(author's note: this is a collab with illustrious crackpot. This first chapter is by me and the second chapter will be by her

story by both of us original concept by crackpot)

Chapter 1

They were walking hand in hand along the lakeside, an occurrence Edward had thought only happened in movies. Lazlo skipped mirthfully next to Edward, who was trudging along, trying hard to keep up.

Edward sighed. He was learning a lot of things about love, ever since he and Lazlo had started being a couple. Currently, Edward was starting to see where sweaty palms fit in the whole thing. Lazlo seemed to have an amazingly high body temperature and was slowly melting Edward's hand to nothing.

"Whatcha thinkin' about, Edward?"

Edward scowled; this was the third time Lazlo had asked him that.

"Nothing."

What he had been thinking about was how boring and embarrassing this was. Just this morning he had found his lost toy gun, one of those old ones with a cork on a string, and had spent most of the morning shooting at defenseless bean scouts…up until Lazlo had dragged him here.

Lazlo leaned on him. "Edward, are we having trouble expressing our feelings?"

Edward hesitated. His face became the mask of terror of those about to receive therapy. "N-no!"

Lazlo smiled. "Then how are you feeling?"

"Fine…better" Edward answered, glaring are the sand under his feet.

Lazlo's smile widened. "That's good!"

He lifted up Edward's hand to his mouth and planted a kiss on the little platypus's fingers. Edward blushed. "Have some dignity, Lazlo," he said through gritted teeth, putting on a disgusted face, but he didn't pull his arm away.

"Look at them!" said a bush; it spoke in a high-pitched Indian accent.

Raj huffed and glared at the couple from behind the bush. He had been doing this for the past half an hour.

"Look. At. Them. Clam!"

Clam looked reluctantly, Raj's voice making him scared of what he might see.

In the world outside of the bush, Lazlo nudged Edward and started running in circles. After a moment of what looked like confused frustration, Edward took chase.

Clam blinked. Clam didn't really know what was going on. He shrugged. Oh well, he'd done what was required of him. He sat down and went back to doodling in the sand. He drew a perfect circle in the sand, two dots and a U inside it.

"Happy!" Clam grinned. He wiped away the smiley face's mouth and drew an upside-down U instead of it "Sad!" Clam frowned.

"I gotcha!" exclaimed Edward a few seconds before he actually got the monkey. Lazlo giggled and suddenly changed directions. Edward's feet skidded on the sand and he turned to follow.

Raj jumped out of his bush, dragging Clam behind him. "Don't worry! I'll save you, Lazlo!"

Edward caught up with Lazlo, bumping into him and wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's waist. They fell to the ground.

Then Lazlo leaned up and gave Edward a kiss on the lips.

"Holy mother of…! I am standing right here!!" screamed Raj, waving his arms in the air.

Clam covered his eyes. "Didn'tNeedToSeeThat!" he blurted quickly.

Lazlo looked around. "Hng? Oh, hi guys."

"I will never be the same again!!!" Raj continued. He screamed and ran in little circles and figure eights in the sand. Eventually he ran out of energy, stopped, folded his arms and glared at Lazlo. Clam duly noted this, and copied the pose and posture.

"Lazlo, may we have a word with you?

"Word!"

"Umm…" Lazlo rolled Edward off him, giving Edward a "be right back" smile as he stood up. He walked over to his two best friends and smiled at them innocently. Raj said nothing.

The silence grew like a marshmallow in the microwave.

Then Raj grabbed Lazlo by the shoulders and shook him. "What is wrong with you?!?!!"

Lazlo looked at him, bemused. "Huh?"

"You shouldn't kiss Edward like that! Don't you know..." Raj lowered his voice to a whisper even the elderly could hear. "He's a boy!"

Lazlo gave his friend a worried look he tried to play along. "Eheheh...I...did not know that, Raj…heh"

"It's not right!"

"Why?"

Raj's eyes bulged "Well..." He searched his mind for a reason. "Because…if boys started liking boys, then…girls would like girls and then where would we be!?"

"Here?"

Edward got up, brushing the sand off his shirt. He glared at Raj but said nothing.

"What are you trying to say, Raj?" asked Lazlo.

"You don't know what I am trying to say!? You don't know what I'm trying to say!?? I am telling you what I'm trying to say!"

"Confused!" added Clam.

"Lazlo, it's time to stop playing make-pretend-gay and come play with mee!" whined Raj.

"Us!" corrected Clam.

Lazlo twiddled his fingers. "But I love Edward."

Raj stared at him as if he was crazy. "No you don't! He's Edward!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Edward snapped.

Raj paused. How could he explain this? Edward was a jerk! The thought of someone as nice and wholesome as Lazlo being with someone as…mean as Edward was preposterous. Surely Lazlo deserved someone better, someone who would be nice to him.

"It means you, my friend, are a Meany!" Raj waved a finger under Edward's nose. "And undeserving of Lazlo's attention!"

Edward opened his mouth and closed it again. For a second he looked angry enough to kill the little elephant. Then he turned. "Fine! I don't need this!" he huffed, and stomped away.

It hurt, those words, they really hurt, but only because he had thought the same thing to himself over and over again. He didn't deserve Lazlo's unbridled affection, so he tried not to take too much, but the more he resisted the more Lazlo gave…

He sighed as he made his way to Pinto cabin. He slammed the door behind him, hard—so hard, in fact, that there was a clunk as one of the hinges fell off.

This place is held together with spit, thought Edward angrily.

Inside, Chip and Skip were playing with his popgun. Chip was holding it backwards with the butt of the gun pointed at Skip. "I don't think it's working…" he said.

Edward snatched the gun out of his hands. "Gimme that!" He turned it around and pointed it at Chip. Pop! The cork bounced off the dung beetle's head. Then he pointed it at Skip. Pop!

And then Edward stomped out of the cabin.

The twins looked at each other. "Are we dead?" asked Skip.

"I think so," his brother replied.

Then they promptly fell backwards and pretended to be dead.

Edward sat outside, leaning on the flagpole. He rested his popgun on his knees and started wishing everyone were dead.

&&&

"Raj…" Lazlo looked at his friend, pained. "I think you hurt his feelings…"

Raj looked worried for a second, then waved away the thought with a flick of his wrist. "He's fine! He's just naturally grumpy."

"Grumpy!" echoed Clam.

Lazlo made to leave, but Raj grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Wouldn't you rather play with us?" he pleaded.

Lazlo gave him an understanding look "Edward needs me, Raj," he said, and left to find Edward.

"We need you too!" Raj told his retreating back. "We are bored without you! Lazlo!"

Clam and Raj slumped, defeated.

"Lonely," said Clam. "And, eh, bored!"

Raj gritted his teeth. "That's it! I've had it up to here with Lazlo's romance! It's time to end it once and for all!"

Clam hesitated. "Um…yeah."

Of course, Raj thought to himself, whatever he did, it would be with Lazlo's best interest in mind. Where would Lazlo be without Raj protecting him?