Disclaimer: I do not own Tsubasa. Never in my life.
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Everything is gone. All is lost. All the uncountable pain and trouble he has caused scorching his heart like a fiery blizzard, clouded with unspeakable guilt and shame, filled with lies and hatred. And yet, he lives. Yet again he fights the urge to end his life, despite all knowledge. Why?
Is it because he wanted to make things right? To help those in need? With all the things he had done, how he wishes there's a spell to turn back time, to correct the mistakes, to foresee those terrors in life. But had he not tried to help? He did, so hard, but no matter how much he tries to help, everything will fail, because he can only cause pain and sorrow, grief and despair, anguish and rage.
He has no reason to live. But here he is, living, barely escaped from the place he once called home, with an armless ninja who is stupid enough to cut off his own irreplaceable arm for the sake of his valueless life. With a boy whose heart doesn't truly belong to him, and an empty shell whose soul gave away everything for the sake of them and a white manjuu.
All are asleep. How he wanted to cry, but couldn't. Clutching his dead heart beneath his chest, he seeks for a spell that could pull his heart out, if there is one.
"Why do I still live?" he whispered softly to himself in the darkness.
"Because you still believe," replied a weak voice behind him.
The magician needn't to turn around to know who it was. Before he knew it, a rough hand turned him around, his gaze locked with his. He's been avoiding this sight, because he couldn't look at him, he couldn't even think of him. Instantly, he felt heaps of guilt and shame crushing upon him, trapping him in a cold world of isolation. His eyes burned as he looked away. He won't show any emotions in order to stay as strong as he can, for the sake of the man standing right in front of him.
"You want to live because you still believe…"
Right. You really do know me, Kurogane. I stopped believing from the moment my brother died. And now since that hope of bringing him back is lost forever, I learned to not believe, because it always hurts to see the tower of efforts you made with your own sweat and blood collapse right in front of your own eyes.
"Because you still believe in happiness."
Fai felt his heart stop.
"You still believe in the warmth that existed around you during the beginning of this journey." With as much gentleness he dare muster, Kurogane placed his palm of Fai's chest, above his very own heart, frozen.
"Happiness warms and tames. It doesn't scorch and leave scars in its wake. You've trapped yourself in a freezing blizzard for much too long, Fai. Forget all those dark memories. It's over, I tell you. It's all over. Think of the time you were still with your brother. Think of Sakura and Syaoran with their smiles. Remember-"he paused suddenly, and continued. "-those stupid times when you still call me those stupid names that still pisses me off," finished Kurogane through gritted teeth, and surprisingly a smile.
Fai smirked for a moment, and then rams himself in deep concentration. He remembered when his brother used to comfort him and play with him in the snowy fields of Valeria, smiling and laughing. He recalled the times with Sakura-chan, how innocent she is when smiling so warmly, plastering that honest look while looking at her dear Syaoran-kun, and lets not forget the countless times Mokona annoys Kuro-puu to gain attention, and that funny look he has on his face while pressing the urge to slice him into half when calling him names. Good old times…
Suddenly, a burning sensation burst within his chest, squeezing all the breath out of him. Fai clutches his chest in desperate panic, not knowing his legs gave away, leaving him in the mercy of the cold, hard floor. He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. Everything was so hot, it was all melting…
Kurogane caught him in time. Holding him in his arm, the ninja was looking at a face that has gone completely white. "Fai..?" The tension starts to leave the magician's chest, but the hidden softness and warmth stays, along with a speckle of bitterness. Unconsciously, silent tears escaped him, and his mouth started to move. Slowly, Fai looked up. Kurogane couldn't suppress his surprise. He's never seen Fai smile like that before, his eye filled with sparkles, radiating warmth and light.
"It does feel so warm…" he muttered yet unconsciously.
Then, the bitter sensation took over, everything faded away immediately as if it were a mirage. Fai found himself shaking slightly. Tears started flowing out restlessly as he collapsed into the ninja's arm.
"Why..?"
Kurogane draws him closer. "Just hang on. Everything will work out. By the time, everything will heal, and maybe you'll be able to find the true meaning of happiness."
Fai doubts he will be able to understand happiness, and he doesn't believe in a happy ending, especially in their current situation. But now, in the dark, with each breath he takes, with every tear he cries in the hands of the person he trust most, his heart closes a fiery fire with the new strength to fight once more.