TRIGGER WARNING: eating disorders, reference to self-harm

Author's Note: In this series of one-shots, I will be talking about some sensitive issues (eating disorders, self harm, etc.). I will start each of them with a trigger warning specifying what in particular comes up in the story. Each of the Black sisters' stories has elements of things I have either experienced personally or helped a close friend through, and I try to handle the issues I talk about with care as I know that they are very real issues that people face. I'm not aiming to glamorize them, I'm just trying to find a way to express what I want to say and thought this might be a good way. If you have ANY concerns, or if something is triggering and I've overlooked it PLEASE do not hesitate to PM me. Thanks!

Sorry that was so long, I just felt I needed to get it all out there before I started. Characters belong to JK Rowling, song lyric belongs to Marina Diamandis.

Narcissa

"Beauty queen on a silver screen, living life like I'm in a dream. I know I've got a big ego. I really don't know why it's such a big deal though." ~Primadonna by Marina and the Diamonds

I was once told my vanity was my greatest sin. It was my eldest sister who said that, scoffing as I tried on a pink dress, wanting to look gorgeous for a party that I knew Lucius would be attending. I told her my vanity was rivaled by her own pride and just because she hated events that celebrated the purity of blood didn't mean the rest of us had to. Andromeda told Bellatrix to leave me alone and stop pretending she hated what we all were clearly meant to be.

The irony of Bellatrix being the one who ended up in the Dark Lord's bed and Andromeda marrying a Muggle was not over my head, no matter how stupid anyone thought I was back in the day.

I wasn't stupid. I never had been. Pretty and smart are not mutually exclusive terms, as everyone has grown to understand. My husband has risen through the Dark Lord's ranks and I have been at his side the whole time. That sort of thing doesn't just happen. You make that happen. You have to be smart to make that happen.

I sometimes think my sisters faulted me for being in love with Lucius. It wasn't my fault I was happy in the pureblood marriage my parents wanted for me. Bellatrix had only married Rodolphus because she felt like she had to. Andromeda didn't make the marriage she was supposed to, and we all stopped talking to her for it.

I missed her sometimes, secretly, but she made her choice and married that Muggle Ted Tonks, so she has to pay for it.

I looked over at my son sleeping in his crib. Draco. He was such a cute baby. He was going to grow up to be as handsome as his father, I just knew it. He already had some fuzzy hair on his head, in classic Malfoy blonde. I had done well. A perfect pureblood boy to carry on the Malfoy line and the Black line.

I worried that he had taken some of my beauty from me. An awful thing for a mother to think, I know, but I couldn't help it. Besides, weren't we Slytherins supposed to be awful? I could be my sister, torturing some poor soul for her own entertainment. Surely wondering if I was still pretty wasn't the gravest sin in the world.

I examined my figure in the mirror. I had worn a close-fitting dress today for the first time since my pregnancy. Lucius had noticed, had whispered to me how good it made me look, assured me that motherhood had done nothing but good things to me, but still, I wasn't sure.

I had never been allowed to have these doubts growing up. And yet, they had always been there, just repressed below the surface. Andromeda had been the only one who had ever listened. My mother only made it worse, shoving her own insecurities on me. Bellatrix, no matter how much I love her, never listened. She was too busy being convinced that she somehow had it worse than anyone else.

Dromeda had been there when, in my fifth year, I passed out in Charms after not having eaten in a week. After that, she always went out of her way to make sure I was doing okay, eating enough.

I was never going to be that stupid again. I was always doing 'okay'. I was always eating 'enough'. Nothing more, but nothing less. And I think Andromeda knew that, but she also knew not to press.

Just because I wasn't Andromeda, exiled for doing what I believed in, and just because I wasn't Bellatrix, whose arms were marked up with loyalty to a man who couldn't love her, just because I was undoubtedly the 'model daughter' Druella Black had wanted, didn't mean I was happy all the time.

I worried constantly. I worried that my husband would get killed doing the Dark Lord's bidding. I worried that something would happen to Draco, who was still so young and innocent. I worried that we had made a grave mistake in cutting Andromeda off completely. I worried that Bellatrix was going to completely lose it and then I would really be alone.

I worried that one day, I wouldn't be pretty and I wouldn't be perfect and then I would be no better than anyone else. My pure blood saved me as long as the Dark Lord reigned, but my husband's association with the Dark Lord damned me if his master were to somehow fail.

I shouldn't be thinking that, but what can I say? I wasn't Bellatrix. I wasn't following on blind faith. I believed, but with some reserve.

Just because I was the pretty one, the one who had it all on the surface, doesn't mean I always felt like it. Just because I identified with the traditional ways of the House of Black doesn't mean I didn't realize that we grew up without love. It doesn't mean I don't feel the same sorts of things Dromeda and Bella feel.

It just means I don't get to express them.

Thanks for reading! Again, PLEASE let me know if you have any concerns about the mental health type issues I mentioned.

Stay tuned for Andromeda's and Bellatrix's sections! Reviews are always welcome and encouraged.