Aren't you supposed to be L's successor?
Then, if that's true,
Tell me, why are you such an idiot?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Outside, underneath the window at one in the morning, Matt wonders what brought him here. But it's not like he doesn't know the answer. He knows it well enough. For it is standing about one foot from him. Mello, the idiot, just had to see him. See if the rumors were true. If Near really…If L had already chosen…And Matt had to go with Mello. Mello needed him; he couldn't refuse. . And even if Mello hadn't…Well, it's not like Matt would've left Mello alone out here.
Mello's eyes flick towards Matt, or at least in his direction. Finally. He's stopped looking up at his window. It's not like Matt was waiting for Mello to notice him. Mello tilts his head, then whispers, "Thanks."
For being here with him or for being his friend? For Matt, it's an important distinction.
Not that he'll ever let Mello know that. So he whispers back, "No problem."
And it's not. It's not like he needs Mello's gratitude. Matt has given up everything for Mello. And he'll do all again in a heartbeat.
Mello smiles, as though reading his mind, and looks back up. Mello's smile is really quite something, and Matt catches himself thinking if he were to spend more time smiling at Matt that way, Matt might just get through life.
Mello is still talking though, and Matt stops musing.
"…You won't understand, but I loved him."
Past tense. Interesting. "I understand."
"No, you don't," Mello says, shaking his head. Matt watches the pale gold locks shine in the early dawn, mesmerized. "It's like, you're obsessed. You would do anything just to see that person smile. And, when you find out that person already loves someone else-"
Mello's trying to explain Matt's own predicament to him. Matt wishes he would stop.
"It hurts," Matt finishes, voice hollow.
"Oh." Mello's eyes widen with understanding. And Matt's heart beats faster. He finds he's praying, though he's never been one for religion…Never believed in anything, really. Not before Mello. Has Mello, the idiot to end all idiots, finally realized it?
"You love someone, too," Mello says slowly.
Matt can only nod, breathless. Maybe, just maybe, Mello will prove himself not to be such a hopeless idiot.
The hope lasts for less than a minute.
"Who?" Mello asks, interested.
Matt looks away. Damn it.
"You…" Matt begins but can't form any more words. Mello looks puzzled. Adorable. Not that Mello doesn't always. "Just forget it," he grinds out, voice low and pained.
"Me what? C'mon tell me," Mello pleads and Matt finds he can only stare. This is pointless. Matt's throat tightens and involuntarily clenches his fist. He feels like hitting something.
"No," he bites out.
"Tell me," whines Mello.
Matt, as anyone will tell you, is usually pretty relaxed…But this... this is too much. He snaps; the words torn from his throat.
"Isn't it enough that I'm out here? Isn't it enough that I'm here to watch you pine over some guy who will never see you? Isn't-" Matt cuts himself off, horrified.
Mello looks shocked. But not as shocked as Matt feels. Did Matt really just say that?
"Oh," Mello says again.
"Sorry," Matt mutters, ashamed.
"No. You're right. I shouldn't have dragged you out here. You have work to do, I've just realized…I'm so sorry…You're better off without me…Sorry…really..." Mello's voice is faint. Matt has never heard Mello sound this young. Never. Never this vulnerable or apologetic. And his heart breaks with every syllable.
Has Mello finally realized….
…how much Matt sacrifices for him?
"No, no don't misunderstand. I do it because I want to." Matt has never heard himself so desperate. He can taste it in his mouth, it burns like acid.
"It's you," Matt says suddenly.
"What's me?" Mello asks, wearily.
Matt is torn between either shaking Mello and howling his frustration, or pushing him against the building and kissing him into next week.
He does neither. "Never mind. Forget it."
And this time, Mello does.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It's not like Matt doesn't understand. He does. And really, isn't it proof that Wammy has rubbed off on him that he can analyze the situation like this? They have a good friendship. By even acknowledging his feelings, he's compromising them. Mello doesn't want this to end. Matt doesn't either.
Matt knew all of this, on some level, so all he did, all he could do, was nod. And pretend that night never happened. Could only tell himself over and over like he has for the past few months…Ever since he realized, one day, while playing his video game, his feelings towards Mello were anything but platonic…
That it's not like Matt's heart breaks every time Mello says his name…Every time he doesn't say Matt's.
It's not like Matt cries every time Mello tries to fix things himself, never asking for his help.
Mello will acknowledge the obvious. He knows, as everyone at Wammy's does, that Matt is his. But only Matt knows how deep his devotion runs. He can only hope that Mello's acknowledgment will be enough. Matt is not stupid. Lazy? Certainly. But not stupid; he knows it won't ever be enough. Maybe when, or rather after, Mello becomes L and has everything he's wanted, Matt will try again. He's never really worked at anything, but Mello, he decides, has maybe always known, is worth it. Even if he is an idiot. He's going to try to enlighten Mello, show him the one thing he's always had but maybe, after everything has gone according to plan, might just want.
But for now, because the future seems so far away, it's not like it means anything. And yet, at the same time, those nights when Mello blows him off in favor of watching a certain person, when Matt gives in and cries into his pillow long into the night because he knows Mello can't hear him, it means so much he can barely breathe. So much he can almost forget all the lies he's told himself, because in a way he's not lying to himself; it's not like, no, it's always been love.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It's not like I love you.
It's not like I need you.
You just where my world begins,
And where it ends.
Nothing more, nothing less.
But everything in between
~Fin