Bill stood leaning against his desk wit his back to the living room where he'd just left her

Finding a Way….

Bill stood leaning against his desk with his back to the living room where he'd just left her. Her…Laura….his stomach churned as he thought back at the conversation they'd just had. How could she….worse yet…how could he? Slowly he shook his head and brought his empty hand up to rub the back of his neck willing away the alcohol, stress and the headache that had put him in such a foul mood.

Anger seemed to be all that drove them these days but as he thought back to her words he realized what caused his anger. Fear…fear of fact that everything she had said was right and that fear made him feel weak and that weakness made him angry. Fighting was the end result of that anger but standing there now he realized something. Fighting was the last thing he wanted to do; At least when it came to her and especially about this. Sure it was fun to fight over fuel reports and food rationing, they both enjoyed sparring about fleet civilian/military boundaries but this was a different type of fight. This was personal and it didn't feel right…something was off he just couldn't put his…..wait….what…what is she doing?

He suddenly stilled his entire body and focused on what he was hearing. It had sounded like a gasp but he couldn't be sure so he strained further and there it was…was that what he thought it was? He listened again and was sure he'd heard a sob – meant of course for him not to hear…of that he was sure but why was she crying? So easily? She never cries that easily. Without a moments question or hesitation, he silently returned to the entry way to the living room area and his eyes sought her out. Still sitting in the exact same spot, file open…hadn't that been closed earlier…but there was no pen in her hand, her glasses lay atop the open file and her shoulders were shaking. She was literally trembling from head to toe.

He wanted to rush to her side, take her in his arms and make everything o.k. but that seemed an unrealistic fantasy given the anger that had just passed between them. He briefly thought of turning away pretending he didn't know something was wrong but as soon as the thought passed through his mind he was just as quickly chastising himself for being such a coward. No, it was now time to man up and make sure she was all right after all there was a bigger picture than their fight. There was a reason she was there…her health and that superseded everything else.

"Laura?" His voice called to her it was soft, gentle, questioning.

Hearing him she immediately held her breath trying to control her body in some way while refusing to turn towards him. She needed to be in control, she was so tired of her body having control over her. She was upset and tired and why did his voice have to have this damned affect on her?

"Go away Bill" she barely whispered the words after all the last thing she wanted was to fight more with him. She didn't want to fight with him or anyone else especially now that she was trying to wrap her mind around what was happening to her body as a result of the Diloxin treatments.

"Laura? – I'm sorry earlier I shouldn't have…" he knew she had every right to be angry with him but he also knew enough to at least try to apologize.

"Please…." She could barely speak her voice was cracking as she struggled to say the words. She knew she couldn't go through all of that again. She could barely focus at this moment.

"Laura, look at me." Confused as he was by her request he realized he was no longer angry with her as his instincts told him this really had nothing to do with earlier. This was something else entirely.

"I….mmm…I can't" slowly she shook her head with the slightest of movement but still she refused to turn his way.

"Why not – what's wrong? I know you're angry with me you have every right to be but…"

"Mmm..nnuuhhh(gasps)..No…" was all she could manage to squeak out of her mouth as her chin started to quiver again as she continued to struggle to contain the sobs that wanted to escape. She looked down at the hair in her hand and felt so lost and alone. She was completely overwhelmed by the emotions that were struggling to find their way out somehow, some way; exactly how it didn't matter she just knew she had to get them out before she drowned in them.

She could feel him getting closer; she could hear his footsteps and knew that he was allowing her to hear him approach so as not to startle her.

"Laura I know this isn't about our fight, I know something is wrong…Please." As the last word left his mouth he reached out to run his hand from her head down through her hair to gently rub her back to try to soothe her somehow.

She cursed him silently for his instincts, for the fact that he could tell when something was wrong and yet she loved him and needed him for that just as much. As she felt his hand come into contact with her hair it was more than she could stand, she squeezed her eyes shut against the onslaught of emotion. His touch….him that was all she needed.

Before he realized what was happening she was out of the chair and rushed straight at him practically knocking him backwards as she wrapping her arms tightly around him and sobbed into his neck and chest as she quickly nestled into him. He stood in shock for a moment but quickly got his bearings and brought his arms around her.

"Whoa! All right…Hold on…I've got you…Easy…I've got you." He spoke in whispers trying to calm her.

Laura felt his strong arms encircle her as he held her just as tightly against him as she was holding him to herself. Safe…she felt safe. He began to slowly sway them from side to side rubbing soothing circles on her back all the while whispering calming words into her ear as he leaned his head against hers.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed as they stood there but he knew they were both tired physically and emotionally. He wasn't sure how much longer they could bear to stand so he moved to extricate himself from her arms but instead of letting go she only held on tighter.

"Laura? Hey…what's going on? I'm right here but I don't know how much longer either of us can stand."

"No, don't let go."

"Laura you've got to be exhausted please you should sit."

"No"

"All right, let us not forget that the primary reason you're in my quarters right now is because your health is more important than anything else and part of my current job is making sure you pay attention to that. Now, I know it's been a bad day…for both of us…and I know you've got to be exhausted so you've got a choice. You can either sit or lay down but you'll do one of those two or I'll make the choice for you."

"Tired" was all she said.

"All right – rack it is." Without a moments hesitation Bill turned her slightly in his arms securing her to him tightly with his left arm and then bent to tuck his right arm behind her knees efficiently scooping her up in his arms to carry her to the rack.

He sat her gently on the edge of the rack but she had kept her head tucked against his shoulder and refused to let him go.

"Come on let's get you ready for bed all right?"

Slowly she let her arms fall from around him squaring herself off and settling her hands in her lap with her head down focused only on her hands. With her head down her hair fell slightly forward to cover her face from him as the tears still tracked down her cheeks.

"How about some water?"

His only response was a non-verbal shake of her head.

"Maybe some tea, are you in pain, do you need your medicine?"

Again only a shake of the head.

"Do you…hmm…Do you want me to go?"

"No." Finally he'd gotten at least a word out of her but he voice was still soft and she sounded so fragile so not like Laura causing his worry to increase.

"All right." Bill was relieved she hadn't asked him to leave – he hadn't actually figured out how he would refuse her after he'd asked the question because in his mind leaving right now wasn't really an option.

Wanting to reach out to her he took his left and reached for her right hand but found only a tight fist. As his hand reached hers she quickly pulled away clutching her fist to her chest as if he had hurt her. Bill jumped slightly at her reaction.

"Laura? Please…" He reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear giving him a clear view of her face and the tears that still fell. He reached out to brush her tears away and cupped her face to draw her eyes up to his. Finally she looked him in the eye and he was overwhelmed at the pain he saw. It took his breath away.

"What is it?"

She couldn't speak she simply returned her gaze to her clenched fist as she returned her hands to her lap. He followed her eyes to her hand and was surprised to find she didn't struggle to prevent him from opening her hand as he reached for it a second time. Realization dawned on him as her fingers opened and he saw the clump of her hair on her palm and suddenly he understood what was upsetting her and he found himself struggling to keep his own tears at bay as she turned her hand and her hair floated from her hand to the ground.

"Laura I…I didn't know. When…When did this start?"

"Just now."

"Laura, I can't begin to pretend that I…." His voice trailed off as he realized how any of the words he was thinking of saying at this moment would only sound empty to her if he didn't face this head on so he opted for a different approach. Standing from the rack he took a few steps before turning around and starting again.

"Laura, I can't make this go away and I can't change this as much as I may want to I can't."

Slowly she lifted her head to look at him and then stood to face him. "You were right, I am scared."

"It's all right to be scared."

As her tears started again it was he who moved first as he stepped towards her wrapping his arms around her waist as she tightly wrapped both arms around his neck.

"What am I going to do Bill?"

"First we're going to get some rest and then WE will worry about finding a way to deal with the rest tomorrow."

"I don't want to fight with you any more."

"Well then that makes two of us. Now, time to get changed for bed. Are you o.k. here while I grab a shower?"

"Yes I think so."

When Bill emerged from the head freshly showered in his tanks and sweats he noticed Laura had changed but had yet to get into bed as she sat on the edge of the rack with her hand gently resting on the folded blanket and pillow he usually took to the couch to sleep at night. He sat next to her not sure what was coming next as this evening had proven to be anything but dull.

"Do you think you can sleep?" he asked careful of his tone. At first he didn't think she was going to answer him as the silence hung between them but then she took a breath before turning to face him.

"I think that depends."

"On?"

"On where you're sleeping."

"Well there are a couple of ways to deal with that issue."

"Oh?"

"Yes you see there is what you want and then there is what is best for you."

"And what do you want?"

"I think that's a topic best left alone for right now."

"I beg to differ"

"Of course you do."

"So…I'm waiting…do a dying woman a favor and tell her what you want."

"I want you to stop talking about dying how about that for a start." Bill couldn't fight the emotion back from his voice or his eyes as they started to tear. He stood quickly with is back to her hoping she hadn't seen in the dark room.

"Bill?"

"You want me to talk about this fine I'll tell you I don't know what to do here. I can't reconcile this. I may have my questions of faith but I do not have any questions of my belief in you so now how do I maintain that belief if it all but guarantees I'll have to loose you. On top of that, if you do really believe that, why even put yourself through any treatments why not give up."

"I told you I wouldn't give up."

"Yes you did, but yet you still talk about how I have to accept this as if there is no other outcome. Whatever happened to the theory of having to believe you'll recover yourself in order for one to recover? Gods know I listened to Jack spout off about that often enough when I was recuperating from the shooting."

"I don't know Bill I guess I never thought about it that way before."

"Laura – if for some reason you are not the dying leader would that be so bad?"

"Aside from the fact that I would seem to be a fraud and it would completely throw our reality into chaos no, let me see, how could that possibly be bad?"

Laura turned away from him as she processed what he was saying but Bill would have none of that they were going to have this out and there would be no more shutting each other out. Grabbing her arms he turned her towards him.

"Look at me, all this talk in the scriptures of a dying leader, signs, guides – maybe you do have a role just not the one you originally thought."

"The only other leader here Bill is you and no, that is not an option."

"What so it's o.k. for me to loose you but you can't loose me? Laura you don't get to pick who gets to live and who gets to die any more than I can but maybe we've just interpreted things a little too literally after all, a leader can exist in several situations. The CAG is the leader of the CAP, Jack is the leader of the medical staff, a priest or priestess is a religious leader maybe just maybe you're here as one of the guides."

"Oh Bill I don't know – I can't even think clearly right now and you want me to change what I've believed for so long this quickly I'm sorry I just can't. I need some time to think about all of this."

"All right – I know but you do know it's your fault…you asked the question."

"What question."

"The one about what I want."

"I was hoping for a different kind of an answer than that."

"Maybe I do have a different answer but I don't know if I should say it."

"Try me." Deciding internally to take a stand now she crossed her arms in front of her chest as she waited to see where he would take this next.

They stood facing each other just a few inches apart as she watched him think about what he was going to say. After a few moments he reached for her resting one hand on each of her hips pulling her towards him...she went willingly.

"All right, I think it would be best if you took the inside, the last thing I need is to explain to Jack how his star patient has bruises from falling out of the bed."

He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her gently once before leaning in again for a second longer kiss.

"And when I've lost all my hair and even more sick from the diloxin treatments?"

"It won't matter."

"How can you say that?"

"Because hair grows back and…" he couldn't help himself as his eyes trailed down her body.

"And?" she questioned as she raised an eye brow at his hesitation.

"Well, let's just say I'm less attracted to hair than other features."

"Really? So what features exactly?" she asked as she crawled into the bed against the wall as he sat down beside her.

"Well, I would say that I'm more of a leg man. You see there is so much more to a leg. You start down here at the ankle strong enough to support a whole body yet delicate at the same time. Then you travel up the leg…hmmmm…muscular leg…to the knee and then once you pass the knee you keep going and you end up…."

"Where do you end up exactly?" she asked as she stopped his hand mid thigh taking her hand in his and pulling him down beside her. He gathered her in his arms as they settled down to sleep before answering.

"Well, I think that is something best kept for another time but for the record, you've got quite a pair of fantastic legs Madame President and there's not much I wouldn't do for a pair of fantastic legs like these."

"Well then, I think you're off to a good start Admiral." She smiled up at him.

End…maybe...still undecided