Merlin had been nothing but trouble since he and Arthur snuck out on their mission to save Gwen from Hengist, who seemed to believe that Gwen was his father's ward rather than the ward's servant. There wasn't much to be done about that. He'd had to openly disobey his father and would no doubt suffer some punishment for it, but he knew it was the right thing to do.

Besides, he'd been thinking so much about Gwen lately. About servants in general, marrying them, being close to them, loving them. He thought on Gwen's relationship with Morgana. They were so close. But then he had kissed Gwen and that had seemed to wake up something inside of him that he'd never really thought about.

There was no point in thinking about it; his father would forbid him to see a servant girl. Besides, he'd never really know if she loved him for him or for his money and position. He might never know that.

He heard Merlin behind him fall from his horse like a wet sack of potatoes. Sometimes he forgot that Merlin wasn't as hale as he. Though Merlin had unexpected strength, seeing him sprawled out on the ground he could see just how fragile he was. But still, Gwen was in terrible danger, so he splashed water in Merlin's face, knowing that wasn't enough to keep him alert, but they couldn't stop for a nap now.

Arthur knew full well what Hengist was capable of and finding Gwen had to be the priority. She might not even still live. The thought bothered him, but losing her didn't hurt as much as he thought it should. It was confusing. He thought the kiss had meant something, that perhaps he could connect with her romantically. It was less inappropriate than other stray thoughts he'd had.

Not that it would matter in the long run. She was as forbidden to him as a real relationship.

He consulted the maps, thinking. There were fast ways to get to the rival castle, but something made him want to drag his feet. He tried to think perhaps it was dread that they'd be too late, but if he was being honest with himself, he worried what seeing her might do to the feelings he was having. Suddenly it felt so insubstantial and he didn't know why.

Merlin nearly dropped from his horse again from exhaustion. This time Arthur relented. He'd been working Merlin so hard these days. Shining armor, practicing with him, staying up with him at night to talk. Just talk. Merlin was easy for Arthur to talk to, easier than anyone else. His company pleased him and he had him stay with him nearly all the time he was awake, leaving Merlin precious little time to sleep and do his own chores.

Gwen could have been all manner of beastly behavior, but he could tell that Merlin needed to rest, even if Arthur couldn't.

He had too many worries to sleep. The whole thing made him feel confused. He liked order in his life. That was what the Aristocracy was for. Keep all things in their proper order, in their right place.

His heart wasn't towing the party line. He poked the fire as he watched Merlin sleeping with his head propped up against the tree. Merlin didn't say anything, just held out his arm to spread the blanket he'd brought and patted the spot next to him.

What Arthur should have done, he knew, was to tell Merlin that if he still was awake that they should get up on those horses and save Gwen.

But he didn't.

No, instead he curled in next to Merlin and pulled the blanket over them.

--

Arthur was awake before the sun, suiting up in his armor and saddling his horse. He tried to do it quietly, knowing Merlin needed rest. He thought about just leaving him there and rescuing Gwen himself, but he didn't want to leave Merlin vulnerable out here by himself. He was scrappy, but at his size, easily outmanned.

So he waited until Merlin stirred to pressure him into getting a move on. It felt like Merlin was dragging his feet, as if maybe he enjoyed being alone camping in the woods with him. Arthur had to admit that he was also enjoying their time together, but he couldn't put the danger Gwen was in out of his mind. Or rather, he shouldn't.

They needed to get to her quickly and he'd mapped a way to facilitate that. Perhaps his guilt for indulging Merlin would be assuaged by taking this dangerous shortcut. The pain and fear would be his redemption if it came to that. As Merlin was part of his guilt, he suggested berries to cover their scent from the big rats that infested the tunnels they were going to use to cut through to Hengist's castle.

They made it out with minimal interaction with the creatures and once on the other side, they could clean themselves up. That was when Merlin approached him and Arthur had to confess that he wasn't sure they would have made it out of there alive.

"I'm sorry," said Arthur, "I shouldn't have risked your life like that."

"Well, they do say love makes you do strange things."

For a moment, he thought Merlin saw right through him. Rescuing Gwen was what he needed to do. His feelings for her were confused. He wanted to get to know her better, though he wasn't sure what for. He definitely didn't want her to die. "What are you talking about?" Arthur looked at Merlin.

"Why can't you just admit your feelings for Gwen? It's so obvious a blind man could see it. Is it really that hard to admit you like her? Just say it!"

He felt an immense relief that Merlin asked about Gwen. That would be much safer territory than to admit the other feelings he had.

" I can't. How can I admit that I think about her all the time? Or that I care about her more than anyone? How can I admit that I don't know what I'll do if any harm comes to her?" Arthur looked meaningfully at Merlin, wishing he'd get it, wishing he'd understand that while he used Gwen's name, he meant Merlin. It was Merlin he thought about all of the time, Merlin he couldn't get out of his head, Merlin he trusted with his life, Merlin who laughed at his jokes and sometimes even right at him.

Merlin's teasing smile faded. "Why can't you?"

Arthur stared at him, frowning and then looked away. Merlin didn't get it. He was crushed. "Because nothing can ever happen between us. To admit my feelings, knowing that... hurts too much."

"Who's to say nothing can happen?" Merlin sounded worried and a little melancholy. It matched Arthur's mood.

"My father won't let me rescue a servant. Do you honestly believe he'd let me marry one?"

The word "marry" got Merlin's attention. He practically squeaked, "You want to marry Gwen?"

It's you I want to be with. I have feelings for her, but not the same I have for you. "No! No, I don't know. It's all talk, and that's all it can ever be." Arthur felt defeated.

Bitterly, Merlin said, "When you're king, you can change that."

Arthur was tired of this game, of trying to get Merlin to understand how he felt. Defeated, he said, "I can't expect Guinevere to wait for me."

"If she feels as you do, she'll wait for you."

Arthur couldn't even look at him, didn't want to talk about it. Merlin didn't understand. He'd failed. Or maybe Merlin didn't want to hear it. They joked a little and then let it go. It was the way they were.

Maybe Merlin was right, when he was king he could change things. He wouldn't have to try to obfuscate his words, feelings and deeds.

Arthur took that to heart as he mounted his horse. Perhaps one day he would have that kind of authority. But given the way that Merlin looked at Morgana, he wasn't sure he would have enough time.

As he rode to the castle, he realized it really didn't matter. It wasn't as if he could be with either one. He was torturing himself.

He turned to look over his shoulder at Merlin, his dark hair rippling in the breeze, his collar flipping up into his face. His servant. His clown. His little Merlin.

Maybe he would find a way. He didn't know. But for now, Merlin was with him and they could do anything together. Including freeing a servingmaid from Hengist.