Harry Potter and the Interdimensional Portal to the Underworld
R Note: Ra, save us all.
L Note: YOU AREN'T EGYPTIAN!
R Note: so?
L Note: DON'T BLASPHEME!
R Note: Why not?
Harry, Ron and Hermione sat in the Gryffindor common room, reminiscing about their last seven years at Hogwarts. It was their penultimate week, and all lessons were suspended. Well, none of the pupils could actually be arsed to get up and go to the lessons except for Hermione, and the teachers thought that this was a crap turnout, so they sat in the staff room drinking litres of coffee and smoking.
"Hey Ron, do you remember when we had that quest for the Lost Loo?" said Harry.
"Yeah. The entire school body cueing outside for one chamberpot was a joke. Luckily we found one upstairs though, wasn't' it. Snape had installed one himself. Sly bugger."
Harry stared at Ron. "Do you remember his reading material, though? 'Groping Goblins' and 'Horny Hippogriffs'.
R Note: Stop being mean to Sev!
L Note: Stop typing on my laptop!
They shuddered. They had all spent months in the hospital wing receiving intensive psychotherapy.
R Note: anyone needs therapy after your fics, Lews.
"Then there were all those witches getting pregnant." Said Hermione.
"Poor misguided Dobby." Harry said sadly.
S Note: Understatement draws arrow to "Poor misguided Dobby, and underlines it heavily, until it goes through the other side of the page in the original draft
"He found that spell in the restricted section. He just wanted to try it out. Professor-Dumbledore-who-was-really-Lord-Voldermort had to create four hundred copies of Dobby, just so Dobby could pay child support."
R Note. Eww! House elf hybrids.
S note: AAH! 401 Dobbys!!!
"Hey." Hermione said to Harry. "At least you didn't have to pay child support for your son." Harry smiled. He had told Dobby to try out that spell to cover up his relationship with Cho Chang, especially that one evening in the charms class. That girl did things with a wand that harry had never dreamt of...
R Note: Harry belongs to Draco!
S Note: Damn straight! (Which they aren't)
L Note: Not in this fic! Harry has to be a straight, hormone filled teenager.
R Note: Why?
L Note: That will ruin the ending to the next fic.
S Note: So?
L Note: It'll ruin it, but you have to read it, it'll be hilarious.
R Note: 'cause it will, Lews. #Sarcasm detector explodes# S Note: #Starts fixing detector#L Note: PISS OFF THEN!
"Oh well," Harry said. "What can happen in the last two weeks at school?" Suddenly a whirling black hole appeared in the common room and enlarged. Harry, Ron and Hermione stared as an armchair was sucked in. Harry heard a familiar voice yell. "OW! Who threw that bloody chair in here? Gryffindor! If it some tit like snivellus, then I'll bloody hex him to Tibet!" Then a head and neck appeared out of the black hole. It seemed ghostly at first, but then solidified.
"Alright Har...urk!" A pair of ghostly hands wrapped around Sirius Black's neck and pulled him back into the hole. (L Note: Yep. That's right. First it was Professor-Dumbledore-who-was-really-Lord-Voldermort. Now that was an absurd plot twist, but now Sirius is alive? Do you think this was a bad idea? Can you put it in your review, I like your feedback.) They all heard a man shout.
"WHY DID YOU DRINK ALL THE BLOODY BEER?" Sirius shouted back, "THAT WAS NEARLY TWENTY YEARS AGO!" Sirius' head reappeared, and another head and a pair if hands that were slamming Sirius's head into the floor.
"THAT WAS GOOD BEER!" The head and hands had now solidified by this time, and as it looked up, Harry stared into the face of his father.
"Dad." Said Harry. Ron and Hermione were forgotten for the time being, so were catching up on Transfiguration work, as they had all decided on short, violent lives serving the wizarding community, and had chosen to become Aurors.
"Hello, Son." James Potter replied, who stopped slamming Sirius' head into the floor.
"Thank you." Sirius murmured.
R Note: Sounds a bit Star Wars to me.
S Note: Harry, I am your father's sister's husband's cousin's butcher's uncle's pet Chihuahua!
R Note: You're a Chihuahua?S Note: No, it was a point I was making.
R Note: I knew that.
"Dad. What are..." harry started.
"Excuse me Harry, but can I just finish this. I have been waiting nearly twenty years to do something. With this, James dragged Sirius back into the black hole. Harry, Ron and Hermione heard several beating, and a woman shouted:
"GO ON JAMES, KICK HIM WHERE IT HURTS!" Then they heard a woman yelp in exclamation, and she rolled out of the black hole yelling "NOT ME, IT AINT GONNA HURT ME IF YOU KICK ME THERE, IS IT?"
She took one look at Harry, and her lip quivered.
"Harry, my baby..." she said. "Mum? Is that you?"
"Yes it is." Said Lily. "But if you don't mind, I have to finish this off. SIRIUS! GET HERE NOW!" She jumped back in the hole.
"Harry," Ron said, "let me get this straight. Your father is an alcoholic; your mother is going to kill Sirius by the look of things, and all three of them are alive, when we should have joined the bleeding choir invisible years ago."
"Yeah. What are the chances of this happening anywhere else except Hogwarts?"
R Note: Does my house count?S Note: Ditto.
R Note: Well, Lews?L Note: Maybe, I'll think about it.
"Pretty small." Said Hermione.
When James, Sirius and Lily eventually walked out, they were covered in cuts and bruises. Harry was dumbfounded.
"But you're..." he started.
"Dead?" finished his father. "Technically, we are, but when you said the magic words that open up the Interdimensional Portal to the Underworld, it gives us a chance to live again. All witches and wizards can.
"But what were you saying about the beer?" Ron asked.
"Well", James started, "on the night that Voldermort decided to come and do us in, Sirius had bought round some Castlemaine XXXX. We were a bit pissed and when Sirius drank the last can, I told him to go and buy some more. I told him not to take the motorbike, but he did. Hagrid confiscated it from him when they bumped into each other at the off license. When someone knocked at the door, we thought that it was Sirius, so we answered it. You know the rest, I'm sure." Harry sat down heavily.
His family had died because of a piss up.
"Harry, I know you're shocked at this, but can the others come in now? They want to see the old place."
"How many are there?"
"56000, give or take a few."
"Why not, it'll pee the teachers off.
R Note: I told you to bloody leave Sev alone.
S Note: Torture Sev!TO BE CONTINUED IN HARRY POTTER AND THE FINAL WEEK, WHICH IS EXTREMELY EVENTFUL, AND CONTAINS THE REAPPEARANCE OF SEVERAL, WELL 56000 STUDENTS. THE DEATHS AND/OR SUICIDE OF SEVERAL TEACHERS, AND HARRY AND HERMIONE...WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO READ AND SEE, WON'T YOU?
P.S. This fic and the rest of them in this series have had comments given by Renestrakaray (R Note:...) and Sezzi, Queen of the Pixis. (S Note:...). I have also provided some notes (L Note:...).
I want to say thanks to these two brilliant girls for helping me when I have been down, and even though they constantly find ways to annoy me, especially nowadays, but ask me about that later... Anyway, please read the fics of these two great people. I will never be as good as them, and I hope that we will always be friends.
Thanks Sezzi. Thanks Reene.
Peace.
Out.