The Marie/Logan Ending
MARIE: Logan, you're back!
LOGAN: Yes, Marie, five minutes into my journey I realized
I can't live without you.
MARIE: But what about Jean?
LOGAN: Who?
MARIE: But what about your past?
LOGAN: Forget the past! Let's share the future!
MARIE: But I'm only seventeen!
LOGAN: No, you're not! You see, when I brought you back to
life, you also took six years of my age!
MARIE: Look! I can control my mutation!
LOGAN: That means I can touch you!
MARIE: Isn't it funny how everything worked out in the
end!
LOGAN: I've never used so many exclamation points in my
life!
MARIE: I love you!
LOGAN: I love you too!
(They kiss, get married, have little mutant children, and all the M/L 'shippers
rejoice.)
The Jean/Logan Ending
JEAN: I think she's a little taken with you.
LOGAN: Well, you can tell her my heart belongs to someone
else.
(He looks
at Jean seductively. She falls into his arms.)
JEAN: Oh, Logan!
(They
kiss, get married, have little mutant children, and all the J/L 'shippers
rejoice.)
M/L 'SHIPPERS: We don't like that ending!
The Scott/Logan Ending
JEAN: I think she's a little taken with you.
LOGAN: Well, you can tell her my heart belongs to someone
else.
JEAN: Who?
LOGAN: Scott.
SCOTT: I love you, Logan!
LOGAN: I love you too, Scooter!
AUDIENCE: Huh?
The Angsty Ending
MARIE: Logan, there's something I haven't told you. I'm
dying of cancer.
LOGAN: What?
MARIE: And I miscarried your baby.
LOGAN: But we never even—
MARIE: I want your face to be the last thing I see.
(She
swallows a bottle of sleeping pills and collapses in his arms.)
MARIE: Logan, I—I love you.
(She dies. LOGAN'S manly façade crumbles and he breaks
down and sobs. So does the AUDIENCE.)
The Crossover Ending
MARIE: You runnin' again?
LOGAN: Yeah, I'm going to go look for my past.
(A
wormhole opens near the door and SCULLY and MULDER slide through.)
MULDER: Wow, where are we? Last I checked, we were talking
to that hot chick with the weird name.
SCULLY: Did you notice they all had weird names, Mulder?
(She
gives MULDER The Significant Look.)
MULDER: Quinn, Wade, Arturo, Rembrandt…My God, Scully,
you're right! I think we may be onto something!
LOGAN: Another redhead!
(MARIE
suddenly looks very depressed.)
PROF X: Welcome to Xavier's School.
MULDER: Hey, it's the guy we met on the "Enterprise!"
SCULLY: Mulder, there's no such thing as mutants.
The Jubilee Ending
LOGAN: I'm off to find my past. Here, take my dog tags.
MARIE: I'll miss you!
JUBILEE: Hey, how come I only get a bit part?
The Scooby-Doo Ending
MARIE: You runnin' again?
LOGAN: Yes! (He
looks around furtively) I have to get out of here!
PROF X: Oh no you don't! (He uses his psychic powers to
freeze Logan in his tracks) Now let's see who you really are!
AUDIENCE: This ending is so overdone.
(PROF X
rips off Logan's mask.)
ALL: MYSTIQUE?
MARIE (musing):
Why would a shape-shifter need a mask?
MYSTIQUE: Because I wanted the money!
PROF X: You're a thief!
MYSTIQUE: I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't
for you darn kids!
MARIE: This ending is stupid.
LOGAN (stepping into
the scene with an annoyed look on his face): Yeah, and badly thought out.
Where's the real me?
MYSTIQUE: Let's just cut this ending short.
AUDIENCE: Thank God.
The Plot-Twist Ending
MARIE: You runnin' again?
LOGAN: Yes.
MARIE: But Logan, I love you!
LOGAN: Well, Marie, I have a confession to make.
MARIE: What?
LOGAN: I'm married with six children.
MARIE and JEAN: WHAT?!
LOGAN: Yeah. Oh, and also, I'm an international spy.
PROF X (getting up
and making a run for the door): Oh no!
(Everyone
gawks at him.)
LOGAN: Not so fast! *handcuffing PROF X to his wheelchair*
You're under arrest for drug smuggling.
MARIE: Huh?
LOGAN: Where do you think all this money comes from? It's
not like you people have real jobs.
The Mary Sue Ending (narrative)
As Logan bid Marie adieu, suddenly everyone's eyes were
drawn to the presence at the front doors of the mansion. Standing in the foyer
was the most beautiful person any of them had ever laid eyes on. She was tall
and blond and well-endowed and seemed to radiate positive energy. "Hello," she
purred, gazing at them with her glowingly bright green eyes. "My name is
Heather."
It turned out that Heather was a mutant and had all the
X-Men's powers combined. Also, she spoke fluent Spanish. Men wanted her! Women
wanted to be her!
Actually, everyone hated her, and they all breathed a
collective sigh of relief when she left to go save some other unfortunate
planet.
The
Hippie Ending
LOGAN: I gotta go, man. I gotta go save the whales and
shit.
MARIE: Dude, I thought you had to, like, go find your
past, and shit.
LOGAN (very
seriously): We gotta think of the big picture, man.
MARIE (nodding, just as seriously): Yeah, whales
are pretty big.
(They
smoke some pot.)
LOGAN: So, like, bye, and shit.
MARIE: Later, man.
The Wizard of Oz Ending
GOOD WITCH: But Logan, you've always been able to find
your past. All you have to do is click your heels together three times and say
"There's no place like Alkali Lake."
LOGAN (clicking his
heels together): I feel like a pansy.
The Jackie Chan Ending
MARIE: Logan, you can't leave. I—I love you!
LOGAN: But I have to.
MARIE: HII-YAA!
The Therapist Ending
LOGAN: I have to go find my past.
MARIE: How do you feel about that, Logan?
LOGAN: I'm okay with it.
MARIE: "Okay" isn't a feeling word, Logan.
LOGAN: Yes it is. See? "I feel fine. Okay?"
MARIE: Maybe this relates back to an event in your
childhood, Logan.
LOGAN: But I don't remember
my childhood.
MARIE: Ah, now we're getting somewhere, Logan.
LOGAN: You're making me really mad here, Marie.
MARIE: When we want to express a sentiment like that,
Logan, we don't start the sentence with "You." We say "When you…I feel." No one
can make you feel anything, Logan.
LOGAN: I'm outta here.
MARIE (running after
him): But Logan…how do you feel about that?
The Ending Ending
LOGAN: Now what
do you want us to do?
MARIE (looking
exhausted): We'll do anything you want! Just let us go home!
LOGAN: Yeah, it's really about time for this fanfiction to
end.
JANE: Okay.
(Everybody goes home
and takes a nap.)
The End.
