Commence Diary entry of Arnold J. Rimmer:
Date: Whatever the smeg it happens to be.
Text:
I don't know what Lister's problem is. I mean, you wipe out all of the inhabitants of a civilization, and suddenly you're a bad person. What I'm saying, is that he's missing the big picture. And that picture… is that we won. The good side won. But he won't listen to that, will he?
After all, I didn't jump ship and join the winning side, the side with all of the strongest and most brilliant fighters on it, did I? No, I didn't. Not even when I learned they had Hitler on their side, who is, let's face it, one of my all-time favorite dictators. I'm sure he'd have a lot to say about the attainment and retaining of power…. Though I do sort of regret not getting his autograph before that whole nasty, being blown-away business.
I also didn't scarper on over and tell them our plans to get in good with them, did I? Although, I probably wouldn't have done it personally, you understand. A commander's place is in his barracks! But I could have sent a droid over to do it for me…. Not that they would have, considering probable loyalty…. And I'm not really sure about Kryten's loyalty, but the point is, I didn't even ask him. But do I get credit for that? No.
I mean, yes, maybe my methods were a bit heavy-handed, a bit too avant-garde for the tenderhearted, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You don't win wars sitting on the sidelines drinking tea and chatting about the latest film! But it's no surprise Lister doesn't see that. No respect for strategy and cunning. *Sigh.*
Geniuses are never respected in their time, but I hold out hope that one day I'll be listed in the history books alongside Napoleon and Alexander the Great as one of the greatest military minds in history. Though good old Alex never had to deal with the likes of Lister holding him back. I bet he never had to brush grotty socks off of his invasion plans or wade through forests of dirty laundry and empty lager cans! I ought to get a special notation for what I go through on a daily basis.
*Faint sound of a door opening and closing.*
What the smeg do you want, Lister? …Well what does it look like I'm doing, conquering France? …Oh, ha ha, very funny. Now if you don't mind, I have to get back to…. Wait, no! Lister, don't touch that!
*Sounds of shuffling and a crash.*
AUTHOR'S NOTE: A little ficlet of my most hated RD episode, the majority of which has been sitting on my computer for over a year. (Sorry.) I've always wondered why no one noticed that Rimmer actually stayed with the good guys, but I guess Lister was just too mad at the effects of what he did to see that. In other news, why was paragraph four so hard to write? O_O Blame paragraph four for this piece being so late. *Blames it.*