Summary: One-shot from Marissa's POV giving an alternative look at how things could have unfolded between Ryan and Marissa after their break-up in season 3.
A/N: For a long time now I've thought that we should have had a lot more RM sex in season 3 rather than the drivel we actually got. A really irritating moment is when Marissa actually tells Summer that they never had problems with sex yet the show only showed us that one time (along with Jimmy's bloody face). From the beginning we saw that RM were drawn by their physical as well as emotional connection. Season 3 failed to explore both and honestly destroyed the RM journey and they're the kind of couple designed to go on a journey and come out the other end, with their problems resolved not with one half dead. Anyway, rant over – this is basically an arc that I would have been interested to see done on the show, and certainly I would have preferred watching RM post-break up sex over Sadie and Volcholk (mind you, Cam had a pretty face). I hope the tenses make sense on this, it is mainly in the past (told from Marissa's POV) and the last bit is mainly in the present. Enjoy and reviews are lovely!
The first time it happened was when he came to confront me about Volcholk. I think he had meant to calmly tell me to find someone better and then leave but things just unravelled into an argument. We used to fight seemingly all the time when we were together but we hadn't fought like this in a while with our voices raised and our mannerisms heightened. I can't quite remember how long we shouted at each other for. I do however remember that with each shout we seemed to move closer together until finally there was no space left between us and Ryan's arms went around my body and mine around his. I remember how his hands had lifted me up and pushed me up against the trailer wall. How we urgently undressed each other and then fucked each other to oblivion.
It had felt so different to fucking Volcholk, like it went beyond simple carnal pleasure. But afterwards when Ryan quickly dressed himself and rushed off with an awkward goodbye unable to look me in the eye, I wondered if it was all that different. I couldn't blame him though. I knew where we stood. The minute his lips pressed against mine, I knew we about to create an even bigger mess than the one we were already in but it had felt so good. I didn't want to stop him; he didn't want to stop me. Nor did I know what to say to him afterward and I guess neither did he. Regardless though, I couldn't help feeling hurt. How could his kisses be so warm and his words so cold? I went into my room, got out the bottle of vodka and let it numb the sadness before the tears could form.
The next time it happened was at school. I had arrived drunk and he had seen me with my trusted flask. At lunch, he dragged me into an empty classroom and told me to stop. Like last time, I don't think he planned for things to get as heated as they did but somehow, now that we were out of the confines of our relationship, we were letting all our emotions show. I didn't mind though, not really because at least it felt like he still cared. It was better than the hollow shell, who had so easily walked away from me the other night.
As seemed the recent pattern, the bitter arguments brought with it the sweet pleasure of sex. I didn't mind that last bit either. This time before saying goodbye, he caught my eye and I was certain that I saw shame in them. It might be why he muttered an unsteady "sorry" before he left. So now he was ashamed of sleeping with me; a new flood tears seemed ready to break through.
That night he came to the trailer to find me. His knock unlike the previous night wasn't strong and confident but quiet and shy. When he walked in, I noticed how his shoulders were hunched and his face looked drained and tired. I wasn't sure what to expect so I sat still on the sofa and he walked over to sit opposite me. For a few minutes, he looked down, once again unable to look me in the eye. I wondered if he had planned something to say and now had lost his track of thoughts and was trying to piece them together again. I wondered if that's what happened the last two times and this time he wasn't going to let things get out of control.
"I'm...sorry." he finally said and I was left to wonder why he was telling me what he had already told me before. "...but I'm not sorry about having sex with you, I mean it probably wasn't the best idea given...everything...but I'm not sorry about that. I'm sorry about the way I've acted" His little speech brought a smile to my face. It was still the old Ryan there, my Ryan, the one who struggled with his words and feelings but who could never be unkind.
"It's okay. You don't have to be sorry, I mean after all it does take two to..." His eyes finally looked up to meet mine and his face returned the smile that had been sitting on my face. We hadn't really resolved anything, everything was still a mess but looking into his radiant eyes, the mess had seemed so insignificant. Perhaps that was why I leaned in to kiss him and let it deepen until the two of us were naked in my bed, our breaths hitched and laboured.
I held on to him a little longer, not quite ready to let him go yet. Eventually he got up and began to get dressed again. I sat up, my back pressed against the cold wall and a thin white sheet covering my chest. I quietly observed him getting dressed and then the silence grew too great, threatening to suffocate me unless I spoke, voicing the questions which had been oppressing my mind.
"Are you still with her?" I couldn't say her name because it hurt too much to think about the other girl he had been fucking. The other girl who seemed to be able to make him happy. I had wanted to be that girl but it seemed I never could be. Even though I was glad he found that with someone else, it broke my heart into delicate little pieces.
"Sadie left last week. The night I came to talk to you about Volcholk, I think she left then. I had planned to see her afterwards, but I was too late." I tried to work out if there was an accusatory tone in that sentence, whether he was insinuating that it was my fault that she had left and he had lost his perfect, drama-free girlfriend. I couldn't tell. "What about you? Are you still with Volcholk?"
"Not really." I stuttered not convincing Ryan.
"Have you fucked him since you fucked me?" His voice adopted such a coldness that I immediately realised that wasn't the answer he had wanted.
"Yes, once, but it shouldn't matter."
"It shouldn't...but it does. I just, I don't know Marissa. I'll see you later." With those cryptic words he just walked out again. I had never quite grasped how much my being with Volcholk had grated on Ryan.
Ryan kept his distance from me for the next couple of days but as had always seemed to be the case with us, we had soon found ourselves in each other's company. It was at the College sweatshirt party. Everyone was in their own little groups and Seth and Summer had disappeared somewhere to talk and I was sitting by myself at a quiet corner on the beach when he came down and sat next to me. For a long while, we said nothing perhaps because we were too scared to say the wrong thing which would send the other running away.
"I'm not with him anymore. It's over for good." I finally told him and a visible smile breaks across his face.
"I'm...glad. Look, Marissa I'm sorry about before, you hadn't done anything wrong. I was just being jealous." I didn't say anything in reply, instead I waited for him to lean in and kiss me which I knew he would. Just like I had known that we would inevitably end up ripping our clothes apart and my nails would be pressing into his bare back while I would cry out his name in a loud moan. I had known then that this cycle wouldn't stop anytime soon because neither of us had the will to make it stop. And just as I had anticipated, our liaisons grew more frequent.
Any free nights we had were spent either in the pool house or my new room at the Roberts fucking each other's brains out. On the odd occasion we would sneak out to the trailer to escape Seth or Summer's keen observation. I suspect it was a little suspicious how the two us seemed distant from our friends but there was no apparent cause for the isolation.
At first, Ryan and I had a hard time getting used to our new relationship or rather, non-relationship. We didn't know what it was ourselves which was why we only kept it between us. I didn't mind. The fact it was just Ryan and I was reassuring as it meant there was nothing from the outside to tear us apart. Then again, I had wondered if there was even a relationship to break apart. We had a silent agreement that this was just sex. Nothing more, but I wondered how long it would be till those feelings that I've put aside, would surface again.
The sex, without doubt, was great. In those moments I felt completely connected to Ryan and when I looked into his eyes, I saw hints of the affection that had once existed. It was only after the sex was over that the awkwardness used to set in. In the beginning Ryan sat around for a while trying to make small talk but very soon, he gave up and simply said a polite goodbye. I grew used to it and unlike when he had done it before, I understood. He was cautious of blurring the lines of our relationship into anything more and so was I because the minute it went beyond just sex, we would have been forced to confront the things that had gone unsaid for so long. The questions from our relationship that still remain unanswered; the silence that bears over us is still so great.
There were still plenty of moments when I desperately tried to define our relationship. Attacks of insecurity gripped me late at night as I pondered what Ryan felt about me, about the relationship. Although we had agreed that it was just going to be sex, the thought that I was just a meaningless fuck hurt. Sometimes though, he would say something or do something that would prove all my fears wrong. He hadn't asked me to Prom but he told me I looked beautiful and when all the couples had begun dancing, he offered me a dance. Later when Summer was announced Prom queen he had whispered into my ear,
"You would have made a great queen." Even though I was genuinely happy for Summer and I had never really had any such aspirations, he knows that a tiny part of me, wanting to hold on to past dreams, would have loved it. He knows me so well, I had thought, perhaps too well. Since then, I stopped trying to find the answers because I realized they didn't matter. I was happy, I wasn't drinking and most importantly, I was with Ryan.
After graduation, I began to notice the changes in our relationship. Seth and Summer had decided to do an East coast road trip in preparation for Brown next year. A lazy summer heat hung over Newport and everything combined caused us to grow less cautious. There were long hours spent on the beach sometimes in easy silence and other times in friendly conversation. The awkwardness which had been present before was beginning to evaporate away. We laughed more frequently, teased each other often and the intimacy that existed in the bedroom started to transcend into our daily lives.
There were other things too that made me sure we were no longer just 'fucking'. Ryan took longer undressing me, his lips dwelled on my breasts longer than usual and afterwards instead of leaving immediately, he held my face in a gentle caress. The latter had been the most striking change. Soon, we laid in each other's arms and he asked me how my day had been. Sometimes, he was more serious and he asked me about my dad, whether I thought about him often. Then I began to ask him about Dawn. There were feelings returning and new ones forming which were greater than the lust we had approved off. We soon started spending entire nights together. My head found its way to the familiar nook in his shoulder and his strong arms, emulating steady warmth, wrapped around me as I slept.
One night we were sleeping in the pool house and Ryan had to leave me for a while. Seth had just come back I think and there was something he wanted to talk to Ryan about - I can't quite remember what. Relentless as Seth's efforts were, Ryan went over to talk to him. Besides I think he was conscious of Seth walking in on us. Until that night, I hadn't realized how reliant I had grown on those arms which encircled me. The one night he left me, the nightmares which were becoming vague recollections, hit me once again. I still haven't worked out exactly why they came to me that night but in the two or so hours that Ryan had been gone, memories of Trey, the attempted rape, the shooting - it all suddenly came rushing back.
When Ryan returned, he found me overwhelmed with tears; tears which I didn't even know had broken their way through. I think I might have looked like shit because I clearly remember Ryan's face, petrified with horror. When Ryan had walked in, all my fears turned to how he would react. I had felt sure that this was going to be end for our little relationship. I had pushed us into a territory that I wasn't sure we could ever overcome but that night Ryan proved me wrong. I began to understand that the horror I had noted on his face had not been for him but concern for me. There are times when I wonder if he had known the cause of my distress but most of the time, I'm sure he knew. It was evident in the way he laid down next to me, his right arm wrapped around me, his left hand carefully rubbing my back. It was there in the way our faces buried together into each other's neck, the mutual understanding lingering in the air around us, which had made wonder if he had nightmares too.
The next morning he hadn't said anything but we had stayed intertwined on the bed till the late hours of the day. It was only the next night that he said something.
"You can talk to me you know. I'm not going to run." I remember how soft his eyes had been when they had peered into mine, how when he had squeezed my hand I felt the heat surging through me. I knew he meant it but I still refrained from saying anything. Then a few nights later, I started telling him extracts of my thoughts. I started by trying to explain Johnny to him because going straight in with Trey might have been too much. I only ever told him little bits at a time. His eyes used to cloud over with pain, which I could tell he was still keeping to himself, and I used to wonder if talking had been a good idea but later when he lightly kissed me lips and my heart felt lighter, I stopped feel unsure.
Our relationship finally came out about the time Seth and Summer returned back to Newport from their road trip. It was quite embarrassing in fact; Summer had walked in on us right in the middle of it. At least it wasn't Seth. Summer had drilled me for information but I still had little idea on what Ryan and I were.
"We are friends and we are sleeping together. That's it." I had told her but she hadn't been convinced.
"Like friends with benefits? C'mon Coop, it can't be just that. There's too much history there."
"I don't know Sum. I really don't but it's working this time. I can't explain how but it is."
"So are you guys like exclusive or are you seeing other people as well?"
"I...honestly don't know." Summer's questions had got me thinking and as the summer came to an end I asked Ryan whether he thought we were friends with benefits. He had just shrugged, hinting his agreement but never quite confirming it. I hadn't asked if we were exclusive, it was a question which held too much weight. Summer never understood our reluctance to label our relationship and truth be told I struggled to understand it myself. It's only recently that I've started to grasp it; Ryan and I had both been crippled by the failures of our relationships together. Not defining it meant we couldn't actually fail again and it had seemed to have worked so far. Our optimism in this belief kept any questions at bay.
When we got to Berkeley, Summer's doubts had seemed even more insignificant. Everything was freer, we felt freer especially away from Newport and the heavy handed memories it held. This new freedom pushed me to ask Ryan about Trey, only little nudges like he had done with me; I wanted to let him know that I was here for him. I had been wary of pushing him too much before but in the new surroundings, a new courage found its way and it seemed like the Berkeley grounds had the same effect on Ryan. He began to give answers to my questions and after a while he started volunteering information. There was so much I hadn't known. There was so much I should have known without being told.
He told me how the shooting had affected him, how conflicted he still felt. I saw how the guilt consumed him and I tried to ease it because he shouldn't have to feel guilty on my expense. He also started to tell me more about Chino and how things had been like as a child. The stories he never told me in Newport, now flew effortlessly at Berkeley.
It's been a week since we last spoke, since he went on a date with another girl. Perhaps it was inevitable that it would end just like Summer had said. We had been too naive or maybe he had known all along and it was me who had been naive. I had foolishly thought that the post-break up sex we were having would eventually evolve into a real relationship. I thought it had. I think about those long nights spent talking. The silence that had been our downfall before had been overcome but a new kind of silence seems to have killed us now.
I think back to the first week in Berkeley when the some boys had asked me out. I had immediately said no mainly because I had no desire to, I was completely content with Ryan. Then I had remembered how Ryan had reacted before about Volcholk and it seemed doubtful that we were not exclusive. Several weeks passed and neither Ryan nor I went out with anyone else but neither did we name our relationship. So, last week when Lucy from my Literature class asked if I could set her up with Ryan, I didn't know what to say but yes. We had never made an explicit decision on where we stood and the fair thing to do was to introduce her. Then it was Ryan's choice.
"So, do you like her?" The three of us had gone out for drinks along with a few other friends but the two of them had mainly been sitting alone together. When I spotted Ryan alone, I had immediately gone over to talk to him
"She seems nice." I looked intently at his face trying to work out any deeper meanings behind that sentence.
"A real date anytime soon then?" I had said that in a particularly cheery voice, the faux enthusiasm I thought had been clearly evident yet he seemed surprised by tone.
"What about...would that be ok? If I did?"
"Yeah...we never really decided where we stood did we?" My voice had grown shaky as I took in the implications of what he had and what I had said. I didn't stay to listen to his response because I could already feel the tears threatening to pour down. I don't think I could have listened to what he would say next. It would be too painful to hear him admit he's moving on to someone else. Sadly the even more painful part is that my own words had lost him.
A week has passed without any phone calls or visits and I'm certain that I really have lost him. Lying in my bed now I think about how I should have said more, done more. I should have been more assertive, I should have told him I loved him. I can't deny it anymore: I do love him; I have loved him this whole time.
Amidst the self-pity I don't notice the knock at the door the first time. When I finally do, I see the person who has possessed my mind for so long.
"Hi." His smile is too bright, like nothing has changed when it feels like everything has.
"Hi, what are you doing here?"
"I wanted to drop in, say hi. And well, there was something more, um will you come with me? Now?" His hand is outstretched waiting for me to take it. Without questioning him further, I nod and take his hand into mine. I have missed the touch of his skin so much.
We walk outside and he guides us along a crowded street until we arrive at a park littered with couples enjoying the romance of a late winter's evening. I'm a little confused by what this all means and I decide that after all, I need to confront him.
"Ryan, wait, we need to talk." He stops and turns to face me, the expression on his face serious. "I know you might be seeing Lucy but I need to know what we were. What were the last few months? Because they didn't feel like nothing." I expected confusion from his part, some frustration but when he smiles and cups my face and presses a soft kiss against my lips, I'm the one left feeling confused. This is the first time since we were together that he has kissed me in public and at a time when I had never expected it.
"I never went out with her, you never stuck around to hear what I was going to say remember. Now will you just come with me?" Still slightly puzzled I take his hand, holding it even more tightly and follow him until I see the secluded corner at the edge of park lit up with candles and a little picnic basket at the centre. As I look on at awe he tells me, "I know I've been a bit distant this last week but I've been trying to work out a few things myself. I couldn't tell why you were pushing me towards another girl."
"I wasn't pushing you, I was...being polite." He chuckles quietly at my pouting face and pulls me into a tight embrace.
"Anyway, it turns out I don't want any other girl. I want you and just you." Our faces are now closely pressed together, his forehead resting against mine and his words hang between us. "I want us to be a couple, no more sneaking around; I want the fucking world to know we are together Marissa." He closes the space in between us by melding his lips against mine. This kiss, unlike the one before, is heated and passionate, the two of us savouring every moment. My hands move round his neck and then run through his hair while his own hands rest on my face and later move lower down to my waist. When he finally breaks the kiss, we are both out of breath. "There's something else I wanted to tell you."
"What else could there possibly?" I look up at him like a child on Christmas morning waiting to unwrap their presents. He laughs at my expression but the humorous glimmer in his eye is replaced by a deep earnestness.
"I love you." Those words coming from him mean so much. I have waited over two years to hear them again and to have them finally said out loud send my heart racing with joy. Nevertheless, despite the overwhelming happiness, my first reaction is to laugh at the petrified look on his face. "This isn't funny, you know?"
"I know." I tell him and then throw my arms around him to kiss him. The next time we move our lips apart to gather out breath, I whisper, "I love you too" and now we are both laughing. It's a private laugh shared just between us. Some people in the park turn to look at us and they think we are mad. We aren't mad; we are just madly in love.