Earlier that evening at some business extravaganza your eyes had met his. And you looked away first for you cannot hold his golden gaze, piercing as the early sunrays. But you looked back (you always do). And by that time, it is he who turned his back. And you were left there, surrounded by adoring coworkers and underlings. And he walked away, leaving you helpless. You stay and socialize before making excuses: you're tired, there's work to be done, and you promised your wife…None of them are lies, but you omit the truth. That your reason for living just walked away. And ergo, so too must you go. You shake hands with the others, bidding Sakuno and K a good night. You know where he'll have gone. Home. Your lip curls. With his new lover.
You go to his door now and withdraw your key, the key that symbolizes your relationship with him. You stole -but no, stole is such an ugly word you think, and so- borrowed his spare key with the intention never to return it. You who smiled blithely as he stared at you hard, asking if you'd seen it. With a guilelessness that you have not if ever truly possessed since your childhood, you smile and say No, really Eiri, you mustn't blame others for your own faults. So it is with that same key that you enter his domain.
You can tell from the neatness of the place and lack of happiness on your Yuki's expression that the Brat, as you have begun to call him, is not present. You lay your jacket over the back a chair and spy him on the couch, head in one hand, the other clenching and unclenching.
"Eiri-san," you begin in a saccharine voice. He looks mildly annoyed at the intrusion but not surprised.
You sidle over to him, kneeling in front of him. You take the hand not supporting his head in your own. It feels cold and you want to warm it with your love. But you don't, you can't. It would break the dangerous tight rope act you've been planning. No matter how strong you like to think your relationship is, a single wrong step could destroy everything you've built. And you will not allow that to happen. Not yet.
"Do you and Shindou have a lovers spat?" you guess, but you already know the truth. Shindou had no doubt run crying Hiro, who in turn, called you like the good side kick he was.
He grimaces. "We're not lovers. I don't know why I said that." He means to that reporter.
"Do you want me to have her fired?" You don't want to, but you are always ready to lash out, to avenge him.
He rolls his eyes, not because he doesn't believe you (he does) but because of your eagerness.
What he says next catches you off guard. "You need to get over me, Seguchi." He looks tired. Should you buy him mediation CDs? You make a mental note to ask Sakuno to pick some up.
He rubs his temples with his forefingers. Such slender fingers, yet manly at the same time. The movement fascinates you. "I don't love you like that. You could have anyone." You can see the question in his gaze: Why me?
It's true, you could have anyone. But you want him.
"What about you?" you throw back lazily but your eyes are bright. "You've had so many lovers. But you're still so lonely."
"That's enough." His eyes are cold. There is no hint of a smile. He is serious. But since when has that stopped you?
You laugh softly at his command. "I'm not Shindou-kun. I don't have to listen to you."
It's a familiar argument. You want to control him; it's been your fantasy since you met him. You don't know why you feel so strongly for the young author.
But you know the reasons for your anger, for your feelings of betrayal. It's because…
"You're in love, Eiri. I can see it."
He wants to tell you you're wrong. But you're not. You know you're not. And so does he.
"And if I am?" That he doesn't even object only infuriates you further.
"He must be something special," you remark, your tone calm. "I mean, you've let him stay here. This isn't just some one night stand. This is real. You're in love. He's staying with you." You can't get that thought out of your head.
"You don't love him," you state, your breathing becoming harsh and irregular. "You don't…You're not allowed to…You can only love me."
He smiles then, but it's not a real smile. It's not an Eiri smile. So it squeezes your heart rather than filling it.
"Of course, you're the only one for me." The words sound foreign coming from his mouth. They're sardonic, of course.
When he says that, you can't help but remember a time when the two of you were younger. When you'd bribe him to say "I love you" with cookies or books or some new gadget that no one else had…And it would work.
You wonder how much yen you'd need to buy his love these days.
You get up to fix the two of you drinks, buying yourself time. It's always like this. The little outbursts that mean nothing but could one day ultimately mean everything. You open a cupboard and see that he has some ancient burgundy. Well, the older the better, right? You deftly uncork the bottle and sniff. Lovely.
"He said I had the eyes of a killer. What do you make of that?" he asks blandly as you hand him a glass.
You know he means Taki. Speaking of which, you'll have to deal with the miscreant. Unknowingly, your mouth forms into an ugly smirk.
"Maybe." You hum under your breath. Then swirl your wind glass around, watching the burgundy create a mini whirl pool. "More like the eyes of someone who's suffered so much pain, they can't stand to see it being done to anyone else."
"It's because you remind me of me. Of how I used to be," you confess, referring to his silent question. But it's a lie.
You and Yuki were never anything alike. You've always been this obsessive, controlling and cruel. But Yuki didn't have to turn out like this. It's all your fault.
He gives you some hope, though. That maybe you can be like this. Happy… in love. It sounds ridiculous. It's… You take a sip of wine. Delicious.
You mull over his earlier unasked questions.
Why me?
There are a million reasons why Eiri is your everything. But you do it for his smile.
Because he understands your need to control, to destroy, to preserve.
You can manipulate people so well because you understand them, you know how they work, what they believe and for how much they can be bought off.
Normally you'd hire someone to kill anyone who even touched Eiri.
But Shindou makes him smile, you counter, your own mind doing battle with itself.
"Shindou be here soon," he lowly announces to the room. The fact that he's stopped calling Shindou the Brat alarms you but you try to keep your emotions in check.
But this is our time, you think, almost say out loud. But it would sound too much like whining. So instead you plaster on a grin and stand up. It's time.
You get your coat and then he walks you to the door. You start to turn around but then he starts talking and you find it's just easier to stay still.
"I forgave you for what happened in New York a long time ago. It wasn't your fault. "
"It wasn't yours either," you argue fiercely, tone soft.
No, that's not what you're doing here. That's not why you've come. You didn't come here for apologizes or atonement. You came here to finish something. To put an end to your feelings once and for all.
Usually being with him gives you peace but you can't stay; you have to leave. Now.
You know him. Know he's scared of love, of its repercussions. And you understand. Because loving someone is scary. Trust is terrifying. The reason you can so freely love him is because he doesn't love you back. It's what makes your relationship work. If he were to ever take your flirtations seriously, your dynamic would change. And you'd run.
Because you know it can never be. It hurts Eiri to look at you, you repeat. You remind him of that time. Will always remind him….will always hurt him.
And you, who wants nothing more than to protect him, to heal him the most, are the one you cannot protect him from.
But Shindou can. He does. So you must stay away. You've never been all that good at not being in Eiri's life. Then again, when it comes to Eiri, you've been known to do some crazy things.
You keep the key, though. You deserve some compensation; Eiri stole your heart and has yet to give it back. You figure when Eiri gives you your heart back, you'll fork over the key. But not a day sooner. The thought is oddly comforting as you go about ensuring that the day never arrives.
~Fin