Samantha Carter has nine different smiles. Ten if you count the polite one reserved for people outside our team. But only nine for her teammates on SG-1; three different ones specifically for the three prominent men in her life, and I never noticed them until after I had come back.
It seems odd that I would berate myself for missing that tiny, seemingly insignificant, detail about her.
But after my ascension and then reentering that substantial physical state of being, and the return of my memories, I felt oddly guilty for missing it all those years.
It had taken me a few days to realize, but afterwards I could suddenly recall each moment in the time we had preciously spent together when she used those special grins that absently endeared the three of us to her.
And I wished I had noticed and relished them when they were being given, because now they came at a more sparing rate, and at some unconscious level we all noticed it and felt a tug of loss at every chance that she didn't take to dish them out.
Then we found out she had gone and gotten herself engaged to her boyfriend Pete, and our explanation for the recent absence of her smiles bit us unpleasantly in the rear like a frosty wind that annoyingly nips at your fingers.
Jack was upset, although I don't think he knew why, and for some weeks after learning of his subordinate's engagement he would continuously come to my office and sulk in confusion.
I also began getting frequent visits from Teal'c, who himself seemed unsure as to why he was suddenly feeling, for lack of a better word, depressed.
I made note of this behavior among other things, and the less I saw of Sam, the more I sunk into the general mood that my other two friends already provided.
It was easy to be pulled in by their attitude, considering that my office had now been unwillingly turned into the main gathering place for the men of SG-1 now that one of our own was spreading away from our tightly woven net of friendship.
I began making a mental tally of what I was going to miss about Sam.
If anyone were to see us like this, the greatest team in the SGC and their former member, the General and overall leader of the place, sitting here, down in the dumps just because their female teammate was getting married, the word pathetic would definitely arise.
She wasn't going anywhere.
Logic dictated that, and yet we felt sorrowful as if she had left us for good.
So, while making this list of things I would undoubtedly miss about her, I came across the interesting revelation of her smiles.
Stumbling upon this, as I so happen to be in the presence of Jack and Teal'c, I looked at each of them for memory reference so they could unknowingly participate in my reminiscence.
She had three smiles for Jack. I thought, looking at the older man, sitting at the edge of my desk and brooding, head in his hand and elbows propped up on his crossed legs.
One was a small, shy, turn up of the mouth, which was accompanied by a quick but noticeable downcast of her eyes. This one normally followed a compliment he would give her.
Another came after he would give her those subtle glances and oddly placed smiles of his own that reminded pretty much everyone how much he cared for the officer in his chain of command, even though it was against regulations. These instances usually won him that confused expression she got on her face, in which her mouth spread wide in response to his attention, but her eyes held a questioning gaze and her eyebrows rose considerably upon her forehead trying to figure out his intentions.
Then there was that very notable one. The one I sometimes wished I could claim. But no, it was just for him, and always would be, no matter how much she declared to love another man.
It was that crooked line that looked almost like she was trying to make up her mind on whether to frown or giggle. One section of her mouth curved upward and fought against another section that tried to give way to the direction of gravity. Her forehead would scrunch adorably and her grin would soon triumph as she shook her head and beamed at him.
This was her private signature. The one only Jack could hold to his name, because only he could say those witty things that made her want to laugh, that made her love him though it was utterly hopeless for anything to come of it and certainly by now they were both looking forward to moving on.
Or not.
I added as an afterthought as I again looked at the man who had every right to be called my best friend.
Sure, he is dating another girl now, Kerry I think her name was, but the way he looked at the moment you'd think Carter had been his soul mate and then just up and died before he'd had a chance to reveal this to her. You would never suspect him of holding current relations with a middle-aged bombshell.
Anyway, then there are the three smiles she has for Teal'c.
Normally she would give him and apologetic smile. Where she allowed her lips to curl at the corners in a bit of a sheepish manner, and her head to tilt slightly sideways while she looked at him with those wide blue eyes that had "sorry" written briefly in them.
This one basically came after O'Neill said something that the Jaffa did not understand, or when she accidentally got them in trouble after he had warned her, cryptic though it was, about certain dangers.
The other she gave was almost on par with the intervals of her apologetic one. It was sympathetic and understanding. They would share a mutually grimaced look, than she would nod slightly and smirk, sometimes followed by a pat on the shoulder for reassurance. Which Teal'c confided in him some time ago, gave him comfort, even though he was a strong warrior who did not require such.
Daniel knew better. Especially with the way his friend was acting now. Apparently he did require it.
Than there was her grateful smile. The one that was warranted when the Jaffa saved her life, customarily after he dragged her out of the line of fire, or shot a combating opponent that was about to take a hit at her, or when he did things for her on a minimal scale like catching her when she was about to trip.
Those moments he exploited his chivalry without the impression that he thought she could not handle herself, so she would let tension visibly ease from her body and her mouth would quirk in silent "thanks", her eyes portraying that she was glad for his assistance.
Daniel wondered how such a simple act could beso hugely desired. It wasn't as if they were all head over heals in love with her.
Okay, maybe Jack was...and maybe Daniel sometimes thought about...but that wasn't the point.
Sam was their friend and a subordinate officer.
He supposed that he could chalk it up to eight years of being used to receiving something like that, no matter how trivial it was to the rest of humanity (and other species not so easily named), when it was so instantly taken away it left an unwelcome emptiness in its wake.
He felt as if he should cherish those things about her. Imprint them into his mind. She was a really, really, close friend after all. And in some remote corner of his mind, and inkling of jealousy was resonant, as he hoped that her fiancé had not gone and taken any of their smiles for himself.
Well, at least not any of his smiles.
That had happened previously. Sam had given one of the smiles she specifically had stashed away for him, to the man almost directly responsible for his death, Jonas Quinn.
He had heard about it from a nosey nurse after he had begun remembering.
It was that smile she gave him when he aided her in work and let her talk enthusiastically to him when she was excited about a certain scientific discovery, and when he had given her brilliant ideas, sometimes without realizing it.
It was like a lightening bolt zooming across her face at impossible speeds. She give an all out, Cheshire grin, that filled his vision and he could see her mind turning in concentration as she whirled around to go test this latest inspiration.
If hehad disliked Jonas before, he hated him now.
But he took solace in the fact that his two other smiles were safe. And only he knew how to get those ones to show themselves.
There was her triumphant smile. It was large and smug, showing her teeth as she revealed how proud she was in him after he'd done something selfless and heroic, or had made an exceptional break through on a project.
He loved the feeling he got when she was proud of him, and basked in the reward of her praise.
And the one he held above the other two, and even above the ones she gave his comrades, her caring smile.
It was that soft, knowledgeable, upside down half-moon that appeared when she could recognize his grievance and his distraught emotions. When she reached out to him and gave him exactly what he needed, be it a comforting word or a warm embrace.
In his soul he could feel that smile, and it relaxed his pain, he could literally touch the connection of friendship they had developed over the years. And thinking about it now, he desperately prayed that that smile had not and never would be given to anyone else but him.
It was the most selfishness Daniel Jackson had exercised over anything in his life.
And unless you were prepared to fight tooth and nail to take those away, than you were better to keep your distance.
"I'll miss the smiles," Daniel muttered to no one, though Jack and Teal'c heard him clearly and nodded their agreement, just now beginning to see what it had meant to them.
"I'll miss the technobable," Jack added to the slight surprise of his teammates who knew how much he hated getting mixed up by what he considered to be Carter's own invented foreign language.
"I do not understand," Teal'c said, "She is here...yet she is not"
A collective defeated sigh came from the moping bunch.
They all jolted a bit when the door swung open and the subject of their thoughts walked in.
"I've been looking everywhere for you guys," she said with a puzzled frown as she saw the state they were in, "What's wrong? Why do you all look so..." she tapered off and glanced at the General, "Sir, at the risk of sounding cliché, did somebody die?"
Jack gave her a look that made her give him her confused smile, and suddenly he was feeling just peachy and did not fail to mention so.
She turned to Teal'c who said, "We were simply reflecting, Colonel Carter, it is nothing to be alarmed about"
To this she responded with her apologetic smile, and Teal'c's mood took a dose of happiness, although you could never tell with him unless you were one of the four people in that room currently.
Then she settled her gaze on Daniel, "Well" she commented, "What are you reflecting on? And why does it have you all so glum?"
Daniel met her gaze and against his will, he confessed what they were all thinking, "Our little girl's getting married!" he almost wailed.
"What?" she asked in an incredulous tone at his outburst.
Jack took it upon himself to clarify, "You're getting married! No more late nights in the lab, no more evenings out with the boys, no more sneaking work home with Daniel so you two can stay up and brain storm. And no more smiles!"
Sam glanced around at all of them like they were insane, and they were beginning to question their mental integrity themselves as they each felt about close to tears.
"With all due respect, Sir, get a grip!" she demanded, crossing the cramped room to grab his wrists and hold them in place in order to make him cease choking down sobs and actually look at her.
"What's so bad about me having a life now?" she asked, giving them each a chance to answer in turn as she looked at all of them, hands still clasped in the General's.
Daniel spoke once more, "There's nothing bad with you having a life, Sam...We just don't want things to change. We want to be able to kick you out of the lab for working too late, and be confused by your technobable when you try to protest." Jack nodded eagerly in agreement, giving her the expression of a puppy that had just been denied his favorite pass time.
Daniel continued, "And we want to train with you in the gym when you're so angry with Jack that you have to hit something"
At this Jack scowled and adamantly shook his head with fierce argument, but Teal'c was nodding his approval at this statement. And without them realizing, Sam dished out two more smiles, the one to Jack when he made her want to laugh, and the sympathetic one to Teal'c because she knew he would miss the time spent working out with her.
And then, subtly unnoticed by the still ranting Daniel, she gave him her proud smile, feeling very happy with him for revealing this to her, seemingly unfearful of the result.
"And we want to stay up all night with you researching and working...and we don't want you to give your smiles to anyone but us" he finished a bit nervously.
Sam did not know how to reply to this statement.
For a moment she just stood there, looking at all of them and holding Jack's hands in her own (which neither of them seemed to be aware of) like it was the most natural thing in the universe.
Finally she spoke, "Is that what you've all been so upset about lately? That you won't be apart of my life once I get married?" she had to laugh and they all looked at her expectantly.
"You know, Pete was worried about the same thing, he thought you guys are my life and that he would just be a bystander in it" she shook her head and her gaze locked with the General's for a moment of silent communication before she took her hands from his and backed away to get a full view of all of them.
It did not escape Daniel's notice that she had referred to her life as "you guys" and not simply, "the SGC".
"I can't believe I was expecting this" she said with a light hearted giggle, "I guess I've known you all too long...Look, I'm not going to stop hanging around the lab at all hours just because I tied the knot, there'll be a lot of days when something very important falls into my lap and I'll need to solve it as soon as possible. And Pete's job is fairly demanding in its own right, there will be times when he'll need to work late so I'll probably be wandering around the base looking for someone to spar with me in the gym. And I still find physics the most relaxing thing in the world," she gave a sideways glance to O'Neill, "so I'll still be trying to sneak work home and call Daniel up to help me brainstorm on a problem"
She took a breath and then sighed, here was the hard part, "It's true I'll be spending my down time with my husband and I wont put in so much overtime, and perhaps, but I think you all guessed this, I wont be able to just go out with you guys whenever we have a whim to drink at O'Malley's until they kick us out." that elicited a few smirks.
"But seriously...if there's one thing you absolutely do not have to worry about happening, is that I wont smile and be content with anyone elsethe same way I am with you guys"
There was a pointed look in Jack's direction, which he returned with a knowing nod.
Sam then looked at Daniel and sealed her statement with that comforting smile that he so cherished, and he knew beyond a doubt that she would not last for long without them around.
The way things were going to be, as she just described, though, was too hard to imagine. She made it sound like nothing was going to change when in fact it was and they all realized it.
Either she'd have to work out a compromising and difficult alternative, or choose one life over another, SG-1 or Pete.
The threat of that ultimatum hung in the air, even as they all got up to participate in a rare group hug that only happened once every other full-moon, and only on days that were especially grueling for the entire team.
They all knew this constituted as one of them.
Still, at least they had Sam's smiles.