Sasuke Uchiha was having a phenomenally crappy day.
He had woken up in an ungodly hour with his senses tingling. His body having gone instinctively into alert mode, he had reluctantly disentangled himself from the crumpled sheets and sat up.
Only to look into the unblinking eyes of the figure perched on the plum tree right next to his window. The same sight had been greeting his more than usually annoyed self for a while. Sadly, glaring back hadn't worked at all and he thought it well beyond his dignity to physically accost the determined voyeur.
Being an Uchiha apparently attracted fangirls of all kinds.
Unless the offending raven was a he.
His eyelids dangerously twitching, Sasuke got off his bed. He had much more important things to do than speculate about the preferences of an obsessed creature wearing only feathers.
At least this one's were made by kami sama.
*
An invigorating hot shower was supposed to make his mood better. What was definitely not supposed to improve his mood was the jet of stone cold water that spurted out of the shower head, making him hiss with surprise.
Sasuke stoically turned off the tap.
And released a katon jutsu.
The towel being a casualty in this spectacular display, Sasuke emerged from the ravaged bathroom in his birthday suit more ruffled than ever.
The raven was patiently waiting.
He certainly didn't imagine the glint in those disturbing eyes.
Sasuke breathed deeply and put on some clothes.
"Can't chidori the damned bird. Can't chidori the damned bird. Can't chidori the damned..."
*
Moving out of the compound might have been a bit petulant, Sasuke thought, as he boiled some instant ramen. With his current paycheck, he could only afford that stuffy hovel of an apartment with terrible plumbing and no air conditioning.
It was sickening to eat the dobe's favourite at home, but his cooking skills were almost non-existent. It wasn't a problem, however. Apart from the occasional breakfast, he ate outside anyway. Besides, he was always welcome at the dobe and Sakura's place. She was insistent that he had nutritious home cooked meals at least five times a week. Interestingly, her cooking tasted much like oka-san's those days.
Besides, ramen was almost nice with a side of fresh succulent tomatoes.
Sasuke always kept his pantry generously stacked with tomatoes. Tomatoes were his ramen, his luscious balls of Icha Icha.
He fondly eyed the glistening cherry tomatoes plucked from the little patch of earth at his teammates' place. Apparently the dobe had a nurturing hand.
Sasuke popped one in his mouth and chewed, his eyes closed.
He spat it out after seconds.
The half devoured body of a green worm, shining with saliva, adorned the kitchen island along with blobs of red.
Naruto was going to die a slow, painful death.
Unless Nii-san could be somehow convinced to use the Tsukiyomi.
As he madly dashed over rooftops, Sasuke racked his brain for the most traumatizing scenarios. He finally settled on Sakura slowly getting strangled by a ramen monster as the idiot watched on helplessly.
Yes, that'd do.
He would even use his puppy dog eyes, if it came to that.
Nii-san could never resist that.
*
Entering through their bedroom window turned out to be a really terrible idea.
His rage abruptly transformed into sheer horror at the sight of his teammates.
He'd seen them naked before. Naruto in the kiddy pool during their playdates. In a seduction mission gone awry(he had vehemently suppressed the image of a drugged and naked Naruto tied to the headboard with silk ribbons). He'd even accidentally walked in on Sakura once, a feat that had earned him a couple of broken ribs.
But watching his two best friends naked and going at it like monkeys...
Even the sight of an artfully undressed Orochimaru paled in comparison.
Thankfully, his teammates were too busy making disgusting noises to notice him vomit on their window sill.
*
That very evening Sasuke Uchiha moved back into his family compound.