat back, "What's your problem man!"

An awkward silence followed. I felt like everyone was staring at me, their eyes piercing holes in my fragile body questioning why he was getting so defensive. He wasn't my boyfriend after all. He was my best friend, a friend who didn't want to watch me be used by guy after guy, at least that's what we told everyone. He'd then grab my hand and drag me to the car, I never protested. We'd speed to my place, he'd run red lights, drift around corners. I always found myself torn between gripping the seat tight enough to turn my knuckles white or undoing my seatbelt and letting it finally be over.

Before I knew it we'd be at my house, he'd be throwing open the car door and pulling me out of my seat. By the time we reached my room my wrist would have an irritated red spot but that didn't matter, not to him. He'd throw me against the wall or against the bed. Sometimes he'd yell, other times his eyes would say more than any words ever could. It was these times that it hurt the most. It was these nights that hurt the most. He'd kiss me afterwards, biting my lip hard, with enough passion to let me know he wants me, he needs me. By morning I'd be covered in bite marks, my lip would be broken open and my body would be completely numb. He'd be feigning sleep, his arms locked around me. Like Prison. I was trapped in his grasp unable to escape. It was more daunting than comforting. It was in the moments after his breathing evened out letting me know he was lost in his thoughts that silent tears would escape. Tears were the only explanation I could physically give. It was something he would never understand, something even I couldn't understand. Every now and then I could swear he had heard me. In the morning when he rolled over releasing me from his lock he'd look at me and open his mouth...perhaps he was going to tell me it's all okay. The words never came.

School days were harder. He'd disappear for most of the day, I'd see him at the start of lunch when he checked on me before disappearing until we'd meet at his car. We'd usually go back to my place where everyone else would meet us. I'd suffocate in the crowd of people who all scrambled to get his attention and like a true leader he'd give it to them.

Tanya. She was a girl I couldn't stand, yet I couldn't tell her to leave. I was trapped in my own home. Since the first night he had brought her into my world I felt the only stability I had in my life begin to crumble. She was always there, never leaving. It wasn't so much her presence that got to me, it was her constant flirting with Edward. My Edward. She was all over him and as much as I wish I was naive enough not to see it, he wanted her too.

As weeks rolled on our nightly endeavours became more scarce. My phone use to ring constantly but now was silent. The sea of people became an ocean of my thoughts. In the confides of my room I realised how little was left. He was what had kept me together through all the nights that I nearly didn't make it through.

He hadn't called me in a week. It was the longest we had gone without seeing each other or speaking. Once again I stood staring at the stranger in the mirror. A little black dress complimented by brown hooker heels. But rather then looking confident and sexy, she looked slightly more like me, scared, vulnerable and broken.

Jasper picked me up. The party was obnoxiously loud. There were more people there then I'd ever seen before. He held my hand and walked me through the crowd. I led him over to the pool and sat down. Jasper pulled out a bottle of cowboys and poured me a shot. I chose the bottle. He looked at me with pity in his eyes, a look which almost killed me. I walked over to the dance floor, concentrating on not falling. I could feel something, someone was staring at me. Jacob. He and Edward had a mutual hatred. I looked away, breaking eye contact and headed towards Alice.

"Hey pretty girl," Jacob interrupted me before i made it to Alice. He stood there holding his hand out. Out of all the girls at this party he had approached me. Part of me was flattered, part was hurt. I knew why he had chosen me but at this stage I no longer cared. I needed to feel needed, I wanted to feel wanted, and here was Jacob offering me everything and more. His eyes teased me into taking his hand. I fell into his embrace and we danced. I don't know if it was the alcohol or the party or the amount of intoxicating smoke in the air but I was on fire. I couldn't distinguish where his hands were, or where they had been. His lips tasted bitter and sweet, his breath warm and cool. I was pushed against a fence. We were in a dark corner at the back of the yard, the music was far away, and my heart was pounding. I was vaguely aware that he was undressing me. A familiar feeling was washing over me, I wasn't comfortable. I felt claustrophobic like I couldn't breathe.
"No..." I whispered half conscious. My mind was racing, my vision was blurred. I thought there were more people around me then just Jacob and I. I couldn't tell if it was only his hands touching me.
"No." I said, this time more confidently more demanding. I tried to pull my dress up but found myself pinned against the dirty wall. A tear escaped, this isn't what I want. Conflicted. That's how I felt. Hypocritic. That's what I am. I didn't want Jacob, not like this, not now, not for these reasons.
Like clockwork Edward appeared using his vampire speed.

"Get off her," Edward said his voice carrying over the bass of the music. I wanted to see what was happening but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything I was paralysed. He put his jacket around me. His thumbs wiped away the tears that were cascading down my face, i'd barely noticed them. He lifted me up and carried me to his car. It seemed so familiar and inviting. Like always we sped home. This time I wasn't scared, I wasn't torn because I had him to protect me. He dragged me through the house, leaving that irritated red mark on my wrist again. He didn't push, he didn't shove. I fell onto my bed and bit back the threatening tears. He removed his jacket from my shoulders, took off each of my boots carefully and helped me stand up. I leaned on him as I stepped out of my little black dress and then fell back onto the bed. Soon he was there on top of me. His eyes weren't on fire, there was no anger, only sadness. He kissed me softly, he was scared to hurt me. I bit back trying to let him know it's okay but he pulled away.
"I'm sorry." We both knew he wasn't apologising for Tanya, or for ignoring me, he wasn't apologising for the angry nights of passion or the dangerous car rides. It was an apology that finalised everything and nothing. One I knew would never come again. It was his goodbye to me, as a friend, as a lover, as my world. That night hurt the most, not physically but mentally and emotionally. When i woke i wasn't locked in the prison of his arms but instead the blankets surrounded me with warmth. It took the morning sunlight to bring me a moment of clarity when I realised he was apologising for not being everything I pretended he was which was everything I needed him to be.

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