He's watching her.
Again.
She's lying in bed next to him, asleep. He woke a little while before, but he couldn't find the strenght to get up and leave her, even for coffee. They arrived at the hotel on the beach late the day before, they've spent their first night together since Nanda Parbat making love to each other, and he promised himself that when she'll open her eyes in the morning, he'll be by her side. So he's simply lying there, staring at her.
She's on her back, her blonde locks spread on the pillow, one hand on her stomach and the other on the white sheet, barely covering her naked body. She's beautiful.
He's fighting the impulse to reach for her and take a lock of hair out of her face when she moves. She turns on her right side, exposing the naked skin of her back to him. He smiles lightly, reaching her with his fingers. He's just caressing her side when he sees it.
Dark ink on her skin, just below her left breast. He moves close to her, until he can see the tattoo clearly.
Two little words.
Tempus Fugit
He passes his finger on top of it, taking the words in. He's so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't realise that she's awake and she's staring at him, smiling.
He smiles back.
"I didn't know you had a tattoo."
"Really?" She asks with a sleepy voice.
"Yeah. I can't believe i didn't see it before…especially last night." He grins at her and she blushes.
"It's small"
He stares at her skin, reading the words.
"Tempus Fugit?"
"It's latin. It means: Time flies."
He keeps his fingers over it, looking pensive. He knows it means something…something deeper. But he's afraid of asking.
"It was something the Clock King told me actually.." His eyes snap back on her face.
"Before I hacked his phone and knocked him out. He was about to shoot Sara again, and he just said that. Tempus fugit."
Oliver's staring at her, a questioning look on his face.
"I didn't get it at the time either. He was dying, remember? He had a terminal disease, and he needed the money, not for himself. For his sister."
He nodded. "I remember. But this…" he touches the tattoo again.
She remains silent for a while…staring at the ceiling. "It's a long story." She breathes after a while.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." They've spent only a day of their new life together and he doesn't want to push her.
Her eyes fall back on him. He was still caressing her skin with his fingers, watching her.
"I did this four weeks after Malcom Merlyn told us that you were dead." His entire body stilled for a moment.
She smiles sadly at him.
"I'm afraid of telling you this…because i don't want you to feel more guilty that you already feel."
He takes her in his arms, impossibly close to him. "You can tell me everything."
"Promise me. No guilt." She whispers.
"I promise."
She takes a deep breath.
"I wasn't in a good place. You didn't come back, but i couldn't believe that you were gone. You couldn't possibly be dead, because i was sure i would have felt it, you know? I knew that if you were really gone, i would have felt it in my bones. And i didn't… But then, Merlyn gave us the sword with the blood, and i knew it even before i tested it, that was yours. And i realised…that i was in denial."
He's staring at her, a sad expression on his face.
"So i mourned you. I fell apart, completly. I left the team. I couldn't sleep…i was barely eating. I didn't left my house for i don't know how long, risking my job…everything. I couldn't find the strenght to get off my bed. I had your voice in my head all the time…"
"Digg-"
She interrupts him. "John was there for me. And Lyla too. They took care of me the best way they could, really. But it wasn't something they could fix."
He passes his hand on her skin…then her hair. She takes his hand in hers, locking their fingers together.
"I was losing my mind, Oliver. I was really losing my mind…i never felt so lost and hurt, and without a purpose in my life. I never thought i could feel such deep emotions for another person."
He looked in pain only by hearing her words.
"And then, one night that i couldn't sleep, i found your blue shirt. The one you gave me after Sara patched me up? It was still stained with blood on the shoulder. And in that moment…it hit me."
He squeezes her hand, confused. "What?"
"Tockman's words. And i was so mad at myself."
"Why?"
She raises her voice a little. "He was dying! He was dying and he was still risking everything he had left to help the people he loved!"
He's searching her eyes, trying to understand what she's saying.
She breathes heavily.
"My mom used to tell me this: There's a choice that comes with grief…at some point you'll find it. You can choose to rise from it and fight and go on with your life, trying to be the best version of yourself. Or you can fall even deeper into the hole…until you die yourself. Tockman was practically dead, and he decided to rise, and living. I was alive, but I was consciously giving up on everything. I was choosing the easiest road, because i was too afraid to let go."
She gently takes his face in her hands, her fingers on his lips, eyes, cheeks.
"Let you go. And i was so mad. I was falling deeper into the hole when others needed me…i was wasting precious time."
He smiles at her. "Tempus fugit."
She smiles back. "Yeah. Time flies. The only thing i regretted, was that we didn't use ours better. So i promised myself that night, that i would treat everyday like it's the last. The next morning, I regained control of my life. I came back to work and to the team…and i did this." She places his hand back to her tattoo, smiling at him.
"Right under my heart, as a reminder. That you would have wanted me to go on with my life."
He leans on the the tattoo and kisses it, tracing the line with his lips. "I'm proud of you." He whispers against her skin. "And i'm sorry…"
"Oliver…"
"I know, but i don't want to see you in pain, ever again. Especially if i'm the reason of it. I can't."
She lays on her back, taking him on top of her.
"Don't you see it? Even when you weren't here, you changed me. You made me a better person Oliver. I was able to go on and fight, and believing again…because of you."
He kisses her and whispers on her lips.
"You did that. Not me. You're the strongest person i know, Felicity."
She grins. "So…you like it?"
He leans to her lips. "I love it."
When your heart is broken, when there's a crack in your heart…it lets the light in.