Steam wafted up from the water's surface in translucent sheets. The crystal clear liquid was almost as still as the air within his lungs. Strong, weathered hands tightened around the wooden edges of the tub. Velvety lids framed with thin, serious brows, finally tired of the same crimson images before them. Closing his eyes, he rested his head back against the edge. The water delicately lapped at the ends of his black hair. Each of their faces waltzed across his visage again…
Eld Jinn's lithe maneuverability amongst the trees. The ferocity of Gunther Schultz salute to his fallen comrades. The smartass smirk that almost always braced the thin lips of Oluo Bozado. Then there was Petra… Petra Ral, with large light brown eyes swimming in innocence and hope. The comfort of her smile and the faith that she had placed in her commander… A commander who had failed her in the end.
A black hole of rage and guilt began to mutate within his gut. Subconsciously, teeth ground teeth, knuckles changing colors painfully as the wood of the tub very lightly cracked beneath his powerful grip. Eyelids, which were now shut so tightly that excruciating shots of agony tickled his temples, suddenly flew wide open. In a chaotic flurry of water and steam, Levi shoved up into a sitting position, punching the bathwater before him as his lips parted with an agonizing yell. His heart pounded so monstrously within his lean, chiseled chest that he feared it would explode from him, seeking escape or safety from the demons that plagued his mind.
How many people had he seen die so violently? How much blood had been spilt in this ridiculous quest for answers, for freedom, for just some motherfucking peace of mind? How much more will be spilled before everyone is fucking satisfied?
Raising a palm full of water, he slapped the moisture over his face and rinsed away the madness that threatened to defeat him. Not yet, he whispered. I can't, not yet. After taking a deep breath, his brows furrowed with determination.
Nodding once lightly to himself, he stood up from the hot bath. Water rolled down the curves and crevices of his strong, scarred body. Swinging his legs over the edge, he walked to the small table in the corner and snatched up a plain white towel. After brusquely drying himself, he wrapped the material around his waist and stepped out into his bedroom. He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the tension from this burden of death starting to chafe away his existence. Bare feet enjoyed the coolness of the wooden planks of the floor. When he lifted his head, he stopped moving and narrowed his blue eyes. Intimidation and irritation instantly washed away the guilt and anger.
Her left leg lay folded on its side, while her right leg hung from edge of the bed, kicking the frame in an almost musical rhythm. Turning her face to him, she smirked once at the Heichou. Her demeanor was very natural and her voice practically disinterested. "Did you enjoy yourself?" Recognizing the routine, the mad scientist felt utterly at ease.
Tightening his lips, Levi continued to glare at the pest that had dared to invade his personal space. The mounting irritation threatened to overwhelm his already touchy emotions. Folding his arms across his chest, his brows wrinkled just a tab bit more. "The fuck you doing here, Specs?" He barked, not bothering to hide his agitation.
Hanji pulled her dangling and dancing leg up onto the bed. Folding them Indian-style, she smiled wider. Raising her index finger at him, she sat up straighter. "Science of course!" She replied cheerily like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Get out," he almost immediately shouted. Dropping his hands to his sides, he strode over to the dresser on the opposite wall of the bed. With his scarred back to her, he fetched a pair of comfortable black flannel pants, tossing them over his shoulder. "Do your damned science tomorrow."
After slamming his drawer shut, Levi turned around and faced his comrade. Their eyes locked briefly. Taking note of her expression, he realized that she was analyzing him again and it irritated the commander to no end. Tensing his jaw, he forced his gaze from hers and took in her casual appearance—a grey-green tank top hugged the feminine curves of her torso well while her legs were wrapped in the cropped pants of her uniform. Her feet were bare and her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail.
After another few seconds, he turned his face from her entirely. She could almost pass for a normal woman, he thought with mild amusement. Looking out the large window, Heichou saw the big ass moon in all its bright glory and felt his heart sink. How many nights had he spent, similar to this one, with his squad tweaking the final details of the upcoming plan of action? How many evenings such as this did he spent with them, drinking coffee and trying to find some way to make their work, their existence meaningful?
Sighing heavily, Levi turned back to Hanji and began walking towards her. "What the hell are you doing here anyway? What if someone saw you creeping in here?"
Snickering lightly, she gave a small shake of her heard. Feeling his presence upon her, the mad scientist looked up and smiled at her dear friend. He leaned down, burning those raging eyes into hers, and it made her heart skip. His expression was tense, ready for an interrogation, but when their gaze met again, she could feel an inner demon that mesmerized her, holding her hostage to their intensity. Silence lingered awkwardly in the air as Levi continued to just… stare. Swallowing back the lump that blossomed in her throat, Hanji found herself moving towards him, as if drawn by the strength of his closeness.
Reaching out, the short commander grabbed her temples with his fingertips and forced her face away from him. "You're such a pest," he whispered into her ear, agitation obvious. "Keep your damn eyes shut." Stretching out into a full stance, he pulled the towel from his waist and tossed it lightly to the foot of the bed.
Her laugher resonated within the room, alleviating the insanity that was her frozen heart. "I don't know why you're so shy. It's not like I haven't seen you completely naked bef—"
After slipping into his pants, he seized her arm roughly and heaved her off his bed, dragging her to the door.
"Wait! Heichou!" She pleaded, digging her heels into the hard floor. Hanji cringed as the skin on her feet chafed and burned. Slamming her sprawled fingers against the hard muscles of his thighs, she shoved and shoved in a vain effort to stop him. "Levi, please! Please, let me stay!"
"I won't be your fucking experiment again, Hanji." He snapped at her, giving her another shove towards the door. "Get out. We have an early morning tomorrow, you know that." The Lance Corporal watched as her trembling hands pressed against the wood, with head bowed. Folding his arms across his chest, he awaited the half-assed excuse he knew was to come, but instead he was given silence. Taking one step closer, he braced himself. If I have to throw her ass out— the thought was left unfinished.
Slowly, almost like an animated corpse, the quirky scientist turned about. His hollow, blue eyes widened as he was rendered speechless. Normally large and excited brown eyes were glazed over with a watery film. Her bottom lip quivered. Hanji's hands had fallen to her sides like heavy burdens weighing her down. Levi watched as the fine lines of her neck shifted, the swallowing of another painful lump.
"I… can't be alone," she whispered faintly.
The façade of stoicism that the commander was known for, remained entirely loyal, even at a time such as this. When she lifted her head and stared longingly into the piercing look he gave her, Levi felt his chest tighten, but never allowed anyone to see. In that one moment, their eyes exchanged words that their mouths could never utter. A grief so blatant, so powerful, and alive was etched in the tears that began to roll down her olive-tone cheeks. Inhaling deeply, he turned his back to his comrade and nodded towards the bed. "You touch me, I'll fucking cut you."
After what felt like hours of staring at a blank ceiling, which offered him nothing more than a canvas for the horrid images that pranced across his visage, Levi forced his eyes shut. He focused on the nothingness that filled the room and tried to make himself fall into deepest slumber. He had to sleep. He needed to sleep. But… in order to sleep, he first had to forget all of those goddamned faces.
"I don't think anyone ever expected them to die," Hanji spoke quietly to no one in particular. "Not like that. I feel that… it's becoming easier to overlook the people who give their lives so easily for us. It's almost as if all of those faces are turning into the same blood-smeared blur."
The Heichou remained silent, but continued to listen, those portraits of his squad dancing once again.
"We are always fighting, always surviving that I feel we don't get… no…" softly, Hanji rolled her head from side to side, disagreeing with the thoughts that haunted her mind. "We don't take the time necessary to properly say goodbye."
"What will saying goodbye to a bunch of corpses bring you?" Levi questioned, his tone seeming casual. Velvety lids remained shut, hands entwined beneath his head, his breathing as calm and natural as ever. The silence stretched on for what felt like eternity before he continued. "Scientifically speaking, what would taking precious time away from surviving, just to say goodbye to a bunch of dead bodies, really bring you?"
Hanji rotated so her entire body faced him. She curled her legs up and gawked at her friend. Half expecting such a bullshit answer, she was disappointed, nonetheless.
"Saying goodbye won't bring them back. It won't give their deaths any significant meaning. It doesn't make it easier to accept." His lids slid back. Levi turned his head and lowered his voice just a bit. "There will always be dead bodies in the wake of what we do. Saying a few half-assed words for them won't do anyone any good. People die, Hanji. Soldiers die. That's what we are. Lingering in thoughts of the dead will only make you weak."
"Are you telling me, Heichou, that you felt nothing for them when they died? Were they not hand-picked for your squad? Yet, you feel nothing… in the wake of their death, their spilt blood, nothing at all?"
Tsking, he shifted giving her his back. What she could not see was the tightening of teeth upon teeth and the furrowing of thin brows as the guilt of their loss ate away at his very soul. The scientist did not see this. All she heard were his words and tone of routine irritation. "Quit the bullshit talk. I'm going to sleep."
Levi tried to focus on anything, everything that wasn't the grief that was breaking him down. For the first time in years, he was being affected so severely that he could feel it in his bones and he hated every second.
Feminine chuckles fluttered to his ears as the bed shook with light movement. "I forgot that, scientifically speaking, Heichou-san doesn't have an ounce of human emotion in him. For a man who can cut flesh as easily as one would a block of cheese, what is grief?" Her eyes watered and her throat burned as the snickers mutated into mad bouts of laughter. "Here we have it, the world's shortest nonhuman. Pardon me sir, but I think the real titan here may be you… not Jaeger…"
Hanji gasped loudly as her wrists were suddenly pinned to the bed below her, with excruciating pain no less. The strength of his arms were coursing through his fingertips as they sunk deeply into her skin, squeezing her thin bones with unrelenting rage. The weight of his body hovered above her and her breath stilled within her.
"Just shut your fucking mouth!" He spat through gritted teeth.
The moonlight that poured in through the window, made Levi's complexion glow. The muscles in his neck were taut with tension and fury that Hanji had not witnessed in him for a very long time. The small wrinkles of his furrowed brows and the murderous gleam in his ice-cold glare, made her shiver uncontrollably.
"Just…shut up." He repeated without the pressure of clenched teeth. "What do you want me to say?" The commander's voice remained low, but the anger was untamed and alive. "Tell me, Specs. Just what the fuck is it that you want to hear from me?"
A small ball of moisture rolled down the side of her face. Licking her lips, she allowed them to fall open in a compassionate yet sad smile. Quietly, Hanji admired Levi. She admired his despair. "I want to know that you're human…" she whispered.
His brows relaxed ever so lightly. Sliding his hands up, he linked his fingers with hers and squeezed even tighter than before. "Do I not feel human to you?" He leaned in closer to her and glanced to her open mouth. "Does the heat of my breath feel like a damned titan to you?"
Hanji gasped again as she saw the blue of his melancholic gaze look almost silver against the lunar light. She was speechless.
"Do you think those things are haunted by the people they kill? The people they rip apart with to fucking pieces? Do you honestly believe that the faces of the men and women that they grind up with those damned teeth even linger in their minds for one fucking second? Do these faces and smiles creep into the corners of their mind like some fucking ghost?"
Brown eyes grew as words continued to elude her.
"What would you have me do, Hanji? Would you have these ghosts eat me alive with their memory? Should I break down and allow these hollow memories to consume me? If I did that then who the fuck would hunt down those titans that you love to prick and prod at? Who would save the dumbass people from giving into their own fears? What would become of this pathetic trace of humanity then?" Levi lightly grazed her lips with his, and continued, whispering into her. "Would a damned titan really consider all of that?"
She swallowed.
"Tell me, Specs."
Closing her eyes, Hanji exhaled against his warmth and dug her nails into the back of his hands. She wanted so desperately to pull him against her, to wrap him up securely and comfort the bulk of the pain that the commander must have been carrying… and for so long. When she arrived here this night, she wanted him to unload some of his burden, even if it was for only a simple second. To alleviate the despair and the agony that must have been compiling. A part of the scientist just wished to know if the Heichou truly was ready to move on as he so acted to the world before him. Hanji had to know if Levi was the cold-hearted beast that every single person had believed him to be. But as she lay here, beneath him in such a state, the woman came to realize that this experiment wielded results that her heart was not prepared to stomach.
He pressed his forehead to hers, with veiled eyes, and she still could not find the words to comfort him.
"Hmph," he scoffed. "Maybe those bastards really do have it right. To be so fucking numb from all of this is the smartest way to survive, the only way to survive." Raising his head, he looked deeply into her eyes, the arctic mask of his stoicism being pieced back together. "If we allow ourselves to care that much, then we allow ourselves to fall victim to fear. If that makes me a monster… then so be it."
Levi's misery filled Hanji with a new sense of determination. Deepening the penetration of her nails into his flesh, she absolutely refused to let him escape her. Inhaling slowly to steady her erratic pulse, she forced the words from her throat.
"Then allow me, Heichou… Levi, allow me to help you."
Lifting her head off the pillow slightly, she kissed his left cheek tenderly. "Please, allow me to help you feel human." She kissed his right cheek. "I will bear your pain with you." Hanji pressed her lips to his and prayed to whatever spiritual being that may have existed, to watch over them, to ensure that he would never have to feel such agonizing emotions ever again.
After reading this in the manga and then seeing it in the anime, I had to write this story. I hope it came out okay and managed to illustrate how I, personally believe, that Levi must have been feeling. I also really ship him with Hanji. I can see her understanding him in ways that no one else could. Anyway, thank you for reading this. I appreciate it.