Why You Should Never Arrest A Voodoo Priestess
By: Liz B
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Author's Note: More zombie crack!fic.
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"Now, I know I haven't worked in Major Case before, but really, I didn't know the NYPD hired zombies. That's what they are, right? Zombies?" Lily asked as they raided every gun locker in the squad room.
"No, this isn't normal." Bobby said, loading his pockets with shotgun shells.
"You are completely useless!" Andy yelled from outside the squad room. There was a spattering of gun fire, then Andy's voice again, "So useless! They're dead already!"
"They were people once, it's still wrong." Anna said after some more shots.
"Oh God, useless! Go get me a bigger gun, a lots more ammo!"
"How's she doing?" Mike asked Anna when she ran into the squad room. He tossed some extra clips to Lily, who caught them and started tucking them in her pockets.
"I think she's enjoying it. Thanks, Bobby." Anna said, taking the shotgun Bobby offered.
"Andy would enjoy shooting zombies. They still coming up the stairs?" He asked, shaking some shells out into Anna's other hand.
"Yeah, they haven't figured out the elevators yet."
"We should pull the fire alarm before they do, lock the elevators and clear the building." Bobby suggested.
"It's 3 am, who, besides us and support staff are here?" Lily asked, looking around.
"Better safe than sorry. I'll do it and then get Andy back here." Anna nodded and ran back for the stairs.
"We're going to get backed up to the interviews rooms, you know that, right?" Mike said, loading his own shot gun. Bobby nodded grimly and Lily looked between them.
"We're cornered." Everyone paused as the fire alarm sounded.
"At least until the fire department gets here." Bobby said, listening to the louder shots from a shotgun.
"Okay, this is nuts. What the hell are zombies doing here?" Lily threw up her hands. "This isn't a B-movie!"
"Well…" Mike said sheepishly, "I did arrest a voodoo priestess once."
"This is your fault?!" Andy yelled, walking backwards and firing at the few zombies that shuffled into range.
"It could be."
"One of these bullets is for you."
"Enough!" Bobby yelled, joining in the shooting. "Get back to the interview room, the fire department will get us out." They all fell into a line, walking backwards towards interviews, firing at the slow moving undead. Their only advantage was that the zombies were really slow. They managed to get into one of the interview rooms and Mike and Bobby slid the table in front of the door.
"Alright," Andy popped a cartrage from her shot gun, "Mike has some explaining to do."
Mike sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck, "Look, it was a good arrest and she didn't appear to have any real power."
"Oh, she's got some now."
"Andy, you're not helping." Bobby frowned, watching a drooling zombie face through the window.
"I got attacked by zombies!"
"Look, let's think about a better solution than waiting here." Lily spoke up, "I don't like sitting here with no exit." Everyone got quiet, thinking about a better solution. The moans and groans from the zombies outside were rather distracting.
"At least Alex isn't here," Bobby sighed.
"Yeah, and Vlad, the lucky bastard." Andy muttered darkly.
"That's it!" Anna yelled excitedly, "Andy, you're a genius."
"This is true. What did I do?"
"Vlad! He can come rescue us!"
"Oh yeah, him and what army?" Lily asked.
"You've never met the whole Hoffman family, have you? They're their own army." Mike said.
"You be quiet, I'm still mad at you for this."
"Yes, ma'am."
Everyone sort of paused, before Anna spoke up again, "Okay… anyway. Vlad, he's got swords, and I bet he knows a lot about zombies."
"That's a great idea, Anna, really, but, how do we get in contact with the guy? He's back at our squad room. Oh, and handsome, I'm never coming here for lunch again." Andy smiled tightly.
"I'm never coming here for work again." Bobby muttered.
"I've got a cell phone." Anna flipped over her phone and started dialing quickly. "Yeah, Vlad, don't ask questions, just listen. We're at the Major Case squad room and we're being attacked by zombies. We need your help." Anna paused to listen, "Great, great, we'll see you soon. Better be soon, don't dawdle."
"Well?" Lily asked as Anna snapped the phone closed.
"He's calling Damek to get the rest of the family and his grandma. He'll be here as soon as possible."
"His grandma?" Mike asked incredulous.
"She apparently knows a counter spell." Anna shrugged and everyone mulled this over for awhile before Andy spoke up again.
"Is it just me or does the Hoffman family get weirder every day?" '
"If it gets me out of here, I'm converting to Vlad's religion." Lily said. They spent a nervous hour, listening and waiting for the door the cave in or the window to shatter. They were doubly lucky, zombies were stupid and slow. They all tensed when someone knocked on the door and then Damek's face came into view. Mike and Bobby moved the table and he opened the door.
"Wow, whoever shot the ones on the stairs is a really good shot. How'd you know to shoot them in the heart instead of the head?" All eyes swung to Andy who leaned against her shotgun casually.
"What?"
"Anyway, the spelled work?" Anna asked, and Damek nodded.
"Grandma says this was nothing compared to the infestation her village had as a kid."
"Weirder every day." Everyone chuckled, relieved to be alive and left the interview room. Zombie bodies were everywhere in the squad room, lying over desks and on the floor and in chairs. The smell was none too pleasant. Vlad, Alexie, and Luka were hacking away with large swords while a small gray haired woman stood in the middle of the room, muttering furiously in Romanian.
No one really knew what to say. Even Andy, who had a wise ass response for everything was quiet. That was until Alex appeared at the door from her lunch break. She looked around and then looked at Mike.
"The voodoo priestess is still mad huh?"
Mike blinked for a second and then shrugged, "Apparently."
"Guess I better call Barek and warn her." Alex made her way towards her desk. Vlad pulled a zombie body out of her chair for her and she thanked him before picking up the phone.
"Well, this was a really nice time. Honestly, but you know, I'm gonna take the rest of the day off." Lily said, holstering her gun and stepping over a severed arm. Mike trailed after her, but Damek stopped him by pushing a sword into his arms.
"You started it, you help clean up." Damek explained before rejoining his bother. Mike sighed and rolled up his sleeves before picking up the sword and going to work.
Andy grabbed Bobby by his tie and started to drag him off. "Where are we going?"
"I just got attacked by zombies, we're finding a closet and we're having sex. Got it?"
"Okay. Down the hall to the left just past the elevators."
"Want to help?" Alexie offered Anna a sword and she rolled her eyes. "But, they're dead already."
"I'm going to get tea for your grandmother and explain everything to the fire department. Or at least try."