You're dreaming. You know it's a dream because you're relaxed and he is here. The dream is familiar; you started it having soon after you regained the notebook. The dream always starts like this; the two of you are enclosed in a white room that's empty. There are large windows on every side so you don't feel trapped and you seem to be above a city. You can tell it's nighttime because you can see the lights flashing below. Every time is like a new time, and the L here doesn't seem to remember anything that's taken place before in previous dreams.
Nothing is happing, really. L is just sitting there on the floor watching you. Then again, he always does that. You realize, as you always do, the difference; you aren't bound by a chain anymore. The shackles are gone. But that's not the only thing that's changed; the tension…there isn't any. It's evaporated. You feel the same relief that at last you can relax.
"Light-kun is happy," L remarks from his seat on the floor, his eyes gazing soulfully at you. You don't think you'll ever tire of it. You can't deny that you're grateful he doesn't call you Kira-kun here.
"Yes," you say automatically. "I am. Are you?"
L ignores you, which doesn't bother you. You try to be annoyed but find you can't be. Not here. "Light-kun is happy because he is free."
"Yes." You raise a handcuff-less hand, feeling uncharacteristically giddy. You feel like flying and wonder every time why you aren't.
"I wonder why Light-kun dreams he is a prison cell."
You look around, unnerved. That's new. But he's right. Damnit. Why does he always have to be right? You control your facial features and say coolly, "Get out of my dream."
L just looks at you, seeing everything you don't want him to. "You don't want me to leave." He raises his hand and shows that he is chained to a chair. You have no recollection of a chair or a chain. Is it a new dream then? You simply accept it and wait for the dream to play out.
You sigh and walk towards a window, admiring the view. Standing here, you feel like a god. You love this feeling, wanting to wrap yourself up in it like a blanket.
"Light-kun wants to kiss me," L remarks, seemingly from nowhere.
You whirl around, eyes widening against your will. Yes, definitely a new dream. Usually, the two of you would make polite meaningless conversation. Whatever, you think. It's your dream. And he's right, again. "Yes, L, I've always wanted to do this."
You aren't one to hesitate so you bend down and the two of you share a kiss. It's sweet, just like you always imagined it would be. The kiss doesn't last for a long time, but long enough for you to reflect. You think that this dream is nice, kissing L is even nicer, and that maybe…it could work. The two of you are brilliant; surely you could find a way... You mentally scold yourself, amused at how sleep deprived you've become if you're starting to think it could actually work.
"Light," and you feel absurdly pleased that he dropped the honorifics, "call me..." he then whispers the one name that means more to you than your own, gives you the key to your new world.
You draw back first, pleased when he leans forward to prolong the kiss.
Another time, another place, perhaps. But if it had been any other time, you might have never met. You think you could love him, you know he loves you. At least, in this dream he does.
Someone is calling your name. Your chest tightens when you wake up to see his blank eyes, the sort of darkness that captures your soul and twists it around until you almost slip up, that's the sort of darkness you find in his gaze.
"Kira-kun was crying in his sleep," L reports, a creepy smile on his face.
You wonder, slightly bitter, if the concern you hear is a figment of your imagination. You sigh and turn over onto your side, the need to escape overriding your need for confrontation.
You want to go back. Back to sleep, back into your dreams. Where L smiles at you, strokes your hair as one would a beloved cat, and whispers as he kisses you, his real name.
Someday, you think. Then you stop yourself before you can think anymore. No, not someday. Never. Because L is right and you are Kira. But first you're Light Yagami, ace student and all around prodigy. You never lose.
You think he loves you, but there's that snide voice that whispers it's Kira he loves more. You can't let him see how much it hurts, can't let him know he's won. And in the end, that's all it is, isn't it? All it comes down to is winning. And how can you tell him you don't want to play anymore? That you can't.
You slip back into sleep, back into a familiar white room overlooking Japan at night. Only L isn't there. The illusion has been shattered and not even in your dreams can you repair it. And you can't pretend it doesn't hurt either, not here. That's the only problem with dreams, you muse, standing by the window, you can't lie, not even to yourself.
~Fin