DELICATE

Summary: A forceful onset of what if's opens up for a maelstrom of uninvited emotions, fearful confrontations and stunning realizations for a certain set of partners. Multi-chaptered. K/D. Please note the change of title.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Author's Note: First venture into this fandom. AU story set somewhere around season 4. As I said, haven't written anything for years and never for this show so I would love to her your thoughts. Titled and a little bit inspired by Damien Rice's Delicate.

CHAPTER 1

Love, with little hands,

Comes and touches you

With a thousand memories,

And asks you

Beautiful, unanswerable questions.

- Carl Sandburg

It was Monday morning and Kensi walked into OSP with heavy steps, already feeling exhausted even if the day hadn't even started yet. Plus it was a Monday, after a whole weekend off. Yet, she could barely bring herself to walk the short distance from the parking lot to her desk. As she turned the corner into the bullpen, her heart sank even further, upon seeing her partner already at his desk. What had she expected anyway? He worked here too… She steeled herself and offered a short greeting and started to unpack her stuff with an exaggerated amount of concentration. To her relief, Sam and Callen's voices came floating down the hall and a moment later they joined the junior partners in the bullpen, efficiently and unconsciously breaking the tension that was beginning to grow in the heavy silence.

"Hey guys, how was your weekend?" Callen asked while booting up his laptop and Kensi hate him a little bit for asking. Sam told them briefly about weekend with his kids, not going into detail since Callen himself had joined the Hanna family for their Sunday BBQ. Callen instead turned his attention to Deeks and Kensi briefly closed her eyes, bracing herself for his answer.

"Yeah, it was great. Went to the beach on Saturday with Emily, did some surfing. Then she forced me to go for brunch and shopping on Sunday," he complained but anyone could tell he didn't really mind.

Emily…

The so far faceless but oh so frequently present woman in Deeks' life. For the past three months, all his non work related anecdotes had involved a certain lawyer and old acquaintance of Deeks' from law school. When he'd told them about running into her on his morning coffee run and asking her to dinner, none of them, least of all Kensi had expected to hear the woman's name more than once maybe twice, but God knows they had since, and it didn't take long before Deeks started coming into the office without both coffee and pastries for his partner since he started having breakfast with Emily instead of picking it up on his way to work.

"Kens? Kensi?" She startled slightly as Callen's voice pulled her back to the present and she noticed three pairs of eyes directed towards her.

"Uhm.. Oh, yeah right- good. It was good. Saw my mom yesterday so… yeah.." she trailed off, leaving out the part about her mother being the one who had come over on Sunday afternoon after trying to reach her daughter since Friday morning but with no success. Kensi had opened the door to her mother late Sunday afternoon. Two minutes later, Julia had coaxed the truth her daughter; the reason for sulking in her apartment on a beautiful and rare Sunday off. Her mother had been surprisingly understanding and actually lifted her spirits slightly. But now, upon hearing about Deeks' lazy weekend with his new and apparently rather serious girlfriend… Well, hello again, rock bottom.

Fortunately, Eric came bounding down the stairs, demanding them up in OPS for another brief.

Thankfully, they had a busy day and the topic of their weekend happenings didn't come up again. Between the crime scene, the victim's family and initial questioning of witnesses, Kensi's day didn't turn out too painful. Catching her partner smile goofily at his phone, most certainly reading yet another text message from Emily, was something she's gotten used to by now. But every time, a dull ache spread in the pit of her stomach and she ashamedly admitted to herself that the burning feeling in her veins was nothing but petty jealousy.

She was pretty good at hiding it though. She could at least pull off genuine smiles at his jokes and she had even found herself feigning interest in his girlfriend and her life. Even if all she was actually interested in was seeing the other woman disappear from Deeks' life. She was slightly ashamed of this too. He deserved to be happy. More than anyone. Yet, Kensi couldn't seem to stop trying to convince herself that this was still very new.

Meaning it could end just as quickly as it began.

Things would soon go back to normal, she told herself for the hundredth time that night as Deeks once again hurried out of OSP, obviously to meet Emily. Probably at that new, fancy sushi place they seemed to favor. Even Deeks, her former partner-in-greasy-takeout-crime.

As Kensi discreetly watched her partner walk down the hall, she realized that they haven't had dinner together in almost four months…

But as the days turned into weeks that turned into more months of no Yummy Yummy Heart Attack, no morning lattes and doughnuts, no late night movie marathons, no Saturday morning runs, a real fear started to settle in. It had been almost six months and there was no doubt anymore that Deeks was serious about this woman. Like, really serious. As in "telling her what he really does for a living"-serious. And it scared the shit out of Kensi.

Every time the other woman's name was mentioned, coupled with that open, happy look on Deeks' face, Kensi just wanted to scream. Throw things. Slap him. Kiss him. Anything. But she couldn't. Because she would never do that to him… And maybe also because this was a teeny tiny bit entirely her own fault.

She was the one who got too comfortable with keep their thing unattended, believing it was invincible and that Deeks would always be there, following her anywhere without her even asking. Selfish, she realized now, but it was always easy to be reasonable in retrospect. He'd always flirted rather shamelessly with her, and always with a constant undertone of something more. Something real, serious, scary and potentially wonderful. But fear had won over her (as it always did) and look what happened...

At least no one on their team seemed to have noticed. Or maybe that was because people were still getting used to the thought of Deeks actually settling down with someone. Someone that wasn't Kensi. Sam and Callen were skeptical in the beginning but that had since long passed. They now seemed genuinely interested in the woman, asking Deeks about her and her job.

"Kens? Kensi, you hear me?" Callen interrupted her thoughts and waved his hands to catch her attention.

"Oh, ehm, sorry. You were saying?" she recovered, insanely grateful for the fact that her team couldn't read her mind.

"Deeks says Emily gets off early today, so I suggested we all go out for drinks. It's about time we get to meet this girl," he said, turning to Deeks. "See if she actually exists" he added teasingly. Deeks just laughed, taking the jab with humor.

"Sure. That sounds great. It's showtime, partner," she managed, but avoiding to look any of them in the eye.

Truth was she suspected that if she had looked at Deeks, he would have seen right through her carefully crafted facade. Because even if verbal communication had never been their thing, it was more often than not been replaced by their ability to communicate without words. With a simple look. And she knew if he looked at her now, he would read every single thought in her eyes. The pain. The jealousy. The regret. The fear. Their thing… Or what was left of it.

"Uhm, excuse me…" she muttered and stood abruptly from her desk, cursing herself for making a suspicious exit. But the burning feeling was simply too overwhelming, the weight in her chest too heavy, making it hard to breathe.

Because it suddenly hit her… This was really happening. This was not something that would go away anytime soon… it was not a phase. This could actually be how it all would end. And she had never even considered the fact that she might be losing Deeks like this. To another woman. A bullet, yes. Maybe an explosion, a beating, a fall, anything work related really.

But she had been naive enough to think no one could stand a chance against her, against their thing. Not for real. But the past six months had been daily proof of how she could lose him in a whole different way, even if she chose not to take him, simply because she believed they were safe anyway. That there would be no losing if she didn't really have him.

She walked with quick strides down the hall towards the firing range. She forcefully pushed the door open, slamming it against the wall and the metallic clink echoing, but not drowning out the loud thoughts roaring through her head.

As soon as her target was in place, she grabbed her gun and fired. The loud bang of each bullet ripping from her Sig was comforting. Their thing was coming to an end. Their partnership may still be intact but it was changing. Changing into something hollow, non-progressive. Dead. With no potential of eventually morphing into something more.

She fired another shot, hitting the target right above the heart and she could practically feel the impact of the bullet in her own chest.

Dammit, it hurt. So fucking much.

She wakes with a start and a good few minutes pass before so manages to collect her thoughts. Her heart is slamming against her ribcage and the weight settled on her chest doesn't seem to lift anytime soon. She swallows thickly and starts to mentally gather up the remnants of the dream. More like a nightmare, she thinks bitterly, almost a little embarrassed.

Pounding heart, shallow breathing and sweaty forehead… As if it had been a real nightmare. One of those containing explosions, guns, torture or her bleeding partner just slightly out of her reach. Of long, cold hospital corridors with only a badge and a watch keeping her company. Of speeding cars, lasers and bad guys with guns, knives or clenched fists.

But there was none of that threatening her this time.

Just a rather mundane dream starring a woman conjured up by her own imagination. There were still donuts, morning coffees, weekend runs, beach trips and movie marathons.

With a embarrassingly shaky finger, Kensi punches her phone to learn there is still plenty of time to catch up on some sleep. Rubbing a hand across her face, she sighs and slips out of bed anyway.

Making her way towards the kitchen, she comes to halt halfway through her living room. Messy, as usual. But tonight the sight of the mess calms her and some the chaos inside her head fades, upon seeing the pile of clothes beside her couch, the collection of beer bottles and empty takeout containers on the coffee table and the pillow arranged to comfortably support to two people against each armrest. All of this evidence of yet another Sunday at the beach turned dinner and movie night.

With her heart rate back to normal, Kensi quickly grabs a bottle of water before returning to bed. The dream is slowly being pushed to the back of her memory as reality barges in and she starts to call the events of the past 24 hours back to the forefront.

They'd had their Sunday off. Being picked up by her partner and his furry companion. Stopping for coffee, sandwiches and of course, pastries, on the way to one of Deeks' favorite surf spots. Lounging by the shore, tossing a ball to Monty as Deeks maneuvered his board across the waves. Leaving as the sun started to set, picking up some thai food and returning to her place before ending the day on opposite sides of the couch, legs tangled together in the middle topped off by a sleeping Monty. Around midnight her boys (because they sort of were) had left, both yawning in a very adorable synchronized way.

Yeah. The type of day that always felt well spent. The type of day that was more like an unspoken tradition which she can't fathom have taken away from her.

And even if sleep slowly starts to creep back in, one single sentence still keeps repeating itself inside her head, even if the possibility of it turning into reality is still slightly too big to feel entirely comfortable with.

"It was just a dream…"

"Nothing happens unless first a dream" - Carl Sandburg