"Then why are you still here?" I ask him trying to keep my voice in control.
We are fighting again. Nowadays, it seems to be the only thing we do. The boy I fell for, no longer seemed to be there. He has healed from the scars left by the Capitol still I can't see the Peeta I love.
"Search me!" Peeta replies. I can see him trying to keep back tears, trying to control his voice so it doesn't show the inner pain he must be feeling, that I was feeling as well.
"Go away then!"
He went away. Not far, just by the house next to ours, where I used to live but it seems like he is million miles away and I will never reach him.
As soon as I hear the front door slamming, implying Peeta has gone, I break down into tears. I keep asking myself "What happened?" but there is no answer.
...***...***...
I wake up in the middle of the night, sweating. I had this recurring nightmare that Prim is trying to tell me something, for which she calls me an idiot but I can't understand why. And before she can tell me again, she bursts and all I see is a duck swimming away in a river.
I wish Peeta was here. He would hold me in his arms and everything will be alright.
At least, I hope that's still the case. He hasn't held me for months. We can hardly look at each other now without fighting.
I miss the times when I could tell Peeta anything and his solution would be cake.
And then tears start flowing again when I start remembering all the times he had held me in his arms, the time when he had tried to teach me how to bake cake and the kitchen had to be renovated after that, all those times that I took for granted that now pierce my heart like a knife.
"It was supposed to be forever!" I shout into the night.
...***...***...
I wake up in the morning with someone knocking on my door.
"Peeta, go open it." I say instinctively before remembering he isn't here. Again, the memories hit me and all I want to do is crawl into a ball and cry.
"Go away!" I tell whoever is at the door.
The knocks are more insistent this time.
Maybe it is Peeta. Maybe he has come to apologize and to make everything right.
I run to open it. It isn't Peeta.
It is Haymitch. The worst kind of Haymitch- a sober one.
"So what happened this time, sweetheart?" he asks.
"Personal marital dispute. Doesn't concern everyone." I reply icily. I still am not over my disappointment that it isn't Peeta.
"Blah, blah, blah. I heard you fighting last night and today I wake up and see Peeta living in a different house."
"How did you…."
"Saw him leaving your old house while going to the bakery. He couldn't have gone there for sentimental purposes."
"The fight last night was pretty bad."
"No, seriously?" Haymitch replies sarcastically.
"I don't want to talk about this now. I'm going."
"Where?"
"Maybe hunting. I haven't yet made up my mind where, just away from here for a while."
...***...***...
I do go hunting if that's what one will call it. I didn't hunt animals, my heart wasn't in it. I just gathered some greens and came back when it started going dark. I wanted to avoid running into Peeta who must also be returning from his bakery now so I decided to go from the longer way instead of the shortcut that ran near Peeta's bakery.
But of course, I ran into him at the gate, what once proclaimed "Victor's Village"
"Katniss….."
My heart skips a beat. Maybe there is still a chance.
"What happened? To us?" I ask him before I can stop. The same questions must be going through his head as well. What happened to us? How did we get here?
He opens his mouth to say something. Then stops.
"Maybe we should have this talk inside." He finally says.
I just shrug and don't say anything because I'm scared that I won't be able to stop the tears that are threatening to come if I open my mouth.
Once we get inside our house, we just look at each other, awkwardly. What can you say to one another that will make up for all those of fighting?
"I miss you." I finally say.
He must know what I mean. That I miss us when we were happy together, when we were an inseparable pair, the invincible team and most of all the best of friends.
"I miss you too."
"Then why can't we stop?"
"Maybe we don't miss it enough?" he says it like a question because he wants me to contradict him, to say he's wrong. But I can't seem to open my mouth to do just that. Because I know saying he is wrong will be a lie but I can't say he is right because it will hurt. Because I know however much I miss him, I can't seem to get over our fights. I can't seem to stop saying things that I know will hurt him just like he can't help saying things that tears me.
"How did this happen?" I ask him. How did I stop missing him enough to forget anything, forgive anything?
"I wish I knew, Katniss so I could make whatever was wrong, right. But I don't. I don't." And now I can see the tears in his eyes threatening to spill anytime.
I turn my face away because I can't look at him anymore without crying.
"Look at me, Katniss. Don't turn your face away."
I look at him and now I can't stop the tears. And seeing my tears, he too cannot hold his back any longer.
And then I don't who does it first, but before I know it, we're kissing. But what breaks my heart even more is that the kiss no longer affects me the way it used to. The way it used to fill me and make butterflies flutter in my stomach.
And I know Peeta feels the same because he pulls away. We both are a crying mess. None of us can think of something to say.
"Do you….." Peeta starts but then stops.
"What?"
"Do you think it's over?"
"I don't want it to be."
"Can't have everything we want, right?" he tries to joke. I try to laugh but the sound that comes out is like I'm being choked. Because I'm choking. Choking on my tears, on the memories. I'm drowning.
"What should we do? To make everything right?" I ask him desperately because I'm now ready to do anything to get us back.
"I don't know. Should we…"
"What?"
"Take a break from each other? Maybe if we give each other space, we'll be able to figure it out on our own"
"We are married. We have been married for 7 years. We shouldn't just take a break from each other."
"Then what do you suggest, Katniss. What should we do? Nothing we do seems to make it right, nothing we say makes it right. THEN WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST KATNISS?" Peeta yells.
I realize maybe he's right. Maybe, just maybe, that's what we need now. And then I point out something which might make taking a break a bit difficult.
"We live in the same house, Peeta. Even if one us move next doors, it still will be difficult because however hard we try, we'll see each other almost every day! What do you suggest we do about that?"
"I don't know. Maybe I can take that temporary job in District 1 for a while."
That is a sacrifice on Peeta's part because I know he hated the idea of taking the job when he was first offered it. He just couldn't stand the owner of the bakery who wanted to have Peeta on his shop for a while.
"Or I could join my mother in District 8 for a while."
"Katniss, it's alright. I know you don't want to go anywhere. You are not especially fond of that district."
"No, it's alright. Plus, at least I have someone I know there. It won't be so bad."
He looks at me to judge whether I'm really okay with that.
"Fine. I guess."
And I turn to go to my room to pack and call my mother to tell her about my unexpected visit.
But then I remember something.
"How long? How long is the break?"
"A week? A month? I don't know. I guess as long as it takes."
"Two months." I say because I can't stand the idea of not knowing how long it might take us to heal. Time frame will give me something to begin dealing with.
"Four months." He replies. And I open my mouth to argue but then I check myself. We are taking this break to help us, not destroy us even more.
"Four months."
...***...***...
Four days later I'm on my mom's doorstep. She opens the door and straightaway hugs me.
"Oh my, Katniss. I'm so sorry." She begins.
"It's alright."
"Just stay long as you want. Even if it's a year."
"Mom, it's just 4 months. By that time, we would have definitely figured everything out."
"As you say, Katniss." I get the feeling she doesn't really believe me but I let it slide. I don't have it in me to fight anymore.
...***...***...
I'll post the next chapter when I get at least two honest comments.
And I know Katniss seems attached to Peeta now. They were married for 7 years according to don't just get up and leave. It's a slow process to leave someone who you used to be so close to.
I have wrote this after the last chapter of Mockingjay but before the prologue (which won't happen anyway).