Why is Norway so bloody cold?! I'm all for the snow, but come on Lukas! How can you get it up here? You must wank by the fire.
Heh, that'd make for an interesting photo. Sweden with Finland on his knee, Icy playing with their dog, Denmark throwing up in the plant pots and Norway getting it on with his left hand.
But I digress..
The World Meeting is being held in Lillehammer, that's why I'm here, by the way. I'm not here because I'm Norway's personal stalker. That's Denmark's job. Anyway, Artie could just go on his own, but I wanted to play 'Let's run the World' too, so I snuck onto his jet.
How unfair is that?! Arthur gets a jet because he's Britain and all that crap, and all I get is a hot pink mini that I have to share! I'll have to have words with Phil. Phil's awesome, he'll buy me a jet. And if all else fails and Phil doesn't get me a jet, I'll ask Boris. Boris looks like a jet man. Well, not jet, more like a golf cart man, but still! I'd rather have a golf cart to myself than a crappy pink car! I'm all up for sharing with David, it's Trevo. He leaves so many Starburst wrappers in that bloody car! Do they make them with crack or something?! He eats them like they'll disappear at any moment! Crazy bastard.
The meeting building is pretty nice. I mean, if I was a building, I'd probably be all over it, but I don't do that, so I'm not.
"Schottland! We'll get put on that verdammt Phony Nation Table if we're seen inside again! It's bullshit! We're way too awesome for that crap!" Prussia screamed at me when I walked into the pretty building. He smells like beer. Interesting. Great! Now I wanna drink too! Something awesome and hardcore, like a bottle of Scotch. Bloody good whiskey right there. Not like Southern Comfort. Stupid America telling me that it tastes good and that I'd like it! Nearly threw up in his kitchen!
"Prussia, no we won't. I'll argue with Arthur, or ask Denmark to find us seats at the proper table seeing how he's banging the host nation, but I promise you, we won't be sat at that bloody table."
Ten minutes (And a broken window) later, Prussia and myself were squeezing our arses on to tiny plastic chairs. This is bloody cruel! We're clearly too awesome for these chairs. We deserve swivel chairs at the very least!
"BRUDER! WHERE ARE THE LEGOS?!" What?! If we have to sit at this bloody Phony Nation table, we want to play with Legos! Don't judge us, Lego is awesome!
"You know you could, oh I don't know, get them yourselves?! And how old are you two, anyway! Lego is for children!"
"Aw, hell no! Lego is the GREATEST toy, ever." I yelled. How dare he bad mouth the almighty Lego!
"Where are the chicks anyway! It's a major wurst-fest in here!" Prussia yelled at no one in particular. Pfft! As if he likes chicks. He's here for the bloody wurst. And I'm not talking about sausages ;)
"I don't know, bruder. Miss Hungary might, why don't you ask here. She's already here!" Germany smirked. Woah. Germany smirking is scary.
"NO!- I mean, I can wait 'til they arrive. No need to ask that crazy, frying pan loving-"
"Crazy frying pan loving what?" Hungary asked, appearing from nowhere with that damn pan in her hand. I don't see why he's so scared of her. I've only met her like, once, but she was nice! And hot, too.
"Did I say that! I meant beautiful, kind and all that crap. DON'T BEAT ME!" Prussia cried. Fucking baby, it's only Hungary! How much damage can she do with that frying pan?
"Listen, Hungary, don't beat his arse. The UST going on between you two is almost adorable, so go and fuck so he can stop looking so scared of you!" See, that speech made more sense in my head..
"UST, huh. Scotty, stand up sweetie." Okay, that innocent look is creeping me out now. Germany's hiding behind the meeting table and Prussia looks horrified, so that really isn't helping either.
"I'm alright, I think I'll stay sat down thanks."
"That's not what I asked you, Scotland. Stand up. Now." I shook my head quickly. I'm really getting freaked out now!
"Aw, what a shame. You have a pretty face, too." She laughed before taking off her apron. Prussia whimpered in fear before running off to his brother. Fuck. I slowly stood up and made to run off, but Hungary grabbed my wrist. Shit, I'm actually scared now. Even more scared than I was when I watched one of Germany's 'private' videos.
"You think you have the option to leave, how cute!" She grinned before wacking me around the arse with her frying pan.
"FUCK! THAT HURT!" I screamed. If Artie doesn't know I'm here now, he never will!
"ROBERT! WHY THE FUCK- Never mind. Miss Hungary, may I have my brother back please?" He asked her all politely. Idiot.
"He's yours? Oh, sorry Arthur, sweetheart! Here you go!" She smiled before throwing me at the floor in front of Artie. Where the hell did she get her strength from? Probably from making Austria sandwiches, LOL!
"Thank you, Hungary." Artie smiled before dragging me from the room. Wait, he smiled at her?!
"Artie and Hungary, sitting in a tree, N-"
"Why are you here! You have no need to be here! I'm Britain! I represent us! Not you, me!" Big-headed little shit, isn't he?
"Artie, I just wanted to play Let's Run the world too!" Artie just sighed before dragging me back in to the Meeting
"Just- Just sit here and don't cause any more trouble, okay?" I nodded and he left. Pfft, jerk.
"What was that about?" Prussia laughed, having taken his seat at the Phony Nation Table again.
"Artie thinks he's so superior because Mum chose him to represent the British Isles. I mean, that doesn't mean he's better! Odin chose Thor, but all the fangirls liked Loki better!" Have you seen that movie? It's awesome. Score one for you Scandinavia, creating awesome Gods! Congrats to Hiddles as well. I love the whole face thing you've got going on.
"Dude, that film is awesome! We should watch it sometime." Prussia grinned.
"All the Thorki UST is hilarious! The Fanfic's are awesome!" Thorki fanfic's are cool, don't hate! They're not technically related, so it's Ok!
"Fanfics?" Prussia just looked confused. Maybe- maybe he doesn't know.
"Yeah, you know, shipping and all that? You've heard of shipping, right?" He just shook his head. He doesn't know! :D
"WEST! I NEED YOUR COMPUTER!" Prussia yelled, stealing his brother's laptop after I'd explained the concept of shipping. Heh, another mind taken over by shipping.
"And so I was thinking, maybe we could- MR SCOTLAND!" OHMYGOD, SAILOR KID! :D
"Why are you sat here, Mr Scotland?" Sea-kid asked.
"It is because, little one, we are too awesome to sit at the normal table!" Prussia grinned, not looking up from the laptop screen.
"You're Mr Prussia! Mr Scotland told me about you!" Seababy said innocently. Aww, he's so adorable :3
"The one and awesome! Right Schottland, explain this pairing to me. I've seen the films, and they hate each other!"
"It's all a lie, they're actually totally in love.
"Aw, look who it is. The outcast. How sweet! Sat at the Phony Nation Table like a good little child! Ahaha!" My God. That accent. It's beautiful.
"Shut up, Romania, you crapwad. We get Lego here." Prussia said, still not looking up from the screen. Why does that name sound familar?
"Romania, your accent is beautiful." I said, stood there like 'Yes, I did just say that!' I know I've definitely heard it somewhere.
"Er, Thanks, I guess? Oh wait, you're Scotland! Artie's brother, right?" Oh crap! He's one of Artie's magic buddies! D:
"You're one of them aren't you? You, Artie and Lukas." Romania just sighed at me. Hey, you arsehole! No one sighs at me!
"I believe and practice magic, if that's what you mean."
"Dimitri, Niki's looking for you! He said something about a hat and some underwear?!" Oh. My. Haggis. Moldova! He's so... like Romania. Hm, those accents. What?! Don't look at me like that! Accents are sexual. Fact.
"I must leave you now, sweet Prussia. I'll send you my love from the Nation table! Bye bye Gil. Enjoy the Lego." smirked Romania, blowing Prussia a kiss as he walked away. My God, I want to lick his face O.O Silly Vampire, making me question my sexuality.
"Don't make me invade Borzenland again!" growled Gilbert. An nice example of alliteration there, lil' kiddies. See, don't let people tell you that Fanfiction teaches you nothing.
"Bruder, the meeting is about to start. Please be quiet." Germany yelled. He's so loud!
"Pfft, who needs them assholes! We'll hold our own meeting!" A ginger kid laughed. Hey, more gingers! Ginger respect, bro!
"Wait, wait. Who are you kids?" I asked. I mean, there's like, a lot of kids here, and I know one. Well, two if we're counting Prussia. Heh.
"They're countries like me!" Child of the sea smiled. Aww :3
"He meant our names, idiot. I'm Ladonia." Holy crap, Ginger child sounds Swedish! :D
"My name is Kugelmugel." That's a dude?! Shit! Lose the braids, kid!
"I'm Seborga!" A very Italian sounding brunet laughed, blowing me a kiss.. Only me that's a bit confused?
"I'm Monaco." French accent, definitely. One of France's ones, maybe?
"I'm Wy." Aha, Wy. As in 'Wy don't I know who she is if she has an Aussie accent? We're practically related!'
"I'm Molossia, asshole. Fuck with me, you'll wake up with a sheep's head in your bed. You got that, you liitle bitch?" Okay! Al Capone over there definitely isn't my favourite person to be near. Scary little thistle.
"I'm Hutt River!" Another Australian? My God, Jack! How many little nations do you need! You've got an Opera house, isn't that enough!
"Aren't you going to tell us who you are?" Kugelmugel asked. Arse. Doesn't he know who I am?
"My name is Scotland, and I'm an alcoho- wait, wrong meeting." I'm totally not an alcoholic! Whiskey doesn't count if it's drunk with ice, that balances it out! Wikipedia taught me that, kids :D
"Well, Scotland the alcoholic, would you like to play poker? Blackjack? Snap, maybe?" Monaco asked, throwing a deck of cars at me. Crazy bitch, she's definitely one of France's.
"If anyone's gambling, they come to me." Molossia growled, busting out a flick knife, flicking it all suspicious like. I'm seriously half expecting him to lean against a wall and start clicking his fingers.
"Not this shit again, Molossia. You are not a Mobster. Nor are you a Gangster. Christ, you watch the Godfather one time, and all of a sudden, you're threatening to bust caps in all of our asses and trying to play Russian roulette with Belarus! You're not a damn gangster!" Ladonia snapped.
"What the fuck is your problem? I know people, bad people. I will fuck you up." Language, child!
"MOLOSSIA! YOU PULL THIS CRAP EVERY MEETING! YOU DON'T KNOW ANY BAD PEOPLE! YOU KNOW AMERICA, THAT'S IT! WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO, BEAT US IN THE RACE TO BE THE STUPIDEST PERSON ON THE PLANET!" Ladonia screamed. Aggressive much?!
"Woah, kids, let's calm down! I don't know who crapped in the box of cereal that you share, but seriously, chill out!"
"Johan, yelling is not art, mein liebe." The non-chick with the braids ask- MEIN LIEBE?! Are they- do they play hide the wurst together?
"I know, min karl k. Es tut mir leid, Ren ." Ren ? That's a pretty girly name.
"Are you sure that you're a girl?" They all looked at me like :| It was a legitimate question!
"Yes, I'm sure."
"But, the braids-"
"I'm sure!"
"And the name-"
"I'm a boy, Mr Scotland!"
"SCHOTTLAND! LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND!" I peeked at his brother's comouter screen and saw him on Google Images looking at Thorki pictures. I taught him well.
"I know, Prussia. I know." I said, all knowingly.
"Er, can I come in here with you guys, please? Big brother tried to shoot France again.."
"Yeah, come on in Lilli." The French one said sweetly. What? I have trouble remembering my own name sometimes, you think I'm smart enough to learning theirs?! I'll just give them nicknames instead.
"Lilli, this is Mr Scotland." Sailor child grinned. So cute ^-^
"Hallo, Mr Scotland! I'm Liechtenstein! " Lil' Switzerland smiled.
"Don't let the adorable exterior fool you," Prussia whispered. "She's all sweet, and innocent, until she knows Schweiz isn't around. Then she's a complete slut."
"I heard that, Mr Prussia! That's not very nice, is it!" Lil' Swiss Cheese said.
"So, does anyone actually want to play cards?" Marie asked. That's probably her name, right? Marie's a french name.
"Can we play strip poker?"
"LIL' SWISS CHEESE!"
"If we're playing Strip Poker, sweet cheeks, it's only gonna be me and you playing." Al Capone whispered into her ear, making her giggle. Everyone that's thinking 'Teen Pregnancy' raise your hand! *raises hand*
"Mr Scotland, why did you just raise your hand?" Sunburn asked. Heh, get it? Because he's ginger :D
"No reason!"
"I'm getting bored! Someone had better entertain me before someone ends up sleeping with the fishes." I really, really feel uncomfortable being in the same room as him..
"Here you go!" Berlusconi smiled, throwing an extremely phallic shaped object onto the table. Aw, he looks genuinely proud of himself. I like him. He's less creepy now!
"I cut a bitch if you're calling me gay, Pizza boy."
"No! You wanted entertaining, right? So I gave you something to do!" He panicked. Damn Italians. Stand up for yourself! Tell him you gave it him so he could go and fuck himself or something!
"Mr Scotland?" What is it with people coming in here? We should just leave the door open!
"And you are?" I've seriously never seen that nation before. Is that bad?
"I'm Ms Slovakia, and Mr Germany sent me to get you. Mr England and Mr Romania threatened to sacrifice America, and now everybody is arguing! Can you come and get your brother please?" She looks like she should be sat with us! She can't be older than 17.
"Again with the sacrifice! Alright, I'm coming!" I say, jumping up from the table and running to the main meeting room place.
"I swear to God, if I hear you've tried to sacrifice someone again, I will bitch slap they eyebrows off of you!"
"SCOTTY HELP!" America cried. Like a little bitch. Heh.
"What did you do, America?!"
"NOTHING!" Liar.
"He mentioned... it." Romania growled. Holy God, that accent is attractive even in growl form. Hmm- NOT GAY!
"It? What the fuck is- Oh for the love of God, Artie." Major Facepalm.
"You know the rules. It doesn't get mentioned. Ever." Baby Brother barked. Yahoo, more alliteration! :D
"Hey. Hey Artie, Guess What?" This is going to either be hilarious, or I'm going to die.
"Don't you dare, Robert." Oh, I'm daring :D
"The Reichenbach Fall."
Now, I'm not saying that my brother's, Romania's and Norway's reaction to that wasn't manly, but I've seen baby deer with more balls than them at that present moment.
They're literally on the floor. Crying. CRYING!
"You- I hate you so much!" Artie cried, literally.
"Yeah, I know! Now come on, man up Artie!"
"Why is England totes crying like a little girl baby? All Scotland did was like, say 'The Reichenbach Fall'!"
"It's an English fangirl thing, Po. There's this show called Sherlock, and in the last episode Sherlock jum-"
"DON'T YOU DARE LITHUANIA! DON'T YOU BLOODY DARE!" Artie screamed. Jesus, it's only a show!
"Listen bitch, I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but if you yell at Liet again, I will like, cut you up into little pieces." Poland growled. Is no one questioning the fact that Poland has a pink skirt on? Just me? Great.
"Then you should tell him to keep his mouth shut, Feliks." Romania snarled. Even in snarl form, it's se- NOT GAY! Think of tits. Ukraine's, to be exact. Hmm.
"Like, hell no!" Poland yelled before bitch slapping Romania. Sassy Gay Poland is hilarious :D
"Fuck that," Romania said, jump-tackling Poland to the ground. "Listen Princess, I will break you if you yell at me again."
"Dimitri, you have five seconds to get off of Feliks." That woman is really scary. Scary Hungary.
"I don't plan to fuck him, Hedevary, you have no business here."
"Don't talk to Ms Hungary like that!" Austria's getting involved now? What can he do apart from forcefully insert a Grand Piano into somebody! Aha, that's good, Scotty.
"Get back to the kitchen, Austria. Or does she keep you on a lead so you can't until she says so?" Romania laughed. Well, at least they're no longer crying.
"We only used a lead twice!" Really did not need that mental image.
"Hey! I'm still like, under here! Eliza! Help!" Poland squealed. I'm still not sure whether Poland is, well, a guy.
"Coming sweetie! Get! Off! Him! Dimitri!" Hungary yelled, whacking Romania around the head with her frying pan after each word, knocking him out cold.
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER!" Baby accent cried, running to Romania's side. See, now that's what brothers are supposed be like! All cool with each other. Last time I was knocked out cold, Artie was the one who did it!
"Nothing, dear Stefan! Just.. smacked him around a bit!"
"Come along Artie." I said, picking up the weeping excuse I have for a brother, taking him to the corridor to calm down.
"Stop crying Artie, you're causing a scene. I'm sorry for mentioning the Reichenba- it, but you can't cry every time someone talks about it!"
"I know." he sniffled. Sniffled? What is he, Five years old?
"Right. Now stop crying, man the fuck up, strut your fabulous self back into that meeting room, and kick some arse for your brothers! Oh, and check that Hungary didn't kill Romania." What? So he's easy on the eyes, it doesn't make me gay!
"I will. I bloody well will!" He smiled, running back into the meeting. Holy Edinburgh Castle, Batman. He smiled. At me! Ahahah!
"Schottland? You here? That Gangster kid just threatened to stab me!" Prussia yelled.
"I'm coming, Prussia!" I yelled back, tripping over my own feet like a pro as I ran back to Prussia, and more importantly, to my special Lego. I frigging love Lego! :D
"If youse is here to cause a commotion, then fingers is gonna get snapped!" Well, a hello would have been good, but I like being threatened when I enter a room!
"I returned for my friend, and for the legos, so please, shut up."
"I will cut you up, Ginger snap!" How can I get through to this ki- I got it.
"Alright, I'lls level with ya. I don't like the way you've been ruffing up my boy here, so if youse like your kneecaps the way theys are, you best be keeping your piehole shut, you got that?" Please God, make that work.
"You know what, I respect you, kid. You got balls, which is more than I can say for these mugs. Next time you need someone taking care of, you come find me." Kid? I'm thousands of years old, you little sod!
"Anyways, I gots to blow this joint. Me and the little lady here have some... business to be taking care of. Come on, dollface." He said, Lil' Swiss Cheese jumping up and following him to a life of teen pregnancy and car theft.
"Mon Dieu. They give love a bad name." groaned Marie.
"Ja, they do, Monaco."
"I have a question." I've been wondering this for a while now.
"Ask away, Mr Scotland." Sunburn called me 'Mr Scotland'! ^-^
"What do you actually do in here?"
"We make potions, and chant around a huge fire, and during the summer and winter solstice, we sacrifice virgins to please the Gods." Marie said, smiling darkly afterwards. What the HADRIAN'S GLORIOUS WALL OF DESTINY?! Oh look who returned. Lil' 'I'm such a whore, I'd sleep with Al Capone for Poker Chips' Swiss Cheese. At least she left that little psycho in the corridor (or in some random closet, which is more likely) where he belongs.
"What is it now, Lilli? Need money for crack?" Marie laughed. She is so like France.
"I'm Ok. You can keep all the money for yourself. Pay off your gambling debts."
"I don't have gambling debts!" Marie screamed.
"Seriously, who let you out of the kitchen? " Oh my God! Lil' Swiss Cheese is a bitch!
"Fuck you."
"Alright, little ladies! You're both pretty, stop arguing!"
"With all due respect, Mr Scotland, what is it that you actually do? I mean, your brother runs all your affairs, so why are you even here?" ...
"Schottland, no. She's really not worth it."
"Coming from the little girl who isn't really any more than a large town that declared itself independent, you really haven't got much room to talk yourself, sweetheart. Run along home to your brother and try not to contract gonorrhea on your way out!"
"SCHOTTLAND! DON'T YOU TALK TO MY SISTER LIKE THAT!" And here comes the man on his period.
"Big brother! They were all calling me names, and bullying me, and I didn't even do anything wrong! They all hate me and I don't know why!" She cried. Like, literally. She started crying. Fake crying. What the fuck is this?
"Schottland, if I ever catch to near her again, I'll put a gun to Hadrian's wall and make you wish you'd never seen the light of day." See, man period! He's so pissy. Pissy bitch.
"Listen here love, that little girl is a complete bitch, so keep her arse out of here." He stomped his foot and ran out of the room. Could he act any more like an upset teenage girl?! I'm half expecting him to eat those chocolates he's so fond of making and to drink Russia's vodka until he's so utterly shit-faced that he drunk-texts Austria about how much he wants them to be friends again. And I mean special friends. (Fuck buddies, if you didn't quite get it.)
"Schottland, run." Prussia said.
"Fuck no, I can tak-"
"Schottland, run. He's getting his favorite. He takes it with him everywhere, and if you don't run, your balls are going to be very well acquainted with it."
"On second thoughts, running sounds good." I spared a second to check the corridors just to make sure an angry Swiss bloke was sprinting up them, then I took off. I ran down the corridor like my life depended on it. And, it kinda dows, in a way. Without my balls, I'm nothing. Just a big sexy hunk of ball-less Scottish eye candy. MY LIFE WOULD BE OVER!
"COME BACK HERE, ARSCHLOCH!" Fuck. Fuck. I havent been this scared since I played Slender in the dark. I cried. Physically cried. Like a bitch.
"YOU MUST BE JOKING!" I YELLED. And I Caps Locked 'yelled' just to show how much I yelled it :D
"AAARRRTTTIIIEEE!" I screamed, running into the meeting room and diving under the table.
"COME OUT AND FIGHT ME! YOU INSULTED MY SISTER!" Like Hell I'm leaving the safety of under the table.
"Vash, my dear, put the gun down. I'll get him to apologize, then no one gets hurt, Ok?" Hungary said calmly. Despite her beating my arse (literally), I like her. She saved my balls.
"Vash Zwingli. I. Am. Sorry." I said, crawling out from under the table. Artie does look too happy. Probably not the best time to demand my independence...
"I didn't believe that for a God damn second."
"What do you want from me, Hungary! I apologized to him! I'm not getting on my knees and kissing his arse!"
"You know what, let's break for Lunch. We've hardly got anything done anyway!" Germany sighed, throwing his papers on to the table, still managing to keep them neat and tidy.
"Oui, I agree with Allemagne." France smiled, throwing his papers on to the table as well.
Lunch time! Hmm, I wonder what's good around here? Maybe some liquorice. Liquorice is pretty cool. Looking left, then right like a bad arse, I ran from the room and made for the doors.
"DON'T THINK I'M FINISHED WITH YOU!" Hungary and Big Swiss cheese yelled in unison. Are they working together or someth- Are they making sexual friction pleasure times? ;)
"SKOTLAND! Wait there!" Denmark. Good ol' Mathias. He won't try and shoot my balls off.
"You wanna go for a few beers? I know a kick ass place that sells good beer."
"Only if the awesomeness that is me is coming!" Prussia laughed, jumping on Denmark's back.
"PRUSSIA! I didn't know you were here! Well now we definitely have to go for beers!"
"What are we still standing here for then? There's beer out therw, and we ain't drinking it!" I grinned. These two guys are brilliant drinking buddies. Prussia buys the strong German stuff, Denmark buys the strong Danish stuff, and I buy whiskey.
This should be an adventure.
(One like Martin Freeman had in the Hobbit! We're off on an adventure like Dildo Baggins! Did I say Dildo? I legit meant Bilbo? :D)