Songfic with the song "How am I supposed to live without you" by Michel Bolton. Sad and short, with no happy ending. Please review. Even if it's not good.
She's been everything to me since… well, I don't even remember for how long. We went to high school together. Then, after graduation, we moved to a bigger city to study in a good university. She doesn't know I love her, and of course, she is not gay. Yes, she might have asked why I don't ever date anyone. And she might also have asked what I am doing when I stand too close to her, losing my breath because of her smell. But no, she doesn't have a clue about how much I feel for her.
Now I'm thinking all those simple facts that I'm used to live with, while walking to my next class. We are juniors already. I can't help but smile, knowing she will be sitting in front of me for the next eighteen minutes, while I'll be staring at her hair swing like an idiot.
But when I arrive and take my usual place, she is not there. And in the next class, she is not there. And after that, she is still not there. I'm worried. She never misses a class. Not only I secretly love her, but also I'm her friend, so I should probably know where is she, right?
I text her on my break. A simple "Hey, why r u not at school?" should do it. But the minutes go by, and there's no answer. The real question in my head is "baby, where are you? What happened?" But then again, she is not my baby.
I look at my phone expectantly at lunch time. "Where the fuck are you?" is the question that escapes my mouth without my notice."Where is who?" asks another friend who is having lunch next to me. "hum… Ash. She didn't come and isn't answering."
"Oh… she hasn't spoken to you?" says Aiden.
Speak about what? What do you know that I don't? Every possible question runs through my mind while I try to read on his eyes. I can see pity there. Is it for me?
"What is it?" I finally whisper.
"Well… she is going away".
***I could hardly believe it, when I heard the news today… I had to come and get it straight from you. They said you where leaving…***
"Going away like… on vacations?" I could tell that Aiden eyes were now full of compassion. He knew. I mean, it was obvious even for me that he knew. But it didn't matter then. I would never matter. "Aiden… what…?"
I just sat there for a moment, and then stood up and run to her apartment the faster I could. All the way, I tried to convince myself that it was a mistake. A misunderstanding. That she would never go. I mean, she simply couldn't. I have never lived more than ten blocks away from her, right? And that's one of those things that never change, right?
I knocked insistently on her door until she let me in. "Hey Spence", she said with a tired voice. Boxes were all over the room. That's when realization came through my mind.
*** They said you were leaving… someone swept your heart away… From the look upon your face I see it's true…***
That's what I said. She sat on a closed box, with her eyes showing her soul. Broken. That's all I could see. I wanted to hug her, kiss her… But I knew better than that. I had to cheer her up.
*** So tell me all about it, tell me about the plans you're making…***
And so she gave me this sweet, weak smile, and started talking. Talking about the new place. New university... New Job… New people... New future that didn't include me.
And she carried on for hours, with me carefully listening to every word she said, afraid that it was the last one I could hear. It was late night already when I made my way to the front door.
***Tell me one thing more before I go…***
I started to say goodbye, with the knob on my hand, and somewhere through my words I just couldn't take it anymore, and my voice broke.
***Tell me how am I supposed to live without you… Now that I've been loving you so long… how am I supposed to live without you… and how am I supposed to carry on… when all that I've been living for… it's gone...***
I went out of there, not saying anything else. Just not looking at you.
***To tired for crying, didn't come here to break down…It's just a dream of mine that's coming to an end…And how can I blame you, when I build my world around, the hope that someday we'd be so much more than friends. ***
So now I found myself facing a charged gun, about to end my life, because the idea of living more than ten blocks away from you, is just too much. I just wish there was another way. But you're not gay, and I can't chase you forever, right? Maybe God allows me to be your guardian angel from somewhere else…
*** I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming… Even now it's more than I can take… Tell me how am I supposed to live without you… Now that I've been loving you so long… how am I supposed to live without you… and how am I supposed to carry on… when all that I've been living for… it's gone...***