Yes, I actually wrote this. This is the AU nobody asked for or wanted, but here it is, and now it exists. This is actually humor/parody/romance, so Caesar/Koba will be endgame in this, with a side of Gaston!Colonel.
Disclaimer: I don't own the pota trilogy
Once upon a time, in the distant and yet not-so-distant future, there was a grand castle deep in a forest of high trees. A bonobo prince lived within, flanked by his most loyal servants. But he was an arrogant ape, one too often blinded by hatred and quick to violence. His servants loved him regardless, but the same could not be said of the visitor he once received.
She was a human beggar and distraught at the idea of a homosapien within his domain, the bonobo prince struck her with his staff and turned her away. In retaliation, the human- a witch- poked his left eye out and set a curse on him and his. From then on, he would live as a scarred ape too terrifying to look upon and his loyal subjects would stay trapped in those woods with him.
There was only one way to break the curse- if another could somehow accept his flaws and fall in love with him regardless.
"Impossible!" the prince had raged, but his opinion didn't matter to the witch.
And so, for the next ten years, the residents of the bonobo castle suffered on.
Once upon a time, in the same distant and yet not-so-distant future, there was a little town named Muir, bordering on the kingdom of San Fran. The villagers of Muir were a simple little group of humans, chimps, gorillas, and an assortment of other homo-species. Its characters included Tinker the baker chimpanzee, Hunsiker the homosapien pilot, Ursus the silverback librarian, and a cast of other mundane and colorful individuals. But this tale doesn't start with them. Because in every village, there was an odd one out.
For Muir, the Rodman family was its house of black sheep. The grandfather, old Charles, fit in the most. He was a musician and there could never be enough of those. But old Charles had a bout of senility in his elder years and that left his son, William, as the head of house. Will was a scientist, and to the villagers, that was just a special way of calling himself a doctor. If rogue firecrackers, potentially poisonous drugs, or green slime ever hit Muir's roofs, you could bet that the source was Will Rodman. To make things stranger, Will had a son, a chimp he'd raised from birth, and the young ape was as odd as Will himself, if not odder.
The Rodmans had named their chimp "Caesar," a regal name by all accounts. For as long as Will could remember, Caesar preferred to roam about their house and help with his experiments over prancing in the woods and dabbling with his own kind. Maybe it was because of the mixed-species parenting or because he was the only chimp who would rather play chess over climbing trees, or some combination of both. His behavior would have been odd for a Muir human, let alone a Muir chimp.
And the older Caesar grew, the more Will came to wonder if he'd chosen the right name. As his son matured, it became clearer and clearer to Will that Caesar was a rather strapping simian, right down to his soulful green eyes. Maybe too strapping. Because more often than not, the chimp began coming home with crumpled notes hastily stuffed in his pockets. He'd dismiss them as "nothing" but when Will checked, he found an alarming amount of intimate messages scribbled in those notes, ranging from bonobo addresses to mating requests (from all genders, no less). Maybe Will should have named him Apedonis or something.
"No dating until you're eight," Will told him one day.
"I'm nine," had been the answer.
But Will's worries were for naught because there was no ape that could catch Caesar's interest, no matter how pretty the chimp. Then just as Will thought he could stop worrying, he was hit with a whole other sack of worries. Caesar began attracting humans, specifically human men. Malcolm the humble schoolteacher was the first of these suitors and he'd stop by too often for Will's liking. Caesar himself had dismissed his father's worries, but on a sunny spring afternoon, he too had second thoughts.
"There's my favorite ape!" Malcolm said as the chimp left the library, a stack of books in his arms.
"Please, let me help you with that," the man said, Caesar nervously trying to shift out of his way, but Malcom was steadfast in his courtship.
"After this walk, you and I should go to the apple grove," he blabbered, "there are plenty of trees and fruits. We could really get to know each other better."
"Prefer not to."
Before Malcolm could reply, a much stronger bulk of body shoved him away, Caesar's books falling with him. The chimp turned, in time to see his second (and yet most persistent) suitor, Colonel McCullough. In one rough jerk, the colonel had wrapped him in one arm, sunglasses gleaming. And beside the colonel was his steadfast sidekick, Preacher.
"There's my favorite monkey!" he said, commanding and loud.
"Chimpanzee."
"Same thing! I have a proposition for you, Caesar- come with me to the apple grove. This is the time of year it blooms best, you know."
"Malcolm just said that."
"Fuck Malcolm. Who am I?"
"The colonel."
"That's right, and nobody says no to the colonel. No human, no ape, got that?"
"I... have to go."
"Don't regret your choice. You and I, we're alike, Napoleon and Wellington, Romeo and Juliet, and whatnot. You see, I am a prime specimen of the human species, and you? You're the best-looking monkey I've ever seen."
Caesar didn't want to listen on, but Malcolm was standing to the right, Preacher was to the left, and the colonel seemed to be in front and behind him at once. There was no tree in sight, so he was effectively stuck. And he had no choice but to hear the rant that was sure to come. The disturbing rant.
"Every time I see you," the colonel went on, "I think, if only I could tie him up, maybe stick him in a collar, whip him, and make him mine."
Caesar really didn't want to hear this.
"You should be honored to hear this. That's how hard my passion, a man's passion goes. Preacher, tell him."
"Of course, sir!" the young man replied, "nobody's as strong as the colonel, nobody's gunned down as much prey as the colonel, nobody's survived as much as the colonel. You sir, are a model of the human race, the envy of men and the object of women. You're practically the chief of this town!"
By then, a crowd of adoring villagers had gathered by the colonel, more than happy to flaunt his muscles. And seeing the distraction, Caesar quickly gathered his books and scampered away, relieved that Malcolm had also been distracted by that diatribe. Life was like a chessboard and he wasn't sure if he could maneuver out of this one unless the Rodmans fled Muir altogether. But then how would they care for Charles? What of Will's budding relationship with Caroline the nurse? And if, heaven forbid, he did accept the colonel's... proposal, or whatever it was, wouldn't Will be disappointed? But if not, he wouldn't put it past the colonel to blow up their house. And how would he even live with that man?
The idea disgusted him. And still mulling these thoughts over, Caesar came home to see Will on a white horse (and last time he checked, Will couldn't ride a horse).
Father, what are you doing? he signed, too lazy to talk.
"Don't you remember?" Will said, "I'm going on a business trip. Take care of dad while I'm gone and stay away from the colonel."
Caesar nodded, sure he could manage with Charles, but the colonel was another matter.
"I'll be back in a couple days, it's not far, just a little way into the Red Woods."
"Red Woods... dangerous."
"I'll be fine." Will prodded the horse, gasping as it trotted forward. Calming down, he reached down a hand to stroke Caesar's head. "So anything I can get you on the way back? Coconut milk? Banana cake?"
The chimp thought this over. Will usually brought him a gift after returning from these inventor's conventions- he had more than enough state of liberties and chess sets. He remembered passing by Tinker's bakery once- her roses out front seemed to be wilting.
"One," he said, "red rose."
Will raised a brow. "That's all? Are you sure?"
Caesar nodded. Will smiled, patted his head again, and said, "Okay then. A rose it is."
Then father and son parted, the chimp watching as Will rode into the distance and disappeared into the woods. After the sun set, Caesar went inside the house to fix Charles' dinner. As for Will, the horse could only go so far, and soon the sky was plagued by snow and rain so heavy the man was sure he'd die unless they found shelter. Luckily, or not so luckily, shelter was waiting deep in the heart of the Red Woods- a stone castle covered in moss and guarded with gargoyles.
"Let's go in," Will told the horse.
And thus, the tale begins.
Thanks for reading this piece of crack! Hope it was somewhat entertaining!
Some key members of the cast are missing, but that's only so they can be the bonobo prince's (hmm, I wonder who that could be) talking furniture.