Title: There are worse things I could do
Author: Miarae

There are worse things I could do,
Than go with a boy or two.

Blaise has had me. Draco has. I switch beds like sheets do. Sometimes they fight over me. And sometimes neither of them cares enough to want me there.

Even though the neighbourhood thinks
I'm trashy, and no good,

People must think I don't have ears, because they never bother to lower their voices when they gossip about me. I'm the most despised and envied girl at school. Girls want to be me, because I get to spend time with mister True Love. Hah. Draco is anything but a girls' true love. Sure, he's good at giving love, if sex automatically means love. But it doesn't. I'm not that naïve. I used to be. I used to love him, used to think that if I spent enough time with him he'd love me back. One day. He still wants me to love him, because it'll make him feel better. So I pretend.

I suppose it could be true,
But there are worse things I could do.

I hate him. I hate him with every fibre of my being. I have hated him ever since he made me something that could be bet with. I hadn't known until Blaise came up to me and ordered me to accompany him to his bed. I looked at my betrothed and he just smirked, saying that I ought to go because he had lost a bet. I wanted to scream, to fight, to tell him that I wasn't his to command. Instead I went with Blaise.

I could flirt with all the guys,
Smile at them and bat my eyes.
Press against them when we dance,
Make them think they stand a chance,
Then refuse to see it through.
That's a thing I'd never do.

They've swapped me ever since. Never allowing me to choose, never allowing me to deny them. They don't care enough about me to want to make me feel good, yet they refuse to let me spend time with other guys. I am nothing but a possession.

I could stay home every night,
Wait around for Mr. Right.
Take cold showers every day,
And throw my life away,
On a dream that won't come true.

Yet, things aren't so sad. There are people who cheer me up. One person in particular. It's funny really. He always thought I hated him. He's used to that. It's kind of why I relate to him. I remember the first time we've really talked. We were working in Potions together. I was stirring a potion in our cauldron while he went to pick up some more ingredients. Draco made him trip –I must have smiled at Ron too often– and he broke his nose. Snape couldn't be bothered to fix it, so we were sent up to the Infirmary together. He had to stay there, and I stayed with him. I don't know why I did it, but I did. We talked. About common things at first. Quidditch. House rivalry. How much we both detested people who looked down on others. Things got more serious after that. We talked about expectations, about life. About love. I never thought I'd experience those butterflies in my stomach but somehow his eyes made them appear.

Of course, nobody could know. We were creatures of habit, and even though we hated people looking down on others we did not want to be looked down upon. We met, occasionally. He'd take me up on his broomstick and we'd watch the stars. He'd tell me all the names of the stars, some real, some undoubtedly made up. He never laid a hand on me, chivalrous as he was, and I was too shy to tell him that I wouldn't mind.

I still spend all the nights in either Draco's or Blaises' bed. They touch my body and I close my eyes, thinking about him instead. I feel empty inside, except for the times I spend with Ron. Whenever I'm not with him I am nothing but a thing, a puppet on a string that dances for whomever.

I don't steal and I don't lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I'll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That's the worst thing I could do.

They don't know, nor can they ever find out.

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