PLEASE NO FLAMES. ONESHOT. I DO NOT OWN THE SCRIPT. I BORROWED IT OFF SOME SITE.
EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Welcome to Padua High, your typical upper-middle-class high school in
Seattle, Washington.
EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL, THE STREET OUTSIDE - DAY
Two cookie-cutter-cute girls sing along in their car to a bit of popular fluff music.
RONNIE MITCHELL, eighteen, pretty but trying hard not to be (and failing). She pulls her rundown car up next to theirs and scowls with indignation at their choice of music.
EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL, FRONT STEPS- DAY
Ronnie hurries toward the front door of what appears to be the Wayne Manor version of an ordinary high school. She approaches another cookie-cutter-cutie pasting an advert for prom on the wall, and tears it down in passing.
PROM POSTER GIRL
Hey!
INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
SEAN SLATER, a clean-cut, easy-going new kid at school with an optimistic, innocent face, sits facing MISS PERKY, a conservative spinster stereotype turned on its head. She's in the middle of composing some racy lines from her pulp romance-novel-in-progress on her laptop.
MISS PERKY
So, Sean. Here you go. (reviews his transcript)
9 schools in 10 years, my my... Army brat?
SEAN
Yeah. My dad's a...
MISS PERKY
That's enough.
I'm sure you won't find Padua any different than your old school. Same little asswipe shit-for-brains everywhere.
SEAN
Excuse me. Did you just say... Am I in the right office?
MISS PERKY
Not anymore you're not. I've got deviants to see and a novel to finish. Now scoot. Scoot!
SEAN
Okay. Thanks.
Sean rises to leave and passes JACK BRANNING, a smug, longhaired Australian, who's on his way in. Miss Perky looks down at her file and up at Jack.
MISS PERKY
(continuing)
Jack branning. I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual.
She gives him a disapproving glance. He answers with a charming
smile.
JACK
Only so we can have these moments together. Should I, uh, get the lights?
MISS PERKY
Oh very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?
JACK
I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst.
MISS PERKY
Bratwurst?
(glances at his loins suspiciously)
Aren't we the optimist? Next time keep it in your pouch, okay? Scoot!
After he leaves, she goes back to writing her novel, adding the word "bratwurst" to the sentence she's working on.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
JASE DYER, a typical, overachieving, brainy senior with a young
republican's sense of style, introduces himself to Sean among the
bustle of the hall.
JASE
Jase Dyer. I'm supposed to show you around.
SEAN
Oh hi.
(seems relieved)
Thank God! You know, normally
they send down one of those audio/video geeks.
JASE
(flustered)
You know, I do. I know what you mean, yeah.
An audio/video geek pushing a cart full of film equipment rolls along
side them.
A/V GEEK
Hey Jase, where should I put those slides?
JASE
(brushes off the A/V Geek)
Jase?!
(Turns back to Sean)
So, uh,
(checks a piece of paper)
...Sean. Here's the breakdown:
They begin to walk down the hallway.
JASE
(Continuing)
Over there you've got your basic beautiful people.
Now listen. Unless they talk to you first, don't bother.
SEAN
But wait. Is that your rule or theirs?
JASE
Watch.
(To an ironically not very good looking jock as they pass)
Hey there.
JOCK
Geek.
JASE
(To Sean)
See that?
The Jock and his friends glare as if offended as the two walk away.
EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Groups of students stand around. Jase and Sean continue their walk.
JASE
(Continuing)
To the left we have the coffee kids.
COFFEE KID 1
Whoa!
(spills his coffee)
COFFEE KID 2
That was Costa Rican, butthead!
JASE
Very edgy. Don't make any sudden moves around them.
They step down and pass a table full of white boys with dreadlocks and
prerequisite Jamaican berets.
JASE
And these delusionals are the White Rasta.
Uh, they're big Marley fans. They think they're black.
Semi-political, but mostly...
SEAN
Smoke a lot of weed?
JASE
Yeah.
They now approach a few kids dressed as urban cowboys.
JASE
(continuing)
These guys...
SEAN
Wait wait. Let me guess. Cowboys?
JASE
Yeah but, the closest they've come to a cow is
Macdonald's.
(laughs at his own lame joke)
Hah hah...MacDonald's!
They approach a group of studious-looking teens who are bent over
textbooks at a table.
JASE
These are your future MBAs- We're all Ivy League accepted.
Yuppie greed is back, my friend.
(to the group)
Hey guys. How ya doin'?
One of them looks annoyed and mutters something about "Bogie". It is, in fact
BOGIE LEVENSTEIN himself, leader of the academic geeks. Why does he mutter his
own name? Maybe he just likes to speak in the third person...
JASE
(continuing as they walk away)
Yesterday I was their god.
SEAN
What happened?
JASE
Bogie Levenstein started a rumor that I...that I buy
my Izods at an outlet mall.
SEAN
So they kicked you out?
JASE
Hostile takeover. But don't worry. They'll pay.
Now over here...
SEAN
(Suddenly distracted)
Oh my god!
ROXY, a young cream puff of a blonde girl, walks by in slow motion.
Sean is in deep smit.
SEAN
(Continues)
What group is she in?
JASE
The "don't even think about it" group.
That's Roxy Mitchell. A sophomore.
SEAN
I burn! I pine! I perish!
JASE
Of course you do. You know, she's beautiful and deep. Pure.
Roxy walks with her friend, CHRISTIAN, a cute and seemingly less loquacious
version of herself.
ROXY
Yup, see, there's a difference between "like"
and "love". Because I like my Sketchers, but I love my Prada
backpack.
CHRISTIAN
But I love my Sketchers.
ROXY
That's because you don't have a Prada backpack.
CHRISTIAN
(Enamored of Roxy's wisdom)
Ohhh!
JASE
(To Sean)
Listen. Forget her. Incredibly uptight father,
and it's a widely known fact that the Stratford sisters aren't
allowed to date.
SEAN
Uh huh...yeah. [What if?]
INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
A room full of bored seniors doodle and stare off into space.
MR. MORGAN, an educated, no-nonsense man in his early thirties
presides.
MR. MORGAN
Okay then. What did everyone think of The Sun Also Rises?
A girl raises her hand and offers her appraisal.
ROMANTIC GIRL
I loved it.
(She sighs)
It was sooo romantic.
Ronnie, the girl we saw as we entered the school, is wearing a camo top in
preparation for her daily war against high school ignorance.
RONNIE
(disgusted)
Romantic? Hemingway?! He was an abusive alcoholic
misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso
trying to nail his leftovers.
The other students roll their eyes.
JOEL JOHNSTON, a slicked-back knock-off of Slater from Saved By The Bell
makes fun of her from his row.
JOEL
As opposed to a bitter self-righteous
hag who has no friends?
A few giggles. Ronnie fumes from her seat without looking back.
MR. MORGAN
Pipe down, Chachie.
RONNIE
I guess in this society being male and an asshole
makes you worthy of our time.
What about Sylvia Platt or Charlotte Bronte or
Simone de Beauvoir?
Jack suddenly steps into the classroom, late.
JACK
What'd I miss?
RONNIE
The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education.
JACK
Good.
(immediately turns and leaves)
MR. MORGAN
(Shouting after him)
Hey, hey!
JOEL
Uh, Mr. Morgan. Is there any chance we could get Ronnie to
take her Mydol before she comes to class?
More snickers from the class.
MR. MORGAN
Some day you're gonna get bitch-slapped and I'm not gonna do
a thing to stop it. And Ronnie. I want to thank you for your
point of view.
She smiles to herself, her social indignation justified.
MR. MORGAN
(continuing)
I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those
years of upper middle class suburban oppression. It must be tough.
She deflates and becomes bitter again.
MR. MORGAN
(continuing)
But the next time you storm around the PTA crusading for better
lunch meat, or whatever it is you white girls complain about,
ask them why they can't buy a book written by a black man!
Two of the White Rasta kids from earlier take up his cry of inequality.
WHITE RASTA CHORUS
That's right mon!
MR. MORGAN
Don't even get me started on you two!
They grumble apologetically and quickly shut up.
Ronnie is fuming again.
RONNIE
Anything else?
MR. MORGAN
Yeah. Go to the office. You're pissing me off.
RONNIE
What?! Mr. Morgan!
MR. MORGAN
Later!
Ronnie gets up in a tiff and on her way out hits Joel in the face with her books.
INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Miss Perky sits in front of her laptop, composing her sleazy novel.
MISS PERKY
Undulating with desire, Adrienne removes her crimson cape...
...excitable, stiff and...
(frustrated, calls to attendant)
Judith!
Judith appears at the door.
MISS PERKY
What's another word for...engorged?
JUDITH
I'll look it up.
MISS PERKY
Okay.
(returns to composing)
Ronnie approaches the office and overhears Miss Perky searching for the
right word.
MISS PERKY
(continuing)
...swollen...turgid...
RONNIE
Tumescent?
MISS PERKY
Perfect! So I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Morgan's class.
Again.
RONNIE
Expressing my opinion is not a
terrorist action.
MISS PERKY
The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway?
By the way, his testicle retrieval operation
went quite well, in case you're
interested.
RONNIE
I still maintain that he kicked himself
in the balls.
MISS PERKY
The point is Ronnie...
She suddenly makes the connection between Ronnie's name and the picture
of a cat on her coffee mug. She finds it amusing and points to the mug.
MISS PERKY
Cat!
(She giggles, then turns back to Ronnie)
People perceive you as somewhat ...
RONNIE
Tempestuous?
MISS PERKY
"Heinous bitch" is the term used most often.
Ronnie is unflattered.
MISS PERKY
(continuing)
You might want to work on that. Thank you.
Ronnie rises from her chair.
RONNIE
(sarcastic)
As always, thank you for your excellent
guidance. I'll let you get back to Reginald's
quivering member.
Ronnie leaves the office.
MISS PERKY
(to herself)
Quivering member... I like that.
EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Joel and his COHORT, a tough-looking kid, are standing around people
watching. His Cohort notices Roxy and Christian entering the courtyard
and calls Joel's attention to Roxy.
COHORT
Virgin alert. [Favorite].
Joel turns to look at Roxy. The girls pass by, noticing Joel.
JOEL
Looking good, ladies.
COHORT
They're outta reach, even for you.
JOEL
No one's out of reach for me.
COHORT
You wanna put money on that?
JOEL
Money I've got. This I'm going to do for fun.
Across the way, Sean and Jase have been watching Roxy and Sean
notices Joel's admiration.
SEAN
Who's that guy?
JASE
It's Joel Johnston. He's a jerkoff. And a model.
SEAN
He's a model?
JASE
A model. Mostly regional stuff. But he's rumored to have
a tube sock ad coming out.
SEAN
Really?
JASE
Really.
They have a laugh at Joel's expense. Sean turns back to watching Roxy.
SEAN
Man, look at her.
JASE
(not impressed)
Is she always so...vapid?
SEAN
How can you say that? She's totally...
JASE
Conceited?
SEAN
What are you talking about? There's more to her than you think.
I mean, look... look at the way she smiles.
And look at her eyes, man. She's totally pure. I mean,
you're missing what's there.
JASE
(unconvinced)
No, Sean. No.
What's there is a snotty little Princess wearing a strategically
planned sun dress to make guys like us realize we can never touch
her, and guys like, uh...
He looks around and notices Joel making his way toward the girls.
JASE
(continuing)
...Joel, realize they want to.
She, my friend, is what we'll spend the rest of our lives
not having. Put her in the Spank Bank. Move on.
SEAN
No.
JASE
Move on.
SEAN
No!
You're wrong about her. I mean, you know, uh,
not about the spanking part. But the rest. You're wrong.
JASE
Alright. I'm wrong? You wanna take a shot? Be my guest.
She's actually looking for a French tutor.
SEAN
Are you serious? That's perfect!
JASE
Do you speak French?
SEAN
Well no. But I will.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY
Ronnie and DAWN, her best friend--beautiful and attired in quasi-Renaissance
clothes--walk toward Ronnie's car. Joel pulls up
beside them in his red sports car.
JOEL
(referring to Ronnie's camouflage top)
Hey. Your little Rambo look is out, Ronnie.
Didn't you read last month's Cosmo?
RONNIE
(barely notices him)
Run along.
She and Dawn continue walking.
Further along, Roxy and Christian are walking, embroiled in meaningful
conversation.
CHRISTIAN
I know you can be overwhelmed.
You can be underwhelmed.
But can you ever just be whelmed?
ROXY
I think you can in Europe.
Joel pulls up alongside them.
JOEL
Hi ladies. Would you sweet young things
like a ride?
They look at each other and immediately hop in, climbing over his
upholstery.
JOEL
Careful on the leather.
Across the lot, Ronnie and Dawn watch this display from inside Ronnie's
clunker.
DAWN
(sarcastic)
That's a charming new development.
RONNIE
It's disgusting.
Meanwhile, Jase has mounted an old motorcycle equipped with a plastic
dork basket on the handles. He jets a bit out of control and kills the engine
in front of Ronnie's car. Pissed off, she shouts out the window.
RONNIE
Remove head from sphincter, then drive!
Jase regains control and pulls out of the way to where Sean has
been watching.
SEAN
You all right?
JASE
Yeah, yeah. Just a minor encounter with the
shrew. Your girlfriend's sister.
SEAN
What? That's Roxy's sister?
JASE
Mmm hmm. The mewling, rampalian wretch herself.
Stay cool, bro.
He jets off once again, risks another near collision, and ends up
flying right off the road and sliding halfway down a grassy hill.
Recovering his composure, he realizes half the school is watching
from the top of the hill. He raises his hands in the air and
gives a victory yell, drawing cheers from the crowd.
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY
ARCHIE STRATFORD, Ronnie and Roxy's overly-protective father--an
obstetrician--enters through the front door rifling through the mail.
ARCHIE
(to Ronnie)
Hello Ronniearina. Make anyone cry today?
RONNIE
Sadly, no. But it's only four-thirty.
Archie smiles proudly as Roxy walks in and kisses him on the cheek.
ROXY
Hi Daddy.
ARCHIE
Hello, precious.
RONNIE
And where've you been?
ROXY
(gives Ronnie a sour look)
Nowhere.
Archie, who hasn't raised his eyes from the mail, is inspecting a letter.
ARCHIE
What's this? It says Sarah Lawrence?
Ronnie snatches it away from him and runs across the room in a flurry of
excitement, tearing it open and reading the contents silently.
RONNIE
I got in! I got in!
ARCHIE
Uh, honey that's great. But isn't Sarah Lawrence on the
other side of the country?
RONNIE
Thus the basis of its appeal.
ARCHIE
Yeah. I thought we decided you were gonna stay here and
go to U Dub like me. Be a husky.
He makes some inspiring growling noises.
RONNIE
No, you decided.
ARCHIE
Oh okay. So you just pick up and leave, is that it?
ROXY
(brimming at the idea)
Let's hope so.
Ronnie gives Roxy a spiteful look then smiles sweetly.
RONNIE
Ask Roxy who drove her home.
ARCHIE
Ronnie, don't change the...drove?
(to Roxy)
Who drove you home?
Roxy glares at Ronnie then turns to Archie
ROXY
Now don't get upset, daddy, but there's
this boy...
RONNIE
Who's a flaming imbecile.
ARCHIE
Please...
ROXY
(continuing)
and I think he might ask me...
ARCHIE
Please. I think I know what he's going to ask you.
And I think I know the answer: No. It's always no.
What are the house rules? #1: no dating till you graduate.
#2: no dating till you graduate. That's it.
ROXY
Daddy, that's so unfair.
ARCHIE
Alright. You wanna know what's unfair?
(to Ronnie)
This is for you too.
(continues)
This morning I delivered a set of twins to
a 15 year old girl. Do you know what she said to me?
ROXY
I'm a crack-whore who should have made my sleazy
boyfriend wear a condom?
Archie pauses and thinks for a moment.
ARCHIE
Close. But no. She said: I should have listened
to my father.
ROXY
She did not.
ARCHIE
Well, that's what she would've said if she wasn't
so doped up.
ROXY
Can we focus on me for a second please? I am
the only girl in school who's not dating.
ARCHIE
Oh no you're not. Your sister doesn't date.
RONNIE
And I don't intend to.
ARCHIE
And why is that again?
Archie is pleased and points to Roxy, expecting Ronnie to justify him.
RONNIE
Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that go to that school?
ROXY
Where did you come from? Planet Loser?
RONNIE
As opposed to planet "look at me! look at me!"?
ARCHIE
Okay, here's how we solve this one. Old rule out.
New rule: Roxy can date...
Roxy lights up and Ronnie looks upset.
ARCHIE
(continuing)
...when she does.
(points at Ronnie)
ROXY
But she's a mutant! What if she never dates?
ARCHIE
(very pleased with his new rule)
Then you'll never date. Oh, I like that. And I'll get to
sleep at night. The deep slumber of a father who's
daughters aren't out being impregnated.
His beeper goes off and he heads for the door. Ronnie heads for the
stairs.
ARCHIE
(to Ronnie)
We'll talk about Sarah Lawrence later.
RONNIE
Fine.
ROXY
Wait! Daddy!
ARCHIE
I gotta go.
He leaves.
ROXY
Can't you find [a sad enough] retard to take you
to the movies so I can have just one date?
RONNIE
I'm sorry. Looks like you'll just have to miss out
on the witty repartee of Joel "eat me" Johnston.
ROXY
You suck.
RONNIE
(imitating Roxy)
You suck.
INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY
Sean sits at a table prepping for the French lesson he has scheduled
with Roxy. Roxy arrives and plops down across from him.
ROXY
Can we make this quick? Roxanne,
Korrine and Andrew Barrett are having an
incredibly horrendous public break- up
on the quad. Again.
SEAN
Oh, yeah, um, okay. I thought we'd start with
pronunciation, if that's alright with you.
ROXY
Not the hacking and gagging and spitting part. Please.
SEAN
Well, there is an alternative.
French food. We could eat some together. Saturday night?
ROXY
You're asking me out? That's so cute.
What's your name again?
SEAN
Sean. Listen. I know that your dad doesn't let you
date. But I thought that if it was for French class it...
ROXY
Oh, wait a minute. Curtis...
SEAN
Sean.
ROXY
My dad just came up with a new rule. I can date
when my sister does.
SEAN
You're kidding! Well let me ask you, do you like sailing?
'Cause I read about this place that rents out boats...
ROXY
A beaucoup problemo, Calvin. In case you haven't heard,
my sister's a particularly hideous breed of
loser.
SEAN
Yeah yeah. I noticed she's a little anti-social.
Why is that?
ROXY
Unsolved mystery. She used to be
really popular, and then it was like...she got
sick of it. Or something. There is a [bet] as
to why, but I'm pretty sure she's just incapable
of human interaction. Plus, she's a bitch.
SEAN
Well yeah, but I'm sure, you know, that there's lots of
guys who wouldn't mind going out with a...difficult woman.
I mean, you know, people jump out of airplanes, ski off
cliffs. It would be like extreme dating.
ROXY
You think you could find someone that extreme?
SEAN
Yeah sure, why not?
She reaches out and touches his arm
ROXY
Would you do that, for me?
SEAN
Oh yes! I mean, you know, I could look into it.
EXT. A STAIRWELL ON CAMPUS - DAY
Jase leads Sean down a set of concrete steps to a secret gathering
of dating candidates for Ronnie.
JASE
Now, I have gathered a group of guys. Couldn't be more
perfect. Padua's finest.
They enter a dank room, wherein waits a very motly crew of the most
unlikely specimens one would expect. Sean shoots Jase an
unsatsfied grimace.
SEAN
Hi. How ya doin'? Would any of you be interested
in dating Ronniearina Stratford?
What follows is a truncated interview process, where each candidate
in turn sits in the interview chair and gives his response.
CANDIDATE 1
(laughs histerically)
CANDIDATE 2
(stares blankly)
CANDIDATE 3
Ho, I've never been that ripped.
CANDIDATE 4
Maybe if we were the last 2 people alive, and
there were no sheep... Are there sheep?
INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY
Several dissection charts of frog anatomy hang on the walls.
The class is busy dissecting frogs. Jase and Sean, naturally,
are lab partners. Jack and his punk rock friend, SCURVY, are
hacking away at their own specimen behind them.
JASE
Did I, or did I not, tell you it was pointless? No
one will go out with her.
Jack pulls out a butterfly knife and impales his frog violently
with it. Sean has noticed the display.
SEAN
Hey, what about him?
JASE
Him? No no. Don't look at him, okay?
He's a criminal. I heard
he lit a state trooper on fire. He just
did a year in San Quentin.
SEAN
Yeah, well, then at least he's horny.
JASE
I'm serious, man, he's whacked. He
sold his own liver on the black market
for a new set of speakers.
Jack has taken out a cigarette, but just as he lights
it on the Bunsen burner, Scurvy seizes it and snuffs it out.
Frustrated, Jack plays with the Bunsen burner instead.
SEAN
He's our guy.
Jack notices them watching him and they quickly turn away.
INT. WOODSHOP - DAY
Boys and a few stray girls nail their pieces of wood. Sean
and Jase enter, and Sean approaches Jack optimistically.
SEAN
Hi. How ya doin'? Listen, I...
In response, Jack brandishes a loud power tool and drills
a hole in the middle of Sean's beloved French book.
SEAN
(continuing)
Okay... later then.
INT. A HALLWAY - DAY
Jase is staring through the new window in Sean's French book.
JASE
How do we get him to date Ronnie?
SEAN
I don't know. I mean, uh, we could pay him.
But we don't have any money.
JASE
Yeah, well, what we need is a backer.
SEAN
What's that?
JASE
Someone with money who's stupid.
They both look pensive.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Joel and his pals sit at a table while Joel draws a pair of boobs
on a cafeteria tray with a magic marker.
JOEL
Oh yeah!
Jase walks up and sits at the table, casual as can be.
JASE
Is that a peach Fruit Roll-Up? 'Cause you
don't see many...
Joel's friend grabs his wrist as he reaches for the Roll-Up.
JASE
(continues)
...oh, okay. Yeah, Alright.
His wrist is released as he withdraws his hand.
JOEL
Are you lost?
JASE
No, actually, I just came by to chat.
JOEL
We don't chat.
JASE
Well, actually, I thought that I'd run an
idea by you. Just to see if you're interested.
JOEL
I'm not.
JASE
Well, hear me out. Now...
Joel grabs Jase by the side of the head and proceeds to
draw a penis on his cheek with the magic marker. Jase
suffers the indignity and speaks undaunted.
JASE
(continues)
...you want Roxy, right?
But she can't go out with you because
her sister is this insane head case and
no one will go out with her, right?
JOEL
Does this conversation have a purpose?
JASE
What I think you need to do is, you need to hire
a guy who'll go out with her. Someone who
doesn't scare so easy.
Jase points to Jack, who sits with Scurvy. Jack spits
a stone from a piece of fruit at his tray.
JOEL
That guy? I heard he ate a live duck once.
JASE
Everything but the beak and the feet.
Clearly he's a solid investment.
Joel turns to look at Jase.
JOEL
What's in it for you?
JASE
Hey. I'm walkin' down the hall and say hello
to you. You say hello to me.
JOEL
Yeah yeah. I get it. You're cool by association.
I'll think about it.
Jase looks pleased and bobs his head as if grooving to music.
JOEL
(continuing)
We're done now.
JASE
Yeah.
He gets up and walks to the back of the room where Sean waits
anxiously.
SEAN
(upset)
What are you doing getting him involved?
JASE
Relax now, relax. We let him pretend he's
calling the shots. While he's setting things
up, you have time with Roxy.
SEAN
That is a good idea.
Sean leaves.
EXT. A HILL OVERLOOKING THE STADIUM - DAY
Bogie Levenstein has gathered his club of future yuppies for
a golf lesson.
BOGIE
Now remember guys. Grip it, and rip it.
He hits the golf ball down into the stadium field, where it is
collected by a kid holding a basket of balls.
The field is filled with students exercising. The women's soccer
team is practicing.
Joel makes his way toward Jack, who is sitting with Scurvy and
smoking.
JOEL
Hey, how ya doin'?
Jack ignores him completely.
JOEL
(tries to break the ice)
I had some great duck last night...
JACK
Do I know you?
JOEL
See that girl?
He turns to see Ronnie playing soccer on the field.
JACK
Yeah.
JOEL
That's Ronnie Mitchell. I want you to go
out with her.
JACK
(sarcastic)
Yeah sure, Sparky.
He and Scurvy laugh at the idea.
JOEL
Look. I can't take out her sister until Ronnie
starts dating. You see, their dad's whacked
out. He's got this rule where the girls...
JACK
That's a touching story. It really is.
Not my problem.
JOEL
Would you be willing to make it your problem
if I provide generous compensation?
JACK
You're going to pay me to take out some chick?
JOEL
(pleased)
Mmm hmm.
JACK
How much?
JOEL
Twenty bucks.
Jack turns to have another look at Ronnie. She violently body checks
another girl and knocks her down.
JOEL
(continuing)
Fine. 30.
JACK
Well let's think about this. We go to the movies.
That's, uh, 15 bucks. We get popcorn. That's, uh,
53. And, uh, she'll want Raisonettes, right? So,
uh, we're lookin' at 75 bucks.
JOEL
This ain't a negotiation. Take it or leave it,
trailer park.
JACK
50 bucks and we've got a deal, Fabio.
Joel hands him 50 dollars.
EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY
Ronnie and the rest of the team complete their practice
session. MR. CHAPIN, the coach, calls the girls in over his
megaphone.
MR. CHAPIN
Great practice, everybody.
Jack snuffs out a cigarette and approaches Ronnie.
JACK
Hey there, girlie. How ya doin'?
RONNIE
Sweating like a pig, actually. And
yourself?
JACK
Now there's a way to get a guy's attention, huh?
RONNIE
My mission in life.
She stands there undaunted, hand on hip.
RONNIE
(continuing)
But obviously I've struck your fancy. So,
you see, it worked. The world makes
sense again.
She walks away. He follows.
JACK
Pick you up Friday, then
RONNIE
Oh, right. Friday. Uh huh.
JACK
The night I take you to places you've
never been before.
RONNIE
Like where? The 7-Eleven on Broadway?
Do you even know my name, screwboy?
JACK
I know a lot more than you think.
RONNIE
Doubtful. Very doubtful.
She walks away quickly, leaving him standing alone.
ACROSS THE FIELD Sean and Jase watch.
SEAN
We are screwed.
JASE
Hey, no, hey. I don't want to hear that defeatist
attitude. I want to hear you upbeat.
SEAN
We are screwed!
JASE
There you go.
As they watch, the coach gets hit with a golf ball and falls to the
ground. We cut back to Bogie and his group of MBA nerds.
MBA KID
Run Bogie!
Bogie is motionless, a super-cheese smile glued to his face.
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT
Ronnie washes her face at the sink. Roxy enters behind her.
ROXY
Have you ever considered a new look? I
mean, seriously, you could have some
definite potential buried under all this
hostility.
RONNIE
I'm not hostile. I'm annoyed.
ROXY
Why don't you try being nice? People wouldn't know
what to think.
RONNIE
You forget. I don't care what people think.
ROXY
Yes you do.
RONNIE
No I don't. You don't always have to be who they want
you to be, you know.
ROXY
I happen to like being adored, thank you.
RONNIE
Where'd you get the pearls?
ROXY
They're mom's
RONNIE
(upset)
And you've been what? Hiding them for 3 years?
ROXY
No. Daddy found them in a drawer last week.
RONNIE
So you're just gonna start wearing them now?
ROXY
It's not like she's coming back to claim them.
And besides, they look good on me.
RONNIE
Trust me. They don't.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY
Ronnie emerges from a store. Jack is waiting for her,
leaning casually against her front fender.
JACK
Nice ride. Vintage fenders.
RONNIE
Are you following me?
JACK
I was in the laundromat. I saw your
car. I came over to say hi.
RONNIE
Hi.
She moves to open the door, but he slides over and blocks her way.
JACK
Not a big talker, huh?
RONNIE
Depends on the topic. My fenders don't
really whip me into a verbal frenzy.
JACK
(seems genuinely intrigued by her resistance)
You're not afraid of me, are you?
RONNIE
Afraid of you? Why would I be afraid of you?
JACK
Well, most people are.
RONNIE
Well, I'm not.
JACK
Well, maybe you're not afraid of me. But I'm
sure you've thought about me naked, huh?
He gives her a knowing wink.
RONNIE
(sarcastic)
Am I that transparent? I want you, I need you,
Oh baby, oh baby.
She opens the door and forces him out of the way.
She starts to pull out and is blocked by Joel's sports car,
which pulls up perpendicular to her rear and parks.
Joel emerges and heads for the stores.
RONNIE
What is it? Asshole day?
(to Joel)
Hey! Do you mind?
JOEL
Not at all.
He continues on into the store. Ronnie stares at him in
disbelief... then backs up fast.
Her vintage fenders crash into the door of Joel's precious
ego-mobile.
Jack watches with a delighted grin as Joel races back to
his car.
JOEL
You bitch!
Ronnie watches with an innocent look of surprise.
RONNIE
(sarcastic)
Whoops.
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT
Archie paces as Ronnie sits calmly on the couch.
ARCHIE
Whoops?! My insurance does not cover PMS.
RONNIE
Well, then tell them I had a seizure.
ARCHIE
Is this about Sarah Lawrence? Are you
punishing me because I want you to stay close to home?
RONNIE
Aren't you punishing me because mom left?
ARCHIE
You think you could leave her out of this?
RONNIE
Fine. Then stop making my decisions for me.
ARCHIE
I'm your father. That's my right.
RONNIE
So what I want doesn't matter?
ARCHIE
You're eighteen. You don't know what
you want. And you won't know what you want until you're
forty-five. And if you get it, you'll be too old to use it.
RONNIE
I want to go to an East Coast school! I
want you to trust me to make my own
choices. And I want you to stop trying to control
my life just because you can't control yours.
ARCHIE
Oh yeah? Well you know what I want...
Archie's BEEPER goes off.
ARCHIE
(continuing)
We'll continue this later.
RONNIE
Can't wait.
She heads out of the room and is intercepted by Roxy, who's
just off the phone.
ROXY
(angry)
Did you just maim Joel's car?
RONNIE
Yeah. Looks like you're gonna have to take the bus.
ROXY
Has the fact that you're completely psycho
managed to escape your attention?
Ronnie walks away.
ROXY
Daddy!
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Jack shuts his locker revealing
Joel's angry visage, glowering next to him.
JOEL
When I shell out fifty, I expect
results.
JACK
Yeah, I'm on it.
JOEL
Watching the bitch violate my car doesn't
count as a date.
JOEL
If you don't get any, I don't get any.
Let's go get some.
Joel starts to walk off
JACK
I just upped my price
JOEL
(turning)
What?
JACK
A hundred bucks a date. In advance.
JOEL
Forget it.
JACK
Forget her sister, then.
Joel thinks for a frustrated moment, then peels another
fifty out of his wallet.
JOEL
You better hope you're as smooth as you
think you are, Verona.
Jack takes the money with a smile.
INT. SHOP CLASS - DAY
Jase and Sean enter the class. Scurvy brushes by them.
SEAN
Go.
JASE
No, you go.
SEAN
I went before.
Sean makes his way to where Jack is working at the buffer.
SEAN
(to Jack)
We know what you're trying to do,
with Ronnie Mitchell.
JACK
Is that right? And what do you plan
to do about it?
SEAN
Help you out.
JACK
Why's that?
JASE
The situation is, my man Sean here
has a major jones for Roxy Mitchell.
JACK
What is it with this chick? She have
beer flavored nipples?
SEAN
Hey!
JASE
I think I speak correctly when I say
that Sean's love is pure. Purer than
say -- Joel Johnston's.
JACK
Look. I'm in on this for the cash.
Johnston can plow whoever he wants.
SEAN
Okay. There will be no plowing!
JASE
Jack, uh, Pat. Let me explain something
to you here. We set this whole thing up so
Sean can get the girl. Sean. Joel's just a pawn.
JACK
So you two are gonna help me tame the wild
beast?
JASE
(grinning)
We'll do some research. We'll find out what she
likes. We are your guys.
SEAN
And he means that in a strictly non-
prison-movie type of way.
JASE
Let's start here. Now, Friday night.
Bogie Levenstein is having a party. It's the
perfect opportunity.
JACK
Opportunity for what?
JASE
For you to take out Ronnie.
JACK
I'll think about it.
He walks away, leaving Jase and Sean grinning at each other.
JASE
(continuing)
And for a little payback. This is gonna be some party.
Close-Up on a party invitation Jase holds up. It advertises
a "wine and cheese" party. Transition. The words "wine and cheese"
are replaced by "free beer". "Don't call" and "just show up" are
printed at the bottom next to Bogie's address in Seattle.
JASE
Let's do this.
Slow motion shot of them dumping a pile of fliers down the school
stairwell. Students' hands reach out and grab them as they fall.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Joel stands at his open locker with Roxy.
JOEL
Okay now, this is important.
Which do you like better?
He holds up two identical glamour model photos. In one, he's
wearing a white shirt. In the other, he's in a black shirt.
ROXY
Um, I think I like the white shirt better.
Joel nods thoughtfully.
JOEL
Yeah. It's more...
ROXY
Pensive?
JOEL
Damn. I was going for thoughtful.
So, you going to Bogey Lowenbrau's
thing on Friday night?
ROXY
Yeah. I might.
He gives her his best flirtatious smile
JOEL
Good, 'cause, you know, I'm not gonna bother if
you won't be there.
The class bell rings.
JOEL
See you there.
ROXY
Okay.
JOEL
Bye.
She walks away. He turns to a mirror hanging in his locker
and winks at himself, then unhappily adjusts an out-of-place hair.
EXT. UNDER A BRIDGE - DAY
Roxy and Sean are on a nice walk together. No one else is around.
SEAN
So have you heard about Bogey Lowenstein's
party?
ROXY
(pouting)
Yes. And I really, really, really wanna go, but
I can't. Not unless my sister goes.
SEAN
Yeah I know. I'm workin' on that. But so far she's
not goin' for my guy.
He fishes for information.
SEAN
(continuing)
She's not a...
ROXY
KD Lang fan? No. I found a picture of
Jared Leto in her drawer once, so I'm
pretty sure she's not harboring same-sex
tendencies.
SEAN
Okay. So that's the kind of guy she likes?
Pretty guys?
ROXY
I don't know. All I've ever heard her say
is that she'd die before dating a guy
that smokes.
SEAN
Okay. All right. What else?
ROXY
You're asking me to investigate the inner workings
of my sister's twisted mind? I don't think so.
SEAN
Well nothing else has worked. I mean, we need to
go behind enemy lines here.
INT. RONNIE'S BEDROOM - DAY
Roxy rifles through Ronnie's drawers while Sean watches with
notable interest.
ROXY
Okay, here we go.
As she names off pertinent discoveries, she hands them to Sean.
ROXY
(continuing)
Class schedule, reading list, date book,
coffee tickets, um, concert tickets.
Ah ha! Black panties!
SEAN
What does that tell us?
ROXY
She wants to have sex some day, that's what.
SEAN
(flustered by this intimate detail)
She could just like the color...
ROXY
You don't buy black lingerie unless you want
someone to see it.
SEAN
(perhaps encouraged by this development)
Oh. So, uh, can I see your room?
ROXY
No. A girl's room is very personal.
SEAN
Oh.
EXT. BIKER BAR - NIGHT
Jase and Sean arrive on Jase's dumpy motorbike and
park next to a hard-looking cat on a heavy bike.
BIKER
Nice bike.
JASE
Yeah? You think so?
The biker roars off without answering.
INT. BIKER BAR - NIGHT
Jase and Sean make their way through the surly denizens
of the saloon, who watch them in wonder.
SEAN
Wow. Is this what a bar looks like?
JASE
Don't touch anything. You may get hepatitis.
They head toward Jack, who plays pool by himself. As they
pass another table, Jase picks up the eight ball, ruining the
game-winning shot a tough guy is making, and tosses it back onto
the table without realizing what he's done.
JACK
So what've you got for me?
SEAN
A little insight into a very complicated girl.
JASE
(to Jack)
Just one question before we start: should you be
drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
JACK
What?!
JASE
Nothing. Nothing.
SEAN
First thing: Ronnie hates smokers
Sean plucks the cigarette out of Jack's fingers and drops
it on the floor. Jack isn't pleased.
JACK
You're telling me I'm a -
(spits the word out)
"non-smoker"?
JASE
Yeah. But just for now.
SEAN
And there's another problem. Roxy said that
Ronnie likes -- pretty guys.
This is met with silence. Then:
JACK
Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?
JASE
He's very pretty! He's a gorgeous guy.
SEAN
I wasn't sure. I didn't know.
Sean pulls out a list of information.
SEAN
(continuing)
Alright. Okay -- Likes: Thai food, feminist
prose, and "angry, girl music of
the indie-rock persuasion". Here's a list of
CDs that she has in her room.
JACK
So I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a
book and sit around listening to chicks
who can't play their instruments, right?
JASE
Have you ever been to Club Skunk?
SEAN
Her favorite band is playing there tomorrow
night.
JACK
I can't be seen at Club Skunk, alright?
SEAN
But she'll be there. She's got tickets.
JASE
Just assail your ears for one night.
SEAN
She has a pair of black underwear, if that helps.
JASE
(with a wink-wink-nudge-nudge voice)
Couldn't hurt, right?
INT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT
Jack walks down the hallway toward the stage and is eyed
suspiciously by various girls in the hall. He enters, searches
the crowd, and finds Ronnie dancing with Dawn. He sits at the bar.
BARTENDER
Verona! What are you doing here tonight?
Ronnie stops dancing and shouts at her friends.
RONNIE
I need agua!
She heads for the bar.
RONNIE
(to the bartender)
Two waters.
She spots Jack ignoring her and looks disgusted.
RONNIE
(to Jack)
If you're planning on asking me out again, you
might as well just get it over with.
JACK
(pretending to be absorbed by the music)
Would you mind? You're kind of ruining this for me.
RONNIE
You're not surrounded by your usual cloud of smoke.
JACK
I know. I quit. Apparently they're bad for you.
RONNIE
(too surprised to be sarcastic)
You did?
JACK
You know, these guys are no Bikini Kill or Raincoats,
but they're not bad.
He stands and heads into the crowd. Stunned for a moment, Ronnie
rushes after him.
RONNIE
You know who the Raincoats are?
JACK
Why? Don't you? I was watching you out there before...
The song ends and there is a moment of silence in the club as he
continues to use his loud-club-volume voice.
JACK
(continuing)
I've never seen you look so sexy.
The crowd hears him clearly and laughs. He grins with embarrassment.
JACK
(continuing)
Come to Bogie's party with me.
RONNIE
You never give up, do you?
She begins to walk away through the crowd.
JACK
Was that a yes?
RONNIE
(shouting over her shoulder)
No.
JACK
Well, was that a no?
RONNIE
No.
JACK
(shouting after her)
I'll see you at 9:30 then.
INT. STRATFORD LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Roxy and Christian are dolled-up in party clothes and are
attempting to sneak down the stairs and out the door.
Archie is reading the paper, facing the opposite direction.
ARCHIE
You should have used the window.
She pretends everything is normal.
ROXY
Hi Daddy.
ARCHIE
Hi. Where are we going?
ROXY
Well, if you must know, a small study
group of friends.
ARCHIE
Otherwise known as an orgy?
CHRISTIAN
Mr. Stratford, it's just a party.
ARCHIE
And Hell is just a sauna.
Ronnie comes walking down the stairs, oblivious of what's going on.
Archie directs his attention toward Ronnie.
ARCHIE
You know about any party?
Ronnie shrugs and shakes her head.
ROXY
People expect me to be there!
ARCHIE
If Ronnie's not going, you're not going.
Roxy turns to Ronnie.
ROXY
Why can't you be normal?
RONNIE
Define normal.
ROXY
Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal.
ARCHIE
What's a Bogey Lowenstein?
RONNIE
Bogie's party is just a lame excuse for all the
idiots at our school to drink beer and rub up
against each other in hopes of distracting
themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their...
Christian and Roxy are familiar with this old rant and chime in
to finish her sentence for her.
ROXY/CHRISTIAN
...meaningless, consumer-driven lives.
Ronnie stops short. Surprised she's become so predictable.
ROXY
Can you, for just one night, forget that you're
completely wretched and be my sister? Please?
Please?! C'mon, Ronnie, please do this for me.
She's very sincere. Ronnie is swayed.
RONNIE
Fine. I'll make an appearance.
Roxy and Christian look at each other, thrilled, and burst
into gleeful screams, hugging Ronnie from either side.
ARCHIE
It's starting.
ROXY
It's just a party. Daddy.
Archie looks dazed.
ARCHIE
I want you to wear the belly.
ROXY
Daddy, no!
ARCHIE
Not all night. Just around the living room
for a minute so you can understand the full
weight of your decisions.
He rushes to a cupboard and pulls out a padded faux-
pregnancy jacket. Roxy limply holds out her arms in defeat.
He hangs it on her.
ROXY
I am perfectly aware...
ARCHIE
Listen to me. Every time you even think about
kissing a boy, I want you to picture wearing
this under your halter top.
ROXY
You are so completely unbalanced.
ARCHIE
Uh huh.
RONNIE
We're going now.
ARCHIE
(to Ronnie)
Alright, wait a minute. No drinking. No drugs. No kissing.
No tattoos. No piercings. No ritual animal slaughter of
any kind.
(to himself)
Oh god, I'm giving them ideas...
Ronnie opens the door, and there stands Jack.
RONNIE
What are you doing here?
JACK
Nine-thirty right?
Ronnie's in shock
JACK
(continuing)
I'm early.
RONNIE
Whatever. I'm driving.
He peeks in behind her.
JACK
Who knocked up your sister?
INT. JASE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Sean and Jase are preparing to go to the party. Jase
employs a variety of questionable beautification techniques.
SEAN
So, then Roxy says that I was right. That
she didn't wear the Kenneth Coles with that
dress because she thought it was
mixing genres. Right? And the fact
that I noticed -- and this is a direct quote -
"really meant something."
Sean looks At Jase expectantly
JASE
You told me that part already.
SEAN
I've been thinking about it all the time...
JASE
Stop being so self-involved for one minute.
How do I look?
SEAN
You look like my great uncle, Milton.
JASE
You think I should lose the tie?
SEAN
(obviously)
Yeah.
JASE
Maybe you're right.
(very flustered and nervous)
I'm just so nervous. You know? And I'm also very
excited. I'm nervous and I'm excited. It's all
very mixed up. I don't know...
SEAN
Okay, alright. Just calm down. Alright.
JASE
The last party I went to was at Chuck-E-Cheeze. You
wanna talk about some fun?
(he snorts happily)
That's a good time.
EXT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
A huge pack of party-goers, carrying kegs and ready to have some
fun, charge through the night like hungry wolves, descending on
Bogey's well-lit, upscale, suburban home.
INT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
BOGEY, the leader of the Future MBA's, plays the host to some stiff-looking
kids arranged on some flowery sofas in a very expensive-looking den.
He hands out cigars proudly.
BOGEY
Now remember guys. Don't touch anything.
He spots one of his guests fondling a crystal vase and seizes it.
BOGEY
(continuing)
Oh...what did I tell you?
He puts it back where it came from as the doorbell rings. He
lights up and heads for the door.
BOGEY
That must be Nigel with the Brie.
Before he gets to the door, the room is stampeded with partiers.
Within second the house is filled to capacity. A DJ is suddenly
spinning and booze is everywhere.
INT. UPSTAIRS BALCONY, BOGIE'S - NIGHT
Jase drifts through an archway with a beer in his hand and
bee-lines for a busty blonde.
JASE
(to girl)
You know, I'm thinking about getting a Tercel.
Yeah, that's a Toyota.
She winces and she and her friend start to walk away.
JASE
(shouting after her)
It has dual-side airbags and a spacious back seat.
Across the way, Ronnie and Jack come up the stairs to the
balcony. Jack encounters a very drunk and happy girl.
DRUNK GIRL
(to Jack)
Kiss me!
She embraces him and he turns her around and nudges her into
the arms of a lonely guy on a chair.
JACK
Kiss him.
She immediately falls upon the lucky guy's lips. He manages
to tear himself away for a moment as Jack passes.
LUCKY GUY
(to Jack)
Hey, thanks man!
In doing so, he forgets about the girl and drops her on the ground.
Meanwhile, Ronnie has made her way into the next room, where she is
met by Joel.
JOEL
Sweet! Lookin' fresh tonight, Pussy-Ronnie.
Ronnie gives him a dark look and then stops and points at his
forehead.
RONNIE
Wait -- was that?-- Did your hairline
just recede?
He's flustered for a moment. When he recovers she's already walking away.
JOEL
Hey, where ya goin?
RONNIE
Away.
JOEL
Your sister here?
RONNIE
Stay away from my sister.
JOEL
(smirking)
Oh I'll stay away from your sister. But
I can't guarantee she'll stay away from me.
A ruckus sounds from the next room and a jock jumps in next to them.
JOCK
Fight!
JOEL
Ooo! Fight!
He and the Jock run off to watch. Two guys are slugging it out in the den.
Bogie watches in horror.
BOGIE
You guys, please! Take it outside!
They wrestle and crash through the bay window onto the grass outside.
BOGIE
Thank you.
Ronnie pushes through the gathered crowd to get away and encounters Joel
with Roxy on his arm.
JOEL
Hey Ronnie. Look who found me.
Joel and Roxy walk away. She ignores Ronnie.
RONNIE
Roxy, wait!
ROXY
(annoyed)
Please don't address me in public.
RONNIE
No wait. There's something I need to tell you.
ROXY
Look. I am busy enjoying my adolescence, so
scamper off and do the same.
JOEL
(loving this)
Bye bye.
They leave a dejected Ronnie behind. A guy with a tray of shots
sidles up next to Ronnie.
SHOTS GUY
Want one?
Jack appears behind her as she snatches a shot and downs it with
a grimace of intense discomfort.
JACK
What's this?
SHOTS GUY
Right on, sister!
JACK
(to Ronnie)
I've been looking all over the place for you.
RONNIE
(mocking)
"I'm getting trashed, man." Isn't that
what you're supposed to do at a party?
JACK
I dunno. I say, do what you wanna do.
RONNIE
Funny, you're the only one. Later.
She pushes away into the crowd.
INT. BOGEY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Jase spots another pair of girls and tries his luck again.
He does a weak impression of an Irish jig.
JASE
Lord of the Dance. Hi Heather.
HEATHER
Bite me.
She walks away.
JASE
(undaunted and still quite cheery)
Should have kept the tie.
Sean comes up behind him.
SEAN
Hey. Have you seen her around anywhere?
Jase spots Roxy and Christian coming down the stairs
and points Sean in her direction.
JASE
Relax. Relax. I'm telling you,
follow the love, man.
Sean walks over to the girls.
SEAN
Hi Roxy.
ROXY
Oh, hi Sean.
ROXY
Um, you know Christian?
A bit uncomfortable, she pushes Christian between them.
SEAN
(to Christian)
Yeah. I think we have art together, right?
CHRISTIAN
(not amused)
Great.
SEAN
(to Roxy)
So, uh, you really look amazing.
Christian shows pitiable disdain at his obvious pass.
ROXY
(uncomfortable)
Thanks.
Joel comes down the stairs and has overheard Sean's
compliment. Christian looks him up and down approvingly.
JOEL
We all know I look amazing.
The girls both giggle.
JOEL
Roxy, let's go. We're all congregating
around Mr. Cuervo.
ROXY
(to Sean)
Um, I'll see you around, okay?
Joel and the girls walk away as Sean stares in disbelief.
Joel looks back just long enough to flash him a thumb's up.
Sean is crushed.
INT. A ROOM, BOGEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Roxy walks next to Joel as he blathers about modeling.
JOEL
So I've got the Sears catalog
thing going -- and the tube sock gig.
That is gonna be huge!
He pauses as someone screams and falls off the roof outside
the window.
JOEL
(continuing)
And I'm up for a hemorrhoid cream ad next week.
Roxy looks truly offended.
JOEL
(continuing)
I know it sounds kind of bogus, but...I get getta
do some acting.
He pauses again, this time to place his empty can of Budweiser
atop a large beer-can pyramid. He then strikes a pose. Roxy
isn't watching.
JOEL
You see what I did there?
ROXY
Um... uh huh.
JOEL
That was underwear. I'll show you the bathing suit
one next.
It's exactly the same.
JOEL
(continuing)
You see the difference?
She turns away looking disgusted again. He notices her lack of
interest and takes it in stride, turning immediately to someone
behind him.
JOEL
(to other person)
Okay, I'll show you.
Roxy uses the opportunity to slip away.
INT. BOGEY'S DEN - NIGHT
A cowboy sits with another kid chewing tobacco. He unloads a mouthful
of it into a nice crystal vase. Bogie takes the vase from them and
moans woefully.
Roxy passes, searching the crowd, and spots Joel through an archway
striking poses for a crowd. She turns away and faces Sean, who is
obviously not happy with the evening's turn of events.
Roxy decided to avoid the inevitable conflict and pulls Christian in
the opposite direction.
ROXY
(to Christian)
Is it just me, or does this party all of a
sudden suck?
They walk away. Sean looks sour.
INT. BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
Jack is searching for Ronnie. He passes the Drunk Girl and Lucky
Guy from earlier, and the guy grabs his shirt.
LUCKY GUY
Really. Really! Thank you!
Jack gives him a pat on the shoulder and moves on. He spots Ronnie,
who is already very drunk, standing with a fresh shot in her hand.
Jack tries to remove a shot glass from Ronnie's hand.
JACK
Hey hey hey! Why don't you let me have this one, huh?
Ronnie is fierce in her refusal and pulls the shot away.
RONNIE
No! This one's mine.
She rushes off.
Joel enters, grabbing Jack by the shoulder, distracting
him from following Ronnie.
JOEL
My man! How did you get her to do it?
JACK
Do what?
JOEL
Act like a human.
They both notice Ronnie has climbed up on a table in the next
room and is dancing. Joel is very pleased and rushes to watch.
JOEL
Yeah! Alright!
Others form a crowd, clapping and cheering her on. Roxy
sees her from the balcony and rushes off. Ronnie completes her
dance by falling off the table. Jack catches her.
JACK
Are you okay?
RONNIE
I'm fine.
She tries to sit up, but falls back again.
JACK
You're not fine. C'mon.
He helps her to walk away from the table and down the hall.
RONNIE
I just need to lie down somewhere.
JACK
Uh, uh. You lie down and you'll go to
sleep
RONNIE
Sleep is good.
JACK
Yeah. Not if you have a concussion.
EXT. BOGIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
A few partygoers stand around as Jack guides her toward a
stone bench.
JACK
C'mon. Here, sit down. Sit.
As Jack sits Ronnie down, Sean comes up next to him.
SEAN
(to Jack)
Hey, hey. We need to talk.
JACK
I'm a little busy right now.
SEAN
Can you give me a second?
Jack steps aside with him.
SEAN
(continuing)
It's off, okay? The whole thing's off.
JACK
What're you talking about?
SEAN
She never wanted me. She wanted Joel the
whole time.
Jack doesn't have time for this.
JACK
Sean -- do you like the girl?
SEAN
Yeah.
JACK
(impatient)
Yeah. And is she worth all this trouble?
SEAN
Well, I thought she was. But, you know, I...
JACK
Well she is or she isn't. See, first of all, Joel
is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let
anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve
what you want. Go for it!
Ronnie begins to fall off the bench and Jack catches her again.
He stands her up and they walk away.
JACK
(to Ronnie)
C'mon.
Jack continues walking an oblivious Ronnie away from the party.
Sean stands there, unsure how to make use of this advice.
EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE BOGIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Jack marches Ronnie down the street, holding her up. They head
up a hill.
RONNIE
(annoyed at being held up)
You're so patronizing.
JACK
Leave it to you to use big words when
you're smashed.
She pushes his arm off and tries to walk on her own.
RONNIE
I don't think so.
She falls down and stands back up again.
JACK
Okay...
RONNIE
Why are you doing this?
JACK
I told you. You may have a concussion.
RONNIE
You don't care if I never wake up.
JACK
(he grins)
Sure, I do.
RONNIE
Why?
They reach a set of two swings hedged by ivy and stop.
JACK
Well then, because then I'd have to start taking
out girls who actually like me.
RONNIE
Like you could find one.
JACK
See that, there? Who needs affection when
I have blind hatred?
RONNIE
Let me sit down for a while.
She walks over to the swings and plops down,
moving her hands to hang onto the ropes.
She sits and looks at him for a moment with a smile. Then
falls over backward, just in time to be caught--again.
JACK
Jesus.
Jack sits on the other swing.
JACK
(continuing)
So why'd you let him get to you?
RONNIE
Who?
JACK
Joel.
RONNIE
I hate him.
JACK
Well, you've chosen the perfect revenge:
mainlining tequila.
They both laugh.
RONNIE
Well, you know what they say...
He stops the swing
JACK
No. What do they say?
Ronnie is asleep, her head resting against the swing's rope. He's
concerned about her falling asleep with a possible concussion.
JACK
(continuing)
No no no no! Ronnie! C'mon, wake up! Look at me!
Listen to me, Ronnie. Open your eyes!
He slaps her and she slowly opens her eyes.
RONNIE
(waking)
Hey. You're eyes have a little green in them.
He sighs with relief and smiles. They make meaningful eye
contact, and she then vomits at his feet.
EXT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S DRIVEWAY - NIGHT
Kids loiter outside. Roxy and Christian are waiting.
ROXY
I don't know if we should go...
Joel comes up to them.
JOEL
Hey. A bunch of us are going to Jaret's
house. Ready?
ROXY
Uh, I have to be home in twenty minutes.
CHRISTIAN
(eagerly, to Joel)
You know, I don't have to be home 'til two. So...
JOEL
(to Roxy)
One more chance...
ROXY
(not interested)
Oh, man. I can't. Damn.
CHRISTIAN
That's a shame.
(to Joel)
Well?
JOEL
(to Christian)
You wanna go?
CHRISTIAN
Sure.
ROXY
Christian!
CHRISTIAN
Hey, you passed.
Christian leaves with Joel.
ROXY
(to herself)
Bitch.
Sean exits the party and stops when he sees Roxy
standing alone.
SEAN
(slightly accusatory)
Hey. Have fun tonight?
ROXY
(unenthused)
Tons.
He starts to walk on.
ROXY
(continuing)
Sean?
He stops. She gives him a helpless smile.
ROXY
(continuing)
Do you think you could give me a ride home?
He stops, facing away from her. He looks very put-out.
INT. RONNIE'S CAR - NIGHT
Jack drives as Ronnie sits in the passenger seat. She listens
to the stereo.
RONNIE
I should do this.
JACK
Do what?
RONNIE
This.
She points to the radio.
JACK
Start a band?
RONNIE
(sarcastically)
No, install car stereos. Yeah, start a band.
My father would love that.
Jack pulls up to her house and stops the car.
JACK
You don't strike me as the type that
would ask your father's permission.
She turns to look at him.
RONNIE
Oh, so now you think you know me?
JACK
I'm gettin' there
Her voice loses it's venom
RONNIE
The only thing people know about me is
that I'm "scary".
JACK
Yeah, well, I'm no picnic myself.
They eye each other, sharing a moment of connection.
JACK
(avoiding the tension)
So what ' s up with your dad? Is he a
pain in the ass?
RONNIE
No. He just wants me to be someone I'm not.
JACK
Who?
RONNIE
Roxy.
JACK
Ah... Roxy. No offense or anything, I mean,
I know everyone digs you're sister. But, um...
She's without.
Ronnie stares at him with new admiration.
RONNIE
You know, you're not as vile as I
thought you were.
She leans drunkenly toward him.
Their faces grow closer as if they're about to kiss And then
Jack pulls away.
JACK
Maybe we should do this another time.
Ronnie stares at him, pissed. Then gets out of the car
and stomps off.
SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT
Roxy and Sean ride in silence.
He pulls up in front of her house and finally breaks it.
SEAN
You never wanted to go sailing with me,
did you?
ROXY
(lying to be nice)
Yes I did.
SEAN
No. You didn't.
ROXY
Well, okay. No. Not actually.
SEAN
(upset and disappointed)
Well, then that's all you had to say.
You always been this selfish?
ROXY thinks for a few seconds.
ROXY
(meekly)
Yes.
SEAN
You know, just because you're beautiful, doesn't
mean you can treat people like they don't matter.
I mean, I really like you. Okay? I defended you
when people called you conceited. I helped you
when you asked me to. I learned French for you!
And then you just blow me off...
She looks at him for a moment, then grabs his face and
gives him a kiss on the lips. He is stunned. She smiles, then
gets out of the car without another word.
Sean looks as though he's just been told he's inherited a
billion dollars as she turns, smiles, and walks away.
SEAN
(regaining his composure)
And I'm back in the game!
INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
Ronnie enters the class. DEREK, a White Rasta, pokes fun at her for
dancing at the party the night before.
DEREK
Ronnie, me lady, you sway to the rhythm of
me heart.
CLEM, a cowboy, chimes in as she makes her way to her seat.
CLEM
Dance for me, cowgirl.
JOEL
Ronnie, babe, what do we owe you for the table dance?
MR. MORGAN
(to the class)
Allright, not that I care, but how was everybody's
weekend?
JOEL
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe we should ask Ronnie.
MR. MORGAN
Unless she kicked the crap out of your dumb butt,
I don't wanna hear about it. Okay, let's open up
our books to page 73, sonnet 141. And listen up:
He quotes from Shakespeare's sonnet with a modern rapper lilt.
MR. MORGAN
(reciting)
"In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes.
For they and thee a thousand errors note.
But 'tis my heart loves what they despise,
who in despite of view is pleas'd to dote."
(continuing as normal)
Now, I know Shakespeare's a dead white guy.
But he knows his shit, so we can overlook that.
I want you all to write your own
version of this Sonnet.
The class groans in disapproval.
Ronnie raises her hand. Mr. Morgan is unpleased. He's obviously
accustomed to her opposition.
MR. MORGAN
Yes, Miss I-have-an-opinion-about-everything?
RONNIE
Do you want this in iambic pentameter?
MR. MORGAN
You're not going to fight me on this?
RONNIE
No. I think it's a really good assignment.
MR. MORGAN
(laughs)
You're just messin' with me, aren't you?
RONNIE
No. I'm really looking forward to writing it.
MR. MORGAN
(thinks she's mocking him)
Get out of my class.
RONNIE
What?
MR. MORGAN
Out. Get out!
She looks confused, slowly rises and leaves.
JOEL
Thanks Mr. Morgan.
MR. MORGAN
Shut up.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Dawn is at her locker. Drawings of William Shakespeare
adorn the door. Jase walks up.
JASE
Hey. That's a cool picture. What's the collar for?
Is it to keep him from licking his stitches?
He laughs at his own joke, then notices her lack of amusement.
JASE
(continuing)
Kidding. No, because I know you're a fan of Shakespeare.
DAWN
More than a fan. We're involved.
JASE
Okay.
She continues to ignore him.
JASE
(quoting from Shakespeare)
"Who could refrain that had a heart to
love and in that heart..."
DAWN
(finishing the quote for him)
...courage to make love known?
Jase thinks for a minute.
JASE
Macbeth, right?
DAWN
(happily stunned)
Right.
JASE
So, listen... I have this friend...
EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY
Sean sits next to Jack on the bleachers as they watch
the girls practice.
SEAN
What'd you do to her?
JACK
I didn't do anything.
Would've been too drunk to remember.
SEAN
But the plan was working.
JACK
What do you care? I thought you wanted out.
SEAN
Yeah, well I did, but, uh, that was until she
kissed me.
JACK
(grins)
Where?
SEAN
In the car.
Jase is jogging up to them from across the jogging track. As he
crosses it, he is nearly run over by two joggers.
JASE
Sorry.
JOGGERS
Dweeb! Putz!
JASE
I'm Sorry!
He sits with Sean and Jack.
JASE
Alright. I talked to her. I got the scoop.
SEAN
What did she say?
JASE
Hates him with the fire of a
thousand suns. That's a direct quote.
JACK
Thanks, Malcolm. That's very comforting of you.
SEAN
We don't know. She could just need a day to cool
off.
A soccer ball flies past them from the field, narrowly missing their
heads. Ronnie stands menacingly glaring at them.
JACK
(continuing)
Maybe two.
INT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Ronnie and Dawn walk. Ronnie sees a prom flyer and tears it down as the
flier posting girl watches.
PROM POSTER GIRL
Hey!
Ronnie doesn't hear her and just keeps walking.
RONNIE
Can you imagine who would go to that antiquated
mating ritual?
DAWN
(raises her hand)
I would. But I don't have a date.
RONNIE
Do you really want to get all dressed up so
some Drakkar Noir-wearing Dexter with a boner
can feel you up while you're forced to listen
to a band that by definition sucks?
DAWN
Alright, alright. We won't go. It's not like
I've got a dress anyway.
RONNIE
You ' re looking at this from entirely the wrong
perspective. We're making a statement.
DAWN
(unconvinced and sarcastic)
Oh, goody. Something new and different
for us.
EXT. ARCHERY FIELD - DAY
Mr. Chapin instructs as boys and girls shoot arrows at targets.
Joel swaggers up to Roxy, who is taking careful aim.
JOEL
Hey there, Cupid.
ROXY
(not looking at him)
Hi, Joel.
JOEL
You're concentrating awfully hard
considering it's gym class.
She turns to look at him and releases the arrow at an angle. A cry
is heard off-camera. Roxy clearly isn't interested in talking to Joel.
ROXY
Can I help you?
JOEL
I want to talk to you about prom.
ROXY
Look, you know the deal. I can't go if Ronnie
doesn't go.
In the background, Mr. Chapin crumples to the ground with an arrow
sticking out of his rear end. Christian scurries over to help him.
JOEL
Your sister is going.
Roxy looks at him, surprised
ROXY
Since when?
JOEL
Oh, let's just say I'm taking care of it.
Joel takes an arrow and hands it to her as he walks away.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Joel hands 2 $100 bills to Jack.
JOEL
Here. This should take care of the flowers, the limo,
the tux, everything. Just make sure she gets to the prom.
Jack's conscience seems to be bothering him.
JACK
You know what? I'm sick of playing your little game.
He hands back the cash. Joel reaches into his pocket again and looks around.
JOEL
You sick of, let's say, 300?
Jack looks a bit tortured, but eventually takes the money.
INT. GUITAR STORE - DAY
Ronnie is playing a guitar with headphones on. Jack comes up behind her,
then decides to leave her alone.
INT. BOOK STORE - DAY
Jack scans the store for Ronnie, sees her, and follows her from the next
row of books. When the reach the end of the aisle, he confronts her.
JACK
Excuse me, have you seen The Feminine
Mystique? I've lost my copy.
RONNIE
(not pleased)
What are you doing here?
JACK
I heard there was a poetry reading.
RONNIE
You're so...
JACK
Charming?
She turns and begins to walk away.
JACK
(continuing)
Wholesome.
RONNIE
(turning back)
Unwelcome.
JACK
You're not as mean as you think you are, you know that?
RONNIE
And you're not as badass as you think you are.
JACK
Ooo, someone still has their panties in a twist.
RONNIE
Don't for one minute think that you had
any effect whatsoever on my panties.
JACK
Then what did I have an effect on ?
RONNIE
Other than my upchuck reflex? Nothing.
She heads for the door, handing him a copy of The Feminine Mystique as
she leaves.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Sean and Jase flank Jack as he piles food onto his tray.
JACK
You're right. She's still pissed.
JASE
Sweet love, renew thy force!
JACK
Hey, man! Don't say shit like that to me.
People can hear you.
SEAN
Look. You embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice
yourself on the altar of dignity and
even the score.
Jack scowls and walks away.
JASE
Listen. Don't say shit like that to him. People
can hear you.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Jack hands a wad of cash to a pudgy kid and smiles.
INT. FIELD ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH - DAY
A pair of hands are scanning the controls for the school stadium's audio
setup. One hand holds a cordless microphone, the other turns up the volume
on a switch labeled "Field Mic Announce".
EXT. THE BLEACHERS - DAY
Looking down on the field where the girls are practicing soccer, Jack
stands atop the bleachers with the microphone in his hand and begins to
sing an old love song to Ronnie.
He completes the first verse, as everyone watches, then gives a
signal to the pudgy kid he met in the hall earlier. The kid is the leader
of the school marching band, which then chimes in and begins playing the
music for the song. Ronnie is thrilled.
Jack continues singing and dancing around on the bleachers, until two
cops arrive. They grab him as the soccer team applauds his performance.
He breaks free and continues hamming about, spanks an officer's bum as he
passes, then runs away. Ronnie is obviously flattered.
INT. DETENTION HALL - DAY
Jack and several other miscreants sit quietly, mulling
over their misfortune as Mr. Chapin presides. Mr. Chapin tries to sit
on the edge of the desk, grimaces in pain from his arrow wound, and
someone in the classroom giggles.
MR. CHAPIN
(to a stoner kid)
You look pretty nervous.
STONER KID
Yes sir.
MR. CHAPIN
You're sweating like a pig.
STONER KID
Yes sir.
MR. CHAPIN
Your eyes are all...bloodshot.
STONER KID
Yes sir.
MR. CHAPIN
You've got pot, don't you?
Stoner Kid hands him a bag of weed.
MR. CHAPIN
I'm confiscating this.
He turns around and sees a bag of Cheetos on another kid's desk, which
he also takes, revealing possible future plans for his contraband...
MR. CHAPIN
This too.
Ronnie suddenly enters the room and approaches Mr. Chapin. Jack looks
up and sees her.
RONNIE
Um, sir? I have some ideas on how we can improve
the girl's soccer team.
MR. CHAPIN
Great! Let's talk about it later.
He turns away and she uses the opportunity to motion to Jack.
RONNIE
(whispering to Jack)
The window.
(he doesn't get it)
Window!
Mr. Chapin turns back around and she laughs.
RONNIE
(continuing to Mr. Chapin)
As you know, we have a really big game with Hillcrest High...
Jack runs for the side of the room as she distracts Mr. Chapin.
Mr. Chapin begins to turn, but she grabs his arm to stop him.
RONNIE
(gasps)
You're bicep is huge! Oh my god. The other
one's even bigger. You don't take steroids, do you?
Because I've heard steroids can severely disintegrate
your...package.
The classroom murmers, including an inexplicable older, balding guy in the
back row, who seems to be a badly cast extra.
RONNIE
(continuing)
That's not the point.
MR. CHAPIN
Let's hope not.
He hears Jack make a creaking noise and tries to turn. She stops him.
RONNIE
The point is, they kick our butts every year. I was
thinking. I devised a plan that will enable us to
finally defeat them.
MR. CHAPIN
Which is?
Jack is sneaking toward the window behind him, next to
a big sign that reads: "All's Quiet on the Western Front".
RONNIE
(continuing)
That thing you taught us.
MR. CHAPIN
What thing?
RONNIE
Misdirection.
MR. CHAPIN
I taught you that?
RONNIE
Yeah. You, or Siegfried, or Roy. Anyway,
that's not important. The...
He tries to turn again and she grabs his chin to stop him.
RONNIE
Think about it! Um, they're looking left, and
we're running right. Bang! We score. We win.
Ronnie starts to panic, as Jack has yet to make it out the window.
MR. CHAPIN
Okay. But how do we get 'em to look left?
RONNIE
(in desperation)
Um, like this.
She lifts her shirt just long enough for Jack to escape.
The miscreants cheer, for both the daring escape and the
flash of skin.
RONNIE
Okay. Well, now that you've seen...The Plan,
I'm gonna go and show The Plan to someone else. Okay.
She walks away as the classroom applauds.
EXT. IN THE BAY - DAY
Jack and Ronnie peddle a small, rented leisure boat. They are
laughing together.
JACK
I can't thank you enough for helping me sneak out of
detention. Very cool.
RONNIE
No problem.
JACK
I thought for sure I was busted when I was climbing
out that window, I tell ya. So how did you keep
him distracted?
RONNIE
I dazzled him with my... wits.
JACK
(after a pause)
So what's your excuse?
RONNIE
For?
JACK
Acting the way we do.
RONNIE
I don't like to do what people expect.
Why should I live up to other people's
expectations instead of my own?
JACK
So you disappoint them from the
start and then you're covered, right?
RONNIE
Something like that
JACK
Then you screwed up
RONNIE
How?
JACK
You never disappointed me.
JACK
(after a romantic pause)
Are you up for it?
RONNIE
Up for what?
He motions to the SIGN for a paint-ball game.
EXT. PAINTBALL PARK - DAY
They chase each other around and get covered in paint,
having a good time of it. Eventually, they end up
falling down and literally rolling in the hay, caught
in an embrace and a short bit of lip action before the
game continues.
EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY
Jack pulls up outside Ronnie's house and they get out. Paint still
streaks their hair.
JACK
No. None of that stuff is true.
RONNIE
State trooper?
JACK
Fallacy. Uh, dead guy in the parking lot?
RONNIE
Rumor. The duck?
JACK
Hearsay. Bobby Ridgeway's balls?
RONNIE
Fact. But he deserved it. He tried to grope me
in the lunch line.
JACK
Fair enough.
RONNIE
The accident?
JACK
It's real. I lived in Australia until I was 10.
RONNIE
With the Pygmies?
JACK
Close. With my mom.
RONNIE
Where were you last year?
I know the porn career's a lie.
JACK
Do you?
They pause for a moment, then laugh.
RONNIE
Tell me something true.
JACK
Something true? I hate peas.
RONNIE
No. Something real. Something no one
else knows.
JACK
(in-between kissing her neck)
Okay. You're sweet. And sexy. And
completely hot for me.
RONNIE
You're amazingly self-assured. Has
anyone ever told you that?
JACK
I tell myself that every day, actually.
He kisses her.
JACK
Go to the prom with me
RONNIE
Is that a request or a command?
JACK
C'mon, go with me.
RONNIE
No.
JACK
No? Why not?
RONNIE
No, I won't go with you
JACK
Why not?
RONNIE
Because I don't want to. It's a stupid
tradition.
JACK
C'mon. People won't expect you to go.
Ronnie turns to him, getting angry.
RONNIE
Why are you pushing this?
What's in it for you?
He plays the role of the guilty, accused husband, answering with
an accusatory question.
JACK
Oh, so I need to have a motive to want to be
with you?
RONNIE
You tell me.
JACK
You need therapy, you know that? Has anyone ever told
you that?
RONNIE
(suspicious and a little hurt)
Answer the question, Jack
JACK
(angry)
Nothing! There is nothing in it for me.
Just the pleasure of your company, okay?
He takes out a cigarette. She throws it away before she
storms off and SLAMS the door to the house.
INT. STUDY HALL - DAY
Sean and Roxy sit together at a table. She stares at him.
SEAN
(speaking in French)
May I offer you a parsnip?
ROXY
(in French)
No, you may not.
SEAN
(in French)
Where is my uncle's pencil?
ROXY
(in French, impatient)
I don't know. Perhaps it's up your ass?
SEAN
(flustered, in English)
Wait. Wait a minute. That, that's not on this page.
ROXY
(in French, angry)
Let me ask you a question, Sean. When
are you going to ask me out?
She gets up and storms off. Sean, perplexed at this development,
obviously didn't understand what she said. He flips through his
French book for an explanation and evidently finds one.
SEAN
(in French)
Shit.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Dawn opens her locker. Hanging inside is a beautiful period-style
green dress with a note. Dawn holds the dress up to read the note.
The note reads: "0 Fair One. Join me at the prom. I will be
waiting. Love, William S."
Dawn seems pleased.
EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE/PATIO - DAY
Archie does crunches on an abdominal machine. He is struggling
magnificently.
ARCHIE
(grunting)
Seven!
(He stops and catches his breath)
Good.
He stands up as Roxy enters.
ROXY
Daddy?
ARCHIE
Hi, honey.
ROXY
Um, I want to discuss tomorrow night. As you know,
it's the prom...
He has been using a stretchy arm workout device, and it suddenly
flies away off the balcony.
ARCHIE
The prom? Ronnie has a date?
ROXY
Well, no.
ARCHIE
Don't think you're fooling me for a second.
I know who you want to bend the rules for.
It's that hot rod Joel.
ROXY
What's a "hot rod"?
ARCHIE
It's a... If your sister's not going, you're not going.
End of story.
ROXY
Okay, let's review. Ronnie: not interested.
Me: dying to go.
ARCHIE
You know what happens at proms?
ROXY
Yes, daddy. We'll dance, we'll kiss, we'll
come home. It's not quite the crisis situation
you imagine.
ARCHIE
Kissing, huh? That's what you think
happens? Got news for you. Kissing isn't what keeps
me up to my elbows in placenta all day long.
ROXY
Can we for 2 seconds ignore the fact that you're
severely unhinged and discuss my need for a night
of teenage normalcy?
ARCHIE
What's normal? Those damn Dawson's River kids
sleeping in each other's beds and whatnot?
ROXY
Daddy, that is so not...
ARCHIE
Got news for ya. I'm down. I've got the 411.
And you are not going out and getting jiggy
with some boy. I don't care how dope his ride is.
She groans and leaves.
ARCHIE
(to himself)
My mama didn't raise no fool.
The stretchy arm device now comes flying back onto the patio and lands
in the hot tub.
ARCHIE
(shouting)
Thanks, Bill.
INT. ROXY'S ROOM - DAY
Roxy lies on her bed watching The Real World Seattle. A knock sounds.
ROXY
(annoyed)
Come in.
Ronnie enters.
RONNIE
(kindly)
Listen I know...
Roxy isn't listening. Ronnie turns off the TV.
RONNIE
(continuing)
Listen, I know you hate having to sit at
home because I'm not Susie High School.
ROXY
Like you care.
RONNIE
I do care. But I'm a firm believer in
doing something for your own reasons, and
not someone else's.
ROXY
Well, I wish I had that luxury. You know, I'm the only
sophomore that got asked to the prom and
I can't go, because you don't feel like it.
RONNIE
Joel never told you that we went out, did
he?
ROXY
(doesn't believe her)
Yeah, okay.
RONNIE
In 9th. For a month
ROXY
(can tell she's serious and is confused)
Why?
RONNIE
(self-mocking)
Because he was, like, such a babe.
ROXY
But you hate Joel
RONNIE
Now I do.
ROXY
So what happened?
Ronnie indicates with a nod and a raised eyebrow that they
went all the way.
ROXY
Oh! Please tell me you're joking.
RONNIE
Just once, right after mom left. Everyone was doing
it, so... I did it. Afterwards, I told him I
didn't want to anymore because I wasn't ready
and he got pissed and dumped me.
Roxy stares at her, dumbfounded
RONNIE
(continuing)
After that I swore I'd never do
anything just because "everyone else"
was doing it. And I haven't since.
With the exception of Bogey's party and my
stunning digestive pyrotechnics.
ROXY
(stunned)
How is it possible that I did not know about this?
RONNIE
I warned him that if he told anyone, the cheerleading
squad would find out how small his dick is.
ROXY
Okay. So why didn't you tell me?
RONNIE
I wanted to let you make up your own
mind about him.
ROXY
(angry)
Then why did you help Daddy hold me hostage?
Roxy stands up slowly
ROXY
(continuing)
It's not like I'm stupid enough to repeat your
mistakes.
RONNIE
I guess I thought I was protecting you.
ROXY
By not letting me experience anything for myself?
RONNIE
Not all experiences are good, Roxy.
You can't always trust the people you
want to.
ROXY
Well, I guess I'll never know, will I?
She rises and holds the door open for Ronnie, then slams it
behind her.
INT. RONNIE'S ROOM - DAY
Ronnie lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. She rolls over and
looks out the window. Roxy is looking pitiful in a tire swing.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Archie sits on the couch, transfixed by an ad for an aerosol product
that covers baldness.
ARCHIE
Interesting...
Ronnie descends the stairs in an elegant blue prom dress and heads for the door.
RONNIE
Bye, dad. I'm going to the prom.
ARCHIE
(without looking up, thinks she's joking)
Funny, sweetie.
Ronnie shuts the door behind her.
Roxy walks into the living room. She's wearing a prom
dress. Archie sees and immediately crosses to where she stands.
ARCHIE
What's that?
ROXY
A prom dress.
ARCHIE
I seem to be hearing that word a lot lately.
The doorbell rings and Roxy opens it. There stands
Sean in a tuxedo. He takes in Roxy's outfit.
ROXY
Hi.
SEAN
Wow. I, um... wow.
ROXY
Bye, daddy.
ARCHIE
Stop. Turn. Explain.
ROXY
Okay. Remember how you said I could date if Ronnie
dated? Well, she found this guy who's actually
kind of perfect for her. Which is actually kind
of perfect for me, because Sean asked me to go
to the prom, and I really really really wanna go.
And since Ronnie went, I guess I'm allowed to, based
on the aforementioned rule, and it's previous
stipulations, of course.
SEAN
(extends his hand to Archie)
Nice to meet you.
ROXY
(intercepting his hand)
Let's go.
They dash away down the walk.
ARCHIE
(shouting after them)
I know every cop in town, bucko!
(to himself)
This is not good.
INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
A band that does not exactly suck by definition plays to a very
responsive crowd.
INT. PROM/BALCONY - NIGHT
Ronnie ascends the grand staircase and stops. Jack notices and
comes up behind her.
JACK
Wow.
RONNIE
You too.
He hands her a rose.
RONNIE
Where'd you get a tux at the last minute?
JACK
Oh, just something I had. You know, lying around.
RONNIE
Oh...
JACK
Where'd you get the dress?
RONNIE
Oh, just something I had. You know, lying around.
He smiles.
RONNIE
Listen. I'm really sorry that I
questioned your motives. I was wrong.
Jack sighs.
JACK
You're forgiven.
RONNIE
Okay. Ready for the prom?
JACK
Yes, ma'am.
INT. STRATFORD DOORWAY - NIGHT
Joel arrives in a tux and knocks on the door. Archie opens it.
JOEL
Hi, Mr. Stratford. I'm Joel.
I'm here to pick up Roxy.
Archie gives him an icy glare in silence and then slams the door
in his face without saying a word.
INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
Jack and Ronnie enter.
Ronnie steps forward, looking around and spots Sean and
Roxy dancing cheek to cheek.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Dawn enters nervously, in the long Elizabethan gown,
hair piled on top of her head. She spots Ronnie and hurries
over, distressed.
DAWN
Have you seen him?
RONNIE
Who?
DAWN
William - he asked me to meet him here.
RONNIE
Oh, Dawn. Tell me you haven't
progressed to full-on hallucinations.
Jack looks toward the stage and nods. Dawn turns to look.
Jase - in Shakespearean-like attire bows in their direction.
Dawn beams.
Jase makes his way through the crowd over to her.
JASE
Milady.
DAWN
Good sir.
Jase kisses her hand in courtly manner.
INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - SHORTLY AFTER
Ronnie and Jack clap as the band finishes a song. A new
song begins and Ronnie recognizes it. It's by her favorite band.
RONNIE
Oh me god! It's...
JACK
I called in a favor.
Ronnie stares in honest appreciation as the lead singer of her favorite
band appears on stage and makes her way to the crowd to sing directly
to Ronnie. She turns back toward the stage and Jack kisses Ronnie. The
music plays.
INT. PROM/LADIES ROOM - NIGHT
Roxy is at the mirror. Christian emerges from a stall.
ROXY
(surprised)
What are you doing here?
Christian is aloof.
CHRISTIAN
Oh, I know you didn't think you were the only sophomore
at the prom? Joel just picked me up.
ROXY
Well congratulations. He's all yours.
Christian maintains her snooty tone.
CHRISTIAN
Very generous, princess.
And just so you know, Joel only liked you for
one reason. He even had a bet going with his
friends. He was gonna nail you tonight.
Roxy, very disturbed, runs away.
INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - IMMEDIATELY AFTER
Jack and Ronnie continue to slow dance in good spirits.
JACK
Milwaukee.
RONNIE
What?
JACK
That's where I was last year. I wasn't in
jail, I don't know Marilyn Manson, and I
didn't sleep with a Spice Girl--I don't think.
You see, my grandpa, he was ill, so
I spent most of the year on his
couch watching Wheel of Fortune and making
Spaghettios. End of story.
RONNIE
(laughs)
No way!
He's interrupted by Joel pulling him aside.
JOEL
(angry)
Hey! What's Roxy doing here with that
cheese dick? I didn't pay you to take out Ronnie
so that some little punk could snake me with Roxy.
Ronnie has heard everything. Jack looks at her pleadingly.
RONNIE
Nothing in it for you, huh?
She leaves. Jack follows.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Jase spots the altercation and dances Dawn over to
Sean and Roxy.
JASE
(to Sean)
The shit has hiteth the fan...eth.
Jase and Sean leave Dawn and Roxy and head for Joel.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Jase and Sean approach Joel quickly.
JASE
Joel, pal, compadre. Listen...
Joel pushes him roughly to the ground. Sean passes Joel to help
Jase.
JOEL
You messed with the wrong guy, and
now you're gonna pay. You, and
that little bitch.
Sean doesn't like the sound of that. He turns and faces Joel.
SEAN
Alright, that's enough! Okay?
You crossed the line.
Joel punches Sean in the face, knocking him to the ground.
JOEL
Oh come on! Get up, you little punk!
He turns around, just in time to catch one in the nose from a
very pissed off Roxy.
JOEL
Shit, Roxy! I'm shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow!
ROXY
That's for making my date bleed...
She belts him again.
ROXY
(continuing)
That's for my sister...
And again.
ROXY
(continuing)
And that's for me.
She pushes him onto the ground with Jase and Sean. She
and Dawn help their dates off the floor.
ROXY
(to Sean)
Are you okay?
SEAN
(smiling big)
Never been better.
She kisses him and they begin to dance. Everyone slow dances as
Joel groans on the floor and holds his crotch.
INT. HOTEL STAIRWAY- NIGHT
RONNIE heads for the stairs and Jack catches up to her as they reach
the top.
JACK
Would you give me a chance...
RONNIE
You were paid to take me out! By
the one person I truly hate. I knew this
was a set-up!
JACK
Ronnie, it wasn't like that, okay?
RONNIE
Really? What was it like? A down
payment now and then a bonus for sleeping
with me?
JACK
No, I didn't care about the money, okay?
I cared... I cared about you.
She turns to face him with a countenance of both sadness and anger.
RONNIE
You are so not who I thought you were.
In desperation, he grabs her and kisses her. After a second,
she jerks away and flees down the stairs and out of sight.
Roxy comes running from behind Jack, sees what has happened,
and stops. She seems guilty now for dragging Ronnie to the prom and
into this mess.
EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY
Ronnie is sitting on the balcony railing with a sketchbook in hand.
Roxy breezes in, bearing a cup of tea, and offers it to Ronnie.
ROXY
You want?
Ronnie takes the tea.
RONNIE
Thanks.
ROXY
So, you sure you don't want to go sailing
with us? It'll be fun.
RONNIE
No, I'm fine.
ROXY
Look. I don't know if I ever thanked you for going
last night, but it really meant a lot to me.
RONNIE
I'm glad.
Sean comes jogging up the steps to the balcony, looking very
chipper indeed. He notices the seriousness of the situation.
SEAN
(to Roxy, quietly)
Hey.
ROXY
(quietly)
Hey.
SEAN
You ready?
ROXY
Mm hmm.
SEAN
(to Ronnie)
See you later.
RONNIE
(waves)
Bye.
Roxy and Sean walk away from Ronnie.
SEAN
(to Roxy, quietly)
Is she okay?
ROXY
I hope so.
They leave and moments later Archie enters the balcony from the house.
ARCHIE
Where's your sister going?
RONNIE
(sarcastic, as usual)
She's meeting some bikers. Big
ones. Full of sperm.
ARCHIE
(not amused)
Funny. So tell me about this dance.
Was it.. hoppin'?
She smirks at his attempted use of hip, young lingo.
RONNIE
Parts of it.
ARCHIE
Which parts?
RONNIE
The part where Roxy beat the hell out
of some guy.
ARCHIE
Roxy did what?
RONNIE
What's the matter? Upset that I rubbed
off on her?
ARCHIE
No. Impressed.
Ronnie looks up, surprised at her father's approval.
ARCHIE
(continuing)
You know, fathers don't like to admit it
when their daughters are capable of
running their own lives. It means we've
become spectators. Roxy still lets me
play a few innings. You've had me on
the bench for years. And when you go to
Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to
watch the game.
RONNIE
(hopeful)
When I go?
ARCHIE
Oh, boy. Don't tell me you've
changed your mind. I already sent 'em a
check.
Ronnie, overjoyed, reaches over and gives him a hug.
ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
Mr. Morgan stands at a podium and faces the class with an open book
in front of him.
MR. MORGAN
All right. I assume everyone has found
time to complete their poem. Except for
Mr. Johnston...
He begins to laugh, very pleased. Joel sulks at his desk behind
a pair of sunglasses.
MR. MORGAN
...who has an excuse.
(to Joel)
Shaft, lose the glasses.
Joel reluctantly removes his shades to reveal severe damage. The
class snickers.
MR. MORGAN
(continuing)
Alright. Anyone brave enough to read theirs aloud?
No one moves. Then Ronnie slowly raises her hand.
RONNIE
I will.
Jack looks up.
MR. MORGAN
(anticipating the worst)
Lord. Here we go.
Ronnie stands and walks to face the class. She clears her throat
before reading from her notebook.
RONNIE
I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
She pauses, then continues.
RONNIE
(continuing)
I hate it...
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.
She begins to cry as she continues to read.
RONNIE
(continuing)
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call,
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.
She looks directly at Jack. He looks back this time, morose,
thoughtful.
Then she walks out of the room The rest of the class remains
in stunned silence.
EXT. PARKING LOT - AFTER SCHOOL
Students are leaving school. Ronnie walks to her car alone. When she
opens the door, she's greeted with the same Fender Stratocaster guitar
that Jack saw her playing in the store before, reclining in the
front seat.
She picks it up slowly, inspecting every detail, as Jack leans in
behind her.
JACK
Nice, huh?
RONNIE
A Fender Strat? Is this for me?
JACK
Yeah. I thought you could use it.
You know, when you start your band.
Besides, I had some extra cash, you know.
Some asshole paid me to take out a really
great girl.
RONNIE
(smiling)
Is that right?
JACK
Yeah, but I screwed up. I, um...
I fell for her.
He blushes and looks down.
RONNIE
Really?
JACK
It's not every day you find
a girl who'll flash someone to get you
out of detention.
Ronnie is surprised and embarrassed that he found out about the flashing.
RONNIE
Oh, god...
She laughs. He takes this as a sign to kiss her and he does.
She lets him this time, then breaks it off suddenly.
RONNIE
You can't just buy me a guitar every
time you screw up, you know.
He winces.
JACK
Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there's always
drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine.
He gives her another kiss, which she breaks off again.
RONNIE
And don't just think you can...
He kisses her to shut her up, not letting her end it this time.
As the music plays, we pan out of the parking lot, across to the
school building, and up to where the band is playing on the roof.
The music plays, the credits roll.
THE END
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