More than a feeling.
Disclaimer: Don't own glee. Hope you enjoy! All mistakes are my own and this is not beta'd.
Finn POV
This wasn't happening, Rachel and I - we are better than all of them, she's above all of this, and well at least I thought she was, this is bullshit.
'We can't have couples counseling if were not a couple'. I'm sure I say this with enough conviction to make her realise what this means.
I turn quickly as I can barely look at her beautiful face - I can see her eyes pleading with mine; trying to convince me we would get past this, but we couldn't get past this, at least I couldn't – not for now, maybe not ever. The thought of 'Finn's Rachel' only being 'Finn and someone else's Rachel' tore through my chest. Regardless of how much I love her I know I can't be with her knowing what she did to me.
She attempts to justify her actions but I dismiss her comments promptly and summon up the strength to respond to her, we both know what's coming; I turn once more in her direction and say the words knowing it's the end, it's final. I try to ignore her saddened look - she looks almost as broken as I feel.
I hear the words come out of her mouth 'You said you'd never break up with me'.
Did she actually say that? Does she not realise I never thought I would, I never wanted to probably would never consider doing so but not now, now I have to. This wasn't part of that deal, cheating was never part of the deal!
'I never thought you'd make me feel this way' I can barely whisper it, but I make sure the words come out.
As I let those final words slip through my mouth I genuinely mean them, she'd broken us – she'd broken me. I turn fast, choking on my own saliva – my Adam's apple swollen in my throat with the gulps I've been taking, trying not to scream or cry or do every emotion boiling through me. Everything appears suddenly in slow motion – my brain still registering what my now ex-girlfriend has just confessed to me. People stare at me, having watched our encounter. I don't give a shit though, they can do what they like, say what they like, I don't care. The only person I truly care about just ripped my heart out and shat on it. What the hell matters anymore I question furiously? Expect I already know, in my mind its simple, nothing matters without her by my side.
I'm walking through the school corridors trying to keep pace but I can't, the walls seem to be closing in on me, suffocating me. The thoughts in my head of Puck and the girl who was my Rachel together, it's dragging me down attempting to drown me, the deceit making me feel nauseous. I try and make it stop, I don't want to think, thinking is making me want to punch the wall I've stopped to support myself with. I can sense the tears in my eyes being to form – they sting, the burning in a new sensation like nothing I've felt before.
People are still passing by, giving me those sympathetic eyes, I just want them to piss off and go to hell. I consider telling them my thoughts but my head is going off ranting violently whereas my mouth won't open, it refuses to react back. Underneath it all I accept it's a good thing; I know through the gut wrenching feeling of pure pain that is consuming me, no good will come out of it. My main focus is just concentrating on keeping myself upright. My legs still feel weak, but I see the rest room in sight and keep going, I refuse to show my weakness.
I make it to the toilets and quickly unclench my aching hands, they're white and swollen. The numbness going through me is making me less conscious then I normally am as my fingers are still sore from the grip. I slam the door of the first cubicle I throw myself into and I'm surprised they don't come off the hinges. I can feel my heart pumping furiously trying to fight the breaking running through my veins, but that's nothing compared to the aches going through my stomach. The knots are consuming and painful, the feeling burns at the pit of my stomach.
I realise only now when I'm in the toilet cubicle that I never felt this way about anyone before, Quinn had a special place in my heart, so I was hurt finding out the crap she did. The difference with Rachel is no competition. She has my heart, all of it and it meant nothing to her. I think about Puck and how satisfactory punching the shit out of him will be, and then I think back to Rachel and the tears start to run silently down my face, and this new alien feeing gripping me and actually losing her goes smashing through me.
Sliding down the toilet door I wonder why I allowed myself to fall for her. I was the jock, and she was Rachel Berry, we weren't even supposed to happen. I wonder when I truly started to fall for her, and her craziness. I'm sure that no matter how scared I was, it was as instant as it were real – the first time we sang and she slammed those music papers down. It was some freaky shit but by the end of those rehearsals something had changed, I started to notice her. I'm getting angry with myself now, regretting Mr Shue's six weeks detention offer. I try distracting myself by thinking 'what if' I never joined Glee. Still I couldn't persuade myself to work through my thoughts. I always assumed and guessed that i would be the one messing up. Wasn't I the one that was meant to be the ass? She was little miss perfect – when did she become someone different? I feel a sigh emerge as I acknowledge I couldn't hide out in the toilets much longer.
I conjure up the energy to lift my head resting off the door and it requires much more effort than i expect. I've already decided today was pointless. I need to get out of this hellhole and clear my head. I manage to say 'it will be ok' at least ten times - I know I'm lying to myself, but if convincing myself that I'm ok will get me the out of here without attention, then so be it - I was prepared to act that way. I release a tense breath and slowly approach the sink and wet my tear stained face –attempting to gather some form of composure one final time.
I walk out and see the person who has left me this way a distance away, looking equally crushed but knowing full well she was the cause of this damage. I wonder why she did this to us again, and although I know she was insecure I told her I loved her time and time again. I still can't believe she didn't realise how in love I am with her? How many times would it have taken? I can't understand that she never understood - Rachel was the only person I thought about morning, day and night. I never thought about anyone – not Quinn not Santana, not in the same way. However wrong it was I thought of Rachel even when I was with Quinn. I never wanted anyone as much as I wanted her, I dream about her in every way every god damn night without fail. I find myself asking how she doesn't get it again!
The gut feeling returned and kicked me hard. I wish the love I felt for her would disappear at least temporarily and if I'm completely honest at that moment I wanted her to disappear, I wanted the pain to go away. I quickly glance in her direction and notice she is staring at me – her eyes red rimmed. A part of me wants to comfort her but then I remember the hurt running through me was because of her, and I rush out of school.
The grey sky matches my mood clearly, and the crisp air cuts right through me. The tears make me feel weak but I can't help them. They voluntarily flow freely. I jump in my death trap hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I've risked everything for her but she just threw it all away. I wonder if my happy ending will ever come back, and how we will ever be alright again.
I thought we were a part of something special, I wanted to believe we were a part of something special. I don't know if we can ever be that special again.
A/N I'm so bloody depressed with the storyline. If finchel is unhappy I am unhappy! :( They need to get back tooooggggggetttherrrr ;( ssaddddd me! I'm so angry – I'm not pro Finn btw. I'm gonna do Rachel's POV – if you guys like my one-shot?