A/N: Hello! Alright, I'm back. Sort of. If you aren't already a fan of me and have no knowledge of me or my previous writing, feel free to skip this, because it may not make sense. So, as everyone probably already knows, ABY was deleted. It will be back up soon. For information on it, please go to my profile and read Updates- Anyone But You. And If you want to help out in getting it back up as soon as possible, please PM me.
Anyways, New story. I've been thinking about writing this for a very long time. It's not going to be a 'full' story. The chapters most likely will not be as long as ABYs chapters. They'll be anywhere between 2000 on the short end and 5000 on the very long end. It's going to take place over the course of the summer, and will be maybe ten or less chapters unless I get really into writing it. This first chapter is mainly IMs, sorry. IMs are going to play a large part in the story though, as will texts and phone calls. I'm trying out a bit of a different writing style, so if it doesn't make sense, please tell me before I get too into it. Anyways, enjoy DLSS as a distraction until ABY is back up and running.
Drunks, Lovers, Sinners and Saints
Chapter One
Backspace. Backspace. Backspace. As I erased the name from the very last part of my life. Four letters, and four months. It really never should have meant that much to me, but it did. I guess it was all in the way it happened; the way that everything changed in just one small moment. The way we were perfect and then the way we were nothing. But looking back, we were never perfect. We were anything but that. We were dysfunctional, and if I was going to be brutally honest, I had been questioning this for weeks. But it was over now, and I would force myself to move on. To learn, and to grow, and try as hard as I possibly could to pretend that he never even existed. Four months, four letters. February to May. And the missing words after my instant messaging screen name, 'Matt (L)'.
I was sitting on the black swivel chair in front of my desk. I had papers strewn around my room, and clothes all over the floor. My laptop was open on my desk, and I was staring at the screen. To my left was my cell phone. Ring, ring, ring. Just like the last few hours. The caller ID read a ten digit number, one I knew well. The caller ID read a number, that would have been a name if I hadn't deleted it from my contact list hours ago. But I couldn't hear the ring ring ring of the phone, because I had the beat of music in my ears from the headphones connected to my computer. I had the blare of angry broken heart music playing loudly. Loud enough to block out everything but the screen I was staring at. That familiar dun dun dun interrupted my music as I received an instant message on my Lola IM. The box popped up in the corner of my screen, partially blocking the main screen of my Lilly account. Still I stared. I stared at the emptiness. xLilly!-- It should have said Matt(L) after that. It should have, but it didn't. It would have, but it didn't. It could have, but I would never go so low.
+HannahBananah says: Lolaa!
I stared at the message. It was a conference conversation. There were two other people added. Two that I knew of, but didn't really know. But then again, it wouldn't be much of a shock to learn that I didn't really know someone I thought I did. It was happening all too often lately. It was becoming too much of a habit.
+HannahBananah says: Lolaaaaa, you there?
The other two were silent, waiting. Neither of them spoke, or even attempted to. The conversation had an odd awkward air about it that no one besides Miley dared to break. The only reason I moved from my position was to grab the ice tea next to me and take a sip, watching this play out. Those two messages were becoming more lonely by the moment. Everyone felt the tension, I was sure. I was clearly online, and I was clearly watching the screen. Miley wasn't on her Miley account, so she probably didn't notice those missing words that made this all the more weird. She didn't notice those missing words that made this cheeriness almost highly inappropriate. I typed.
!Lolaa.: says: No.
Was that rude? Or was it honest? Was it me trying to tell her I didn't want to talk? Or was it me trying to create an unneeded problem? Was it sarcastic? Was it joking? Did they read it with a smile? A laugh? A frown? Did they furrow their eyebrows, or did they raise them? Was I reading too much into this? Or was I not looking at all the angles well enough? My hands instantly pressed against my forehead, and I breathed in. Calm, collected, happy. Never let them know. Don't let on.
!Lolaa.: says: Haha, of course I am. Uh, Hello everybody?
Fake fake fake. I was so fake. I was acting, sending out the smiles they thought I should have. Was I overreacting? Should I really care this much? Had I ever loved him, and had it really been as sudden as I convinced myself it was? No. I really hadn't, and it really hadn't either. Calm, collected happy. Just pretend. Dun dun dun.
-ShaneGray says: Hi Lola.
' Nate; says: Heyy.
Shane and Nate. Connect three without number three. To be honest, I couldn't care less where Jason was supposed to be. I really couldn't care less that I was supposed to be talking to Shane and Nate either. They were celebrities. So what? Was I supposed to care? Miley was a celebrity, but I didn't treat her any different. Hell, I was a celebrity. And that definitely didn't entitle me to anything special. Proof of this would be today's earlier events. Today's horrible events that would erase a large, hidden part of my life. A part of my life that no one would ever need to know about as long as I pretended. We broke up, thats all they ever needed to know. Thats all I would ever have to say.
!Lolaa.: says: ...Hi.
Awkward and typical. Just like everything else today. Just like everything else from this point on, forever and ever.
+HannahBananah says: Lolaa, :) This is Shane and Nate.
Did she think I was stupid? Or possibly blind? Did she think I couldn't tell who they were by reading their screen names. Connect three, without number three. Hadn't we gone through this already? Introductions were over, couldn't she see that? Maybe she was the blind one. Or maybe she was the one that was right. Maybe I was blind. I must've been if I hadn't seen it coming until then. Until that one sentence that ruined it all. Those four words from those four letters to describe those four months. We're moving too slow. I should have known.
!Lolaa.: says: I know.
Awkward and typical. Just like I had described. No one said anything, and no one made an attempt to. No one tried to ease the tension, and start something at least somewhat normal. But this day was destined to be anything but normal for me. It's events would forever be in my memories. Something that would change my entire outlook, and something that would deeply effect the days to come. Something that would affect this very conversation. It was something that would never let the awkwardness ease away.
!Lolaa.: says: Awkward, much?
' Nate; says: Tell me about it.
Agreement. Something I needed in that moment. I needed someone to tell me I was right. That what I said had some element of truth to it. That I knew what I was talking about. He gave that to me. He told me I was right. That he knew what I was talking about. And it was just a tiny piece of the assurance I really needed. I needed to be told I was right. That what I did was right, because there was no going back. There was no do-overs, and no rewind button. This was it.
-ShaneGray says: Soooo
Uncertainty, hm? Soooo what happens next? The ever unanswered question of life. What does happen next? Which steps to take, and which doors to close. Ring, ring, ring, the cell phone rang. Ten digit number on Caller ID. One glance, and then I looked back. I stared at the screen for so long. The ever present Soooo staring back at me. How was I supposed to answer that? How was I supposed to come up with something to tell him how wrong he was. I did love him, I did. But I really didn't, I didn't. What happens next?
!Lolaa.: says: So what next?
' Nate; says: So what's up with everyone?
!Lolaa.: says: Nothing.
Oh, how I wished. But then again, nothing might be up, but nothing was looking up either.
' Nate; says: Same actually, for once.
-ShaneGray says: Well, I wish I was doing nothing. Actually, technically, I am doing nothing at the moment, but I'm leaving soonish.
+HannahBananah says: Agreed. I have a magazine interview in about half an hour.
!Lolaa.: says: I cleared my schedule for today. I'm not up to much.
+HannahBananah says: Well clear your schedule for next Saturday too :)
!Lolaa.: says: And why is that?
+HannahBananah says: Becauseeee! Nate and Shane are going to be in Malibu.
!Lolaa.: says: Point being?
-ShaneGray says: Ouch Lola. That hurts.
!Lolaa.: says: No offense, but I don't really know you guys. We've never talked before now.
' Nate; says: True enough.
And it was true. Who were they to think they were so important to me? Who were they to say I should care if I saw them or not? Who was Miley to say I should clear my Saturday for them? After one conversation they didn't mean much to me. They weren't worth a Saturday, but neither were the people I'd been wasting my Saturdays on for the past four months.
!Lolaa.: says: I'll see what I can do, alright?
+HannahBananah says: Can't you reschedule with Matt one Saturday?
' Nate; says: Who's Matt?
-ShaneGray says: Yeah, Who's Matt?
+HannahBananah says: Lola's Boyfriend.
!Lolaa.: says: Make that ex boyfriend, thanks.
Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex boyfriend. Ex friend. Ex everything. No more Saturdays. No more hugs. No more kisses. No more I love yous. Not that it ever meant anything to begin with, did it? Did I ever mean it? Were the I love yous anything more than just words out of my mouth? Letters, syllables, sounds without a meaning. Without that emotion. I liked him, I did. But did I love him? I never loved him like she did, that much I knew. And I never would be able to love him the way she did. Never. And I would never want to after today.
+HannahBananah says: Wait, what? When did this happen?
!Lolaa.: says: Earlier today.
+HannahBananah says: Oh?
!Lolaa.: says: We both agreed. No worries.
No worries. I wish that were the case, but its not. Worries. Thats life. Thats my life. That was my life. I can't say I didn't know, because somewhere, I did. I had known, and I had worried. I had worried that I was going to loose him, and eventually, I did on my own terms. The worries had been eating me whole, but I had ignored them until I could no more. Until he confirmed the worries and made them all go away. Made the worries nightmares, and the nightmares fact. But that was all over now.
+HannahBananah says: Ugh. We'll talk later Lilly. I really have to go. Bye Guys!
-ShaneGray says: Ditto actually. See you.
And then they were gone as quickly as they came. Whether it was an IM conversation or life, it was true for everything. Nothing ever lasted as long as I would have liked it to. A few moments and then it was all so suddenly disappearing. Then nothing. The same nothing that was looking up for me.
I leaned to the side and grabbed the glass of ice tea off the desk. I stared at the screen again. Back to square one. The conversation was open, the last few words reading back at me. At the top there was a bar. One that clearly read, You do not have ' Nate; on your contact list. Click here to add him/her. To click, or not to click, that was the question? Well no, not really. It was a really bad remake of Hamlet, thats what it was. And the uncertainty came again. Soooo, what comes next? And before I clicked, he did all the work for me. The box I had been staring down moments ago disappeared, and a brand new one popped up. ' Nate; has added you to his/her contact list. Accept or Decline? And I chose the only obvious answer. I accepted it just as well as I had accepted every other aspect of today. I took the change for the better and gave it a chance. Thats what change is all about, isn't it? Chances, and taking those chances without ever looking back and regretting it.
' Nate; says: Well, hello again.
!Lolaa.: says: Wow. It's been forever, hasn't it?
' Nate; says: Oh, of course. Ages.
!Lolaa.: says: Aren't you oh, so interesting today.
' Nate; says: My bad. I didn't know I was supposed to be.
!Lolaa.: says: Entertain me.
' Nate; says: Why do I have to do the entertaining? :P
And I smiled. It wasn't anything corny as if it was the first smile in three years, or at all that day. It wasn't as if I'd endured a horrible, horrible tragedy and he'd made it all better. It was a smile. Not even a full one, just half a smile. A simple smile that had been waiting for someone to pull it out anyways. It wasn't him. It just was. It was the sarcasm in his words and the smile in his own text. How could I not?
!Lolaa.: says: Well, at least tell me something interesting.
' Nate; says: I'm not interesting, trust me. You tell me something.
!Lolaa.: says: I once had a goldfish named Nate.
' Nate; says: Haha. Thats random, not interesting. You fail.
!Lolaa.: says: But random is interesting, so it's technically a double win.
' Nate; says: Oh, your good.
!Lolaa.: says: Tell me something I don't know.
' Nate; says: Well, I've never met someone with purple hair until now.
!Lolaa.: says: You haven't met me yet, DF.
' Nate; says: DF?
!Lolaa.: says: Well, it means Dead Fish, but for your sake, lets pretend it means Doll Face ;)
' Nate; says: I prefer Doll Face, cutie ;)
!Lolaa.: says: Who wouldn't?
' Nate; says: Touche.
!Lolaa.: says: :)
And I did smile. I really did. Actually, I hadn't stopped. That half smile had become a three quarter one, and here we were. I couldn't place my finger on exactly why I wasn't frowning and droopy, and sad. I had an ex boyfriend, and free Saturdays. No hugs, kisses, or I love yous, and yet I was okay. I was okay with that, because he had never loved me either. Not like he had loved her. And that was okay, because I didn't want him to love me like that. I never loved him anyways.
' Nate; says: So what're you up to Miss Lola?
!Lolaa.: says: Talking to you, Mr. Nate. What else would I be doing?
' Nate; says: Well, I figured your life must be at least a tad more exciting than mine.
!Lolaa.: says: Oh, its not. Trust.
' Nate; says: Well, isn't that a ton of fun.
!Lolaa.: says: Extremely.
' Nate; says: Aren't we interesting today?
!Lolaa.: says: Tell me about you :)
' Nate; says: There isn't much to know. I'm seventeen. I'm a musician. Thats about it. Tell me about you.
!Lolaa.: says: Theres even less to know. I'm seventeen. Thats it.
' Nate; says: I'm sure theres more to it than that.
!Lolaa.: says: Nope. There isn't.
' Nate; says: Well, there must be more than what the tabloids say.
!Lolaa.: says: The tabloids talk about me? Wow. I didn't know I was actually important.
' Nate; says: Of course you are! Don't you know? I read them specifically for you :P
!Lolaa.: says: Oh hilarious, Nathaniel.
' Nate; says: I'm quite the comedian.
Ring. Ring. Ring. The cellular device sang out yet again. I didn't even spare it a glance as I let the smile continue to spread with each message. This was just the distraction I needed. With each dun dun dun it drowned out the ever present ring ring ring with the sound of music in the background. And I grew to love being Lola with each message, and liked being Lilly less with each call. Lola had no problems, no worries. She and her boyfriend had had a mutual break up, and she was perfectly fine. No matter how hard Lilly tried to pretend, she wasn't fine. In the last twenty four hours she had gone from perfect to horrible, and just plain insecure. She loved being Lola. This was so much easier.
!Lolaa.: says: That you are.
' Nate; says: So tell me something.
!Lolaa.: says: Why don't you tell me something.
' Nate; says: Well what would you like to know? ;)
!Lolaa.: says: A secret.
' Nate; says: What kind of secret?
!Lolaa.: says: An embarrassing one.
' Nate; says: Hmmm. I can't say I have one.
!Lolaa.: says: Oh come on. Everyone has one.
' Nate; says: Then you tell me one.
!Lolaa.: says: Nu uh, I asked you.
' Nate; says: Ladies first.
!Lolaa.: says: Oh no. Your not allowed to pull that one on me.
' Nate; says: I wasn't aware we had rules.
!Lolaa.: says: We did. Since 1962. :P
' Nate; says: We weren't even born in 1962!
!Lolaa.: says: Don't get off track Mister. Where's my secret?
' Nate; says: Dang. I thought I was home free.
!Lolaa.: says: That doesn't sound like an embarrassing secret to me.
' Nate; says: Well. I have one that could make everything awkward.
!Lolaa.: says: Life is awkward. Deal.
' Nate; says: True.
!Lolaa.: says: Get on with it boyyyy! ;)|
' Nate; says: Well. I think I'm falling...
!Lolaa.: says: Off your chair?
' Nate; says: No.
!Lolaa.: says: Then what?
' Nate; says: For you.
!Lolaa.: says: Oh...
' Nate; says: Awkward. I know.
!Lolaa.: says: No. :) Don't worry.
|' Nate; says: ?
!Lolaa.: says: I have an awkward secret too.
' Nate; says: Which is?
!Lolaa.: says: Ditto ;)
And thats how my next Saturday suddenly became free. But however free that Saturday would be, there would still be the constant ring ring ring in my heart, and the repeats of earlier today. I never did love him like she did, and we never did move quite fast enough, and I don't think I ever would. I don't think I would loose myself for someone who never loved me like he loved her. But he never loved her, and he never did love at all. He loved control, and manipulation, and getting what he wanted. And it was clear, if I couldn't give him what he wanted, he didn't want me. But that was okay, it was okay, because this Saturday, I was free.
A/N: I apologize for any confusion due to a slightly different writing style. Lilly's Breakup plays a large part in the story and will slowly be revealed. If anyone has any ideas on what you think happened, or how it'll play a large part I'd love to hear your guesses. Anyways, tell me what you think so far in a review. I know it's a little blah, because its mostly introductory. Also, I'm leaning towards all chapters being in Lilly's POV, but I'm still kind of latching onto my old style. So tell me what you'd prefer. Anyways, Review please :)
ps. Anyone wanna help me to think of a last name for Nate? Connect three are not brothers.