"Bell's gonna be there," Octavia glanced in the rearview mirror before easing into the turn lane, "So, you guys can talk through whatever this bullshit is. Okay?"
Clarke rolled her eyes from the backseat as she swept on another layer of mascara. Closing her compact, she turned her head towards Raven on the passenger side before speaking, "Good? Or am I missing something?" Her curls bounced as she pursed her lips and bobbled her head, an almost laugh barely escaping her lips.
"Throw on a coat of Nyx – you'll be kosher. Use the lingerie shit – so smooth," Raven hardly looked at her before throwing a glance to O, "Seriously though Clarke, I know whatever happened with Her –" Clarke could hear the capitalization in her friends voice and a twinge crossed over her face before she could stop it –"is not something you want to talk about, but if anyone is going to understand it's Big Blake. He's officially replaced me as your best friend, not bitter, and you guys have been super weird the last couple weeks. Just – talk to him or something tonight. Dance, whatever," Raven looked back at Clarke, a huge grin consuming her face, "Tonight is about forgetting the She-Bitch for a while. Have fun."
Clarke let out her first genuine laugh in ages at her friend, and Octavia's whoop echoed through the car before Clarke reached over the armrest, "Fine, fine. Fun! But first, this is my jam!"
And suddenly the conversation was silenced with the pulsating and overwhelming noise from the speakers as the girls pulled into the parking garage near their dive of choice. As soon as the song was over, the trio hoisted themselves out of Octavia's two door beater and started walking along the uneven sidewalk, "So –" O's voice broke through the sudden quiet – "Which side do you think the boys are waiting on? Karaoke or Throwback?"
Raven cocked her head to the side as she thought, "Well if Jasper showed up they're definitely already at Throwback – that boy does not miss his chance to jump on the dancefloor."
"BUT!" Clarke pounced on the tail of her friend's thought, "Depending on his pre-gaming he could be drunk enough that all he wants is to wail to Adele… so… it's a toss-up."
The three girls looked at each other before O burst into giggles, running for the side door of the dual club, Clarke and Raven chasing behind her. The bouncer at the door turned, exasperated until he caught sight of Octavia's face barreling towards him, "Hey babe."
Octavia threw her arms around her boyfriend's neck, her tall heels barely allowing event that, and looked at Clarke and Raven before pulling him down into a kiss. Clarke rolled her eyes, fake gagging, as Raven trilled in a loud imitation of a wolf whistle, the two girls used to the third's antics ever since she began dating the well-muscled bouncer.
Suddenly, the sight of the happy, obviously in-love, couple in front of her made Clarke actually feel like vomiting, "Ugh – come on O! Let the poor man do his job," She honestly hoped the smile on her face hid the overwhelming disgust in her mind. Stalking past her friend, letting Raven help O unwind herself from her boyfriend, Clarke paused at the doorways on either side of the hallway. The pulsating lights from the Throwback side weaved and danced to the music – the party was already starting – and the relative silence from the much smaller, more dive-like, karaoke side of the bar seemed like a safe haven to her ears. Letting her Converse clad feet carry her to the quiet safety of the karaoke portion, Clarke stalked towards the bartender/K-J.
"Sup Blondie?! Whiskey-coke and My Medicine, right?" Hannah's eyes smiled as she picked up the remote, keying in a few numbers while another bartender slid a drink in front of Clarke. A half smile dashed across her face before pulling her card out of her phone – sliding it to the bartender.
"Keep it open, thanks guys!" Clarke grabbed the drink and turned towards the long row of tables across from the bar. Looking back towards the door, she saw Octavia and Raven amble in arm-in-arm before they turned, laughing, and went through the small crowd of people to the dancefloor on the other side of the bar. When she finally turned to look away, she saw him sitting at the corner table. He was surrounded by half empty bottles, and cups, looking vacantly out into the bar – his own glass halfway to his lips. Before Clarke realized it, she felt herself sliding along the vinyl, scooting right up next to the dark haired boy.
"Howdy, stranger."
The music blared around them as her companion's face snapped towards her, the slight smile that came to his face at the sight of her was quickly wiped away as he turned back to his drink, "I thought we weren't speaking."
Clarke, at least, had the presence of mind to look ashamed before she opened her mouth, "I've been told that I'm an idiot, you'll understand, and that we need to work out our bullshit so…" she trailed off and took a sip of her drink, eyeing him from the corner of her eyes.
"O got to you I see. I got the talk before I left for the work site this morning, and I quote, 'What the actual fuck is going on between you bitches? This is beyond even you two's bullshit," Bellamy looked at her briefly before looking back to his cup, and Clarke internally winced at his avoidance, "I know we – I know that we decided not to talk about it, or tell anyone –"
"It was a mistake Bell – we were just –" Clarke felt her voice trail off. The pair was quiet in the din of the bar – careful, knowing they could be interrupted anytime.
"There you are!"
Clarke's head snapped up at the intrusion – and she felt something wrap around her heart before clenching, "Oh, hey Gina – I didn't know you were coming tonight."
Bellamy slid a couple inches away from the blonde next to him, somehow in their brief moments of conversation they'd gotten so close they were pressed against one another, before standing wrapping an arm around his girlfriend's waist.
"How was dancing?" Clarke's heart shuddered again as she saw him lean in, smiling widely, pulling her to his chest. She had to look away from the pair, laughing together, as their words turned into static in her mind.
All she could hear was the way her name had sounded on his lips that night, and suddenly all she could see was the way he looked in the moonlight as she released him from her lips, kissing her way up his torso before he pulled her down to his lips, his fingers bruising on her hips. That night, weeks ago now, was burned into her – and a small part of her saw the pair in front of her for the lie it was, and another wanted to keep the secret between them. Keep him for herself. It was confusing, and nauseating. Watching as Gina leaned in to kiss Bellamy quickly on the lips jolted Clarke out of her reverie.
"Well – if someone's here to keep this asshole company –" the blonde heard how stilted her voice sounded, painful to her own ears –"I'm going to find the girls out on the dance floor!"
Throwing back the rest of her whiskey, Clarke stomped towards the bar. The black sequins on her short dress picking up the low light of the bar around her, reflecting the Sharpie designs from her shoes in the light, "Hannah!"
Quickly, the blue-haired bartender leaned over behind the counter, "What's up Sugarplum?"
"Jager shot, two please," Clarke's voice was more curt than she intended and she winced at the woman's raised eyebrow, "Sorry, just, I need some liquid courage before going to find everyone else."
Hannah's ponytail swayed as she sharply turned, pouring the cold achohol into one glass, looking past Clarke as she shifted the bottle to the second. Nodding her head in the direction of the table she'd just vacated, "I'm assuming that love-fest is what's bringing this on?"
Clarke grimaced before knocking the first shot, her face scrunching with the sharp licorice flavour, and slight gasp escaping her before toughening up and taking her second shot, "Honestly Hannah – you don't even know the half of it." She heard Hannah's chortle as Clarke tapped her hand against the bar before turning and weaving towards the pulsing sounds of Throwback where she knew Bellamy wouldn't follow her. The man hated clubs and dancing in general – it's why he was always the designated table sitter – he much rather preferred to relax, watch, and listen to the chaos around him than to jump in and experience it.
Squinting in the sudden dark of the club, wincing whenever a streak of neon would pass over her face, Clarke searched to her right for the writhing bodies of her friends she knew would be on the flashing lights of the raised dance floor. Finally spotting her targets, she stepped up on the white of the floor and began squeezing her way through the crowd.
"Clarkey!-" Jasper's wild voice boomed over the sound coming from the speakers, "You're finally here!" She felt her laugh reverberate through her as her bouncing friend came to her and threw his arm over her shoulder. "Look everyone!"
The glazed looks on Monty and Harper's faces beamed at her as they crowded around her, Octavia and Raven lost in the music as they danced together, and suddenly she felt herself drawn into their group. The six of them swaying and grinding in time to the electronica beat in the air. And suddenly nothing else was important.
.o.o.
The night continued on, much as it began – every few songs one of them would venture off to grab a drink and cool down on the karaoke side of the bar, or would venture off to the bathrooms, when Clarke, finally, saw her name pop up in the queue on the television screen above the bar tucked against the far wall. Knowing it was now or never – if she wasn't on the karaoke side of the bar when her name was called, her song would be skipped and she'd forfeit the right to karaoke for the rest of the night, she pulled away from her friends, "Gotta go guys, I'm up!"
Clarke smiled as the group groaned but let her dash away, stepping slowly down the step before stumbling through the crowd blocking the doorway into the hall between the two bars'. Finally free of the stifling stale air of Throwback, she straightened her skirt before stepping into the karaoke lounge, the cool air washed over her face. Steeling her face with a grin, she ambled towards the bar, sending the bartender a wink and a smile as another whiskey-coke was placed in front of her. Smiling softly, she picked up her drink and headed off to their table. Propping herself on one of the stools on the outer corner, she set her drink down, listening in to their conversation – her heartrate slowly calming as she listened to their conversation.
"And that's when, oh God Bell your face, at the lake we had this beach front campsite – and the entire office was here for this picnic, and Bellamy just pulls up, throws his car in park and strolls out in just his swim trunks and flip flops, his beach towel thrown over his shoulders. He gets over to the group – stops dead in his tracks – before coming right up to me throwing a kiss on my cheek and proclaiming to everyone, who – might I add were all staring at him, 'Who wants to take a dip," Gina's laughter pealed as Bellamy looked at her fondly. Octavia was giggling, the alcohol in her system coating her voice as she leaned against Jasper's shoulder. Something in Clarke stopped, the story sounded strange, but she kept quiet, listening as Gina continued, "Everyone was just shocked – here we were for a company party and Bell got all of us office types to loosen up and get down to our skivvies to go swimming in a lake! But that's my little beach-bunny. On the trip home we talked about how much he just loved the beach – about how he just couldn't pass up the opportunity to jump in!"
Bellamy's quiet chuckle vibrated through Clarke from across the table, "You know me, I love the sand beneath my feet."
Gina nuzzled into Bellamy's shoulder, his arm wrapped tightly around her, as Clarke finally placed the odd feeling in her gut.
The fucking liar.
Clarke specifically remembered in college pre-Lexa but post-Finn debacle, when Octavia had dragged her, Raven, Bellamy and Miller out lakeside to relax before finals started. Bellamy – freshly graduated – griped the entire time about the bacteria in the lake water, and the danger the sand posed to your feet. He'd refused to get even close to the water, "And you wouldn't either if you didn't want to end up with some sort of botulism."
Bellamy Blake hated the beach.
Clarke scoffed as she heard Hannah call her name, sometime in the last couple minutes, when she'd been lost in her mind, everyone had ventured over from Throwback to hear her butcher one of her favorite songs.
"Alright Clarke! Why don't you give us some of that lovely, lovely voice," Hannah's voice boomed over the sound system as she handed a mic to Clarke across the bar. Hearing the opening taps to the song, Clarke let herself go and lose herself in the music. Karaoke had always been a guilty pleasure of hers. A way to force herself to be social – when most of the time she'd much rather lock herself in her apartment and never leave. And now it was a way to avoid drinking as much when they went out. The group always seemed to go to the same bars, this one was a particular favorite because it had something for everyone, and if she signed up for karaoke, Clarke was much more likely to keep an eye on her drinking. No one wanted to sound like a drunken fool in front of the entire bar.
As her song played out, she handed the mic back to Hannah, who threw her a wink and slid her another whiskey, "Great job lady!" A soft smile on her lips, Clarke turned back to her group, giving them a small curtsey at their raucous wolf whistles and applause.
"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week," She laughed as she joked with her friends, her smile widening as she sat down. Taking a sip from her drink, Clarke looked around the table. Jasper and Octavia were leaning heavily against each other, obviously tired and wearing down for the night, Raven was finishing the beer in front of her, already gearing up to head back over to the dance floor, Monty and Harper were wrapped up in each other – Harper whispering into Monty's ear something which made him flush red in the dark – and Bellamy and Gina were sitting closely, laughing with her. Quickly, her laughter faded as she remembered Gina' s story before her song began.
Sure, it was normal to take an interest in your significant others interests, but there had to be a line in the proverbial sand, sand which she knew Bellamy wanted nothing to do with. Clarke looked over at the couple, Gina gazing up at Bellamy, as the man in question locked eyes with her. She smirked, taking a long drink of her liquor, before she spoke, "Alright, I'm heading back to the dance floor, who's in?"
Looks passed through the group before Raven stood and stepped behind her shoulder, "I'm always in to work up a sweat, which of you assholes are quitters? "
A pause flirted through the group before Monty spoke, "It's time for Harper and I to get out of here, which means you too Jasper," the boy in question groaned as he lifted his head from on top of Octavia's, "Unless you want to find your own way home?" The Asian boy's arched eyebrow left no room for argument as his gangly friend simply nodded in response. The three rose from the vinyl booth and scooted past Raven and Clarke to cash out, saying their goodbyes.
"Honestly, I think I'm out too," Octavia's voice was light as she spoke against the drunken ramblings of whomever was singing karaoke now, "I think I had too many shots from the shot girl. I'll just catch an Uber for my car in the morning."
"Don't worry about it – "Gina's voice cut through the air clearly – "I've got a late meeting tomorrow, so if you want to crash at our place, me or your brother can bring you back tomorrow," the smile on her face was genuine, the care in her voice obvious as she turned back to Bellamy, "What about you babe, are you going to stay?"
Bellamy's eyes were locked on Clarke and Raven as he spoke, "Someone's got to make sure these two don't make total asses of themselves," Ravens laugh tinkled like crystal against Clarke's shoulder, as the girl shook her head in response and Bellamy's eyes crinkled with a small smile.
It was a joke, a small hint of camaraderie between them, but it grated against Clarke's nerves. What right did he have to push her buttons now? Not when all it would take was a few words, and she could bring down whatever house of cards he had built for himself. But, whatever the case, she forced a small smile to stretch across her face as she finished her drink, "Alright then, let's get back out there!"
Raven let out a whoop as she grabbed her friend's hand and pulled her back towards the pulsing lights of the dance floor. As they were passing through the doorway, Clarke let herself look back towards their friends, a wave of jealousy pushing through her as Gina gave Bellamy a long kiss goodbye before bundling his sister in her arms and heading towards the door. Clarke didn't miss as his eyes followed her retreating form fondly. Angrily, the blonde turned back to her raven-haired friend, allowing her to pull her into the crowd of people who had accumulated in the opposite bar. Steeling herself, Clarke took the lead and dragged the two of them up onto the dance floor.
.o.o.
It had to be nearing close, but the rhythmic grind of the bodies around her soothed Clarke's stinging emotions. Well, the music, the dancing and the multiple glowing shots from the shot girl. But tonight was supposed to be about forgetting her on-again-off-again lady love, and finding comfort in her friends – but all she could feel was an aching absence in her gut. Raven had left ages ago – finding a work mate at the bar and disappearing – ostensibly to bang, murmuring in her ear that she'd catch a ride home with the man. At that point, Clarke knew she should've found Bellamy, told him that it was time to go, but a part of her needed this. The anonymity that dancing with strangers allowed. She wasn't ready to give that up quite yet. It wasn't until she felt the hands on her hips that she was shocked out of her own head. Turning, ready for a fight, she felt it all give way as she looked up into the dark eyes of Bellamy Blake.
"What are you doing here?!" Clarke raised her voice so he could hear her over the noise, drawing close to him, her hands resting on his arms, "You hate Throwback!"
Bellamy leaned in close, his lips next to her ear as he spoke, "They closed down the karaoke side, I tabbed you out by the way," Clarke felt an apology building in her throat before it was cut off by the feel of Bellamy's hands tightening against her, "Besides, you looked like you were having fun. Who am I to deny that?" His grin was wolfish as he pulled back.
The laugh burst from her before she could stop it, "Then dance with me you grump!" Clarke slid her small hands down his arms to where his rested against her hips. She locked eyes with him, even as her hips swayed and she drew closer into his grip, there was something in his stare that was heated and she couldn't look away.
"Clarke –" his voice was gruff, gravelly, and suddenly the two were pressed against one another, the crowd taut as the beat dropped –"This can't happen again."
The blonde merely arched her eyebrow before leaning up to him, stretched up on her toes to reach his ear, her arms reaching around his neck, "Who says anything is happening? Seems awfully presumptu-"
But she wasn't able to finish her thought as his lips pressed against hers harshly – cutting her off. Clarke groaned in relief as she opened her mouth to him, feeling one of his hands reach under her to grab her ass as the other pushed her lower back against him. Their tongues danced as their bodies continued to sway in the crowd, frantically scrambling against each other.
Pulling apart, foreheads pressed together, Clarke strained to catch her breath in the heat, "Don't run away from me Bell – not again," She heard the desperation in her voice, but moreso she felt it in the way her heartbeat pounded against her ears, "I can't lose you too."
The look in Bellamy's eyes was pained as he pulled back from her, extricating himself from their embrace, "Not here, we can talk, but not here. I'm not having this conversation in a crowded bar, I'll be waiting outside," he shook his head, his wild curls dampened with sweat as he stalked away from her.
Clarke was frozen, the mass of bodies continued writhing around her as she stood still, only able to watch his retreating form pass through the dim doorway and out of the bar, leaving her completely alone. Quickly pulling herself together, she shimmied her skirt down and let her feet lead her out the door, giving Lincoln a quick nod as she finally fled into the cool night air. Stumbling into the alley between the bar and the parking garage, Clarke turned her head – she needed to find Bellamy, needed to get this out of her system now, when the alcohol was still in her numbing her to any embarrassment she might feel come morning, "Bell-"
Her voice halted as she felt a warm hand wrap around her wrist, pulling her close, "I'm right here Princess, let's go." Clarke looked up into his warm gaze, his eyes full of a heady heat that pulled her closer into his body.
"Where are you parked?" the abject desperation in her own voice was daunting to Clarke, but fuck it – she was in love with her best friend, and she needed to say it out loud – no matter the consequences.
.o.o.
The walk back to Bellamy's car was, thankfully, brief. The two were quiet as Bellamy drew against his cigarette, an avoidance technique he'd learned long ago. But still, as they walked, their hands brushed against one another, the tense silence between them seemed to lessen as they drew closer. Finally, when his old Toyota was in sight, he spoke, "I'm in love with her. Gina. That's not going to change."
His voice sounded final, and pained to Clarke's ears. The words cut through her, leaving a pit in her stomach. Closing her eyes, straining to keep back the traitorous tears threatening to fall if she looked at him, Clarke trained her eyes to the ground before spoke, hating the vulnerability she heard in her own voice, "Does it scare you?"
"What?" The man in front of her sounded exasperated, tired as he looked at her.
"The long term, being with her?" Clarke still didn't trust herself to look at him when she spoke, so she looked anywhere else – right now her eyes were trained on the stone pillar off to the right, concrete and porous.
"No, she's one of the only things I'm sure of. She loves me," the definition in his voice left no room for argument, but something rattled in Clarke's mind a question she couldn't ignore.
"So, then what are we doing?"
"I'm taking you home Clarke, that's all this can be."
"That's not true and you know it," Clarke heard more than felt her defiance, "It was more than that a month ago when Lexa caught us, and it's more than that now. You're just too afraid to admit that you want this."
Bellamy's face looked stricken, as if Clarke had slapped him across the face, "You can't possibly be blaming Lexa on me, you told me you were over! That's why I was there in the first place. To be there for my best friend..." His voice faltered and trailed before he caught his train of thought, "Maybe a long time ago we were playing at a will they, won't they, but dammit Clarke, we're adults now. We have to be adults here."
But somehow, in all this the two had stepped in to one another, standing close as they spoke, Clarke looked up, feeling helpless as she stood in front of him, "Bell – I meant it that night. It's always been you for me. You're it. You're my person… I just, I don't know how to handle that," For the first time she was able to look him straight in the eye as she spoke, "Stop –" She held her hand up as Bellamy opened his mouth to speak –" I mean this. I'll be here, waiting for whenever you need me, however you need me. Even if it means I'm waiting for the rest of my life. I can't just let go, but I'll put whatever this is aside. I'll ignore it –"
And suddenly his lips were on hers again, moving sweetly as he pulled her flush against him. She felt his desperation press against her and she moaned against his mouth as he pushed her against the car, lifting her legs to wrap around his waist. He pulled away from her mouth, his lips peppering kisses against her chin, "Clarke. God, it's confusing how much I care about you," Bellamy rested his forehead against her sternum, his chest heaving shakily as he spoke. Clarke could feel him holding back from her as he held her, his entire body tight.
"So take me home," she wrapped her arms around his head, and let him rest there until after what felt like hours he pulled back, and lowered her feet to the ground. Staring into her eyes, he stole one more kiss from her lips before opening the passenger door for her. Quietly she slid into the car, and let the short drive to her apartment pass in silence.
.o.o.
Clarke would like to say she was stronger than she was. But when the pair got to her apartment, she insisted Bellamy walk her to her door, which turned into a drink, which inevitably turned into more. Much like the last time, Clarke spent her night showing the boy she loved just how she felt about him. And much like the last time, when the morning came, and Clarke lay in bed watching Bellamy pull his shirt back onto his body, her heart started to break all over again.
"I could tell her you know."
Bellamy sighed as he turned back to her, sliding his belt through the loops of his jeans, "You could. But you won't Clarke. Please, don't make this harder than it has to be. Don't turn us into something we can never be."
"I'll be here Bell – I'll always be here."
"I know, Clarke. Love you."
And when he left she let the pain and disgust wash over her. And this time it had nothing to do with the end of her relationship and everything to do with the fact that she would be waiting for him to come to her.
He would always be her person - but she would never be his.
A/N: This was inspired by Lorde's Green Light. Unbeta'd, so if you catch anything, let me know!