She spent the spare minutes of her day hiding. Mostly in the bathroom but wherever she could really. Sometimes in the break room, the hall when it was empty, even a few minutes in an interrogation room although it didn't feel all that empty with the mirrored glass mocking her. No one was behind it but it still felt like there was and it drove her out of the room after only a minute.
Ryan and Esposito had been shooting her kind looks that were only thinly veiling concern for the last few hours. When Ryan suggested they call it a night even though it was still so early she had a feeling that they would stay at least a few more hours themselves. She pretended like she didn't know that and took the stairs two at a time to get out of the building.
She didn't have to be alone she just had to be somewhere she wasn't known. Where no one could look at her and know how imminent it was that she was going to shatter. It had been with her all day. Panic. It was in her body possessing her like an alien. Somehow she was still in control of her mind, knew that she was losing it. She knew she was being irrational, but it was in her skin and she couldn't scratch it out.
Fear sharp as metal threading like screws through her soft tissue. Kate didn't know how to get it out of her skin. She would take a knife to it or buff it out with steel wool but her still ever logical brain knew that she was taking the metaphor too far. But if that wouldn't work then what will?
/
She walks through the park without ever seeing it. She doesn't know what path she takes or what entrance it is she came in but somehow she is out of the park once more and standing in the bright twinkling lights of Columbus Circle. Kate stands like a boulder in the middle of a rushing river at the crosswalk. People swim past her in their flow never noticing the immovable presence. Walk. Don't walk. Walk. Don't walk.
She gets in the cab that stops for her at the curb despite not needing or really wanting it.
"Where to?"
She has no idea.
/
Castle trips over her when he leaves to go to the store. He doesn't see the body slumped next to his door, folded into a U with just feet sticking out.
"Kate?"
/
His knees crackle when he squats next to her.
"How long have you been out here? Why didn't you knock?"
The words, some words anyway, are in her mouth but she can't seem to get them out. He picks her up by the shoulders and pushes her inside. Somewhere, even in her haze she is able to register that the loft is almost completely dark. She's never seen it like that before with not even one single ambient light. The only illumination is coming from the study. Warm light passing through glass walls making the books that line them look like they are floating in golden air.
They don't even make to the study before she turns and places an open mouth somewhere on his face, she's not sure where. She pulls back to see it was just under his eye. He doesn't move, doesn't blink.
"Help me, Castle."
"I don't –"
She has no idea what she is doing but for the first time today she can take a deep breath and it not burn in her lungs. If being with him will make her feel better then so be it. It is so much better than steel wool anyway.
She doesn't have to ask again he must see it. He covers her with himself, open mouth and splaying hands.
The metal threads of panic melt under the heat of his touch. The fear pours out of her. She wonders momentarily if she is pouring it all into him, for it to consume his own body. She can't help herself though if that is the case.
He has taken up everything about her anyway; her mother's case, her pain, her fear and now, finally, her body.