A/N: I need to be shot, yes I do! (shot) Whoo, with so many haven't-been-updated-in-FOREVER stories in my profile I decide to write this. I'm SORRY! I truly am! But if you're up to date with the Tsubasa manga (chapter 187-ish at this time), you'll understand why I'd want some funny crack. There's so much angst lately! So this story is just a crack one-shot.
WARNING! Contains shounen-ai (boy on boy) content! If you can't handle that, then get your butt off my one-shot, ya hear? Hee hee. Also contains perverted humor and cursing.
Side Effects May Occur
Kurogane did not like this world.
Admittedly, judging an entire world after only mere hours was a bit drastic, but Kurogane was stubborn and stood by his opinions. Even if said opinions were made with the only basis being that Fai was experiencing bothersome side effects to a native medicine. But to Kurogane, that was enough.
The group was normally collecting feathers, traversing through the worlds with very few hitches. It was almost becoming mundane, considering Kurogane did not get to fulfill his need to fight enough and was constantly pestered by the ever-so-cheerful mage. But it had come to Kurogane's attention that said mage's smiles were even more forced than usual, and that the teasing banter had almost all been taken up by Mokona while the magician would just watch. It irked Kurogane; the ninja knew something was wrong.
"What are you talking about, Kuro-pun? Nothing is wrong!" Fai exclaimed cheerfully when confronted, then proceeded to sneeze.
Kurogane scrutinized the smaller man for a moment. Was he even paler than usual? "You're sick, aren't you, you idiot!?"
"It's nothing more than a simple cold, Kuro..." Fai suddenly erupted into a coughing fit. "...rin."
"Fai-san, if you're feeling unwell, we should get you some medicine!" Syaoran exclaimed, leaning forward on his chair. "This hotel is very inexpensive; some cold medicine shouldn't put us back far. This world accepts our currency from the last world."
"Thank you for your concerns puppies, but it's really not necessary--"
Sick of listening to the mage already, Kurogane not-so-gracefully heaved the light man over his shoulder and began to leave with the insane and sick blonde giggling in his ear.
"Are we going on a field trip, Kuro-daddy?" Fai asked, a hint of illness-induced delirium in his voice.
Syaoran stared for a moment, then decided to visit the princess and Mokona in their room. After all, they would get worried without Kuro-daddy and Fai-mommy around. Though Syaoran himself felt it would be nice to have a sane environment for once.
"This world smells, Kuro-puu," Fai whined.
"Bastard, stop whining by my ear," Kurogane said grumpily.
"Then just let me go, and I'll whine by your shoulder!" Fai chirped.
Kurogane wasn't a fan of either option, but he was warranting odd looks from passerby, so he obliged to the wizard's wishes. Fai stumbled, dizzy for a moment, before catching up with Kurogane's stride.
"Yay, Kuro-sama did what I said, like a loyal puppy!" the blonde squealed.
Kurogane decided to spare the blonde from his wrath of his annoyance this one time, because the mage was sick. Special circumstances. Not because the clothes Fai was wearing were hugging him in a way that left little to the imagination, especially in the hind-quarters. No, it was because the mage was sick.
"You're such a compulsive liar, idiot. I'm sure the princess has told you that she'd rather hear when a person is hurting than for them to hide it."
Fai grinned weakly. "Fine, fine, the great Kuro-wanwan was right and I was wrong."
"Enough with those stupid nicknames!" Kurogane barked.
"We're here!" Fai sang, coming to a hault and completely ignoring the ninja.
Kurogane glared at the gray shop, as if it was the store's fault the blonde was completely and unbearably insane. He reluctantly followed Fai in, muttering words like "idiot" under his breath.
It was a general pharmacy store, mostly empty, though the world they were in had a very hostile feel about it, probably being the reason for so few people walking about. Kurogane had already witnessed and intercepted a robbery (on a senior citizen, no less), and he had only been here for a few days. So he kept his guard up as Fai scanned the medicine bottles.
"Kuro-chan?" Fai asked suddenly.
"What?" he asked grumpily.
"Do you understand any of this language?"
Kurogane slapped his forehead. "Oh lord...just go ask some clerk or something."
"Okie-dokey!" Fai sang.
Leaving Kurogane's side and reaching the counter, Fai grinned winningly at the female cashier. "Miss, could I ask you something?"
The blonde woman, who looked about thirty or so, eyed him warily. "Yes?"
"What kind of medicine is this?" Fai asked, holding up a random bottle he'd picked up in hopes that it was cold medicine.
"...That would be ritalin."
Fai blinked. "Uh-huh," Fai mused, having no clue what that was. "Where would the cold medicine be?"
"Purple bottle," she said curtly.
"Okay! Thank you for your time!"
The magician flounced back to the impatient ninja and picked up a purple bottle from the scant selection. Taking it back to the woman, the two payed and left.
"You didn't ask her the dosing instruction?!"
"They're baaaaack!" Mokona chirped. "Fai and Kuro-blacky are back!"
"Hello Mokona," Fai greeted, smiling.
Exasperated, Kurogane put a hand to his head. "Well, what now, genius?"
"I'll just have one every few hours!" Fai grinned, then proceeded to pop a pill into his mouth. He grimaced slightly as the foul tasting caplet slithered down his throat.
"What if you have an allergic reaction or something?" Kurogane insisted.
"Stop worrying," Fai said dismissively, making Kurogane bristle. "Everything will be fine, Kuro-puu! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling a bit tired."
Before walking into his room, Fai poked his head in to check on Sakura, only to see her napping in her bed, Syaoran right next to the bed, resting his head on it and sleeping. Fai smiled warmly, then headed into his room. He put the medicine on the table in the room.
In an intangible language in bright red, the medicine read, "Side effects may include dizzyness, loss of appetite, drowzyness, and heightened sexual arousal."
Even the most skilled and experienced ninja need their rest, and when the clock teetered ever-so-close to midnight, Kurogane decided it was time to go to bed. Although originally the room would be shared by him, Fai, and Syaoran, Syaoran had fallen asleep in Sakura's room, and he looked too peaceful to disturb.
So that left Kurogane and Fai in the room together.
With his hand hovering uneasily above the doorknob and that fact in mind, Kurogane thought to himself, Maybe I don't need to sleep.
But before Kurogane could walk away, the door opened to reveal a drowzy looking and half-naked Fai, wearing nothing but boxer shorts. He latched onto Kurogane's arm, looking up at the ninja with half-lidded eyes.
"Kuro-daddy! What took you so looooong?" Fai asked in a half whine.
Kurogane was temporarily astonished by this forward action; he couldn't even yell, leaving him to only let out intangible and utterly confused noises. Fai grinned drunkenly, pulling Kurogane in the room and shutting the door. Kurogane regained his senses at the sound of the door closing.
"A-- ARE YOU DRUNK?!"
Fai looked confused. "Drunk, Kuro-sama? Why would I be drunk?" he sang, wrapping his arms around Kurogane's neck. Kurogane jumped back at the blonde's touch, desperately fighting the red overtaking his face.
"Then what the HELL has gotten into you, magician?!"
"Aw, doesn't Kuro-sama want to play...?" Fai teased lightly by his ear, tickling it with his warm breath. Kurogane turned scarlet, pushing back the advancing blonde.
"You're acting more insane than usual!!" Kurogane exclaimed, backing up. He looked to his left, where the burea lay. The medicine bottle innocently stood on the top. "It was the medicine, wasn't it? Urrgh..." Kurogane rubbed his temples. He knew getting medicine from a foreign world was a bad idea.
Suddenly he was pushed onto the bed, Fai lying on top of him. "Meow," Fai said huskily, lowering his head to the ninja's. "Let's play, puppy..." Fai playfully nipped at Kurogane's ear.
Strange; had Kurogane pictured something like this happening-- and he would never admit to thinking about it, ever-- he would've thought he would be on top, not Fai.
Okay, I have officially lost all sanity, Kurogane thought to himself.
"Get off!" Kurogane yelled as he slipped away from the magician.
Fai did a mock pout. "Aww, you hurt my feelings, Kuro-nyaan," Fai whined.
"Tch, like you ever even show any of your real feelings."
Fai's eyes widened. He sobered a little, sitting up straight on the bed. "You're so mean," Fai commented, smiling, but with sadness in his blue eyes.
Wordlessly, Kurogane got up and began to leave. Fai hesitated for a moment, then: "Wait..."
Kurogane obligued, albeit not turning around. "What is it?"
The ninja felt two lanky arms cross around his waist from behind him. "Please don't go," Fai begged, and for once, he sounded geniune.
Suddenly Kurogane turned and wrapped his arms around the blonde. Fai looked up at him, surprised. "Come on now, idiot. I wouldn't do that."
Fai smiled. "Right. Because Kuro-sama is a loyal puppy." Fai suddenly kissed him, a desperate kiss that had all of Fai's agony and longing in it, and for once he wasn't trying to hide it. Kurogane kissed him back, because this was Fai kissing him, not just the shell that flirts with him to keep up a facade.
As they pulled away, Fai grinned and Kurogane...sneezed.
"Oh, no! I forgot about my cold!" Fai jumped back suddenly.
"Damn mage and your cold..." Kurogane trailed off and began coughing.
"Want some medicine?" Fai offered.
"NO," Kurogane replied immediately. That medicine did nothing but arouse Fai (though admittedly, the mage looked better). Who knows what Kurogane could do with that strong of a stimulus...
"Well then..." Fai grinned, a glint in his eye. "I suppose I have to nurse you back to health, huh?"
Syaoran yawned, creaking a bleary eye open. The bedroom was covered in murky darkness. Suddenly Syaoran blushed, as he looked at the bed with Sakura on it. I must have fallen asleep while sitting next to the bed...
He sat up, ignoring his aching back (sitting while sleeping is NOT good for you), and headed out of the bedroom. Dazedly he walked over to the room he, Kurogane and Fai were sharing and opened the door.
Kurogane was tucked into the bed, while Fai, wearing a nurse's dress, hovered over him. Both stared. Syaoran stared back.
"We can all agree...that this is a dream," Syaoran said slowly, desperately trying to hold onto his sanity.
Kurogane agreed, turning scarlet. Fai laughed, and nodded. "Unless you want to join us, Syaoran-kun!"
The door slammed shut. Kurogane mumbled something about noisy kids that don't knock.