Home Alone 4, Artemis Entreri Style
"What do you want?" asked Artemis.
The customer shifted uneasily. "It's not an easy job. Everyone else so far has failed."
Entreri leaned forward and nailed the customer with a weak Entreri Double-Barreled Death Glare(patent pending). The customer almost fainted. Slowly, Artemis asked, "What do you want?"
"Em, t-tha ... I wanna yata kill sommun!" the customer blurted so quickly Artemis barely understood him.
Kill someone. Everyone wanted him to kill someone. Should have known. "Who?"
"Erm, ah ah, T-the mayor! of Gringdalsnift-upon-Avon-by-Brooktown!"
Artemis held one hand out. The customer hastily dumped a sizable fortune into Entreri's hand. Artemis glanced at it. "I'll expect the other two thirds after." The customer almost looked as if he were about to protest, but Artemis casually let his dagger show as he stood up and left.
At the Mayor's house:
Artemis scrutinized the house. It was not large, but a perimeter about ten yards out fairly stewed with magical power. Anything that tried to cross would have something very, very nasty done to him, and Entreri would not be that person. Instead he walked up to the wholly unprotected gate and rang the bell, smirking.
"What may I do for you, sir?" asked the butler who looked neat and perfectly dressed, as if he ironed and starched himself along with the wash.
"The Mayor has a meeting with me, something about city defenses due to the strange goblin outbreak a few weeks ago."
"The Mayor is meeting with the Chief of Engineers. May I take a message?"
Artemis took a bit of paper out. "My card." He made as if to hand it to the butler, but instead stopped just before his hand would have touched the barrier. "YOW!" he shrieked as the barrier incinerated the paper. Entreri jumped up and down clutching his hand and cursing. "My hand! Oww!"
The butler muttered something and the barrier disappeared. "Come in and let me tend that."
"What in the Nine Hells was that?!"
The butler made soothing sounds and led Artemis in, seating him on a couch in the parlor. As he turned his back Artemis buried his dagger into the innocent butler's skull. Quickly shoving the corpse under the couch, Entreri continued upstairs.
The Children's Room
"That was so unfair! I didn't even do anything!" Charlie cried.
"I would hardly call burying two dead rats and a polecat in the laundry hamper 'nothing,' Charles," replied their governess, Anne.
"Well, I had to put them somewhere, didn't I?"
"In any case, you'll be able to play with your friends again. Now don't pout so and smile. Hmm, lets go change that shirt, shall we?"
Face twisting into a demonic grin, Charlie cried, "Yay! We can go play with Cutie Pie!"
"Um, yes, you can play with Cutie Pie. And Fluffy's come back too." The governess pitied the Mayor, stuck with brats like these. Oh, dear. Larissa had gotten into the makeup again.
As Anne went to remove Larissa's latest makeup 'thief marker,' Charlie hurriedly changed and slid down the banister, screaming at the top of his lungs, "Come on, Jason! Fluffy's back!"
Artemis was just climbing up the stairs when Charlie shot down. They collided. Newtonian physics came to play, and the assassin was flung backwards.
"Who are you?!" cried Charlie. "You don't look like the butler!"
"He had to go home. Headache." Artemis tried to brush him off, but Charlie had gotten a better look at the assassin's face.
"Hey, you're that Enterity guy aren't you?! Cool! Who are ya gonna kill, huh? Huh?"
"Everybody says that. My name is Zaknafian." Artemis again tried to brush him off.
"Ohh." Charlie's face lit up. "You're undercover aren't you?! Bet you can't get past us!"
Entreri was thoroughly annoyed. Even his best Death Glare had no effect. "Yes I can. I'm here to kill the Mayor. I don't have time for games."
"No you're not! You're gonna play assassins and guards with me!"
Artemis simply began to climb up the stairs, easily towing the limpet-like 12 year old.
"I'll let you be the assassin!"
Artemis decided to humor the little brat. "Ok, kid. I'll give you ten minutes." Plenty of time to kill the geezer and get out.
"YAY! Jason, Jason, We're gonna play Assassins and Guards with Artermiz Enterity!"
Sighing, Entreri rearranged his cloak and continued.
"BANG-BANG-BANG!!" screamed a girl, about 15 years old, who was standing at the top of the steps.
Artemis ducked and rolled automatically. Unfortunately, stairs are not built for rolling. Entreri tumbled down two steps before catching himself. He stood up, just in time to take an extremely large spray of some reddish dust. He covered his mouth and nose and continued. Dust clouds worked both ways.
Larissa grinned, then darted onto the railing and swan-dived into flower pot below.
Artemis was not in a good mood. He brushed the dust off and began searching the rooms of the second floor systematically.
In the first room a crude catapault lauched a cream pie. Artemis ducked easily.
The second room was empty as well.
A lady in the third room got a dagger hilt into her temple.
A bucket of water in the fourth was just as easily avoided.
He headed down the stairs, across the foyer, and up the staircase on the other side.
"Hey Enterity! Lookit this!" cried Charlie, lauching a buckets on a ropes.
They were simple things, a bucket of paint on a rope tied to a hook in the ceiling above the saircase. Artemis dodged left, right, left, then was forced to jump as what looked like a granite pillar rolled down, resting of both banisters.
Charlie launched the last bucket, on a short rope. Artemis planted one foot on the wall, pushed, and turned in midair, catching the rope and swinging up. "You're good, Mr. Enterity!"
Idiot. Artemis lashed out with one hand, catching the brat by the neck. Immediately his other hand came up with the jeweled dagger. "We will not play this game anymore, do you understand?"
"Nice dagger! Are those real rubies?"
Typical bubble-head. Artemis stabbed down, but a childish voice said, "You know, you'd better let go of him or I'm gonna scream real loud and Jason Baenre is gonna whup your butt real good!"
Artemis froze. "Jason Baenre?"
"Yup! His real name is Jarsona'ellatzch but we call him Jason for short. He can whup the town guards unarmed and he's gonna whup you too! That Drizzit Durben guy said Jason was kicked outta Mentoberryzin cuz he whupped a a real importint girl and Loth was mad cuz the girl prayed to Loth but the girl was mean and she tried to whip Jason and Jason got mad and he whupped the girl and the girl's momma owned the house so she tried to give Jason to Loth for whuppin'her daughter." The scrawny little brat gasped for air. "So you'd better let go or I'm gonna yell real loud and Jason is gonna whup you or maybe Drizzit Durben's gonna whup you cuz he doesn't like Jason to fight but anyways you're in for a real whuppin'."
No wonder everyone else had failed. Some drow warrior who could beat a High Priestess of Lolth and Drizzt Do'Urden were staying here. Artemis replied, "Now you go scream loudly and call this Drizzt Do'Urden or else this brat here..."
"You're not allowed to actually hurt me, Mr. Enterity. That's a bad, bad thing to do."
"Lookit here!" cried that girl, and Artemis automatically dropped Charlie, rolled to one side, and slashed at his original position. His blade caught a water balloon.
"You're mean! I'm not playing with you anymore! I'm gonna go play with Fluffy!" wailed Charlie.
"Go play with Fluffy." Artemis opened the first door. There was the mayor, sitting in a chair, holding a dagger to his own chest.
"Are you here to kill me?" asked the mayor gleefully. "Good! Now just hold this dagger and shove straight down, okay?"
Artemis was a bit shocked. "You want to die?"
"Of course! And remember, My house to my wife, my money to be divided amongst the servants, especially that governess, God bless her. And the kids are to be sent to the worst orphanage in town, okay?"
Artemis grinned. "I don't blame you. Do you have two drow here?"
"What? Not anymore. That Dripzit fellow left Jason here a few months ago. He comes occasionally with money to pay for Jason. Just a few minutes ago he left, after Charlie put dead animals in the laundry hamper."
Artemis walked over to the mayor. It would be a relief to get out of this triple-damned house. Artemis grasped the mayor's dagger. It turned into a kitchen knife.
"Charlie. He always does things like that. I don't suppose you have a weapon?"
"Daaaaaaaa-ddeeeeeeeeeee!"The door banged open, Charlie stepping in just as Artemis was about to do it. "NO! Sic him, Cutie Pie!"
Artemis sighed, and turned around slowly. With a name like that, he was expecting a poodle.
A dragon stepped through the door.
Not a large dragon, but any dragon was big trouble, especially if they were Horntail Miniatures.
Shrinking had a very interesting effect on magic. As the container became smaller, the magic became more intense. Therefore a Miniature would not have the power and abilities of a notmal sized dragon, but about 2.53 normal dragons. As Horntails had been known to create volcanoes if they snored to hard, Artemis was not in a good situation.
"$(^^* $%$&^% &^$%^$&^$ %%^$ $%#%$E $%#$ %#^%& ^#&^%$%# $%W #@&%$( @#&^^$#& ^%$RUIF ^%#$%& ^^#%!!!" Artemis leapt out the window and charged away.
"Get'im Fluffy!" cried Charlie, rooting his Mountain Troll on.
"Son, we have to talk. When an assassin is about to kill me, one does not barge in and ruin things!"
And so, Charlie got the tanning of his life, for saving his father from certain death.
Artemis Entreri however, also had a bit of explaining to do.
Jarlaxle's Office
"And why is it that you were gone for nearly two days?" asked Jarlaxle.
"I was hired to kill someone."
"And?"
"The kid is a menace!"
Jarlaxle suddenly realized that he should have stayed in bed. "Kid? A kid stopped you, Artemis Entreri, the greatest assassin in the Surface?"
Artemis could not stand it any longer. "He sicc'ed Fluffy and Cutie Pie on me!"
The moment the words left his mouth Artemis realized something. That most certainly was not the correct comment.
Fortunately Jarlaxle, or anyone else in the room, was in no condition to do anything but gasp weakly for air.
Author's Note: Yes, that was stupid, yes, this is probably the worst story you've ever read, but please review anyway! And try to keep flame reviews down to 300 lines.
"What do you want?" asked Artemis.
The customer shifted uneasily. "It's not an easy job. Everyone else so far has failed."
Entreri leaned forward and nailed the customer with a weak Entreri Double-Barreled Death Glare(patent pending). The customer almost fainted. Slowly, Artemis asked, "What do you want?"
"Em, t-tha ... I wanna yata kill sommun!" the customer blurted so quickly Artemis barely understood him.
Kill someone. Everyone wanted him to kill someone. Should have known. "Who?"
"Erm, ah ah, T-the mayor! of Gringdalsnift-upon-Avon-by-Brooktown!"
Artemis held one hand out. The customer hastily dumped a sizable fortune into Entreri's hand. Artemis glanced at it. "I'll expect the other two thirds after." The customer almost looked as if he were about to protest, but Artemis casually let his dagger show as he stood up and left.
At the Mayor's house:
Artemis scrutinized the house. It was not large, but a perimeter about ten yards out fairly stewed with magical power. Anything that tried to cross would have something very, very nasty done to him, and Entreri would not be that person. Instead he walked up to the wholly unprotected gate and rang the bell, smirking.
"What may I do for you, sir?" asked the butler who looked neat and perfectly dressed, as if he ironed and starched himself along with the wash.
"The Mayor has a meeting with me, something about city defenses due to the strange goblin outbreak a few weeks ago."
"The Mayor is meeting with the Chief of Engineers. May I take a message?"
Artemis took a bit of paper out. "My card." He made as if to hand it to the butler, but instead stopped just before his hand would have touched the barrier. "YOW!" he shrieked as the barrier incinerated the paper. Entreri jumped up and down clutching his hand and cursing. "My hand! Oww!"
The butler muttered something and the barrier disappeared. "Come in and let me tend that."
"What in the Nine Hells was that?!"
The butler made soothing sounds and led Artemis in, seating him on a couch in the parlor. As he turned his back Artemis buried his dagger into the innocent butler's skull. Quickly shoving the corpse under the couch, Entreri continued upstairs.
The Children's Room
"That was so unfair! I didn't even do anything!" Charlie cried.
"I would hardly call burying two dead rats and a polecat in the laundry hamper 'nothing,' Charles," replied their governess, Anne.
"Well, I had to put them somewhere, didn't I?"
"In any case, you'll be able to play with your friends again. Now don't pout so and smile. Hmm, lets go change that shirt, shall we?"
Face twisting into a demonic grin, Charlie cried, "Yay! We can go play with Cutie Pie!"
"Um, yes, you can play with Cutie Pie. And Fluffy's come back too." The governess pitied the Mayor, stuck with brats like these. Oh, dear. Larissa had gotten into the makeup again.
As Anne went to remove Larissa's latest makeup 'thief marker,' Charlie hurriedly changed and slid down the banister, screaming at the top of his lungs, "Come on, Jason! Fluffy's back!"
Artemis was just climbing up the stairs when Charlie shot down. They collided. Newtonian physics came to play, and the assassin was flung backwards.
"Who are you?!" cried Charlie. "You don't look like the butler!"
"He had to go home. Headache." Artemis tried to brush him off, but Charlie had gotten a better look at the assassin's face.
"Hey, you're that Enterity guy aren't you?! Cool! Who are ya gonna kill, huh? Huh?"
"Everybody says that. My name is Zaknafian." Artemis again tried to brush him off.
"Ohh." Charlie's face lit up. "You're undercover aren't you?! Bet you can't get past us!"
Entreri was thoroughly annoyed. Even his best Death Glare had no effect. "Yes I can. I'm here to kill the Mayor. I don't have time for games."
"No you're not! You're gonna play assassins and guards with me!"
Artemis simply began to climb up the stairs, easily towing the limpet-like 12 year old.
"I'll let you be the assassin!"
Artemis decided to humor the little brat. "Ok, kid. I'll give you ten minutes." Plenty of time to kill the geezer and get out.
"YAY! Jason, Jason, We're gonna play Assassins and Guards with Artermiz Enterity!"
Sighing, Entreri rearranged his cloak and continued.
"BANG-BANG-BANG!!" screamed a girl, about 15 years old, who was standing at the top of the steps.
Artemis ducked and rolled automatically. Unfortunately, stairs are not built for rolling. Entreri tumbled down two steps before catching himself. He stood up, just in time to take an extremely large spray of some reddish dust. He covered his mouth and nose and continued. Dust clouds worked both ways.
Larissa grinned, then darted onto the railing and swan-dived into flower pot below.
Artemis was not in a good mood. He brushed the dust off and began searching the rooms of the second floor systematically.
In the first room a crude catapault lauched a cream pie. Artemis ducked easily.
The second room was empty as well.
A lady in the third room got a dagger hilt into her temple.
A bucket of water in the fourth was just as easily avoided.
He headed down the stairs, across the foyer, and up the staircase on the other side.
"Hey Enterity! Lookit this!" cried Charlie, lauching a buckets on a ropes.
They were simple things, a bucket of paint on a rope tied to a hook in the ceiling above the saircase. Artemis dodged left, right, left, then was forced to jump as what looked like a granite pillar rolled down, resting of both banisters.
Charlie launched the last bucket, on a short rope. Artemis planted one foot on the wall, pushed, and turned in midair, catching the rope and swinging up. "You're good, Mr. Enterity!"
Idiot. Artemis lashed out with one hand, catching the brat by the neck. Immediately his other hand came up with the jeweled dagger. "We will not play this game anymore, do you understand?"
"Nice dagger! Are those real rubies?"
Typical bubble-head. Artemis stabbed down, but a childish voice said, "You know, you'd better let go of him or I'm gonna scream real loud and Jason Baenre is gonna whup your butt real good!"
Artemis froze. "Jason Baenre?"
"Yup! His real name is Jarsona'ellatzch but we call him Jason for short. He can whup the town guards unarmed and he's gonna whup you too! That Drizzit Durben guy said Jason was kicked outta Mentoberryzin cuz he whupped a a real importint girl and Loth was mad cuz the girl prayed to Loth but the girl was mean and she tried to whip Jason and Jason got mad and he whupped the girl and the girl's momma owned the house so she tried to give Jason to Loth for whuppin'her daughter." The scrawny little brat gasped for air. "So you'd better let go or I'm gonna yell real loud and Jason is gonna whup you or maybe Drizzit Durben's gonna whup you cuz he doesn't like Jason to fight but anyways you're in for a real whuppin'."
No wonder everyone else had failed. Some drow warrior who could beat a High Priestess of Lolth and Drizzt Do'Urden were staying here. Artemis replied, "Now you go scream loudly and call this Drizzt Do'Urden or else this brat here..."
"You're not allowed to actually hurt me, Mr. Enterity. That's a bad, bad thing to do."
"Lookit here!" cried that girl, and Artemis automatically dropped Charlie, rolled to one side, and slashed at his original position. His blade caught a water balloon.
"You're mean! I'm not playing with you anymore! I'm gonna go play with Fluffy!" wailed Charlie.
"Go play with Fluffy." Artemis opened the first door. There was the mayor, sitting in a chair, holding a dagger to his own chest.
"Are you here to kill me?" asked the mayor gleefully. "Good! Now just hold this dagger and shove straight down, okay?"
Artemis was a bit shocked. "You want to die?"
"Of course! And remember, My house to my wife, my money to be divided amongst the servants, especially that governess, God bless her. And the kids are to be sent to the worst orphanage in town, okay?"
Artemis grinned. "I don't blame you. Do you have two drow here?"
"What? Not anymore. That Dripzit fellow left Jason here a few months ago. He comes occasionally with money to pay for Jason. Just a few minutes ago he left, after Charlie put dead animals in the laundry hamper."
Artemis walked over to the mayor. It would be a relief to get out of this triple-damned house. Artemis grasped the mayor's dagger. It turned into a kitchen knife.
"Charlie. He always does things like that. I don't suppose you have a weapon?"
"Daaaaaaaa-ddeeeeeeeeeee!"The door banged open, Charlie stepping in just as Artemis was about to do it. "NO! Sic him, Cutie Pie!"
Artemis sighed, and turned around slowly. With a name like that, he was expecting a poodle.
A dragon stepped through the door.
Not a large dragon, but any dragon was big trouble, especially if they were Horntail Miniatures.
Shrinking had a very interesting effect on magic. As the container became smaller, the magic became more intense. Therefore a Miniature would not have the power and abilities of a notmal sized dragon, but about 2.53 normal dragons. As Horntails had been known to create volcanoes if they snored to hard, Artemis was not in a good situation.
"$(^^* $%$&^% &^$%^$&^$ %%^$ $%#%$E $%#$ %#^%& ^#&^%$%# $%W #@&%$( @#&^^$#& ^%$RUIF ^%#$%& ^^#%!!!" Artemis leapt out the window and charged away.
"Get'im Fluffy!" cried Charlie, rooting his Mountain Troll on.
"Son, we have to talk. When an assassin is about to kill me, one does not barge in and ruin things!"
And so, Charlie got the tanning of his life, for saving his father from certain death.
Artemis Entreri however, also had a bit of explaining to do.
Jarlaxle's Office
"And why is it that you were gone for nearly two days?" asked Jarlaxle.
"I was hired to kill someone."
"And?"
"The kid is a menace!"
Jarlaxle suddenly realized that he should have stayed in bed. "Kid? A kid stopped you, Artemis Entreri, the greatest assassin in the Surface?"
Artemis could not stand it any longer. "He sicc'ed Fluffy and Cutie Pie on me!"
The moment the words left his mouth Artemis realized something. That most certainly was not the correct comment.
Fortunately Jarlaxle, or anyone else in the room, was in no condition to do anything but gasp weakly for air.
Author's Note: Yes, that was stupid, yes, this is probably the worst story you've ever read, but please review anyway! And try to keep flame reviews down to 300 lines.