First: I'd like to post a trigger warning for abortion.

Second, is the disclaimer: I do not own anything. I'm not making money from this.

Milah's Decision

Her favorite time was nighttime, but it was also the time that frightened her the most. When night came, she would go to bed, but she wouldn't always sleep. Sometimes she thought of her son, sometimes she managed to distract herself. But he was always somewhere in her mind. Even though she was as happy as she'd ever been, there was still that single missing piece that she could never replace.

When she couldn't sleep, she would watch the stars and listen to Killian breathe. It was different to be with him at night, alone in his cabin than out there with his crew. The gentleman was more pronounced than the dashing captain, always quick with an answer, an order, or a quip. Here he was free to just be Killian, the love of her life. He was so different from Rumpel, in every way. He wasn't afraid of a fight, he rather liked them. He was courageous, if not borderline dangerous to himself. And in bed, he was something else.

Milah glanced at Killian then and watched him sleep. He had a light snore, probably an allergic reaction to the cargo they'd recently acquired. Her thoughts kept her up that night, mostly because of decision making. Should she let him know? Should she go through with it or find a healer willing to make some vile concoction that would end it all?

A pirate's ship was no place for a child, on that, all would agree.

She couldn't be exactly sure just yet, but she knew the signs. She'd measured the time, spent a fair number of occasions throwing up over the side of the Jolly Roger, almost to the point where a few crewmembers were concerned. But she was the Captain's and they couldn't refuse her when she said that nothing was wrong and they should leave it be.

Quietly, she began to cry. She missed her son, wondered at what kind of man he would be. Would he take after his father? Or would he be a better man? A braver man, a man – oh, it didn't matter. She would be proud of him no matter what. She wished Rumpel no ill will, but she had never loved him and only now was she able to see just how poorly suited for each other they had been. She had agreed to marry him but she never should have done that. She was just as at fault as he was for the way it ended, if not more so. In a way, she wished she could apologize. But how was she to apologize when going back would –

No. She didn't want to go back there. She didn't want to, she couldn't see him. There she would see all of her son that she had missed, her beautiful Baelfire. "Bae," she whispered.

"Milah?" Killian stirred. "Milah," he sat up and patted the mattress. "Come here. Another nightmare?"

She looked at him and then went to his side. He put an arm around her and drew her close. "You all right?" he asked and kissed her forehead. "You're crying, love." She didn't say anything, she just let him hold her, let him stroke her hair and kiss her softly. "You miss Bae," he realized. Still, she said nothing. What was there to say? Would now be the time to tell him that there was a possibility that he might be a father? Was now the time to ask him if he wanted a child? "Oh, Milah," he wiped her tears away. "One day, you'll see him again. Maybe we could go back and see if he wanted to join us? I know, I know, a pirate's ship is no place for a child, but he wouldn't be that young now."

Milah shook her head. She could hear his words in her head that mixed with the same thoughts that she had thought over and over: this is no place for a child. "I don't want Bae here. I don't want him to be a pirate."

"Oh," Killian sounded offended. "You don't like my profession?"

"I want him to have a life he picked, not one he joined because he wanted to be with me." Milah explained. "I don't want to take anyone's choices and chance at happiness away."

He nodded. "Well, if you ever want to see him, we can probably divert –" he broke off as she kissed him.

It was the reason why she hadn't gone with the group when they went to the tavern. He had told her nothing because he hadn't even returned with the crew, but they had told her about Rumpelstiltskin, about the duel with Killian that was to be. It was all her fault and she had to fix it.

She'd spent most of the night fighting through the cramps and the emotional pain that came with the concoction she'd bought from the healer. The ship was no place to raise a child, so she wouldn't. She hadn't told Killian, hadn't let him in on the decision. Let him not grieve for something that could never be.

But now that his life was in danger – it was nearly dawn – she had to go out and find him. Maybe, just maybe, she could solve this problem. She could apologize to Rumpelstiltskin for leaving him, she could save Killian, learn about Bae, maybe see her son, and all would be well. If talking to Rumpel didn't do the trick, well, they'd told Milah that Rumpelstiltskin was the Dark One and had sent someone looking for a magic bean. She'd ordered the capture of the man and the bean. If talking wouldn't solve it, she had something with which she could bargain.

She'd lost one child, she would do all she could to save what family she had left and maybe get back to the child she'd left behind.