Hello there everyone. This is a companion piece to my story I Drown Out All My Sense, inspired by a reread of Deathly Hallows and my own back story for Remus. Quotes come directly from DH, written by J.K.R., and not me. Title from a Panic at the Disco song, She's a Handsome Woman. Enjoy!
Remus Lupin was seething. Utterly seething. In his entire life he was positive that he had never before felt such rage. Not even after Sirius left had he been this angry. Not after the deaths of Lily and James and the supposed death of Peter, not after the supposed betrayal of his best friend.
No, this for some reason has upset him, angered him, far more than any other incident in his life. Because, in less than five minutes, Harry Potter had turned Remus's carefully constructed, logical argument on him. He had flipped the argument and likened Remus to the one thing that he literally could not bare to be compared to.
Remus Lupin had been compared to his father, unwittingly, by Harry Potter.
Remus replayed the conversation over an over in his head, desperately searching for the weakness in his argument, the failure of his persuasion. The flaw in the plan. He was only trying to do what was best. Really and truly his intentions were pure. The argument had not gone as planned.
What had gone wrong?
Why hadn't Harry understood that he was offering him help, help that could be very valuable to him? Why did he have to make it a matter of family and love? Why was it that all that Harry and Dumbledore could ever talk about was love and family? Neither of them ever really had them, for God's sake. Harry the orphan. Dumbledore the recluse, always kind enough to butt into everyone else's business, but never willing to share anything about himself. So why on earth were they so concerned with love? It was wasn't as if love was particularly amazing anyway… it only got people hurt.
Like Remus himself.
Like he was doing to Tonks now.
He had to leave, had to hope that while he hurt her, she would be better off.
Why hadn't Harry seen it that way?
Remus's head was spinning with rage and anger and shame. It was spinning, like a top, unable to grasp anything. All that Remus's mind seemed capable of wrapping itself around was one small piece, the piece that kept him rooted in angry agony.
"Harry, I'm sure James would have wanted me to stick with you."
"Well," Harry said slowly, "I'm not. I'm pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren't sticking with your own kid, actually."
There it was. The flaw in the argument, wrapped up in Remus's own anger. Of course Harry wouldn't have understood that he, Remus, had put Tonks in a terrible position by marrying her, and an even worse position by getting her pregnant. Tonks, fully of life, bursting with energy, was now a social outcast, and their child was doomed to be the same.
And Harry, the orphan, obviously couldn't understand that sometime one less parent was for the best. The child didn't need a father he had to be ashamed of. This child, it didn't deserve a terrible life like that.
And yet…
Suddenly, it all became clear to Remus.
Harry was right. Completely and utterly right.
Remus felt sick suddenly as realization crashed over him in huge, destructive waves. If he left his wife, left his unborn child, he would become his father.
No, worse.
John Lupin had left his family because of what Remus was.
Remus was leaving because of what his child could be. His child could be a werewolf. His child could be ashamed of him. His child could be anything…
It was as if he had broken out of a trance, suddenly. Remus didn't want to become his father. He didn't want to leave his wife, his only family, his unborn child. Those were things that he had wanted, prayed for, longed for, for so many years. Yes, he was in a sense being selfish, but after years of self sacrifice, he felt that he deserved it. A chance at a "normal life." A chance to love his wife, watch his child grow up, enjoy something for a change. Wasn't it his turn to be happy? It would be foolish, stupid, cowardly as Harry had said, to leave all of that just to escape a long list of "could be's".
Tonks was laying in her childhood bed, staring at the clock on the wall, her hand resting absently on her ever-so-slightly swollen middle. It had been four days since she had seen Remus. No word from him. Nothing.
She swallowed hard.
Her mother had tried to be consoling, but Tonks suspected that her bitterness over her daughter choice in men had prevented her from feeling true worry over the absence of her son-in-law.
Tonks, however, did not suspect that he had been captured by Death Eater or killed, despite the relative probability of those occurrences. Rather, she expected that Remus has simply left.
She had seen it coming. He had been acting strange on the days leading up to the wedding. Detached, almost cold in regard to her. She knew that he blamed himself for her new status as a social outcast. She knew that he was worried about the child, if it would be a werewolf, if it too would suffer the prejudice that its father had suffered.
She sighed again, staring back at the clock. It was an awful thought, she knew, but she would almost prefer it if something had happened to Remus. Had he been killed or captured or anything like that, at least she would not have to tell her son or daughter that their father had just left one day. At least then they wouldn't see him as a monster for leaving; they would see him as a hero for dying for them. Tonks had seen what the knowledge of an intentional abandonment had done to Remus. She didn't want that for her child.
Feeling all around completely and utterly sorry for herself and her baby, Tonks sighed, lifting her wand to distinguish the lamp and go to sleep. And then the most pleasant sound in the world filled her ears. The sound of her husband's voice. "You're still awake?"
Tonks smiled, turning to look at him. "Couldn't sleep." She stood up, wrapped her arms around him, and kissed his cheek. "Did you just get in?"
He nodded, taking her by surprise and capturing her lips in his. "Dora, I love you," he murmured once they broke apart.
"I love you too," She said, smiling and kissing his nose. "You look exhausted. Let's get you to bed."
He simply nodded, kissed her again, and turned out the lights.
Remus and Tonks never spoke of that night for the rest of their lives, Remus too ashamed of himself, Tonks too proud to let him know that she had known all along.
Fin.