SPOILERS: up through season 7
Dean had never been one for love. Between vengeful spirits, murderous demons, and having to stop the apocalypse, he never had time for it, or at least that's the excuse he gave himself. He was more of a one night stand kind of person, finding the hottest available chick in the bar and taking her back to a shitty motel only to leave her without a single word the following morning. He would occasionally end up with her number, but those small slips of paper he found hidden in his pocket on those occasions would always find their way to the trash without a second thought as soon as they were discovered.
He never even thought about finding love, especially after what happened with Lisa. He had let her in, as was his brother's dying wish, thinking he might be able to escape the life, but when Sam returned from Hell without a soul and dragged him right back into the life, he was forced to leave her behind and abandon his last hope for any sort of love or normal life.
He wasn't good with feelings, part of the reason he established the no-chick-flick-moments rule with Sam when they first started hunting together again after Jess's death. He had a lot of feelings of course, he just wasn't good with sharing them or talking about them, not like Sam always was. Sam had always been completely open with people. He rarely hid things. Dean was the opposite. Dean rarely shared things, thinking it best to just keep it to himself.
Dean had never been one for love. Hell, he hardly even believed in it. So why did he suddenly feel something for an angel? Dean wasn't gay, not even a little bit. He'd never been with a guy before, never even looked at one with any sort of romantic inclination, so why was he suddenly so attracted to one? He knew that Castiel, being an angel, was only in a male vessel and probably had no real gender, but it was still strange for him.
He didn't know when it began for him. It probably started around the time Castiel sacrificed himself to the archangel to help them. He had thought he would lose Cas at that point and had been utterly surprised and relieved when Cas showed up again, apparently unharmed. Of course, he didn't realize what his feelings were at that point. That realization hadn't come until later. The moment when Dean realized he was in love with his angel was the same moment he realized it was far too late for anything like that. It was the moment Castiel apologetically looked back at him with fear and regret evident in his deep blue eyes. The moment when Castiel opened the gates to Purgatory to give the souls back. The moment when everyone in the room thought he was going to die right there in front of them. This was the moment Dean knew he had fallen completely in love with an Angel of the Lord.
Now the Leviathans had killed Cas from within and drowned his body in a murky lake. Dean had even fished out his trench coat. Dean was never going to see him again, and that fact was killing him slowly. The last time he'd felt like this was when Sam was killed by Jake, but he knew how to save him. When Sam jumped into the pit, he missed him terribly, but he knew that that was the only way to save the world. When Sam was stabbed by Jake, he could make a deal for Sam's life, and he had. But how do you bargain for the life of an angel? He was sure that that was out of the range of a crossroad's demon's abilities. Even Crowley, the King of Hell himself, couldn't and wouldn't do that. Not retrieve Cas, not after what he did. He wouldn't help Dean like that, even if he could.
Dean went through daily life as always. He hunted demons and ghosts and looked for ways to kill Leviathans, but he was merely a shell of his former self. He knew he needed to pull it together, if not for himself, then for Sam. Sam needed him right now. He was seeing Lucifer in his head; that must be hard on the poor guy. Dean should be playing the part of supportive older brother, and he was trying to, he really was, but he couldn't get over the fact that he had just lost one of the most important people in his life. Not to mention he was in love with the guy.
Sam had noticed how closed off he had been. It was to an unusual degree, even for Dean. He had even confronted him about it a few times, but those confrontations usually went something like this:
"Dean, do you want to tell me what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong."
"Dean." This was always accompanied by one of Sam's signature looks. The look that screamed I'm your brother and I know something's wrong so don't even try to hide it from me. Dean would shift uncomfortably under his gaze for a moment or two before responding.
"Sam, nothing's wrong. You don't need to worry about me. Worry about yourself," he would snap. This is where Dean always tries to turn the conversation on Sam. "How are you holding up anyway Sammy?"
"Dean, I've told you. I'm fine. Don't try to turn this on me." Sam would glare at him again until he said something.
"Sam, I'm fine, okay? Just drop it, please." At this point, Sam would usually give up on trying to convince Dean to admit that something was bothering him. One time, however, Sam kept pursuing the issue.
"Is this about what happened to Cas?" Dean's sharp intake of breath didn't go unnoticed by Sam. It inspired him to continue on the topic. "Dean, that wasn't your fault, you know. There was nothing you could've done."
"You don't know that." Dean refused to look Sam in the eyes. He had found a spot on the wooden table they were sitting at that suddenly became very intriguing.
"Dean, he would've done that anyway. It's what he thought was right."
"What do you know? Maybe if I'd said something different, he would've changed his mind."
"Dean…" Dean's head snapped up to look Sam in the eyes.
"Drop it, Sam!" Dean didn't give Sam a chance to say anything else. He got up and stormed out the door, going to find the nearest bar and drink himself into oblivion.
Sam eventually stopped trying so hard. He knew when his efforts were being wasted. Dean would still occasionally catch him staring at him quizzically from across the room when he thought Dean wasn't looking, but he didn't ask questions anymore.
Dean had resigned himself to the fact that Cas was dead and he wasn't coming back. He tried to drown his sorrows in booze and women, and, for a while, it seemed to work. He was forgetting. He was moving on. It had been almost a year since that fateful day when he last saw his angel, possessed and walking right into the water. He had stopped thinking about that moment on a daily basis. Of course, thoughts and images of the angel still floated through his mind, and he still loved him, but he began to think he was capable of moving on one day. Maybe he could even find a nice girl to settle down with. He knew that was unlikely due to his complicated life as a hunter, but can't blame a man for hoping.
Dean was currently working a job with Sam. It was just a typical vengeful spirit case. The spirit of a teenage girl who was driven to suicide in a small town in Illinois was out getting revenge on her high school bullies. Sam was currently with the next victim, keeping him protected in a salt circle, fending off angry ghosts with an iron rod, while Dean was sent to burn the remains. They had found out the body was buried in a cemetery that was difficult to find. Dean drove past it three times before seeing the obscure sign pointing to a dirt road. It was comepletely surrounded by trees, hidden in the woods.
He dug up the grave of the poor woman as quickly as possible, breaking open the casket to reveal the bones. He set them on fire and stood by the grave, watching them burn. The fire illuminated the night in an eerie way.
For a split second, he swore he heard the sound of the faint fluttering of wings that he knew so well. It was the sound that meant Cas was there. But that couldn't be, Cas was gone. Cas was dead, he knew that. It was only his imagination; his mind was hoping Cas would be there. He turned around on some instinct anyway, just to see, even though he knew there would be nothing. He refused to get his hopes up.
When he was suddenly confronted with the sight of Castiel smiting a demon that must've snuck up on him, lighting up the woods for a split second, he couldn't stop his jaw from dropping open in shock. Castiel's back was to him as he scanned the area for any other demons. When he decided there were none, he slowly turned to face Dean.
"Hello, Dean," he said in that gruff voice that Dean couldn't get out of his head over the last year. Dean just stared at him with his mouth still hanging open.
"Cas…" was the only thing he said before he was on him, arms around his neck, hugging him as tightly as possible. It took Cas a moment before he reacted to the sudden display of affection, gently twisting his arms around Dean's waist. Dean reacted by holding him even tighter. Dean couldn't help the single tear that rolled down his cheek. He reluctantly pulled away from Castiel after what seemed like forever, but still kept his hands gripping Castiel's shoulders. Cas's hands remained loosely on Dean's waist.
"Cas, I thought you were dead. I thought they killed you." He could hear the raw emotion leaking through his own voice. He was being such a girl, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
"I'm not that easy to kill." Dean let a small smile cross his face before he frowned and pulled away, dropping his hands to his side and forcing Cas to do the same.
"So if you've been alive all this time, why didn't you come back? I missed you."
"I had duties to attend to. Clean-up after the civil war was necessary."
"You could've at least let me know you were alive. I thought you died! I had to watch you walk into a lake and never come back out!" Dean knew he was letting too much emotion show through. He knew that Castiel was an angel and probably didn't return his feelings, but he couldn't bring himself to care enough to stop and walk away from this situation. He loved Cas too much.
"I didn't return because I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to go back. I would've stayed here with you." Did Cas mean what Dean thought he meant? Cas actually cared about him that much. Dean didn't say anything, just stood, staring into Castiel's aqua colored eyes.
"Dean, I missed you too."
Those words did it for Dean. He couldn't hold back any longer. He stepped closer to where Castiel stood, wound his arms around Cas's neck, and kissed him with everything he had. He put as much emotion as he could into that one kiss. It took a moment before he felt Cas wind his arms around his waist and hesitantly kiss him back.
As much as he would like to stay there kissing Castiel forever, he knew that Sam was waiting for him. By now, Sam was probably thinking he had been injured or worse. This thought compelled Dean to reluctantly pull away from Cas, opening his eyes to see Cas looking at him with an expression he'd never seen on the angel's face before. Cas was smiling. It was slight, but it was there. It caused a huge grin to break out on Dean's face before he hugged Castiel tightly again.
"Cas, I love you," he whispered into Castiel's ear. He felt Cas's grip on him tighten slightly.
"I love you too, Dean." They held each other like that for a few more moments before Dean again remembered Sam was waiting for him.
"Cas, as much as I want to stay here with you, I have to go get Sam." He said while pulling away. "You're welcome to come with me." Cas nodded and Dean took his hand, leading him out of the woods to where he left the Impala. They walked in silence, content just to be in each other's presence after a long year.
When they reached the car, Dean left Cas standing by the passenger door with a command to wait there. Cas did as he asked as he walked to the trunk. Dean opened it and rooted around for a moment before pulling out a bundle of beige cloth. He walked back around to where Cas was waiting. Upon closer inspection, Cas realized that it was his vessel, Jimmy's, trench coat that he never took off.
"You kept that all this time?" Dean nodded.
"I couldn't get rid of it. Good thing, too. You're gonna be needing it again."
Dean pressed the cloth into Castiel's hands and Cas unfolded it and shrugged it on, glad to have it back. He looked to Dean to see him smiling at him fondly. He felt himself smile back.
Dean walked back around the car to get into the driver's seat. Cas took this as his cue to get into the passenger's seat. Dean looked at him, seemingly surprised.
"I thought you hated cars."
"I'll put up with it this time. Your car isn't so bad anyway." Dean grinned. Cas liked his baby.
Dean started her up and drove off toward where he left Sam. They didn't say anything on the ride over. About halfway there, however, Dean felt Castiel's hand cautiously come to rest on his thigh. Dean took his eyes off the road for a split second to see Cas looking out the window. He smiled to himself and looked back to the road. He took a hand off of the steering wheel to place it over Cas's hand on his thigh and squeeze it slightly. Cas looked over at him at the same time he looked back at Cas and they both smiled. Dean looked back to the road, but he could feel Cas's eyes on him for a few more moments.
The car ride was short. Before they knew it, Dean was pulling up to the motel where Dean was to meet Sam. Dean could see a very pissed looking Sam outside on the phone. When Sam saw Dean pulling up, he hung up and walked to the front of the car. Dean got out of the car and met Sam in front of the car only to be faced by Sam's rage.
"Where were you, man? I've been waiting here for an hour! Why didn't you answer your phone?"
"Whoa, I can explain."
"Well, start explaining." Dean glanced back to the car where Cas was still seated in the passenger seat. Sam followed his gaze.
"Dean, is that… Cas?" Dean nodded almost imperceptibly. Cas took this as his cue to get out of the car. He came to stand next to Dean. Sam stared at him, wide-eyed in amazement and shock.
"Hello, Sam."
"Is it really you?"
"It's me." Sam caught him by surprise when he hugged him. Cas reacted quickly and hugged him back, though their hug was much briefer than that of himself and Dean. Sam pulled away from him with a smile on his face.
"We thought you were dead."
"Dean mentioned that."
"I'm glad your back, Cas. Dean was a mess without you here." Sam smirked.
"Sam!" Dean interrupted.
"What? It's true!"
"There's still no need to announce it." Sam's smile widened. He finally had his brother back. He could see the difference in him in just the few minutes since he'd gotten back. It was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He was more like his former self again, before any of this happened to them. Years in this line of work had worn away at him. He was tired and Sam could tell. But when Cas came, that seemed to change. His world seemed just a little bit brighter. When they lost Cas, Dean's world crumbled around him and he was worse off than before. Now that Cas is back, though, Sam can see that spark return to Dean. He was happy, if only for now. Sam was happy as well now that his brother was.
"Come on, let's go inside." Sam turned to lead the way back to their motel room. Dean and Castiel followed a few steps behind him. They entered the room and all sat down at the table, Dean and Cas on one side and Sam opposite to them.
"So where have you been?" Sam asked.
"I assume you're addressing me." Cas said. When Sam nodded, he answered. "I had duties to attend to in heaven. Clean up was in order." Sam nodded in understanding, not pressing the matter any further than necessary.
"Well, it's great to have you back." Sam smiled warmly as he spoke.
Things were silent for a few moments in which Dean stared at Cas, Sam stared at Dean staring at Cas, and Cas looked somewhere over Sam's shoulder. Cas eventually broke the silence when he spoke up.
"If it's ok, I think I'd like to stay here with you for a while." He murmured the words, just barely raising his voice above a whisper. As he spoke, he glanced over at Dean, a question in his eyes as if he were pleading with him. Sam observed this silent exchange and couldn't help but notice that they both seemed to rely heavily on each other. Cas was looking only to Dean for an answer or at least reassurance of some sort. He couldn't help but wonder exactly what had happened between the time Dean burned the bones and the time Dean picked him up, an angel in tow.
"Uh, yeah. Yeah, of course you can, Cas." Cas let the tension release from his shoulders and smiled bigger than Sam had ever seen him smile.
"Thank you, Dean."
"Uh, sure. It's no problem." Dean said as he rubbed the back of his neck. Sam knew now that he'd missed something. He could see it in the way Dean was avoiding eye contact with both of them, but stealing glances at Cas when he thought no one was paying attention. Sam's eyes lit up as he figured it out. He stood and announced that he was going out and would be gone for a while. As he walked out the door, he saw Dean look Cas in the eye for the first time and smile compassionately, and he knew he had gotten it right.
Dean turned to Cas as soon as the door closed behind Sam, smiling widely. Cas returned the smile before leaning forward from his chair to gently brush his lips against Dean's and pull back immediately. Dean normally would've gone for more, but this was Cas. Cas was special. He wasn't like all of those girls in the bar. He meant something to Dean, and he was important to Sam, too. Dean smiled at him as he got lost in thought. Cas wasn't just the angel who saved Dean anymore. He wasn't just heaven's servant, only with the brothers because God commanded it. He was more than that now. He was one of them, a Winchester. Castiel had become family, and Dean wouldn't have it any other way.
Okay, wow. I don't really like this much… I wrote most of it a while ago and just finished it up today. I'm not too proud of the result, but I'm not going to do anything else with it because I want to start a new fic soon.
Even though it's not my best work, I still hope you review! Even if you hated it, I'd love to hear from you!