the end
His eyes glistened in the dim light of the setting sun. They were beautiful this was. He was beautiful this way. He was visibly trembled, his form was tense and straight. His eyes shone like dying flames soon to be extinguished with my final words. "We're through." Desperately he searched my eyes trying to find hope to hold on to. I probably used more will to hide my emotions at that very moment than any other time during my short miserable existence. I've done horrible things in my time but nothing compared to this. This pain and guilt for tossing away someone so rare and precious to my life was literally eating me inside.
I will not lose. I will not cave in. Centuries seemed to pass as we stood there staring, searching for something that could never exist. The warm autumn air chilled my spine. I would have caved in if he had continued to watch me. Please I begged internally. I don't deserve you. With that thought he glanced away tears flowing freely down his face. They too glistened in the dying light.
If it were any other situation, any other time I would have left. I would have turned my back on him and left. But this time I couldn't leave. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to kiss his tears away and apologize. Right then and there I would have begged for his forgiveness.
In a blur he was gone, his racing form disappearing before my very eyes. I watched, as if in a trance, at this speeding form. The surprisingly bright light captured the tears that flowed from his eyes. To only be those tears I thought as I watched them in shine in the evening light. To be born in your eyes, to live on your cheek and to die on your lips.[1] The tiny crystals were forever captured in my mind. The misery was clear on the over-expressive face that had captured my attention.
I probably stood there for a long time before I realized I was alone. Slowly I blinked out of my trance like state and glanced around. There was no one to be seen. Anywhere. Hesitantly I withdrew my cigarettes instinctively taking one to place between my lips. Unconsciously I slid the pack back into my pocket while my fingers searched for the lighter.
Leisurely I sat on one of the empty benches lighting the tobacco stick between my lips. The cool night air felt wonderful against my burning skin. I felt hot and trapped. I was in a park, in a wide-open space and I still felt trapped. I took a long drag feeling the toxins invade my veins. I sighed audibly as I smashed the filter underneath my foot. I felt slightly more at ease but I knew better. This fake moment of pleasure, of ease, will pass and I will start to feel again. For now, it'll have to do.
Sitting here, by myself, in the dark use to calm my soul. Now it's too quite. The silence is overwhelming and I can't stand it now. It's too much. I want it to be noisy. I want to hear his voice calling me. The thought almost broke my resolve. It's only been two days and already I wanted him back. I needed him back in this silence, the silence that now unnerves me to my core.Owari
[1] Read that somewhere and thought it was appropriate for this story. It was an anonymous quote I received through an email. If the quote is yours then please let me know.