Notes: So, Sebastian's back and Klaine is over. Everything else is wishfull thinking.
Breaking your own heart
You're breaking your own heart
Taking it too far down the lonely road
He didn't think about the aftermath.
His eyes are red and swollen, his throat is raspy and every breath he takes burns it's way down to his lungs. His insides ache, from heart to soul, and everything he does and everything he says seems meaningless and unworthy and false.
He passes a hand trough his un-gelled hair and wraps his jacket tighter around himself. He doesn't even know what he's doing here. This is not home anymore, this is not his safe house, his room is no longer his room, it's been a long time since this hasn't been the place where he belongs. But here, sitting on the front steps of Dalton in the middle of the night, he finds himself wishing it was.
It's a strange feeling, like his own body is repulsed by him, like his own mind doesn't want to be in his head, like his skin is dirty and everything he touches will somehow turn to mud. He has this horrible urge to scream all the time, and tears are always one step away, lurking behind his eyes, waiting for the worst possible moment to fall down. He's alone, he's worthless, he's...
"You're a vision. A drunk vision. Maybe you're not even here."
The voice is soft and rough and almost shaky, and Blaine only half recognizes it, but when he looks up, Sebastian is standing at the bottom of the stairs, hair tousled and eyes red and clothes wrinkled and sweaty. He looks like he can barely keep balance on his own, but his eyes remain focused on Blaine like he doesn't believe what he's seeing.
"I was...I was just leaving."
He hasn't even had time to stand up when Sebastian runs to him, almost tripping, and grabs his arm to hold him in place, kneeling before him.
"Don't. Please just...If you're here, of if I'm...imagining you or...whatever, just stay."
And his eyes are so green, and his voice is so soft, so pleading, and his lips are thin and bruised and his hair seems so soft...
"Okay."
The taller boy smiles, and it seems to Blaine, for a moment, like it's the most beautiful smile he's ever seen.
"I heard what happened." Sebastian slurs, sitting next to him.
"Everybody heard."
Sebastian laughs a little, short and breathy.
"And now you're feeling lonely and worthless and undeserving, like you're the worst human being on Earth."
Blaine turns to look at him with wide eyes and opens his mouth to defend himself, but he can't think of nothing to say, because, the truth is, Sebastian's actually right, so he just drops his gaze to the floor again.
"But you're not, you know? You're still the same amazing person. You just happened to make a mistake, led by loneliness and emptiness and the need to feel like someone loves you."
Sebastian has never spoken like this, and Blaine is sure that if it weren't because he's drunk, he never would, and he'll probably deny it in the morning. But everything he's saying...it's hard to believe that Sebastian, of all people, is the only one who seems to understand.
"You don't know about love, or loneliness."
Sebastian laughs again and closes his eyes, shaking his head.
"You broke someone else's heart, Blaine, it's not a big deal, it happens every day. It doesn't define who you are."
"And what does? What's worst than breaking the love of your life's heart?"
"Breaking your own."
Everything is suddenly silent, Sebastian's lat words linger between them and Blaine finds himself looking outside his own misery for the first time in weeks, and what he sees is as surprising as it is heartbreaking.
"You look in the mirror and all you see is dirt, and you try to fuck the loneliness away, but everything you touch turns to dust and you're dirtier and lonelier, and the emptiness never leaves." Sebastian turns to look at him with the saddest smile, and his eyes are bright and dull all at the same time, and his voice is so soft, it's barely a whisper. "Sometimes, I can't even stand being with myself. So...that's why I do what I do."
And Blaine feels like he never understood anything, until now.
"And every time you're close, every time it seems like you...like you've found someone, something, and happiness is just at arms reach, you look in the mirror and think of all the things that could go wrong, how you could get screwed and your heart could break and...So I break everyone instead. Because why let someone else break your heart, when you can do it so well on your own?"
Blaine wants to say something, but his throat is suddenly dry and everything he wants to say seems meaningless and the more he thinks about it, the less sense everything makes, and suddenly he's speaking without even knowing what he's saying.
"I think I...have you ever thought about how maybe one day...one day you take a risk for something that's important, and you're brave, and then you realize that the only time that really counts is that time when you weren't brave enough, and you missed the only chance that was worth taking?"
Sebastian stares at him, confused, and Blaine just smiles slightly and it's like an enormous weight was pulled of his shoulders, and he can breath for the first time in a long time.
"It should have been you. If I was going to risk everything for someone, it should have been you. You're the only chance that was worth taking."
And it's so simple, and so clear, it's almost unbelievable.
Sebastian looks at him like he's the most precious thing in the world, and for the first time in a long time, Blaine almost believes it.
"I am imagining you, I know, so it doesn't really matter what I say, doesn't it?" Sebastian whispers. "I think you're gorgeous, and talented, and strong, and selfless, and probably the best person I've ever met, and I really thought that we could have been amazing together...But you'll never know, because you're not really here."
And Blaine believes it, too, because every time Sebastian looks at him, he feels powerful and big, like he's capable of anything. He missed him, somehow, the flirting and the teasing and the making him feel wanted and sexy and beautiful.
"I'm here."
"Of course you are."
Blaine scoots closer and leans his head in Sebastian's shoulder, and through closed eyelids, he sees everything they could be, and how he, who feels like he's nothing right now, could change someone's life for he better.
"It's not too late, Seb."
"It's gonna be a bitch when I wake up and realize this was all a drunken dream."
"Then I'll sleep here with you until you wake up."
Blaine thinks it's a good day to start picking up the pieces, of both of them.