Disclaimer: If The Saint was mine, I would have married him to Hoppy like a shot! If the Death Note was mine, I would have lost it long ago… my room is that disorganized.
This fic was written for my friend Beriath, left to mold in an old computer harddisk for a while before I discovered it again, rekindling my Simon Templar obsession.
Dedicated to all who adores The Saint and my friend Beriath (who is a supporter of the real DN and therefore is not in any way responsible for the impending blasphemy)!
This is a Death Note/The Saint crossover. Well actually more The Saint than Death Note because the latter is too gloomy for my taste (throw in the lack of a "The Saint" category on Ffnet as a technical incentive). I was wondering what would happen if Simon Templar was Raito. As for poor L… how could the Saint be his suave devilish self without good ole Teal?
That said, expect major OOC-ness for all DN characters… or expect to flame anyway!
If the Saint was Raito…"Yagami Raito," Said L crisply. "You are being arrested on the charge of willful murder. You have the right to remain silent, as anything you say may be used as evidence against you in court. The police are waiting downstairs."
Yagami Raito looked up from the assignment on his computer with innocent surprise to turn a friendly gaze towards his nemesis, who was standing in the doorway rather uncomfortably. "What ho, if it isn't good old Hideki-san!" He looked at his watch, which said 22:28. "What brings you out of the virtual world during these unsocial hours? Did the online support group throw you out, or has the Mac crashed? Here, you can just use mine if you like---"
"Quit that talk, Raito," said L dispassionately. "I've come to arrest you, and believe me, I have a cast-iron case against you this time."
"What is it this time, old Frog?" Raito stifled a yawn. "Did someone catch me tossing candy wrappers around, or crossing the street at red light?"
L's eyes lit up with a rare flicker of menace. "You know perfectly well what I was talking about," He said coldly. "It's for the murder of Mr. Natsumi. You've really gone too far this time, Kira."
Raito's face had the hurt look of Joan of Arc. "What? Who's that bird?"
L gritted his teeth. What's wrong with me? I should have had him in manacles by now… "Natsumi Ryotaro is a drug lord who operates around this region. I hear he's quite a big name among the police here, so naturally, you should have heard of him." He said, regaining some confidence as he narrated his findings. "He was found dead earlier this evening---"
"Stabbed to death, no doubt, with a dagger bearing my fingerprints?" Raito supplied.
"No---"
"His head crushed in by a stack of books checked out from the library under my name, perhaps?"
"No." Said L, firmly. "As everyone knows, you--- Kira, can kill without physical contact with the victim."
"I'm afraid my imagination is rather limited," confessed Raito. "So do you mind telling me how I killed this Mr. Nutso? Since I am going to find out sooner or later, I'd rather you tell me than some second-rate new reporter."
A faint red tinge rose up L's normally cold, pasty face. "Do you think you have any hope of getting away with this one, Kira?" He snarled. "Those words you made him write on the wall---"
"What words?" Said Raito, looking very interested. "Nothing about my private life, I hope? Really, apart from pulling a girl's hair once I've got nothing I can't tell my mother---"
L's face flamed redder. Raito secretly thought L would look quite adorable if he was a geisha, "Don't make me remind you," L sucked in his breath as if for an impending outburst. "You made Mr. Natsumi shoot himself in the head after writing "Compliments to Ryuuga the Frog" on the wall!" He exploded.
Raito simply quirked an eyebrow. "Oh cool off, nerdy---" He extended a friendly arm to pat L on the back, which was shoved away. "--- although I must say you look much cuter like that. Back to the topic: now that you've reminded me, no, it doesn't ring a bell. What has that message got to do with me?" He said, with an almost angelic innocence radiating from his features.
L had composed himself rapidly, and wore his deadly seriousness like a mask again. "Don't think you can shrug that off so easily," He said. "Only a fairly small circle of people know me as Ryuuga---"
"Including your parents." Interrupted Raito. "So you'd better arrest them first. And if they call you a Frog, well, doubtlessly they know you best---"
"But Ryuuga's not my real name." Protested L.
Raito, as if struck by a thought, furrowed his brow for a while. "So what you're saying is, you are arresting me because someone who died had written a name that's not your name and the name of an amphibian on the wall? Give me a break…"
"As I said, some people do know me as Ryuuga, and you're one of them." Said L stubbornly.
Raito furrowed his brow again, as if in deep thought. "Hideki-san! I think I know what all this is about!"
"So do I," Said L. "And you're going to be sorry about it."
"Identity theft! That's what it is!" Said Raito triumphantly. "Dear old frog, you must have been letting people hack into your account and steal your information! Didn't you install spyware on your Mac?"
"There's no need to drag my computer into this---"
"Tsk tsk, Hideki, that's the problem of spending too much time with a computer--- you acquire this sickly pallor of something living under a rock, and I do believe your eye-bags are getting bigger. And have you no social life at all? I am afraid the Autism Aid Group will be knocking on your door soon to haul you out for a bit of real life. It breaks my heart to know that my friend is one of those pale-faced, weensy nerds who tries to construct his so-called identity by tucking himself away in a chat room making love to unsuspecting girls---"
"I am not making love to girls." Interrupted L, with forced calmness.
"Indeed?" Said Raito, with feigned shock. "You know I've never dreamed of you as someone who goes in for the same-sex fetish, Hideki-san--- but don't worry, I won't tell a soul---"
"Let's go back to the central issue." Said L, almost shouting.
"OK, speaking of eye-bags---"
"I don't want to hear about eye-bags!" Screamed L.
"Very well," Said Raito, looking disappointed. "honestly, about this Nutso's murder--- you are letting your imagination run away with you. I don't know how many names you have got for your chat-room whoring, but when someone dies and writes Ryuuga on the wall, the first thing you do is arrest Raito; if a body is found in flaming Sahara with another one of your names branded on his cheeks, go find Raito; if a thousand year-old corpse is dug out of a peat bog with another one of your names etched into his collarbone, Raito's your man. I say, is this fair?"
"Tell that to the jury," Snapped L. The thought of Kira on trial restored his good humor. "I'll give you a million yen if any of them will listen to your babbling for ten minutes." He added, as a malicious comeback.
"Why, then, spidery," Said Raito, his eyes lighting up with a mischievous gleam. "You've lost the money. But I suppose you'll be able to honor the payment since your account will be practically overflowing, a million yen won't be missed---"
"What?" L looked confused. Raito didn't look as if he was joking.
"Like you said, you know perfectly what I was saying," Said Raito, mimicking the voice of the Law. "But, in case you're a little short on memory, let me refresh it for you with this:"
He took out an envelop from a drawer. Curiously, it was addressed to Ryuuga. The handwriting looked hauntingly familiar to L. Inside, there was a letter with a check pinned to it.
"This letter is from the late lamented Mr. Natsumi," Explained Raito. "No doubt you have seen it before, for it fell from your pajamas when you weren't looking one day---"
"I've never seen this letter! Give it to me!" L made a grab for the letter, but Raito's gentle but firm grasp held him still.
"Careful, Hideki darling--- " Warned Raito. "For this is vital evidence for the case, and, no doubt, the high point of the impending trial. Here, let me read it---"
Dear Mr. Hideki (aka the Frog):
Having heard of your name from an acquaintance in an online chat-room, I am most concerned to know that people have been stealing information from your computer. Apparently, some upgrading is necessary for this life-support apparatus of yours. As a compliment, I have made out a check for 20 million yen to the Ryuuga Mac Powerbook Protection Fund which, I hope, will prevent any hackers from disrupting your tranquil antisocial-ness evermore.
In exchange, as I know you are responsible for the Kira case, I want you to frame one Yagami Raito for being Kira. When I sell drugs around the district, the sight of such an honest, respectable, handsome and law-abiding citizen is a grievous eyesore. Girls will be flocking to him instead of buying drugs from me, which will be an impediment to business. No amount of cash is too much for me to part with in order to place this offensive individual safely behind bars.
Best health to your Mac, and hope the eye bags don't sag,
Natsumi Ryotaro
Throughout the reading L maintained a stone-statue stillness. His mouth had opened a fraction at some point, but no sound came out. His face, exploding with fiery scarlet at first, lapsed into a sickly white. While he had dismissed all the accusations in the letter as baloney, the figure and signature on the check were both very real. He had been intending to frame Raito by convincing the judge how remote the possibility was for Natsumi to write his name on the wall. However, to do so would require keeping himself uninvolved in the issue, and certainly above blame of bribery…
Raito shook his head sadly at the crestfallen detective. "Ryuuga! I can't believe you'll sell me for a petty 20,000,000 yen! Is this the action of a friend? I suggest you stay away from your Mac for a while and get rid of bad company. Give those eye bags a chance--- they are sagging like the cheeks of a squirrel who'd swallowed two walnuts at the same time… "
"I'll see you in the morning." L turned abruptly and walked out of the room. As an after-thought he looked back. "And don't try to kill anyone tonight."
"I won't," Promise Raito solemnly. "if you take care not to burst a blood vessel."
The detective plodded awkwardly down the stairs. There was a sound like the creaking of dead wood behind Raito.
"What is it, my fairy godmother?" Raito did not turn. "Think I've gone too far?"
"Humans sure are interesting." Said Ryuuku with a chuckle.
Raito still hadn't the faintest notion of L's real name, and Ryuuku was not going to divulge it... not that this bothered either of them. After all, even L's real name wouldn't spare him from the lifelong torment in store...
The End