What if I'm broken? What if I need just a little someone to come and fix me? It is 6 AM when I wake, get dressed, go downstairs to eat breakfast. Remnants of stale nightmares replay in my head. Scream, scream, scream, pain, pain, pain, no one saves me. I examine myself in the mirror. Blonde hair, dull eyes, dim teeth, and clunky body. I want to feel pretty again. I want to feel beautiful..for once.
I drag my feet across the ground when I arrive at the high school. I see Benny and Ethan walking into the Science lab, chatting the day away. They both smile, happiness and giggles. Lame, nerdy references. I remember when I used to be like that.
I wish I could tell someone, anyone, of that night, how I had always loved the mythology of vampires but had never wanted to be one. I wish I could speak of Gord and I in the closet, and how before I could process what what going on I was shivering, naked. My facade was too natural, now. No one would believe me.
I think if anyone who knew me personally saw me cry, they'd explode. I've never been one to cry, never. Tough love, I didn't want anyone to know how breakable I was, how one tap can knock me off my coffee table and onto the ground, shattering into a million pieces of glass.
By now, I'm known for being mean. I'm especially spiteful to anyone who gets close to the truth, and why wouldn't I be? I've never wanted anyone to find out, but at the same time I want to let somebody know.
I see Benny, he's walking home after the what has been quite possibly the longest day of school ever. He's still wearing that smile, the one I'm so envious of. The one I used to have. I follow him, stalking him in the shadows of late afternoon trees, and not for any reason, I suppose, but I'm bored and I guess I've always wondered what his house might look like. There are a few times when I forget to keep silent, and he looks around, suspicious, but then he shrugs, and walks again.
His messenger bag is draped over his chest, and I can see the strap crossing over his back. He's wearing another striped polo of his. The color is black today. Maybe he's not so happy either. His deep pools of green absorb me, I keep staring into them while I wait for the next moment to seize the tree's shadow, but they look different today. Distant, somehow. Like he's focusing on something a million years away and I am stuck in the past, no way of reaching him, and for some odd reason, that thought scares me. It strikes me how scared I'd be if Benny were not Benny and he was not always there. I run to the next shadow, still following.
He stops at the driveway of a white, large, house. It has mahogany pillars holding up part of the house on the right side. The shingles aren't cracked, missing, moldy, or chipped, and the white house's paint job is crisp and clean. There are three trees in his yard, a wide expanse of lime and dark green tones. The flowers that line the corner of the house look happy and well-hydrated, but there's a rusty swingset that needs some T.L.C in the back corner. It looks like it doesn't belong in this picture perfect yard. It probably hasn't been used in years, and when the rain and the metal combine, it becomes a gathering place for rust. The wind blows one of the swings slightly forward. There is an eerie creaking noise and my fangs shoot out before I realize what made the noise, I suck them back in.
Benny sits down in the middle of the yard, and hums a song gently under his breath. The tune is familiar. I know the song from somewhere, and it sounds startlingly similar to a Death Cab for Cutie song. He hums 'I Will Follow You Into the Dark' and I watch as water nearly bubbles over his pools of green. I have a sudden urge to run to him, to catch the tears that will soon fall on my fingers, but I resist. Suddenly I want to hug him and tell him right then and there what happened to me, and I doubt he'd mind if I magically appeared. Stranger things have happened, and this time it's not metaphorical. He wipes a tear and spreads out, laying on the beautiful green grass. It's been sunny today and my sunscreen is growing sparce. I must remember to pick some up tomorrow. He looks so happy, like he's in his own little word, Benny's world. Wind runs through his brown hair, and happy happy happiness radiates from his being. Teeth flash, green eyes open wide with surprise. They look refreshing. Wind picks up the hem of his jeans and causes his shirt to float over his stomach. He laughs and lays his head on his arm, turning to face a shed I had not realized existed. The grin dissapears. He frowns, squints, closes his eyes, and opens them. He senses something that should not be here. Maybe it's me. Green eyes grow alarmed, and rove the earth, searching for signs of supernatural creatures. My heart skips a beat, I hear his skip one, too.
"Hello?" He breaks the silence with a scared yet loud question to no one imparticular, and suddenly I feel guilty. I feel like I'm hiding something from him, and I am, but I'm not particularly close to him and I shouldn't even be here. I get ready to run.
"Erica?" I freeze. He has found out I am here. How did he know? Are his senses that strong? But then I squint and I see a pigmentation difference in his eyes. Deep green has been replaced with lime, it was a spell. He looks awake and worried, and it frightens me slightly. I surrender. I ease out of the tree I was hiding behind and stand with my hands up, as if I'm a criminal.
"..Hi.." He looks confused when he sees me.
"Hi? So..what are you..doing here..?"
"I don't know. I guess I just wanted to see what your house looked like. It's really nice."
"Thanks. You know, you could have just sat down or something. There was no reason to hide."
"Oh..Well, it's too late for that now, isn't it? Heh.." I weakly laugh.
"Yeah, I guess so." There's nothing more to say, I think, but then I'm forced forward by my heart and my brain, telling me there's a whole other story I need to tell now. Benny watches me apprehensively. He's probably worried I'll bite him. I soften my tone, struggling with the first words, but then they come easily.
"H-hey, Benny..c-can I tell you something? I just need to get it off my chest." He relaxes, and flashes me a smile of his.
"Of course, and don't worry, I won't tell. I've never told one of Ethan's secrets to anyone before." I sigh, relieved.
"Well, this is kind of hard..." And then, " and he..raped..me..I never wanted to be a vampire..but it wasn't my choice." Benny's smile turns to rage, and animalistic expression resides in his irises. He is mad, furious, angry. He probably doesn't believe me, he probably thinks I'm a slut, and I think he's going to yell at me, but then his expression softens and he pulls me into his arms.
"Thank you..so..much. I know how hard it must've been to tell me that and I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me. That is..so horrible and I can't understand why someone would do that to anyone, especially someone like..you." He pulls away from the hug, looking horrified. He sputters. "I'm so sorry. That was so insensitive of me! I completely ignored the fact that you probably wouldn't want a guy hugging you or anything after..what happened." He looks down, ashamed. I scream. Rippling, tearing, animal sound. It comes from the pit of my stomach. From rage and anger and horrible self-pity and sadness, and then I collapse on the ground. Benny's eyes open wide and I feel him collapse to the ground, too. He falls like the broken remains of a burned down building, holding my hand when he comes down. He apologizes another ten times before I convince him why I screamed and that it wasn't his fault. Sensitivity and understanding cloud his video-gamer eyes, I see a side I've never seen before, or even imagined existed. He is being understanding, serious, a good friend.
Tears roll down our faces and sorrow drains from us both. I scream again because the rage has been bottled up again by this point, animals noises erupt from my throat, as fiery tears run down my face. He wraps his arms around me and then there's silence. He brushes my hair out of my face, whispers softly.
"You..deserve so. Much. Better. You are beautiful and caring and lovely and you do not deserve this. Don't be afraid to love again. I'm so sorry that happened to you..Do you wanna talk about it?" I can't help myself. My lips crash onto his, and I hold him close. This nerd that I've been insulting for months is the sweetest man I have ever met. I allow myself to gaze in his eyes before declaring "No. And don't worry..I'm not afraid to love again." I kiss him on the cheek and depart, knowing that I've finally set myself free, and that it will be better tomorrow. I wave to him with a smile and flit away. No more animal noises threaten to yell out, no more anger.
I wrote this after reading 'Speak' the second time. It's an amazing book by Laurie Halse Anderson. And I was thinking "What if.." About what happened with Gord and Erica in the closet when he bit her. I hope you enjoyed this. After Benny/Ethan, Erica/Benny is my favorite pairing ^_^.