Disclaimer: It's 11:59 pm, I'm tired, and I have no energy to provide a clever disclaimer. I don't own DW. Woo hoo.
There are few things that remain a constant in the Universe. Time is always shifting, changing, being rewritten even as we speak. But for the Doctor, one thing that will always remain a fixed point is that he's always hurting people. Even those he doesn't know yet.
"Doctor, please tell me you know who I am."
Her expression was one of longing and desperation, clinging to the smallest strand of hope that her greatest fear had not been realized.
He wished more than anything at that moment to reply that he did know her, if only to banish the pain already starting to rest in her expression. But then he glanced down at the hand on his shoulder. So familiar, so intimate, so loving.
And he was absolutely terrified.
"Who are you?"
He knew that she was Professor River Song, archeologist, but that was only a title. Simply a shell encasing one's character, past, fears, dreams. He knew none of that, but he could tell at a glance that she knew all those things of him, and a lot more besides.
Given his superior intellect and years of experience, someone who knew more than him on anything gave, in his opinion, a right to be afraid. And you can't possibly trust something that you're afraid of.
But then she tells him name, a single word that expressed everything he was in his very essence. All it took was that one word for him to receive a sneak preview of everything this woman would become to him.
"You watch us run," she told him as he was forced to just look on as she gave up her life for him, yet another instance in which he's caused harm to someone he had, or in this case will, care about.
He was still terrified, but the way she had said that one simple sentence told him that he wouldn't have much choice in the matter.
~0~0~0~0~0~
River had certainly been right about one thing. He did run.
Right, left, up, down, forwards, backwards, and every other direction he could think of (about 208 off the top of his head), he was running. He ran around the crash site of the Byzantium, trying to keep everything under control. He ran through every obstacle thrown at him in the hopes of preserving the lives foolishly entrusted in his care. He ran away from the Angels, and towards Amy whenever she was in trouble.
And he would try to run from River Song, only to circle back and end up exactly where he started.
She was a magnet to him, pulling him closer and closer to her despite his every protest. She never failed to puzzle him, this mysterious woman who knew so much of him while he knew so little of her. And truth be told, he's always loved a good puzzle.
Though he trusted neither her nor himself enough to form any sort of bond, as time went on it became increasingly harder to climb out of the grave he's been digging. Her grave.
"I absolutely trust him," she declared.
"He's not some kind of mad man then?" Father Octavian asked.
After a pause, "I absolutely trust him."
Why? He had wanted to shout. Don't you realize that each time we meet you get one step closer to your own death?
Of course she didn't know that, but even if she did he felt like that wouldn't stop her.
She challenged him in ways his other companions would never dream of doing. They always took his words as fact, assumed he was some omniscient god who always knew what he was doing (like when he flew the TARDIS, for example), but River could never be fooled. She was reckless, blunt, and obnoxiously cocky.
And each time they parted, he found himself looking forward to the day when he would see her again.
~0~0~0~0~0~
He had tried, he really had. But his stupid, sentimental double-hearted system had at last overridden the commands of his brain. He cared about River.
But that was as far as it was going to get. He didn't care how much that smirk could get to him, how pretty her wild blonde curls looked under the moonlight (or any light, for that matter), how completely and utterly brilliant she could be. She was a friend, an occasional ally in his adventures. Nothing more.
But of course, his foolish hearts continued to persist.
"Hi honey, I'm home," he said casually.
It was a premonition of what he had a feeling in his gut was to come, from the moment she whispered her name in his ear.
"And what sort of time do you call this?" came her reply.
The retort made him smile. If he tried hard enough, he could pretend they were a regular, linear pair having a go at each other, like other normal couples did.
He knew he was starting to give in, and he still wasn't completely willing to accept fate just yet. But at least he could say he tried.
And if she wanted to run, then by all means, let the race begin.
~0~0~0~0~0~
Well, then... this is new.
That was the only thought the stunned Doctor could process as he just stood there with his lips trapped between River's.
It had been so long since he had allowed himself to find love again. The closest he had ever gotten in recent years was Rose, and before that... it had been too long for him to even want to remember.
He struggled to wrap his mind, something so knowledgeable in all areas but one, around the situation as he attempted to decide what to do with himself. Should he put his hands on her shoulders, or around her waist, or in her hair? Should he take the reins and start doing the kissing, or continue to allow River's far more experienced lips do all the work?
That last thought alone put the Doctor on edge. The way she was kissing him, arms following a familiar route she had clearly taken many times before... he knew that this would not be the last time he kisses River Song.
And suddenly his mind was running back to a place of bookshelves and shadows, diaries and spoilers. And fear, always fear. Even now.
The end result was that the legendary last of the Time Lords was reduced to a pile of jelly, his arms dancing in erratic orbits around his immobile lips stationed at the core, as he tried to retrace the steps taken long ago down the steep, slippery, treacherous slope otherwise known as falling in love.
He backed away awkwardly after she released him, and it was really a miracle that he didn't trip over his own two feet. He was quick to retreat to the safety of the TARDIS, flinging out a random assortment of words he hoped she would find encouraging.
"You know what they say," he called back from the doorway. "There's a first time for everything."
It was not until much later that he realized just what he had done, insides giving a painful lurch as he recalled the last muffled words that hadn't been meant for him to hear, words he had stored in the back of his mind to engage in other things and only just now being put together and given meaning.
And a last time.
But by then he had already gone through the Time Vortex, and even for a time traveler there's no turning back to fix the mistakes of his past.
~0~0~0~0~0~
The Oncoming Storm slowly rumbled through, surveying the damage caused at his hands. There were fallen bodies everywhere: Dorium, Strax, Lorna, and countless others to be added to the growing list of brave souls who gave up their lives for his sake.
And it still hadn't been enough to save the baby girl of his best friends. Now Amy wouldn't let him near her, and even Rory looked upon him with disappointment evident in his eyes.
The Doctor hadn't just failed. He had failed them.
But then she sauntered into the picture, full of smirks and witty one-liners and precious knowledge that she took care to flaunt right in front of him, always just out of reach.
When the self-enmity he had been harboring found her, it was all too eager to latch onto its new prey with full force.
He had laid out all of his best cards to rescue Amy and little Melody, and River had been his ace. She was from his future; she would know exactly how this would turn out, and therefore have the means in preventing it, fixed point or not. He was not to blame. She was.
He managed to live in that little fantasy for a good minute or so before River promptly shot it down and gave him a reality check. And though he was later to admit that he had certainly needed that, what he had wanted at that moment was just one victory, however small, to show that he could at least do something right.
"River... who are you."
It wasn't a question. It was an order.
As expected, River attempted to avoid having to supply an answer, but after the events of that day, the Doctor had had enough of playing her games. He had to know.
And in reply, River took him to his old cot, gently guiding him to read the lost language of his people carved into the wood. As he studied the ancient symbols, he felt his eyes morph from anger to curiosity to confusion... to understanding at last.
And as he glanced upward to gaze at the woman whom the last time he had seen hadn't been a woman at all, he was overwhelmed with a sudden bombardment of emotions. Excitement. Pride. Joy.
"Hello," he said, for the first time speaking that word with true understanding of whom he was greeting.
"Hello," she repeated back in her usual tone, like she was meeting with an old friend.
Not long later, the Doctor found himself in his TARDIS, bopping about happily as he ran to set the coordinates with a new purpose in mind, never before filled with such hope.
Melody Pond has been saved.
~0~0~0~0~0~
The Doctor braced himself against the desk behind him, not even caring that it belonged to the most despicable human being to ever walk this Earth. River was Melody. Melody was Mels. Mels was River.
It was a lot to take in.
As his mind reeled back to mere moments ago when the curly-haired innuendo on heels pranced about, hardly even acknowledging him, he thought about the Library. He's always thinking of that damn place. Every time he looked at her all he could see was those same eyes staring back in grief, despondence... and complete, utter devotion.
He imagines that was how his own expression appeared at that very moment.
"Who's River Song?" the woman, familiar yet unrecognizable, asked curiously.
All he could say in reply was the usual "Spoilers," because even then he still hadn't been entirely sure of the answer either.
After she ran off, the Doctor explained the situation to the parents sitting on either side of him, but he found himself learning from his own words just as much. "This isn't the River Song we know yet. This is her right at the start."
It doesn't work like that.
It does for the Doctor.
I am the Doctor!
Yeah, someday.
He's always thinking of the Library.
Everything about their relationship had been turned on its head. She had always been the trusting one, and just as he began to return the favor she went and betrayed him with a kiss.
But even if he wasn't going to make it, he could at least leave River with an understanding of what the two of them would one day be, just as she had so long ago.
Rule 408. Time is not the boss of you.
Rule 27. Never knowingly be serious.
Rule 7. Never run when you're scared.
Rule 1. The Doctor lies.
He knew that this last one would forever return to haunt him as he left behind an unusually peaceful River, sleeping soundly in a hospital bed. She was still recovering from nearly being killed by going against everything she had been brought up to be, and the Doctor had stupidly, selfishly allowed- even encouraged- her to do so.
He's constantly taking from others, never giving back nearly enough to repay the debt. Even (or perhaps especially) those he cares about most.
~0~0~0~0~0~
River's gotten him angry. Again. And he's yelling at her. Again.
As he was a bit tied up at the moment (he was glad he didn't say that one out loud; he probably would have been slapped by both the woman present), he could only stand there in exasperation as she revealed her plan to send a distress call to the whole of reality. But who would be willing to answer after all the damage he's done?
"It's insane. Worse, it's stupid! You embarrass me."
Time was dying at his hand, and as a Time Lord it was his duty to preserve it. Even if it meant spewing out a string of lies and hurting someone he cared for. Maybe even loved.
He had thought that that would be the end of it, but he was to learn that this woman will always manage to surprise him for as long as he lives, however short that time may be. All along she had only wanted to know what he means to the universe. And as he looked up into a sky full of exploding stars, all for him, he at last hears it. The sound of a million voices wanting to be heard, to thank him for all he's done for them.
But all he can think of is the voices not being heard, forever silenced because of him.
"River, you and I, we know what this means. We are ground zero of an explosion that will engulf all of reality. Billions and billions will suffer and die."
"I'll suffer, if I have to kill you," she said.
"More than any other living thing in the universe?" he challenged.
There were tears in her eyes. Strong, fearless River Song, reduced to something as ordinary as crying.
But her voice didn't waver in the least when she answered, "Yes."
Anger giving way to frustration, the Doctor tried in vain to break his cuffed hands free. "River- River! Why do you have to be this way?"
It was a question he had been asking since the day he met her.
Everything about River was impossible. She was foolish and brilliant, irritating and endearing, senseless and wise, strong and fragile, cold and kind, frightening and intriguing, terrible and amazing.
Just like him.
Suddenly everything became clear. She was his other half, a perfect fit in every way. And after a thousand years of running, wasn't it about time he found someone to run by his side?
So he stood before her, wrapping a piece of fabric around his hand as he instructed River to do the same. He barely managed to suppress a smile. Now she'd have to admit that bow ties are cool.
Ans as they went through the motions of the rushed ceremony, he couldn't help but think that even if the universe wasn't threatening to implode on itself, this was meant to be. Of course, he had been planning to cheat fate all along, make everyone forget the Doctor, even his closest friends. He had gotten too big, too many expectations from people that he would ultimately let down. But River refused to give in, fought her way through until he finally relented and entrusted in her care not only both his hearts, but a secret shared only between the two of them.
Silence will fall. But not today.
~0~0~0~0~0~
The TARDIS door swung softly to a shut behind him as the Doctor departed from the Pond residence for the last time. He had done just as Amy had asked, visited little Amelia Pond and told her a bedtime story as she lay asleep on her suitcase. He could have stayed there forever, going on about everything and nothing, but he was forced to leave before his past self- fresh from rebooting the universe with the Pandorica- came along.
He brushed past the consule, pressing a button here and flipping a switch there without any conscious idea of what he was doing. After slumping back on the steps, he took hold of Amy's afterward and read through it once again. Creases were already etching into the spots where his fingers resided, but he just couldn't tear his eyes from Amelia's last farewell.
Amy and Rory had been a part of him for so long now, he had allowed himself to believe that they would always be there. But now there were no more Ponds left to wait for him.
"Sweetie?"
All but one.
The familiar click-clack of heels grew steadily louder as River moved to sit down beside him. The Doctor stared ahead blankly, and even without using his psychic ability he could tell exactly what she was thinking. "I'm fine."
His wife said nothing, but he didn't even need to look at her to know that she was studying him as she would an archeological artifact, tearing every detail apart as she figured out the meaning behind them.
He sighed. "I will be fine."
Gently wrapping an arm around him, River pulled him into her embrace, and the Doctor readily complied. He burrowed his face deep into her shoulder, and she kissed the crown of his head before resting her chin on it, providing him with the comfort that he should be offering to her.
He knew that she didn't think he could feel the tears slipping into his nest of brown hair. But he also knew that by the time he finally gathered the strength to lift his head, he would not find a sliver of evidence that they had ever even been there.
"I said I would travel with you some of the time," she said softly. "Would you like now to be one of those times?"
His curt reply provided a thin film over layer upon layer of grief. "I don't want you to come."
Her arms stiffened before releasing him, and she turned to go. But before she had the chance he caught her wrist, the very one that had gotten her upset when he had played Doctor towards her, and he completed his statement.
"I want you to stay."
He was done with running. All that came of it was him tripping and falling, battering and bruising himself and whoever else he took down with him, only to pick himself back up and keep going with no finish line in sight.
The stoic expression that he knew masked a lifetime of pain turned to a sad smile of understanding. They returned to their previous position, this time with her head on his shoulder, his hand still cradling her wrist.
Just as when he had tried to keep his distance from River in his youth, a part of him knew that one day he would return to his never-ending travels throughout time and space. But until then, he would cling to his Melody like he hadn't been able to do so with her parents.
Some day they would have to face the Library once more. But first they still had plenty more running to do.