"Hey Tails."
"Yeah Sonic."
"Remind me why we're going to high school again."
Sonic and Tails were walking down the Path of Forest Beauty to the Secret High School of High Schooliness. They had been to many high schools before but this one was just as bland and tasteless.
"Sonic...you know the drill. You have to do fanservice. Still don't see why a genius of an IQ of 300, AKA me, has to go though."
"Fanservice."
"I guess so."
The two arrived at the Secret High School of High Schooliness and opened their mouths in shock.
"So many recolours," muttered Sonic as he stared at all the people in the grounds. The bell went and everybody walked inside. Tails slowly followed.
"Oh hi Sonic!"
Sonic had absolutely no idea where that voice came from until he was hugged by a brown, female hedgehog.
"Do I know you?" asked Sonic.
"No,but my name is Cindy," she said with a crazy blush on her face. "Do I look pretty?"
"Yeah..." said Sonic, closing in for a kiss. The two hugged each other and entered an embrace.
Of course, this was all a fantasy and before she had time to react, Sonic had said K-thanks-bai and rushed off to his class.
"Ok...so I'm in year 3.A and the first lesson is English on the fifth floor in classroom EN-53," muttered Sonic, looking at a timetable. He then ran up the spiral flight of stairs until the fourth floor. Someone had stuck their foot out and Sonic started tumbling down.
Cue Escape from the City...
Rolling down at the speed of sound,
Got classes to go to, gotta follow this map.
Can't roll down the stairs, have to keep moving on,
Guess what lies ahead, only one way to find out!
Must not hit my head,
straight into a brick wall, try not to fall.
Trusting in what you can't see,
Will not end in glee.
Sonic crash landed on the first floor. Just then, Shadow appeared infront of him with Rouge and Omega.
"Hey Shadow, why'd ya do that?"
"Hahahaha! I am not Shadow. I am Death, Shadow's twin brother. And I will touch you. Until you have been touched. In the PINGAS!"
"Um...that's creepy."
"Homophobe."
"That isn't homophobe, that's me not wanting to be violated."
"You lie. You bigot."
"You stupid. You go die now."
Sonic jumped up as quickly as possible and zoomed to his class to avoid any further troubles.
Meanwhile in Tails' class...
Tails was bored. He was in the bottom left corner, away from the door. The teacher was in the top left.
"Can somebody tell me the value of X if X+Y is equal to 40 and X-Y is equal to -20," asked the teacher.
All the kids began writing in the notebooks, except Tails.
"Miles Prower! Write!" yelled the teacher.
"Why should I if I know X is 10 and Y is 30."
"But...how...Wrong!"
"Taking into account of the slight breeze, I would have to throw my scissors at a 20 degree upwards angle and a 5 degree right angle with a force of 2000 Joules with an error of 50 Joules to hit you in the face and kill you."
Everybody was silent.
"Miles Prower, go to detention NOW!"
"Don't believe me?" asked Tails as he launched the scissors at the teacher.
HEADSHOT!
The teacher died. The class celebrated. Just then Cosmo walked up to Tails and kissed him.
"Why did you kiss me?"
"It's canon. By the international law of Fanfic I am allowed to kiss, hug or sexually harass you whenever I please."
"WHAT!?"
"Yeah. I really like the Canon rules."
"This is madness."
"No..." said Cosmo, reaching between the fox's legs.
"THIS IS CANNON!" screamed Tails, forming an energy cannon in his hand and sent Cosmo to the depths of furry hell with a great neon blast of epicness. "Nobody liked her anyway."
Since Tails is the 'main' character, he is impervious to all detection of the obvious.
"Yo, there's a corpse here," said a red Sonic Recolour with sunglasses. "Who did it?"
Tails put away his gun, walked away slowly and joined the party.
Back in Sonic's class.
Nothing interesting was happening, but Sonic couldn't help feel some tension in the air. The teacher was giving his usual lesson, but something didn't feel right. Sonic was sitting in the very middle of the class, so it made him feel even more uneasy. There were a few people that seemed to give of a...dark aura. It was nothing too bad, but he was still nervous.
"Oh dear. We are out of chalk. I'll go get some more," said the teacher.
Sonic shuddered. Whatever it was, Sonic tensed himself. Just then, the bell went. Why the teacher didn't know the time, Sonic would never get. Regardless, five or six people pounced from their chair and entered a frenzy. Sonic jumped out, grabbed his books, stuffed them in his bag and ran off. However, he was too late and was sucked into the frenzy. Within a minute the scuffle was over and Sonic quickly headed to Tail's class. The two met in the hallway.
"Hey Tails. Glad I found you here. This place is creepy."
"I agree..." said Tails running his finger up Sonic's chest.
Sonic slapped Tails. Realizing he had performed an act of animal cruelty, he apologised. "Oops! Sorry bro! Had a bad first lesson."
Tails shook his head and a pink dust fell out of his nose. Sonic stared at it.
"To the lab!" he yelled.
Somehow Knuckles and Rouge were in an empty classroom making out. This would soon advance past the making out phase. Shadow walked in and all hell broke loose in a way no sane person would want to describe.
"So you're telling me this entire school is infected with some sort of Fanbratitis?" asked Sonic, watching Tails inspect the dust.
"Yeah. It has various effects depending on the person. It can create incredibly obsessive desires, change sexualities, create emoness and increase the size of certain body parts."
"Yikes. That's dangerous. How many people have it?"
"Two. The rest of them were born like that."
"Wow. No wonder this planet's average IQ is 47."
A teacher walked in.
"What are you doing here without supervision?"
"I was..." said Tails.
"HEADMASTER!"
Headmaster's office
Tails was waiting outside. Sonic confronted his one and only nemesis: Dr Eggman.
"Muahaha! Sonic. I will not punish you if you do one thing for me!"
"I'll never help you Eggman!"
"Oh, but you see," he said, putting his arm around Sonic, "together, we can purge these fools."
"What are you talking about."
"The fangirls, the emos, and the brats. Once we clean up this vermin, we can rule this school as father and son."
"Now you're just speaking nonsense. But I like the kill all idiots thing. Continue."
"We shall increase the average IQ to 95!"
"Nice...nice..."
"And we shall have satanic orgi..."
Sonic had disappeared.
"DAMNIT!" he screamed, slamming his clipboard on the floor. "I'm so lonely..."
The bell went. It was recess. Everybody went flying into the school grounds. Sonic and Tails sat on a bench and ate Sandviches.
"This stuff is good. What did ya make it out of," asked Sonic, munching on the bologna, cheese and ham sandwich.
"This russian guy knows how to make these really good sandwiches. They all call him Heavy," said Tails.
Just then, Shadow walked up to them.
"I heard you had secks with mah boyfriend."
"What! I'm not even into boys!" protested Sonic.
"You ruined his angsty past. I challenge you to an EMO OFF!"
Everybody in the school grounds remained silent. Sonic stood up and cracked his knuckles. Speaking of, Knuckles was currently with Cream's mom. God knows why.
"You shall fall to me in the ring of Emo. My angst and trauma will destroy your puny non-emoness."
"The hell are you talking about?"
"EMO SPEAR!" yelled Shadow as he focused a large ball of Emo and launched it at Sonic, who easily dodged the blast. Sonic then curled up into a ball and slammed into Shadow. He fell to the ground and kicked Shadow in the groin.
"I do not feel pain for I am Emo! You cannot defeat me! Oshioranikan!"
"Why did you just say that in Japanese?" asked Sonic as Shadow sent dozens of flying disks at Sonic.
"I just made that up! Saying Japanese sounding stuff makes everything cool!" yelled Shadow as he barely avoided a homing attack.
"It makes you lame!" added Sonic as he smashed Shadow into the wall.
"That's...it...this...Emo Off...ENDS NOW! EMO CONTROL!" screamed Shadow as he teleported behind Sonic. "I have full power over my inner Emo. You cannot win."
Shadow then proceeded to beat Sonic senseless in midair.
"EMO BLAST!"
Shadow exploded in a massive ball of black and red Emo energy. Sonic was barely conscious.
"As you can see, I am superior in the way of the Emo! You cannot win!"
Amy, who was watching the battle the whole way through, finally got it through her insanely thick skull that Sonic was in danger. She got out her hammer and whacked Shadow in the face.
"Emo Charm!" yelled Shadow as his eyes blinked red for a second. Amy suddenly hugged Shadow and made out with him. While they were distracted, Sonic grabbed Tails' energy cannon and aimed it at the two.
"Don't!" yelled Tails. "You'll kill Amy too!"
"That's the plan."
"But don't you care about causalities?"
"With the planet's average IQ of 46, not really."
The energy bolt flew out of the cannon.
"ANGST SHIELD!" said Shadow as Amy was protected while Shadow himself was blown up. "Remember me...as the true Gary Stu of Emoness."
Sonic began slapping himself.
"What's the matter Sonic?" asked Tails.
"I don't know if this is real or Knuckles got me on crack again."
"Nope. You just killed Shadow."
"Yay."
Remember Cindy? That Mary-Sued OC who had an obvious crush on Sonic at the beginning of this story. Well now we're going to her point of view thingamajig. Nah, that would just suck.
Cindy walked down the hallway in pursuit of Sonic. After seeing him beat Shadow in an Emo-Off, she was determined to marry him.
"Sonic!" she said. "That was really cool."
"Heh," he chuckled. "It's what I do."
"So you're new here?"
"Yeah. I've been to a lot of other high schools though, so I should be able to get used to it."
"I can help you around."
Sonic grinned. "Finally, a person in this entire fucking school being HELPFUL instead of USELESS. So...tell me a little about fanbratitis. I heard it's in this school."
"Ah, Fanbratitis. It's actually kind of weird. It depends on the person, but it has a large amount of diverse effects," she said, reading a few notes. "Most are sexual."
She said the last part in a very sexy voice and Sonic noticed a pink dust. Then Death came up.
"YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! CHAOS SWISS ROLL!"
Death summoned the 7 chaos emeralds and exploded in a burst of orange light. Cindy sneezed on Death, who got Fanbratitis. But Death got a Chaos hard-on and licked his lips, staring at Sonic.
Cue Gotta Go Fast...
GO-GO-GO, GO-GO-GO, GO-GO ! ! Fappin' at Speed of sound They try
Gotta get ass ! Gotta get ass !
Gotta get harder, harder, harder-harder-harder ! !
Quickest fucker around !
Got ourselves a situation
Stuck in a new relation, no time for toleration
Get out or face penetration ! !
[...]
Sonic ! ! is on the run
Death ! ! has a wet one
Death is coming next so watch out for Sonic Sex ! ! ! !
Sonic ran around the corner, screaming, as Super Death chased him, trying to grab dat ass. Tails shot his energy gun to try and deter Death, but he turned around and grabbed Tails from behind.
"Ah! Help!"
Sonic stopped and turned around. His best friend, about to be violated because of fanservice. Well no way! Sonic charged at Death but was brushed aside. He could do nothing but stare as Tails lost virginity(again, since this has been done to Death(get it?) in other shitty fanfics). Then a flying purple ball of awesomeness appeared as Metal Sonic showed up and beat the living shit out of Death.
"HELLO SONIC, MY INFERIOR COPY!"
"Why hello, tincan. Thanks for saving Tails."
"SONIC. I MUST USE YOUR HELP. NOT EVEN I CAN STOP THIS."
"What is it this time?"
"A FANBRATITIS OUTBREAK.
"That's bad. Any idea how long it'll take to infect the school."
"5 SECONDS. TAKE THIS MACHINE GUN. TAILS, HAVE A SHOTGUN. AND A ROCKET LAUNCHER."
"Wait, how long?"
Just then, every recolour, OC and teacher in the school started gaining lust for...everything. But mainly Sonic.
"Well shit just hit the fan. What's the plan, metal can?"
"BEST PLAN OF ACTION: GO RAMBO!"
Tails screamed and hit himself on the head with a shovel before rocket jumping and raining explosives on everything. Sonic stood in place, screaming profanities as he sprayed everybody with bullets. Metal Sonic used the Chaos Emeralds to go Super and used the power of Purple to kill infected left and right. Sonic then noticed Tails rocket jump into a crowd that turned around.
"No! Tails!"
"IT IS TOO LATE. THE PLANET'S AVERAGE IQ IS 45 ANYWAY. EVACUATE TO TOP FLOOR."
Sonic nodded and shot everything while retreating. He ran out of ammo so he took hold of Tails' old Energy Blaster and ran upstairs. Metal Sonic and his inferior counterpart arrived on the roof. Soon, he ran out of energy and let Sonic go Super. Sonic remembered how Shadow harnessed the Emo and used the power to send every OC to furry hell. However, Tails was not an OC.
"Tails! Are you OK?"
"Of course I am, handsome."
"Calling me handsome means you're not OK."
"I'm better than I've ever been before Sonic. Join me. Join us all."
"NO! What have they done to you Tails?"
"They made me...pure. They made me sexy and they made me what I always should've been."
"Stop it!" cried Sonic.
"EMOTIONAL BOND INTERFERING WITH MISSION. SUGGESTION: KILL THE FUCKER."
Before Sonic could react, Metal shot out a Chaos laser that blew up Tails. But then, a girl descended from the heavens. She was no older than 13 and had long, blond hair and wore an elegant dress.
"Who are you?" asked Sonic.
"I am the Self-Insert. I am a deity of this world! Your attempts to stop my pairings will be in vain! My fics are this world's reality! They shall be eternal!"
Knuckles was making out with Sally Acorn and Bunny Rabbot. Then 3 Shadow Androids appeared and everybody took their clothes off
"Metal We need to go Super!"
Self-Insert laughed. "You think you can kill me with your pathetic Super Forms? I can go Super too!" she screamed as she erupted in a yellow aura.
"INITIATING PLAN B. SUPER EMERALDS LOCATED. TELEPORTING IN 3...2...1..."
Metal Sonic teleported the Super Emeralds onto the rooftop and the two went into their Hyper Forms.
"What? How did I not know of this?" panicked Self-Insert.
"You're not a true fan of me!" yelled Sonic. "You thought too much about the characters and pairings but not enough about the story's plot!"
"YOUR STORY WILL BE TERMINATED HERE. PLOT CONCLUSION: YOU DIE!"
Hyper Sonic and Hyper Metal chased Super Self-Insert into space where Sonic's speed caused dimensional tears, allowing to harness the power of the rift and send black hole lasers at her, as well as Shoop Da Whoops. Metal used the power of Super Purple to finish her off and their super forms expired. They all fell to earth, but the lack of Emo prevented them from dying a tragic death.
"Why?" sobbed Self-Insert. "All I wanted was to be cool and make a sexy fic world."
Sonic made an overly dramatic speech.
"This isn't just your fandom here! Us characters have feelings and personalities too. We aren't your puppets. You aren't a real fan. A real fan would respect how we were made and write in-character. You're a verminous fangirl. I hope you change your ways...for your own good."
"NEGATIVE. TERMINATING LIFE OF FANGIRL IN 3...2...1..."
Metal Sonic rammed himself straight through Self-Insert, splitting her in two.
"AVERAGE IQ OF PLANET INCREASED FROM 45 TO 93. SCANS SUGGEST THOUSANDS OF OTHER PLANETS HELD UNDER REIGN OF OTHER INSERTS."
"What are we waiting for?" asked Sonic. "Let's kick some butt!"
And with that, Sonic and Metal embarked on a quest, to free the galaxy of Fandom from the wrath of these strange deities.
The end