Disclaimer:
I own nothing. (And once this fic gets going properly, I'll probably be wishing I didn't own it, either.)
A/N: I beg you in advance to forgive me for what you are about to read. I just needed a break from Diagon Venus. This is completely random idiocy, and I strongly suggest you get out while the gettin's good.
Hermione Granger Meets Fandom
Prologue – "Meeting of the Minds"
In a big, candlelit room somewhere in fandom, a not-so-pretty but very witty twenty-something author conjures up a microfibre recliner and sits down in a huff. She would cross her legs in a huff as well, but she hasn't been able to get them crossed for about four years now. Okay, so she's not that fat, but she does have the unfortunate Scotch-Irish ghetto thighs. She also has a plan. She gives a little tug on the chain-link leash attached to the neck of Author #2 in order to get her attention.
"I just knew it, Pallas," she bites out. "Nobody's gonna show."
Author #2, a lovely Dutch girl, crosses her arms and taps her foot impatiently on the marble floor. "Good," she says. "Can I go now?"
"Hell no!" replies yours truly. "You're mine now, bitch. And you're not going anywhere until you've finished Grey."
"I knew it was a mistake to mess with you Harry Potter people," Pallas mumbles. "Where is Vegeta when I need him?"
There is a sound of a clicking keyboard and several "pops" and then a small group of women arrive, giggling.
"Ah, Inell," yours truly purrs. "I see you brought the gang. Please have a seat." With a wave of her pen, a large sofa appears, on which Inell, Lady Draherm, Procella Nox-noctis and Zaralya all sit down, looking almost as huffy as Pallas.
"Who are you, anyway?" Lady Draherm asks.
"I don't expect you to know," yours truly responds. "It's not like you've ever bothered to review me or anything."
"Oh, please," says Procella Nox-noctis. "You are the biggest lurker in fandom, tamlane. Really, we should ban you from quietones."
"Enough, 'Cella!" tamlane replies. "Don't make me turn that jumper pink."
"She doesn't review you?" Pallas remarks off-handedly. "Hmmm... I can't get her to shut up. Her damn reviews of Grey are the equivalent of short cookies."
"Who are you?" 'Cella demands. "And why are you on a leash?"
"Oh, you probably don't know her," tamlane explains. "This is Pallas Athena1. She normally writes Dragon Ball Z fics, but she has recently branched out into the realm of LM/HG. And she's on a leash because she's been a bad little author. She actually has chapters written that she hasn't posted yet."
All four ladies on the sofa gasp and put their hands over their mouths in horror.
"And I've been meaning to talk to the four of you," tamlane says, ignoring Pallas' dirty glare. "Need I remind the Charming & Wise girls of the marvel that is Blaise Zabini? O&U is sinking, people! Come on!"
Inell grins wickedly. "Okay, maybe we do get a little carried away, but Adrian Pucey is just so—"
They do not get to hear what Pucey is, however, because at that moment there is another "pop" and SkoosiePants appears. She conjures herself a recliner and begins laughing demonically. "HA!," she exclaims. "After Stranded, I knew it was only a matter of time! You want to write a parody, don't you, tamlane? Well, let me assure you that your sense of humor will never compare to mine."
Tamlane just purses her lips in frustration because she knows this is true.
"A parody?" inquires Zaralya, grinning her mischievous grin.
POP! POP!
Two near-death-like figures appear out of nowhere. One of them is frantically clutching a pillow to her chest and mumbling incoherently. The other one brandishes a coffee pot.
"Where's the damn outlet?!" screams the one with the coffee pot. "It's an emergency!"
Her friend has bags under her eyes. "Where are we?" she asks. "Is there coffee? Is that you, tamlane?" This author has the most beautiful eyes in the world and is known by the penname silverphoenix3.
Tamlane abruptly lets go of Pallas' leash and throws herself prostrate at silverphoenix' feet. "I LOVE YOU, TASHA!!!" she screams. "The Importance of Ancient Runes changed my life!!! You are a GODDESS!!!"
"Enough of the drama," silverphoenix replies, throwing her pillow across the room. "What the hell do you want? You know that metallicafangirl and I are doing NaNoWriMo! And we only have 11 more days to go, and I'm only up to...oh, hell, I don't even know anymore."
"Sorry," says tamlane with a sheepish grin, resuming her position in the recliner. "This won't take long."
There is yet another "pop," and another twenty-something author appears. She takes a look around, obviously very confused, and then yells, "Trademark law!" which, of course, causes everyone to look at her as though she is insane.
"Hi, Dixi," says tamlane. "Give the girl some coffee, metallicafangirl. She's in law school, and it's almost exam time."
"Now," says tamlane, "we're only missing one person. Where is that little devil, anyway?"
POP!
Xylitol arrives, flashing chapter 9 of Not Quite a Drug in front of everyone's face teasingly.
"Okay," tamlane replies. "NOW we can begin. I've gathered you all here because I think you are the greatest HP fanfic authors in fandom. Your stories have made me laugh, cry, giggle, cringe, beg for more, and do...er, other things that I don't feel comfortable talking about in public. Anyway, so here we are."
"That's it?" says silverphoenix. "Holy shit, we came all the way here for that?! Why don't you just write a bloody review once in awhile, instead of wasting our time like this?"
Silverphoenix3 and metallicafangirl promptly return to the world of NaNoWriMo, cursing tamlane's family for generations to come.
"Er," says Dixi, "I gotta go, too. Besides, I've only written one cookie. And you people are freaking addicts. See you at FAP."
The crowd dwindles quickly. Lady Draherm gets a wild burst of inspiration and decides to go update Their Curse (hint, hint). SkoosiePants realises that there will not be any Draco/Ron action and Disapparates, rolling her eyes. Xylitol thinks this whole thing is pointless and follows Skoosie, telling tamlane she will check back in on her when she gets a clue.
"Well," tamlane says with a sigh, looking from Pallas to Inell to 'Cella to Zaralya. "I guess that just leaves the five of us."
"So, what's the plan?" asks Zaralya. "We don't have to write anything, do we? Because you know me, I just like throwing around plot bunnies."
"Yes, you are the queen of plot bunnies, Zaralya" concedes 'Cella.
"Nobody has to write anything. This is a way bigger job than writing. I have come up with a device that will actually transport one of you into fandom, and I need someone to be Hermione Granger's guide through a series of events relating to the mockery of fanfiction itself."
"Wait a minute," interrupts Inell. "You mean, like Hermione lost in fandom?"
"Exactly. And all of the other characters will know that it's a fic. Just think of the possibilities! There will be slash, crude humor, impossible plot devices, Mary-Sue-isms galore, desperate!Ron, ghetto!Harry, more Malfoy personalities than you can count, and a very, very confused Hermione Granger."
"Ghetto!Harry?" asks 'Cella.
Tamlane gives another sheepish smile. "I love ghetto!Harry," she admits.
"That's it," says 'Cella. "I'm out of here."
Tamlane pouts. "Then I guess we're down to two," she says.
"Two?" asks Zaralya. "But there are four of us."
"I don't count, though," tamlane responds. "I'm the one writing this gods-awful thing. And Pallas is not allowed off her leash until she promises us some good ole-fashioned smut. She's been teasing us for entirely too long. Which only leaves the two of you."
"I'll do it," Inell announces. "My four hundred livejournal communities and Yahoo! groups will just have to go on hold temporarily."
"I knew I could count on you, Inell."
"Yeah, yeah... flattery will get you nowhere. Just promise me one thing."
"Yes?"
"That this will be a D/Hr fic."
"You know that Ron will be really upset," Zaralya comments matter-of-factly.
"Who cares?" they all agree.
"All right, Inell. Even though I hate the little Malfoy fucker, I'll do my best. Are you ready?"
"As I'll ever be."
"One more question, tamlane," says Zaralya. "Do you honestly think anyone is going to read this?"
"Gods," tamlane replies with a heavy sigh, "I hope not."