Dedication: For my father; the best father I could wish for.
Slipping Through My Fingers
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
"Have you got everything, sweetheart?" Leroy Jethro Gibbs couldn't help but smile at the look of concentration that grew on his daughter's face.
"I think so, Daddy," Kelly Gibbs declared, a smile appearing on her eight year old face as she looked at her father.
"Have a good day at school," he told her, drawing her in for a hug. She burrowed in as close as she could get, almost dropping her bag in the process. He let her go and watched as she tugged her bag back over her shoulder. He couldn't understand her strange attachment to the old-fashioned satchel that she insisted she take to school.
"The bus is here!" she squealed, her face lighting up with excitement. Gibbs chuckled as she ran out of the door towards the vehicle without a glance behind her. He stayed on the porch until he saw that she was aboard, waving back at her when she gave him a brief wave.
His heart ached as he realized he would be in an empty house for a while. Shannon had gone to visit her sister and it was just him and Kelly until the end of the week.
The feeling that I'm losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl
It felt strange without Shannon. It was as though he was seeing his daughter with new eyes, seeing how much she had grown up. Day to day he didn't notice anything, but over time it was clear. Time was passing so quickly and he had no way to stop it.
She seemed to exist in a different world to him – a world where every tear could be healed by a kiss, every day was another exciting adventure and every moment was full of joy. He wanted her innocence to last forever, for her to be protected from the cruel world that he knew existed. But he knew he couldn't protect her forever. One day she would grow into a beautiful intelligent young woman.
And he would have to let her go.
He wished he could listen to her laughter more. It lit up the room and made him laugh as well, even if he couldn't understand quite why she was laughing. As long as she was happy, he was happy. He would do anything for his little girl.
She was such a happy child, always laughing and giggling. She always found the bright spot in the darkness, always knew just what to say to make everything better even if she couldn't understand why it was bad in the first place.
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
They stood in his basement, sanding his boat carefully. He watched her closely, afraid she would accidently injure herself on one of his tools, give herself a splinter or step on a nail he had forgotten about. He couldn't help but worry about her; he wanted her to be safe.
They stopped sanding for a moment, Kelly staying where she was on the wooden bench while Gibbs fetched her a drink. Sanding was tiring work and he didn't want her to become dehydrated. She sipped at the juice he gave her.
The block of wood and sandpaper dropped from her hand and hit the floor, making them both jump.
"Oops," Kelly muttered.
"Not a problem," he promised her, bending down and picking it up. "You okay?"
She nodded, handing him back the carton and taking back the equipment for sanding. "I think that bit's smooth now," she decided.
"Run your fingers along to check," he told her, placing the empty carton on his workbench and watching her focus on her task.
"It's smooth," she announced.
"We can do the next bit then," he noted, standing behind her to help. "With –"
"The grain," she finished, giggling. "I know."
They continued to sand in silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts.
"Daddy?" Kelly broke the comfortable silence. "How are you going to get the boat out of the basement?"
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
He stood in the doorway as she clambered into her bed, pulling the pink sheets up around herself. He glanced around the room at the neat bookcase, tidy floor and collection of dolls on a shelf. Typical girl, he thought to himself. And he wouldn't change it for the world.
When she was settled, he left his post at the door and sat on the edge of her bed, pulling the covers up a bit more. It was quite chilly for September and he didn't want her to get cold. She snuggled further into her cocoon and he wondered for a brief moment what she would be like as a teenager. He suspected he and Shannon would struggle to get her out of bed.
"Which book tonight?" he asked her, noting that she was already half asleep and probably wouldn't last more than a page. "We finished the other one last night."
She blinked sleepily, trying to stay awake but not succeeding very well. "Don't mind," she answered.
"It's your choice," he reminded her.
"Don't mind," she repeated. "Just want to hear your voice."
A lump came to his throat and he watched her fall asleep almost immediately. He had been expecting for her to tell him that she was too old to be read to any more, and she was certainly capable of reading herself. But he hadn't expected that answer.
Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Then when she's gone there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny
He hadn't been able to sleep well after her comment the previous night. All he had heard was her little voice repeating the words over and over. He wanted to hold her close and never let her go.
Across from him at the table, Kelly still seemed half asleep. She had already tried to pour her juice over her Lucky Charms and he had only noticed in the nick of time. Her spoon was missing her mouth on a regular basis. It was only his sheer exhaustion that was preventing him for helping her.
He observed her as she stood up and began to hunt for her school bag, thinking of Shannon's return the next day. He had to pick her up at the train station at 1200? 1300? His mind refused to cooperate and give him the correct time.
"Lunch?" Kelly's query broke into his thoughts.
"In the fridge," he replied, thankful he had remembered to put it together last night.
She tucked it into her bag and he walked her to the door. She woke up when she saw the bus and raced off, leaving him standing on the porch with a soft smile on his face.
It wasn't until the bus had turned the corner that he realized he hadn't kissed, hugged or told her that he loved her. Guilt washed over him; what if something happened to either of them? Would she know how much he loved her?
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(Slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didn't
And why I just don't know
His guilt had mainly left him; she was back in one piece. She had dropped her school bag by the front door and decided that he was going to take her somewhere.
Not that he could refuse her anything anyway.
And so they were sitting at the kitchen table trying to decide where to go. She was drawing up a long list that seemed to involve everything from a trip to the zoo to a week at Disney World. If they had more time, he would happily have gone for every item on the list.
But it was a school night and Shannon would kill him if Kelly didn't go to bed at a reasonable hour. He wouldn't even have to tell her; she could read him like a book.
"And we could go to the park as well," Kelly squealed, caught up in her own world where school and bedtime didn't exist.
"We can go to one place tonight," he promised her.
"Just one?" she pouted.
"Just one," he insisted.
"Disney World," she decided.
"We can go there next summer," he offered. She didn't have to know that he and Shannon had already decided to take her there.
She tried to think of a second option.
"I saw a fair today," he recalled. "Lots of rides and not too far away."
She nodded sagely. "We're going to the fair," she announced.
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
He chuckled as they walked around the fair, Kelly holding a stick of cotton candy and managing to get it all over her face. Every time they went to the fair, she always left in dire need of a wash.
He leant over and stole a little, sticking it in his mouth and trying not to laugh at the look at appeared on Kelly's face. She was just like her mother at times. No eight year old should be capable of pulling off that look of indignation.
She paused at a hook-a-duck stall, her eyes lighting up. He stole a little more cotton candy while she wasn't looking – Shannon couldn't gently remind him about the amount of sugar their daughter was ingesting if he ate some of it – before handing over a dollar to the man.
Kelly took her time deciding which duck to hook, leaving him to hold her cotton candy and wonder if she was listening to her own gut. Eventually she caught one, winning a very large stuffed teddy bear. Gibbs wondered how he was going to explain this as Kelly handed him the bear, took her cotton candy back and headed off again.
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
He found himself holding an increasingly small amount of cotton candy and an increasingly awkwardly-shaped bear as she went on some of the rides. She was giggling away, enjoying herself while he enjoying spending time with her.
"What about that ride?" he suggested, having a little more of the cotton candy and wondering if anywhere around here sold a decent coffee. Kelly had a little sugary drink but he couldn't stand the stuff.
She looked at it for a moment before shaking her head.
"I thought it was your favorite," he pointed out.
"It's for babies," she countered.
"It doesn't matter who it's for," he told her. "As long as you enjoy it."
She shook her head more firmly this time.
"Okay," he decided, knowing better than to push it. Perhaps Shannon would have better luck. "Where to next?"
Kelly looked around again before pointing at the rollercoaster and grinning.
He decided not the mention that the rollercoaster was for younger children. "Lead on, Macduff," he ordered.
She ran ahead, giggling.
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers
Slipping through my fingers all the time
The camera continued to flummox him as they stood in the basement. Kelly had decided she wanted her photo taken before bed and he couldn't really argue. She had wanted to sand the boat as well but he had put his foot down over that.
So she sat on a bench in the basement while he attempted to work out how to use the timer on the camera. He had already taken the picture of her and now she wanted him in the picture as well. With a warning that she was going to bed after this, he had agreed.
"The manual's in the kitchen drawer, Daddy," her little voice reminded him.
"I know," he answered, determined not to resort to said manual unless he had to.
"Mommy uses the manual," she piped up.
"I don't need it," he told her.
"Yes you do," she replied. "You've got it in back to front."
He paused, studied it carefully and turned it around. "Better?" he checked.
She giggled. "Lots."
"Got it," he decided, giving himself ten seconds before shifting around behind his daughter. "Smile at the camera."
Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
Leroy Jethro Gibbs turned the radio off as the song ended. Silence once again overtook his empty house. As much as he loved the haunting song, it always brought tears to his eyes as he thought of his daughter. Bringing his bourbon to his lips, he glanced back at the last photograph he had of them.