This is a story written when we probably could have been doing something a lot better.
Enjoy (read and review and we promise not to give up on this story like every other thing we've ever done....ever)
Deep in the heartland of America, in a small dilapidated cabin, sat a boy puzzling over a letter he had just received from an owl. Unfortunately if the boy could read he would of known he was invited to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But, since he could not read he crumpled the letter into a ball and used it as kindling to light himself a fire in the small shack.
Skipping to two months later........
A stranger is outside his door. "Are you Alfred F Jones?"
"Depends on who's asking" replied Alfred.
"Well your aunt Gladys Horseshoe died in a horrible bingo tournament accident".
"Who? I don't I don't have an aunt Horseshoe" Said Alfred.
"Sorry, let me rephrase myself" said the mysterious stranger "Your RICH aunt Horseshoe died".
Alfred never being the one to turn down an opportunity Said, "Oh yeah! Dear aunt Gladys!" He sniffled holding back pretend tears.
"But there's one condition sir. You must attend the Roman school for flatulent children".
"The What?" Said Alfred.
"Oh it's just a name, don't worry about it", Said the stranger. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a plane ticket to New York. He then reached into his other pocket and pulled out a small ball which he threw to the ground and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Weird" thought Alfred.
After Alfred's parents came home from a hard day of working at the mine, Alfred sat them down and decided to tell them about his eventful day.
"What!" Said Alfred's perpetually drunk father, "You're not going anywhere. You're gonna stay and work the mines just like my father and his father before him. And your mother, and her mother before her. "The taffy doesn't mine its self boy". Alfred's mother piped in, "How will the people of American enjoy delicious chewy taffy?"
"But Mah! I don't wanna be a taffy miner! I wanna an astronaut, or a race car driver! Or a cashier!"
"Son! Those dreams are too big for you!"
"My dreams can't be held down by this shack! I have my ticket and I'm going!" Alfred said as he ran out the door arms waving, tears in his eyes.
He reached his favourite spot on the whole property, the chicken coop. He said a tearful goodbye to his favourite hens Margret, Sheila, and Doris. He prayed the family would not eat them while he was away. He went around to the shed and said goodbye to his favourite gun and skinning knife. They had served him faithfully over the years and had been the nightmare of many rabbits.
Day of departure:
After wishing his parents and gun a fond farewell Alfred gazed in awe at the giant metal bird he had so often seen in the sky. Would it try to eat him? Would it hurt? Everyone else seemed to be lining up to go in. He didn't want to seem uncool.
After entering the belly of the beast and surviving the ordeal Alfred landed in the New York Airport. He was immediately shocked by all the tall buildings. The tallest thing he had ever seen in his life was the old sycamore tree in the back. As he was wondering around the airport he bumped into the most unusual young man he had ever seen. He was wearing a white uniform and had a black bowl haircut. Since Alfred had no idea where he was headed he decided to ask this strange person for directions.
Alfred being the small town ignorant type immediately assumed the man did not speak English. Alfred hit him on the back of the head and said, "Yo! You speaky the English?"
The young man rubbed his pained head and said, "It's not speaky, it's speak. And it's not THE English, it's just English".
"So do ya?" Said Alfred. The young man rolled his eyes and began to walk away. Alfred, not letting this chance at making friends slip grappled the young man to the ground.
"AAAHHhhhh, what do you want do you want from me?!"
"My name is Alfred F Jones and you're going to be my friend!"
The strange young man got up and cracked Alfred on the back of the head. Alfred took this manly display as a sign of friendship.
"What's your name stranger?"
"It's Kiku" said the disturbed young man.
"Well I'm headed to the Roman School for Flatulent Children. What about you Kiku? Where you going?"
"Oh, then our paths take us to the same destination. I am also going to this school."
"Awesome! You have any idea how to get there?"
"We can take my pet Mothra."
American turned his head to the side like a small dog, "What?"
"Oh sorry" said Kiku. "Sometimes I get reality and movies mixed up."
As Alfred stared at Kiku, and contemplated his strange new friend a tall man in a mask approached them.
"You kids here to go to the fart school?"
"Yes we are!" Alfred happily shouted.
"Then get your asses in the back of that car and shut up!"
Alfred and Kiku did as they were told, but apparently Kiku did not move fast enough since the masked man picked him up, shook him a few times and threw him in the car.
The man climbed in the front of the car, turned around and said, "Listen up you little piles of puke. The names Sadiq, the ride is four hours long. If you get too loud, or too excited, I'm going to drive this car into the first sturdy tree I find. Understood?"
"Yes sir" Kiku said submissively.
"Where'd you get that bitchin mask?!" Asked Alfred.
After the very long, long car ride they pulled up to a large mansion situated approximately in the middle of nowhere. Sadiq opened the back door, grabbed both Alfred and Kiku by the collar cutting off Alfreds story about some cool road kill he once found. He threw them both roughly to the ground and sped off.
"Well partner" said Alfred sauntering up to the gates, "looks like we're home."
Kiku noticed a buzzer on the side of the building and rang it. The voice that came from the other end was thickly accented. "Oh, you must be the new boys. I'll have someone come down to show you around...over"
Out of the mansion doors came a young man with medium length brown hair. He walked up to the gate and opened it for Alfred and Kiku to come in.
"Hey guys, how was your trip? Welcome to your first day at the Roman School for Flatulent Children." He said as he led them into the mansion.
Alfred was amazed by the obvious wealth surrounding him. "Omg look at them railings! And is that a bathroom INSIDE a building?! Wow! I've never seen that before!"
Lithuania chuckled, not realizing Alfred really wasn't joking. "I'll introduce you both to your room mates now." He said as he led them up a long flight of stairs.
They got to a room where two young men were standing waiting for them.
"First Kiku, I'd like to introduce you to your roommate Heracles. He recently moved from Greece to attend our prestigious school."
Kiku looked at the man and nodded, the man nodded back. Then they both left to go to their room.
Alfred was staring at the boy who was going to be his roommate. He'd seen that face down by the pond at his house (they didn't have mirrors back where he lived). The kid looked just like him.
"Alfred, this is your roommate Matthew he recently moved here from Canada."
"Nice to meet you Alfred." Said the friendly Canadian boy.
"AAAAAHHHHhhhhh" screamed Alfred.